see what I mean??

this is the devotion I found in my in-box this morning!

And He who is seated on the throne said, ‘See! I make all things new...’ ”
(Revelation 21:5, AMP)

TODAY’S WORD from Joel and Victoria

When God puts a dream in your heart, when He puts a promise on the inside of you, He deposits within you everything you need to accomplish that dream. He wouldn’t give you the desire to do something without giving you the ability to fulfill it. In fact, the scripture tells us that God gives us the desires of our heart. In other words, He puts the desire inside of us and then works with us to bring it to pass.
Oftentimes, people set out to accomplish their dreams, but they face a setback or disappointment, and then they feel like their time has passed. But let me tell you today, no matter where you’ve come from, no matter what’s happened in your past, God wants to make you new. He wants to give you a fresh start. If you feel like you’ve missed opportunities in your life, if you feel like your time has passed, remember, today is a new day. You are a new person, and God has new opportunities in store for you. Lift up your eyes of faith and look forward to the new thing God has for you in this New Year!
— Joel & Victoria Osteen

peace comes in pieces

pieces : part of a whole: fragmented
peace : absence of war or hostilities; harmonious

I think, for me, the year 2010 can be summed up with both of these words.
My world has been rocked to the core and much of the time I have felt as though my heart, my mind, my soul, my very existence has been in pieces resembling broken glass. Still shiny and reflected in places yet disconnected and scattered from the rest of me.
2010 has been a year of trials and triumphs. successes and failures. broken hearts, even joy. Isn't it funny how all these seem to be impossible to exist together yet they do come in pairs. As if you can not possibly experience joy unless your heart has been broken. I like to think I have learned lessons I am intended to learn, make changes I needed to make, show love to those I would prefer not to be around. (lets face it, I am human and there are people in my world whom I would prefer not to have to see or talk to, but I hope with all my heart that I have been able to show love anyway even when I didn't feel like it.) I do know there has been more pain in the year 2010 than I have experienced in many years. Probably since the year I lost my Daddy.
What I really want to share this morning is not all of the pain and pieces of the year. but the moments when I felt as if I was completely alone and could not possibly take one more step forward or back. in those moments all through this year God has sent me reminders. telling me that He knows the pain and sorrow I carry. He has a plan and its OK that I do not understand. He is there.
pieces of peace:
my oldest dearest friend calls me after the house is asleep and we talk about nothing until 230am just like old times.
a brilliant sunset painted in purples, magenta and blues
a smiling child
a giggle
an unexpected Thank you from a random person
a hug from a dear lady who whispered encouragement in my ear on a day when I really needed to hear it
a friend who sees through my smile and sees my tears
a friend who sits with me in a darkened prayer room and allows me to cry my heart out
a random chat with an old friend who after 20 years still knows my heart
the way the snow and ice came down and kissed my trees and left a beautiful portrait of winter on my lawn
a passage in a book I randomly picked up to put away but sat and flipped through instead
a SCRIPTURE that breaths peace into my soul
I could write a novel filled with these kinds of moments. moments that randomly burst through the darkness of a bad day and shine HIS love on my face and let me know, really know that no matter the burdens of my day, no matter the condition of my heart. He loves me. and really that is all I need to know.
I can bare these sorrows, the pain and hurts and I can even continue to collect the scattered pieces and place them back together. I know the picture of who I am has been forever changed by the events of this year but that is not all together bad.
The photo I have posted was sent to me last night from a dear friend. It reminds me that perfect, peace-filled days do exist. I remember the day I walked through the field and sat on that bench.
2 Corinthians 12:9  "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness."

bright and early this morning...

my eyes fell upon the amazing sight...

winter came down...

and Kissed my trees.

as the day broke in the sky...

winter held on tight...

isnt she lovely against the brilliant sky?

even my evergreens look flocked with winter.

enveloped completely in white.

Christmas 2010

Christmas with Albers Family

Little Elijah and Zephan

Little Elijah

Christmas Eve Pajamas

Sam lookin' like his jammies!

Madison

Rooster Boosters make him smile!

so careful

finally got her Easy Bake Oven!

Isaiah laughing at Lij

gift card

Ninja Turtles!!

pink and purple outfit

Sam excited with his stocking!

Isaiah being a goof!

Sam

Excited about Fushigi

too interested in game to notice his last gift! haha!

photos for Uncle Cowboy

Sam

Sam had a speaking part.

Amaris

Amaris handing the decree.

Elijah praying

Sam singing

Amaris singing

Elijah all ready

Amaris all ready

gone...until further notice.

So much has been happening in our crazy little corner of the world....
Kids school programs, church programs, decisions, shopping, appointments and on and on....
Through much much prayer and consideration I have decided to make this blog public again. I should not feel I have to hide my thoughts and feelings. For reasons I do not understand God chose this journey for me to walk. He wants to use my experiences to encourage others or at the very least to let others know they are not alone. This revelation occurred to me the other day when I was reading the blog of a woman who has traveled this road of mental illness and children a bit longer than I. Her blog encourages me to remember that even in the darkest, most difficult days there lies brighter skies ahead. After reading her latest entry I was praying for her and for her daughter and God whispered into my heart....as much as I have given you through this woman I will give to others through you...please pray for me as I take this step. of making myself vulnerable and open to others criticisms and opinions. I do not write for others. I write because if I don't write I feel I may explode with all this thought and emotion bottled up inside...Thanks!

Day 24
I am thankful for our social worker. She is an amazing woman who really understands what a foster family is and does. Working with her it is evident that the child is the most important part of the case to her. She will move heaven and earth, she will fight furiously to achieve the very best outcome possible for the child. As a foster parent I do not see this often. It makes my job as a foster mom a thousand times easier knowing that we have someone fighting for what is right and not necessarily what is easy. Her case load is unimaginable yet she treats each one of her families as if they were her only case. I know she carries the worries and sorrow, triumphs and tears home with her. She invests her whole heart into each child and it shows in everything she does! I am blessed to be able to work with her, thanks Monica!

