I don't know how to do this. I don't know how to stop being her mom. I have been Madison's mom for over 16 years. If one more person tells me that I am not "really" her mom I think I may scream! Tell my heart that. Tell GOD that he chose the wrong woman to be her mom. God doesn't choose wrong does HE? He doesn't make mistakes. I don't understand why He chose me. Clearly I am not any good at it, but He must have seen something I don't see.
I know most people do not understand this. But I am being very serious when I say that I love all of my children the same. I may have to express it in different ways to meet each one of them in their own way but I do love them all. I can honestly say I do not love Isaiah any more than I love Madison or the others. I truly feel like I am going crazy.
I don't know how to mourn the loss of a daughter who is still alive. I don't know how to stop worrying, stop loving, stop trying to find ways to help make her life all it was meant to be. I don't know how to do this!!!!!! All I want to do is run and pack her stuff and bring her home and MAKE IT ALL BETTER. Why can't I make it better?? Why is that I can be of such help to other