I don't know how to do this. I don't know how to stop being her mom. I have been Madison's mom for over 16 years. If one more person tells me that I am not "really" her mom I think I may scream! Tell my heart that. Tell GOD that he chose the wrong woman to be her mom. God doesn't choose wrong does HE? He doesn't make mistakes. I don't understand why He chose me. Clearly I am not any good at it, but He must have seen something I don't see.
I know most people do not understand this. But I am being very serious when I say that I love all of my children the same. I may have to express it in different ways to meet each one of them in their own way but I do love them all. I can honestly say I do not love Isaiah any more than I love Madison or the others. I truly feel like I am going crazy.
I don't know how to mourn the loss of a daughter who is still alive. I don't know how to stop worrying, stop loving, stop trying to find ways to help make her life all it was meant to be. I don't know how to do this!!!!!! All I want to do is run and pack her stuff and bring her home and MAKE IT ALL BETTER. Why can't I make it better?? Why is that I can be of such help to other peoples children and fail so miserably at my own???
I have never been a person who was good at playing mind games, I don't hold grudges and I don't play with other peoples emotions. I don't understand people who do. I don't understand how I became surrounded by people who do.
I don't understand how I am supposed to turn and walk away as if she was never my daughter. How do I pretend the last 16+years never happened?
Please just tell me how am I supposed to do this??
It's like I now live 2 completely different lives. Life #1 I am happy, love all people and do my best to be all God asks me to be, through church activities and Dropz of Hope and Foster Care.... Life #2 I have panic attacks, can't breathe and cry all the time. When I am home and the world can not see I turn into this mess of emotions that I have no control over. Most people have no idea that it is a daily struggle to accomplish anything. In the morning I force myself out of bed to face the day. Its so hard to look at yourself in the mirror when you know you have failed your child. It is a struggle to smile and chat nicely with people, not because I don't like them or because I don't WANT to be nice but it is nearly impossible to smile laugh and enjoy life when inside your heart is shattered into pieces. At night I struggle to fall asleep because it is then in the dark hours of the night that all the failures flood my mind in pictures and sound. I sleep in fits of tossing turning and nightmares that when I wake are confirmed to be true and not imagined. I don't want to live 2 lives. I want me back. I never was this way. I could always say to anyone who asked if you pop over to my house at any time of the day or night you will find I am the same person there that I am everywhere. And now a shamefully hide this side of me because this side of me mourns deeply the losses and failures I have caused in my daughter.
Is there not one person in this crazy world who understands my heart?
To say Madison was never my daughter is to say Amaris is not either. The day I willingly walk away from ANY of my children will be the day I draw my last breath on this earth.

Day 23
I am thankful for my coffee. I haven't been sleeping well lately and this morning I overslept by 45 minutes. I got up showered and was ready for the day in less than 20 minutes! My good strong coffee helped out a lot this morning!!

Day 22~
This morning I was thinking about what to write for my Thankful. I was reminded of Friday. And I knew I had to tell the story. Because even when I am frustrated, frazzled, upset and discouraged I am thankful it sometimes just takes a little nudge from God to remind me!
Friday was the big dinner for Dropz of Hope. I had my entire day planned out and knew exactly what I needed to get done and what the time line for the day needed to be. Then Scott decided to take the day off of work to fix the van. (which had started to act up on Wednesday.) I thought well, that's OK, then I can take his car to run errands and still be done in time to be at the church by no later than 3 to sort clothing for the families to look through. One thing after another kept happening and needless to say, I did not get things done the way I had intended. But, I was OK. Honest! until I got to the church and realized that we did not have enough food. I began to panic. We had 90 people coming for dinner and I honestly had no idea what to do. So I ditched the clothing and headed out to Wal Mart. In tears.
As I was running through the store trying to scramble and think of what I could buy that I could prepare in time, texting Nita to see if she had any ideas. I am sure I flew by people I know and didn't even see them. I was racing against the clock and frantic! I made it through the store in record time and began to search for the best fastest looking line. I settled into line # 9. Somehow I managed to cover my inner panic and chat with the gal who was checking me out. We made small talk and had a friendly little banter going. She wanting all my good food cuz she missed her lunch break to cover for another employee....when she asked what in the world I had bought so much for. I told her all about Dropz of Hope and the families who were coming for dinner. She got very quiet. I got nervous trying to figure out how I could have managed to offend her. When she looked me in the eye and said. :I just got my little boy back from foster care." I encouraged her told her I was proud of her and excited that she was able to get her son back! I told her that is EXACTLY why I am a foster parent, so that I can help be a part of reuniting a mother and her child!! Then she said something that completely shocked me.
She said, I think you might be the lady who helped my son when he was in foster care. The foster mom who took care of him used to take him to something like what you are talking about. They gave him clothes and all kinds of things. His foster mom has another boy who talks all the time about how much fun he has when he gets to go hang out with other foster kids. then she told me the foster mom's name, the other boy's name....and her son's name. And she was right. Dropz of Hope DID take care of her baby boy. In fact an entire community took care of him and loved him even when they did not know him. And because of that kind of Love, she was able to get her son back. She is doing GREAT now. And all she wanted was the opportunity to say thank you for loving her son.
As I walked out to the car with all the food I had frantically bought. My steps were considerably slower than before. I was in a much calmer state of mind. Pondering and praying. Thank you for reminding me that THIS is why we do what we do! To be the difference in the lives of the CHILDREN!
The dinner turned out amazing. We ended up with more than enough food. Everyone left with a smile bigger than the one they came with. I am THANKFUL seems so small to say for this moment. But I truly am!

Day 21
I am thankful today for the many opportunities my children are given to serve others. Today the children worked alongside other kids from church and made Thanksgiving baskets for families. From Isaiah all the way down to little E. They all worked really hard carrying, sorting, and packing all the food. We had a lot of fun!! And they were rewarded with Pizza!

Day 20
Today I am thankful for Dominique. My firstborn....every frst mommy moment is wrapped around him both good and bad. He has always had such a sweet spirit. He has to be the most compassionate caring loving young man I know. He may not always make the choices I would want him to and he tends to be on the stubborn side too. But he brings sunshine to my days and reminds me that there is always good in this world.

Day 19

Day 19~ I am thankful for Madison. Through Madison I have learned many life lessons. She has an intense personality, she is very creative and absolutely the most girly of all girls I have ever met. I have learned to appreciate glitter sparkles and spinning dresses. I have learned patience, perseverance, and to wait. My faith has increased ten fold as I wait on the Lord to answer my prayers for her life. One day I know God will use ALL of this for amazing things through Madison.

end to the toxic tummies!

WOW! What a week!
It began with Burrito and quickly traveled through Isaiah, Samuel, and Amaris. Nasty toxic tummies! Some were hit hard and some not so hard. It seems the first and last got it the worst. But Thankfully I got little E out on an early weekend before he got it and Big Elijah has been spared the toxic tummies all together! WHEW! What a relief to have it over, I was beginning to get high off the fumes of Lysol and bleach. We have a very busy weekend and I don't want to miss one minute of it!
I pray no one else has to deal with this, its nasty stuff!

day 18

Day !8~ Isaiah
Hero: a man of distinguished courage or ability, admired for his brave deeds and noble qualities.

I am thankful for Isaiah. He truly is a hero to me. All the pain he experiences on a daily basis, all the hurdles and walls and limits medicine has placed around him since he was a small boy. His response has been nothing less than heroic. Isaiah never complains, never gets angry or sad or depressed. He never questions why. He is the definition of good character. God placed Isaiah here for very special purpose. I do not yet understand all the trials he has been forced to face but I do know that God loves him and created him specially and uniquely to fulfill a special purpose only he will be able to fill. I am thankful for the opportunity to learn from my son how to be more heroic every day!

Day 17~
Elijah
When I was pregnant with Elijah on our first scheduled ultra sound the techs began to get flustered. Excused themselves from the room. Brought in specialists. The room filled with an eerie silence that I can still feel today if I think back on that day. The news was not good. our baby had deformed kidneys some sort of heart problem and a cyste that covered the entire surface of his brain. We were given pamphlets explaining the rare condition our baby was suffering from a business card for the "best" neonatologist in our area and we were told to go home research the condition and make an appointment with the specialist.
I walked out of the hospital that day feeling numb.
The next few days were filled with tears and prayers for my baby. I remember going to church and asking the prayer team to please anoint my belly because I wanted the anointing to get as close to my baby as possible.
Within a week we met with the specialist. He was matter of fact and very business like. He informed us that at best our baby might live a couple days. He strongly encouraged us to terminate the pregnancy. I let the doctor know in no uncertain terms that this child would not be terminated. What God saw fit to gift to us in the form of our child I would willingly and gladly take. He began to call our regular doctor and call me at home accusing me of being in denial and that I needed to focus on what was best for the baby. Finally after several weeks of phone calls I asked my doctor to call the specialist and let him know it was never OK for him to call me again. I had made my decision and was sticking to it.
We had 1 more ultrasound that confirmed 2 things 1 the devastating news was in fact true and we were having a boy. I secretly had wished for a girl and after my 1 moment of pouting began to talk to my son.
I continued to pray had people all over the world praying for my unborn son. It was leap year and February 29 was my due date. However Things happened quickly and we began to talk about inducing early. We tried mall walking with friends we tried spicy foods but none of those things worked. I checked into the hospital early in the morning of Feb 18 2000 in a snow storm ( I think there were 6 babies born that day named storm seriously!) Elijah came so fast I could not handle the delivery and lost a lot of blood, had a lot of complications. But all I was concerned about was my son. He was perfect. The stand by team was not needed, neonatal intensive care was not needed. He was perfectly healed and beautifully whole!
So today, on his turn instead of talking about his character or achievements I want to tell his miracle birth story. Because that is what I am most thankful for when I think of my Elijah.

Lysol....bleach....lysol....bleach!!
HELP!!!
Burrito was up every 40 minutes all night vomiting then around 230 Isaiah joined him! Poor boys! I am praying the toxic germs stop here and do not invade the rest of the monsters!

I have tried to refrain from posting about Madison ever since my thoughts caused problems. But I am in need of prayer. Urgent prayer!
Since there are only 17 people who are allowed to read this and all of you will pray please listen and understand that at the root of it all I love Madison and only want what is best for her.
Over the years we have had to take measures to protect Madison from choices her biological mother made. One of the decisions we along with Madison's doctors had to make when she was 16 years old was to cut contact and communication with her mother. It was a difficult decision to make but one that was necessary in order to protect Madison and to get her the hep she needed and continues to need.
Fast forward to the present time....Madison is 18 and considered to be a competent adult. I understand. I am also supposed to stand back and watch her make decisions. I understand that. She has chosen to live with a relative who does not understand mental illness and does not know the truth about Madison's history. This person also refuses to listen when we try to explain things. That said....here is my prayer need...Madison's aunt has made friends with Madison's mother on Facebook. which, in a perfect world should not be a big deal, except for the fact that her mother has no idea what has been going on with Madison since she was 16. I am afraid that Madison's Aunt will get her in contact with her Mother and then the progress Madison has begun to make will unravel. Making a relationship with her Mother at this time in her healing is a very BAD idea. Lord, Please I am begging You now to protect Madison protect her heart. Be with her now and let her feel Your presence fill her up and let her feel your arms around her. Lord also PLEASE open her aunts heart and mind so she may see the truth and realize what is truly best for Madison. Also I would ask that You touch her Mothers heart. soften it and allow her to see with Your eyes what has been done to her daughter and help her to make things right not only with You but also someday with Madison. AMEN

This morning I woke with a sadness I could not explain or comprehend. I tried in the shower. I tried while getting ready. Praying the entire way through each task I have accomplished this morning and have found no reasoning for this melancholy mood. Then as I was making hot chocolate for the kids a song from the kids musical popped in my head and slowly I feel the mood lifting. Thank you Ms Shelley for ministering to me through my children!
Call His name Jesus from the musical Angel Alert:
Call His name Jesus, our God is with us. He'll save His people from sin.
Call His name Jesus, the name that frees us. He will redeem those who put trust in Him.
Call His name Jesus, our God is with us. Lift up your voice, give Him praise!
Call His name Jesus, the name that frees us. Call His name Jesus, what a wonderful name!
Wonderful Counselor, Almighty God. He is the Prince of Peace, He is the King of Kings, our Lord Jesus Christ. Our Shepherd, our Savior, Redeemer and Friend, the Son of the Highest, Our Lord, Jesus Christ.
I even put it on my IPod this morning to remind me...

catching up on my thankfuls

Day 12~ It was raining on Friday I had a garage full of donations for Dropz of Hope. Donations that were scattered and had absolutely no order to them at all. Scott has been wanting his side of the garage back for some time now (since the flood in July) I knew I had to get to work. Days when I have not sweet toddlers running about "helping" are few and far between. But I had a hard time rounding up the motivation to trek out in the rain and cold to get the job done. Nita came out and together we got the job done! WHEW! and......we made a new friend Paula in the process (thanks Pastor Lori for sending that angel our way!)
Day 13~ Saturday our family went with the Royal Rangers and Girls Ministries from church to fill bags of beans for Convoy of Hope. What a blessing it was to spend a couple hours with kids from all over the state preparing food to go all over the world to feed hungry people! for more info about Convoy of Hope go to convoyofhope.org
Day 14~ Saturday evening I took Lij to see Annie Junior at the local community theater. One of the girls in the show is in my Sunday School class and a friend of mine had all 3 of her kids in the show! When I walked in to the theater I stopped dead in my tracks. I wasn't quite sure what to do. Should I turn and leave? should I go in and hope not to have a confrontation? should I go in and HIDE? I said a quick prayer of rescue and direction and proceeded in. Thank God He protected us from a scene. You see the foster mom who had Zephan before he came to us was working in the theater. One of her children was in the show. It is difficult for me to see this woman who did not take proper care of him before he came to us. There is so much more to Zephan's story than what I can comfortably write here but I am so thankful God rescued him and delivered him to my heart and home. I was reminded of where he could have been and my heart filled with thanks to God!
Day 15 & 16 ~ I am thankful that God chose me to be Sam and Amaris's forever Mama. They arrived on Fathers Day 2003. Frail, scared, and very sick. Over the years they have had to endure a lot of pain emotionally and some physically. God knew they belonged with us and after 23 months of trying to heal their biological family God chose us to become their forever family. I am blessed to be able to see all the healing and growth that has happened and continues to happen in their lives!

Day # 11

I was standing in the driveway this morning waiting for Burrito's bus thinking about which blessing I was going to write about this morning. As I was standing there I could see the mist of the fog dancing in the rays of the sun who was desperately trying to shine. And I thought about how amazing God is to remind me on mornings like this how much He loves me. He loves me so much that He gives me little reminders in His beautiful artwork in the sky and all around me. In the way the dew stands up dimensionally on the blade of grass, or the way the leaves gracefully float to earth after turning majestic shades of fall. Or the way the birds and crickets form a symphony of sound that is soothing to my ears. I needed a reminder today. I was grumpy. Had a rough morning and was feeling down about a lot of things. The beauty He showed me through the misty morning air reminded me that He loves me. I am thankful for the ability to see hear and experience the glory of God's creation.

Day # 10

Today as I was getting ready for the day I thought back over the past couple years for Isaiah. Isaiah LOVES school. He loves his friends. But because of his "cautiously stable" state of health has been unable to attend public school since 6th grade. Last year we noticed him retreating back into he protective shell he creates around himself. He stopped talking to people unless he had to, he stopped looking in your face when he was talking to you, he spent more and more time alone in his room, happy and content alone with his legos and Risk games. Don't get me wrong he was NOT depressed or pitiful. Quite the opposite actually. He is happy to be alone. The problem I saw was that he was not learning how to be with people, how to interact socially and he was growing more and more uncomfortable in social settings. And so began my search for a small school to enroll him.
I found Heritage Christian Academy in Des Moines, it is perfect for him. In the upper learning center )7th-12th grades) there are 20 students. The only obstacle we had in our way was transportation. His start time is the same as our bus pick up for the elementary plus Zephan started preschool and his bus picks him up at 810 every morning. Thanks to the generosity of my mother, Isaiah has a ride to school every day! She comes every morning at 745 and takes him to school. What a blessing for Isaiah and for me to watch him grow and mature and make new friends!

Day #8 & 9

Day # 8~
Broken. That is a perfect description of my he. my heart. my life.
You may think it strange that I would be thankful for such a state. Living and breathing in a state of complete and utter brokenness has brought about several things in my life. I have learned I have friends who are closer than family. Through my brokenness I can see more clearly the fractures in others lives and have the urges to reach out and mend them. More than these. I have been reminded that in my brokenness God weeps with me. In my heartache He weeps. In all my pain and loneliness God WEEPS. He weeps with me and for me. Because He LOVES me that much. It is that unconditional never changing always there love that I am so thankful for today!

Day #9~
Today I am thankful for the Lovely Beautiful 70+ weather we have been blessed with this early November. Much more pleasant than blustery cold that we had last year at this time. We have been taking Full advantage of the weather and raked leaves, cleaned gutters, washed all the windows and screens. Love being outdoors and getting fresh air!

Dropz of Hope and a new 'tude

I have been thinking and praying a lot lately for the direction Dropz of Hope is taking. Wondering why are we growing and serving more families each month but yet still are unable to secure an attorney to complete our 501 C3 and allow us to tap into the many resources out there. Wondering if the hold up is my hesitation God's hesitation or maybe lack of courage on my part....I don't really know the answer maybe a little of all the above.
This weekend was World Missions weekend at our church. As I was praying and preparing for our children's banquet, and as I was sitting in the services on Sunday a thought occurred to me. One I had never entertained before. I am still praying through this and trying to hear God speak to me. Clearly what I heard last night and the night before and before that on Friday morning during my devotions was this:
You are a missionary.
Me? I am a missionary? I have no training, no bible college education, no endorsements. How is that??
You are a missionary.
I am not in a foreign country saving starving people of devastating circumstances of their lives. How is that??
You are a missionary.
As I sat in service last night. The thought repeated like a broken record. Throughout the time of the speaker talking about Rural Missions in the US. I kept feeling these words being dropped into my heart. You Are A Missionary.
Maybe I am.

Day #6 & 7

I   had a weekend, so I am posting Day #6 and 7 in one post.
DAY#6
I am thankful that I was given the honor privilege and opportunity to partner with Iowa Kids Net to raise awareness for children in foster/group/residential care waiting for adoption. These children truly are my very heartbeat!

Day #7
I am thankful for friends. Friends have become my family. My children have not been given the opportunity to grow up with cousins, aunts, uncles and grandparents all around as I did. Over the years we have built relationships and friendships who have become like family to us. They love our children as if they were theirs. A friend last night at church just knew instinctively what I needed and with out words or expression acted on that instinct and was there for me just like a sister would have been. I am blessed.

Balloon Launch

Tomorrow is a very important day for me. Dropz of Hope is partnering with Iowa Kids Net to celebrate National Adoption Month. Dropz of Hope is coordinating a site for the statewide balloon launch to raise awareness about children in foster care and those waiting to be adopted into their Forever Family.
There are aproximately 127,000 children in the United Sates who are waiting to be adopted from foster care. Many of these children will wait as long as 5 years for a forever family to choose them. Five years may as well be a life time to a child. Over 29,000 children will reach the age of 18 and age out of foster care without ever finding their forever family.
Tomorrow we will be launching 40 balloons, each balloon represents aproxiamtely 100 children in foster care, shelter care or highly structured group care on any given day. Iowa especially is in need of homes for teenagers, children with special needs or behavioral needs, and sibling groups. Iowa also is in great need for Latino, African American and Native American foster and foster/adopt homes. If you have extra room in your heart and extra space in your home please consider contacting Iowa Kids Net and ask about becoming a foster family. 1-800-243-0756 or visit their web site iowakidsnet.com
In the mean time, come out tomorrow to the Berean Assembly of God north parking lot and show your love and support to the children, they are amazing kids and deserve all the best!
Thank you Iowa Kids Net for allowing Dropz of Hoipe to participate in this event! We are truly HONORED!!!

Day #5

I am thankful for the laughter of children.
Hearing a child laugh a good belly laugh followed by uncontrollable giggles fills my heart to overflowing! Not just the laughter of my children but to witness the pure elation and delight of a child whose funny bone has been tickled makes me giggle too!

Day #4

Day #4 I am thankful for the women in my life who I look to for wisdom guidance love understanding and sometimes correction.
Many years ago I came across a greeting card that put into words how I feel in my heart about the women who have influenced my life. I can't remember if I have posted this before but no matter, it is definitely worthy of re-posting today. I am not sure I would be able to name the women who have influenced and continue to influence my journey as a woman, mother, wife and friend.

PRAISE TO THE WOMEN ON MY JOURNEY
By: Rev. Melissa M. Bowers

To the women on my journey
Who showed me the way to go and ways not to go,
Whose strength and compassion held up a torch of light and beckoned me to follow…

To the women on my journey
Who showed me how to live and not to live,
Whose grace, success and gratitude lifted me into the fullness of surrender to God…

To the women on my journey
Who showed me what I am and what I am not,
Whose love, encouragement and confidence Held me tenderly and nudged me gently…

To these women I say bless you and thank you
From the depths of my heart,
For I have been healed and set free
Through your joy and through your sacrifice.

I am grateful for the blessing you are to me.

Day #3

Day #3
I had little time for computers yesterday since I was running from the time I woke til the time I went to bed. So here is Nov. 3 2010 thankful....
Daily talks with Gramma. Many years ago when Dad was sick and dying I began the daily routine of talking to Gramma every morning. What a way to start the day. Nearly every morning (there are a few scattered here and there where we miss for one reason or another) I call her around 9am. Our conversations can last a few minutes to just check in and see how we are or can last nearly an hour as we encourage each other, give advice, cry and just plain love on each other. I often think what will I do when she is no longer here for our morning talks? Then I quickly dismiss the thought and savor each moment we have now. I love my Gramma very much, and somehow through her and our daily chats my Dad feels a little closer.

Day #2

Day #2~ I am thankful for the right to vote and the freedom to have my voice heard.
I will not pretend to be an expert in politics nor will I claim to be a great debater of issues. I am, however, GRATEFUL for the right to express my opinion in the polls. To have the right for my tiny voice to be heard and counted on issues that are dear to my heart and will affect the lives of my children. Thankful to live in this country where my voice counts. When I was standing in line today waiting my turn I was thinking of something my Dad always said. "If you vote you give yourself the right to have an opinion if you don't vote then your remove your own rights. No one else did that to you. So I vote. every election. I want to count. I want my voice to be heard. I have heard people say "vote is just 1. what difference will that make?" I was thinking about that today. What difference? Probly not much all alone. But you add that to another who feels the same way and another and another then pretty soon we are all standing around wondering what happened to our town, state, country....if more people took the time to educate themselves on the elections and took the 15 minutes it takes to vote...maybe we would all be a little better off. Maybe.

November 1, 2010

I started this thing on Facebook the 31 days of Thankfulness and have decided to continue it here as well.
I realize today is really Nov. 2 but I am posting one for yesterday and then a new post for today. I LOVE counting my blessings!
So Nov. 1, 2010 I am thankful for Dropz of Hope and the amazing opportunity God has laid before me to serve awesome foster families in central Iowa. I meet some of the most incredible people along this journey. God is faithful even during the moments of uncertainty for Dropz He always comes through bigger and better than I expected. I love the look in the eye of a foster mother when I deliver a crib for the new little baby she just picked up from the hospital and had no idea where he would sleep. Or the look on the face of 10 year old girl who was removed from school and was able to take nothing along with her when I give her new clothes and a jacket that actually LOOK like all the other kids at school PRICELESS. Or the look on the face of the little boy who was able to play baseball for the first time ever because Dropz of Hope paid the league fee and had ball pants in the perfect size....the heartfelt gratitude in the eyes of the children and the foster parents when we are able to meet a need or lend an ear or provide respite and support just when they need it the most.
Lord, What an HONOR to serve You through Dropz of Hope. Thank you for trusting me with these children and their families!

These past couple months have been by far the most difficult for me so far. It is times like these that I miss my Dad even more. He was not a perfect man. He made mistakes. But he taught me so many things. One of the most valuable of these lessons was to love unconditionally and to love no matter what. I think that is what makes these months so difficult. I miss him. A lot!
A couple nights ago I could not sleep again. I sat up in bed with a flash light and wrote him a letter. I cried and I wrote. I wish I could hear his voice. To hear his response to my words. To hear his correction if I am wrong and encouragement if he agrees. To feel his gentle touch. To see his love for his grandchildren.
Daddy and I October 30, 1993.

Now that I have gone member only, I am thinking changing the name from 'my transparent heart' to 'my hidden heart' may be more appropriate. I hate that I have been forced into hiding. Forced to protect my thoughts and feelings. But, I would far rather protect my family and myself than to have anyone who feels like it, randomly leave unkind messages for all the world to see.
I think by far the sadest part for me were the messages I have recieved from people all over. Telling me that they stumbled on my blog through some search or another, that they are living and breathing similarly painful situations in their lives. That they if nothing else gain the strength of knowing they are not alone and quite possibly are not as crazy as they thought. Living with a loved one with a serious mental illness is a scary lonely place to be much of the time, and just finding someone ,even if they are not there in a form you could reach out and touch, brings a kind of comfort that is difficult to describe. Sadly these people who have contacted me do not feel comfortable revealing their identities and locations so I can not invite them to join. That makes me sad. Very sad.

Here is the final post ~
I want to make it very clear what was expected of us Madisons parents during this 30 day period following her commital. Frankly I should not have to explain myself or my motives but since I have been accused of neglecting Madison ignoring her and not caring about her during this period I feel it is aappropriate to address this issue. Also It has come to my attention that there are some people who read my blog who felt uncomfortable with what I write and felt it necessary to inform family members of my writing. Please understand, I write here for personal reasons. If you have an issue with me or what I write I would appreciate a PRIVATE message in the form of phone call or email. there is no need to involve third party people or to publicly call me out on my blog.
When we were in court with Madison several things happened.
The judge ruled that Madiosn take 30 days to prove she can take care of herself, BY HERSELF. He knew full well that she does not have a job, money, place to live, or ability to drive. This was the POINT. Madison was not and still is not stable enough to care for herself. The goal was and always has been to prepare Madison to be as healthy and Independant as possible. She was instructed to do everything on her own. Medications, pharmacy, appointments. GED and comply with services that are already in place. She was informed of the free bus token program and was told to contact people through that program to learn how to take public transportation to get to and from her appointments. She was told to apply for SS and medicaid to help pay for her medication since she has chosen to be an independant adult our health insurance will soon run out and then she will have no coverage. Masdison was FULLY informed of all the things she is required to do during this 30 day period. She has lost services due to non compliance, services that she was on the waitlist for 18 months or more to recieve. She is very near losing SS and will not be able to reapply for a year. She has not followed through with the medicaid application either. If these services are terminated it will hurt her not help her. We were ordered to NOT help her in anyway unless she called us and asked specifically for help with getting her medications or applying for the services. Madison has not called me to ask for help on anything. She has called to inform me of how I have ruined her life, she has called me to inform me of the piercing she got, she has called me to inform me that she thinks she is pregnant she has called me to inform me that she quit taking her medications and doesnt notice any difference so she has no intention of continuing. She has called me to inform me that she hopes to become pregnant if she ends up not being pregnant. ALL of these reports are directly from Madison over the phone. I did not make them up. But I am very concerned. I am worried about her and her future.
The end of the 30 days is this week. She has not called the program she was enrolled in for her GED. She has not learned the bus system.
My goal is not and never has been to expect failure in my daughter. My goal has been to prepare her for a possitive future one where she will thrive and be healthy and productive.
The most difficult part of these 30 days has been knowing that my hands are tied and we have been ORDERED by the courts to do NOTHING!
Thanks for taking the time to read this. And please if you are not going to support us in this journey to help Madison find her way in this world please leave us alone. This is hard enough with love and support.

blog definition:
A frequent, chronological publication of personal thoughts and Web links.

Definition of BLOG


: a Web site that contains an online personal journal with reflections, comments, and often hyperlinks provided by the writer

I apologize that my inner thoughts, feelings and emotions have caused great offense to some people. I believe there is no wrong or right way to experience a persons emotions and feelings. The things I write about on my blog are important to me. I do not write this blog for others. I write because it brings me organization of thought and allows me to gain perspective on what is happening in my life. I do not write to hurt people. And would NEVER write to hurt my children. ANY of my children. I do have 7 children. I love each one of them. Each one has their own unique personalities, characteristics, triumphs and failures. Each one requires a different kind of love and patience. I have never claimed to be a perfect parent. I know that I make mistakes along the way. But this is a journal of MY journey with MY children and MY family. From MY heart. This is a personal reflection of my heart. I should not have to apologize for expressing my heart.
Because I have offended people and because it has caused great pain to people I love deeply I have decided to change my blog to a members only blog. If you follow this blog and wish to continue please send me your contact email so I may send you an invitation. This will be the last entry until I have completed the transition. Thank you for understanding.

I am sitting in Larkspur at my cousins. This is my last evening here in California. You may find this funny and a bit fitting ~ it has not rained here in over 3 months. It began raining approximately 20 minutes after my plane landed and has not stopped since. We still went places and saw beautiful things, had amazing moments of discussion and silence. It has been a good trip. I am grateful for the opportunity to fly out here and wish that I could say I will be returning refreshed and ready to take on the world. Although that was the goal sadly I find that once again I am forced into a position of defense. Just a few short hours before I am to board a plane for home I find that my place. This place. My safe place where I have found peace in the storms of my life, where I pour out my feelings and slowly figure out this crazy life. This place where I have chosen to be transparent and open, honest and real. I find there are people reading who feel the need not only to judge me but also, of all things, to PRINT out portions of my blog and take it to Scott. As if I would ever write things on here to bring shame or dishonor to my family. I am angry and deeply hurt.
Here is the deal. This is my place. A place I have chosen to be transparent and honest about MY LIFE. I have invited the world to visit and read. And I pray over every post that somehow my experience, my life, my thoughts may touch someone else on a day they need to be touched. If you do not like what I have to say please do us both a favor and delete your link to my blog. If you read my postings in order that you may judge me and all the mistakes I have made please make today the last day you read this. Believe me, I am hard enough on myself for the challenges of my children. I judge my mistakes far more harshly than you ever could. The guilt I impose on myself goes deeper than any guilt you could ever try to impose on me.
I will continue to write. I will continue to be honest open and transparent. Please, do me a favor, you made choices long ago to not have me be a part of your life and I over the years have come to accept that I will never belong in your world. I am asking that you please stop reading my blog, if you can not stop reading then please stop judging. Also, Scott is fully aware that I have this blog, he knows what I say here, so there is no need to inform him of my writings. But thank you for being so concerned about my inner thoughts and feelings.
just a foot note: it is absolutely positively Impossible to understand, cure or reverse mental illness in 30 days or less. in 30 days or less what you will see is a honey moon phase that will confirm all your suspicions of neglect, bad parenting and any other horrible thought you have ever had toward the parent. I know this because no matter where Madison has been she has always without fail had lovely honey moon phases. in that 30 days you will also see, if you pay attention lying manipulating and sneaky behavior. If those behaviors are not noticed and dealt with then they will quickly grow as they did with my Madison in TC and also at FFY. By holding the hand of the person who is supposed to be proving they can do it on their own, by counting pills and making sure that person makes it to all the appointments and babysitting you are not helping that person get closer to success. what you are doing is setting yourself and them up for failure because when the bottom falls out and the mental illness exits the honeymoon and the behaviors and manipulations take front seat again that person will have no services and no safety net to catch them. and at some point you will be too exhausted to babysit drive count and double check every move. mental illness is not caused by a step mother not caring. it is not caused by parents being too strict. it is a biological and sometimes inherited illness that is the fault of NO ONE!! the. end.

This morning I am leaving for a much needed R&R with my cousins in San Fransisco. It will be a short trip, I will be back in Iowa by 2pm on Sunday. I must admit, I really need this time away. I usually do not feel like I need a break. But honestly all this stuff with Madison has gotten me exhausted. I have come to the realization that most people will just NEVER get it. They will never understand what we deal with on a daily basis. That although she is a BEAUTIFUL young lady and can appear to be polite and soial she is ill. Her illness will not magically go away (unless God choses to heal her) she needs to take her meds and follow doctors orders. Right now she has chosen to do niether of these. I have had to make the most difficult decision so far and step out of the situation. I have to if there is a chance of saviing her future I can not be involved. The stress of it all the constant worry and heartache makes me that much more excited for this little weekend trip. Besides I get to spend quality kid free time with my cousins!! ;0)
Please pray for my travels and for my family here at home while I am gone. Love you all!

updates on the monsters

DOMINIQUE~ has been on tour again with a different band this time. By all reports he is having the time of his life! He and I had some good chats about his future and all its possibilities before he left. Hopefully he is thinking on those things while running around this beautiful country! I miss him and can not wait for him to come home and see his room We FINALLY got it all put back together from the flood! I hope he loves it!
MADISON~ I can honestly say I have no idea how my daughter is doing. She rarely calls. I am still very concerned but as I have said before my hands are tied and there is nothing I can do but wait and watch and PRAY!
ISAIAH~ has been loving school. I am not sure if he talks to anyone or has even made any friends but he is doing really well in all his classes and is always happy! His school is on fall break right now so no school for him until next Tuesday! He has been super helpful with the babies so far and we FINALLY got his and Lij's room put back together last night. Carpet came yesterday and with the help of Uncle Cowboy we moved them back in before bed! he is a happy boy now!!
ELIJAH~has been taking trumpet lessons at school and last night started piano lessons. He is so excited! LOVES LOVES LOVES it I know its only been one lesson but that boy has music in him just like Dominique so I am sure his love will just grow! He is doing very well in school, his only complaint seems to be he misses the art teacher who was transferred to a different school this year. He too is happy to be back in his room and is anxiously awaiting the addition of his 2 baseball players that will be going on the wall just as soon as I can get the help of someone more talented than me to put them up! ;0)
AMARIS~what fun she had a couple weeks ago on Paula's farm! She is a natural with the horses and just makes me wish even more that we lived on a farm! She would be in all her glory living on a farm! I guess we will have to both settle for visiting Miss Paula's family! now if I could only figure out a way to make her stop being bossy and fighting with Sam..... ;0)
SAMUEL~ loves being outdoors and will do just about anything to get out there! He is doing better in school and seems to really love it!
ZEPHAN~ gets on and off the school bus all by himself now! What progress! However I have noticed that his behaviors here at home have intensified since he has been going to school. Most days are QUITE CHALLENGING to say the least! We will be doing some testing at the regional child protection center in the next few weeks and hopefully learn some new strategies to help the little man out!
LITTLE E~ Yes, he is still with us. He has grown physically since he has been with us but he is also changing socially. He interacts more and loves to be hugged and held now! I love progress! I am still praying for his return to his family....

I am not sure when it happened that I became more keenly aware of random people around me. I am not sure I remember the day it changed. But it did. I know it did because I can no longer venture out into the world of errands, grocery shopping and such without being wrecked completely wrecked for the rest of the day simply by the sight of a fellow human being who appears to be less fortunate than I. I am not saying I am the fortunate soul nor am I claiming to be better than anyone. Its more of a self revelation. Take today for example:
I am standing in the check out line at the local Wal Mart. Suddenly this HORRIFIC smell blasts me in the face. So horrific that I begin to look around to find the source of it and try to remedy it in some way. What I found was a most pitiful sight. I do NOT mean this in a mean kind of way. I mean this in a heartbreaking wreck your soul for the day kind of way. I see shuffling down the aisle past me an elderly woman, completely covered in filth. No evidence of a recent bath, no evidence of a comb or brush coming near her head.clothing layered too thick and a few sizes too large. I saw the looks of horror and disbelief on the faces of others walking by and realized i must look the same. in that moment i felt regret for my reaction. Then it was my turn in line and the cashier apologizes....APOLOGIZES...for the presence of this woman. Really? She went on to explain that for 5 years at least this woman comes in to buy food for her cats. that this woman is "not quite right" that no one wants to wait on her because her smell lingers for EVER after she has gone. Then she told me that once a cashier followed this poor woman home to try and offer help. She has no one. A daughter who lives far away and wants nothing to do with her....she is an old lonely soul who obviously can not care for herself. Clothing saturated in urine belonging to both herself and the cats. No ability to even recognize the condition of her existence is poor at best. I have thought of this woman ALL DAY! I am sad for her. Sad that she is unable to care for herself or even see that she is in need of being cared FOR. I am sad that she is all alone in this world and sad that people shudder and turn away in disgust when they see her. I am disappointed in myself for merely watching. observing and not acting. What I could have done I do not know. How I could of made a difference will never be seen because all I did was stand frozen in the moment watching. I have prayed for her, for God to send an angel in human clothing to come along side her and take care of her.

letting go vacuums!

I am a mom. Mom to 8 children. I have been a mom for 20 years, 4 months and 7 days. This morning I woke after a fit filled nights sleep. I realized this morning although I have played with the concept for some time now. Like Dominique's senior year of high school. Or when he went off to live in the dorms for the first time. Or the first time I had to sit down and have the welcome to real life discussion. So I have visited this place of letting go before. I just chose not to stay. I would make quick necessary visits then go back to the comforts of 'home' where I can keep my children safe and make them successful, HAPPY, well adjusted young adults. But here lately, I have come to the place where I am forced to pack up the 'old mom' and move to letting go. I hate every minute of it. It is painful at times to see your child turn and head down the path you know is not right for them. Or to watch them make a decision you completely disagree with and you taught them NOT to behave in a way in which they suddenly behave. It is difficult when you know they are out there in the world doing things and showing the world a mirror reflection of yourself as the parent who raised them. It is most difficult for me to state my opinion, step back and watch. I always seem to state my opinion step back then jump right back in there and give more advice trying with all my might to sway their decision. Desperate to protect from the inevitable consequence and pain that I am sure will follow.
Right now I am struggling with letting go of my 2 oldest. Both in different ways, both have triumphs and successes along with the pain of failure and disappointment. Sometimes I am pleasantly surprised and sometimes I am deeply disappointed in the choices they make. I must take in a very deep breath and hold it...maybe in another 5 years I will have this letting go thing mastered and they will magically have the ability to seek and take counsel when making life altering decisions. I love my children and want all the best for each of them.
I am trying more every day to remember that I taught them all I could, gave them the foundation of faith and unconditional love. I pray over them and KNOW that they and their futures lie in the palm of God's hand. .

Painting painting painting is finally done....well all but a few minor details. Today I will attend to the details and go out to hunt down the carpet. Might I finally see the light at the end of our tunnel? I think we may be close to moving all the boys back into their rooms! Once I get them settled in to their rooms I will be moving the upstairs kids rooms around. I am hoping to be done by the weekend. Please-o-please let this happen! It seems that every time I 'plan' for the work to be done some crisis arises that consumes my days and the rooms sit untouched. I am on a roll and my mind is full of ideas to make the rooms more fun and more functional for each of them!

The end of the week and weekend were full of many things. We had court on Wednesday for Madison, I had to keep Isaiah home to help with kids and buses. Then Isaiah got sick and spent nearly 3 days in PJs and in bed. I am happy to report he is feeling much better now and should be back into the school routine tomorrow (good thing Mondays are no school days for him). Funny thing happened last night with Isaiah. He has been stubborn and refusing to even look at glasses adamantly declaring that the doctor is stupid and has no idea what he is talking about. We have had anger, crying, pouting the works over these crazy glasses. Last night after church Isaiah was teasing Big Elijah and put his glasses on. Isaiah stopped dead in his tracks. Looked around the room slowly. Just stood there expressionless. I said "can you see with Lij's glasses?" Isaiah said "everything is so bright and clear. By the way you need to vacuum!" HA! So I calmly asked if he now understands why we need to get him glasses. He matter-of-factly said "YEP. When can we go?" That simple. Why I didn't think of this sooner is beyond me! All he needed was proof and then he could come to terms with the outcome. He felt fine seeing the way he always has because to him it was normal! CRAZY! Needless to say I think we will do the glasses thing this week!
Friday was a no school day for everyone and no day care for me. I was planning something fun but Isaiah was still sick, so I planned a couple meetings and painted instead. It was a beautiful day and the kids were outdoors all day!
Saturday we got up early and finished the painting job then cleaned up and went to a really nice park for a birthday party. Dorothy Graham brought us her special fried chicken and some wonderful pies. Just because she loves us! She is one amazing lady!

I can hardly believe we are at conference time already! Its always a challenge to juggle all the kids conferences. I need to learn not to schedule back to back but rather leave a break between each one. Last night began with Amaris, and a student led conference followed up with a little one on one with me the teacher. I was bursting with PRIDE over watching Amaris lead her conference. Not only did she do an awesome job telling me all she has been doing in school but she looked so GROWN UP! When did that happen?? I think the part I loved the most was seeing the SPARKLE in her eyes as she spoke. She has made a 100% improvement from last year. Studying hard, participating in class, listening and following directions. Her grades are all A's and B's and we had ZERO behavior issues! I rewarded her with a trip to the book fair where she bought 2 new books!
Then I was off to Samuel's conference. And again I was SHOCKED at the vast improvement!! He has rocked it out this year. We still have a few minor things to work on but WOW! I was not expecting to hear such wonderful things! My favorite part of his conference was reading his very imaginative story all about dinosaurs. The couple things we are working on are so minor in comparison to the amount of progress he has made! Behavior has been so much better! I went directly to the book fair and had Big Elijah pick out a book for him as a reward. When I got home I made everyone in the house come to living room for the grand announcement. I told EVERYONE that Sam had a 100% perfect conference for the first time and that I am super super proud of him. I gave him the new book and he has not put it down since, I think he even slept with it last night! heeheehee!
The last conference of the night was Big Elijah. His was also student led. Lij is so shy about being in the center of attention but his teacher was WONDERFUL about helping him along and making him feel comfortable. Elijah has made huge improvements since the beginning of the year. At the beginning of the year they do little probes to see where the kids are in each area then just before conferences they repeat the probes. He had HUGE improvements in all areas! Every parent appreciates hearing how their child is doing in school both good and bad. I especially love to hear the good things (who wouldn't??) Lij's teacher said she is super proud of Lij for his good attitude, manners, respect, and excellent leadership qualities! He sat there blushing and stared at the table while she went on about how proud she was. My favorite part of his conference has nothing to do with it at all....I love how his cheeks get all rosey and he has this tiny bit of a smile just on one side when he hears people say nice things about him. Lij also got a trip to the book fair as his reward!
Amaris, Samuel and Lij.....I could not be happier with the way our conference night turned out! All 3 of you ROCKED IT OUT!! and I am super proud of all of you! LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE !!!!

I have contemplated back and forth on whether or not I was going to post this....if I did how....I am still not sure. But I believe I must because it is a part of our journey with Madison and if nothing else maybe our experience will guide another mother through the darkness of mental illness. So with that in mind I pray God will again give me the words to say here words that will be truthful and not cause harm to anyone.
In the process of a civil commitment Madison was given a court appointed attorney as were we as the petitioners. Tuesday evening I was contacted by our attorney. We talked about Madison and why she is in this situation. Sadly not much counts in a case such as this. We can ONLY consider her frame of mind, acts, and violence in the past 10 days. Since she has been in the hospital 4.5 out of the 10 days we have little to go on. (When asked how she was doing Madison said "I am fine, I HAVE to be if I ever want out of here." this is the side of Madison that is manipulative. She is not fine, she is not stable and yet is able to pretend in order to survive 1 more day and be released....) I hung up the phone after a 20 minute conversation feeling sick and scared. Sick because I knew now that my daughter would no longer be safe. Scared for her future.
I did not sleep at all Tuesday night. Trying to organize my thoughts. Trying to figure out a plan. Trying not to envision what lies ahead.
Broadlawns Hospital is not a pleasant place to be. It is uncomfortable and sad. As you walk through the corridors of the hospital you see the less fortunate of our cities trudging along. Some sick. Some dirty. Some obviously strung out. Some dragging a ragged child or 2 behind them. Sad. I could not believe life with Madison had come to this. I barred my thoughts from going one step further and willed myself into survival mode.
The 3 of us made our way to the hearing room. We briefly met with our appointed attorney who explained in a gruff deep voice what was already decided.
 My heart sank. With every word spoken I felt my daughter moving further away and deeper into a world she is not capable of surviving. Ten days. Ten days is all they can consider. Forget about history forget about diagnosis forget about behavior patterns forget about medications and whether or not she has ever been compliant in taking them. 10 days. Oh and by the way...a person placing themselves in danger of being raped injured or killed by a 3rd party does not count in considering that persons ability to be considered a competent adult. So forget about the fact that she went with COMPLETE strangers believing they were her friends and would take care of her, forget about EVERYTHING that happened to her while she was with them....this only accounts for the 3rd party's frame of mind NOT hers....
So sitting there waiting I felt a darkness come over me. Its difficult to feel the warmth of the sunshine when such darkness surrounds you....We waited and waited then were ushered into the hearing room. We sat and waited some more. Madison arrived accompanied by her attorney and escorted by the sheriff. She looked nervous but happy to see us. Her childlike self was out in full force. We were called to order, the lawyers talked fast and it was over with out consideration. It was difficult to hear over the whir of the airconditioning system. I leaned forward put my head in my hands so I could concentrate on what the ruling would be. In words that we could understand the judge decided Madison was competent and able to care for herself. She has been given full authority to do as she wishes. But she has to do it all independently and on her own with no help for others. Meds, appointments, GED, everything, on her own. Her plan was to go to her Aunt's house and we were asked to take her there.
The frustrating thing for me is that the judge could take none of the important things about Madison into consideration when making this decision. A doctor who has never met her was fooled by her desire to get out and here we are. Her attorney told her ahead of time it would be best for her if she just answered YES to everything then we would get done and out faster. So she did. Every statement made, every question asked Madison responded yes. One time she said No I mean yes no I mean no she was confused and clearly had no comprehension of what was being said what she was agreeing to and what she was signing. Madison is not able to care for herself. I wish she were but she isn't. This ruling is not going to help her, this will hurt her in the long run. And now my hands are tied. As her mother I sat there wanting to jump up and shout "do you not see what you are doing?" "Do you really understand what he just said Madison??" because some of it I was not sure I could fully grasp. I wanted to argue and kick and scream and cry and shout at that judge and force him to see what he was doing was horribly wrong. But I sat there quietly staring at the floor beneath my feet trying to imagine what our future will hold. And the sad scary reality settled in around me we are not done with this kind of experience, this may have been our first trip to the mental health court room but I doubt it will be our last. If only they would have been able to see the bigger picture. Maybe we would be able to change some things...
I was driving this morning wondering. Last night I taught a lesson on integrity to my girls at church. I know this isn't exactly the same but one of the ways I explained integrity to the girls was that a person with integrity is the same on the inside as they are on the outside....this morning I was thinking and wondered if people can see my broken heart? I nicely greet the cashier and tell them life is GREAT! I let a gentleman with 2 items go ahead of me in line rather than wait for my huge purchase and make pleasant small talk filled with smiles....can they see in my eyes that I am screaming inside and my heart is broken? As I taught my lesson last night and played around teasing my girls I wonder, could they see the pain I felt? I am not the same on the outside as I am on the inside. And truth be known I don't want the people around me to ever have to see or feel the kind of pain I am living right now. Integrity is something I will have to work on, if I am going to teach it I should probly live it.

My good friend Jodi sent this to me in an email.....made me think.

Written by Regina Brett, 90 years old, of the Plain Dealer, Cleveland , Ohio

"To celebrate growing older, I once wrote the 45 lessons life taught me. It is the most requested column I've ever written.
My odometer rolled over to 90 in August, so here is the column once more:

1. Life isn't fair, but it's still good.
2. When in doubt, just take the next small step.
3. Life is too short to waste time hating anyone.
4. Your job won't take care of you when you are sick. Your friends and parents will. Stay in touch.
5. Pay off your credit cards every month.
6. You don't have to win every argument. Agree to disagree.
7. Cry with someone. It's more healing than crying alone.
8. It's OK to get angry with God. He can take it.
9. Save for retirement starting with your first paycheck.
10. When it comes to chocolate, resistance is futile.
11. Make peace with your past so it won't screw up the present.
12. It's OK to let your children see you cry.
13. Don't compare your life to others. You have no idea what their journey is all about.
14. If a relationship has to be a secret, you shouldn't be in it.
15. Everything can change in the blink of an eye. But don't worry; God never blinks.
16.. Take a deep breath. It calms the mind.
17. Get rid of anything that isn't useful, beautiful or joyful.
18. Whatever doesn't kill you really does make you stronger.
19. It's never too late to have a happy childhood. But the second one is up to you and no one else.
20. When it comes to going after what you love in life, don't take no for an answer.
21. Burn the candles, use the nice sheets, wear the fancy lingerie. Don't save it for a special occasion. Today is special.
22. Over prepare, then go with the flow.
23. Be eccentric now. Don't wait for old age to wear purple.
24. The most important sex organ is the brain.
25. No one is in charge of your happiness but you.
26. Frame every so-called disaster with these words 'In five years, will this matter?'
27. Always choose life.
28. Forgive everyone everything.
29. What other people think of you is none of your business.
30. Time heals almost everything. Give time time.
31. However good or bad a situation is, it will change.
32. Don't take yourself so seriously. No one else does.
33. Believe in miracles.
34. God loves you because of who God is, not because of anything you did or didn't do.
35. Don't audit life. Show up and make the most of it now.
36. Growing old beats the alternative -- dying young.
37. Your children get only one childhood.
38. All that truly matters in the end is that you loved.
39. Get outside every day. Miracles are waiting everywhere.
40. If we all threw our problems in a pile and saw everyone else's, we'd grab ours back.
41. Envy is a waste of time. You already have all you need.
42. The best is yet to come...
43. No matter how you feel, get up, dress up and show up.
44. Yield.
45. Life isn't tied with a bow, but it's still a gift."

Elijah said, "Daddy look the first star. You know you are supposed to make a wish on the first star that comes out at night. If you wish hard enough it will come true. wanna know what I wished?"
Daddy : "what did you wish Buddy?"
"I wished Madison would get better and make good choices so we could be a whole family again."
thats all....

Two weekends in a row we went apple picking. The first weekend we took Madison along with us, we went to Happy Apple in Norwalk but the apples there were not so happy. They had black spots or were rotting on the stem. It was raining and chilly but we had fun. The orchard was empty except for a random little family who didnt stay long. After picking apples we went to CiCi's pizza for lunch. It was a good day.

Then this weekend we went up to Center Grove where we go every year. The apples were wonderful the cider donuts were to die for! We had so much fun and it rained on us the entire time! Again we had the orchard to ourselves, I think every year from now on I am going to wait for a rainy Saturday to go apple picking, it was way more fun than any other times I have gone!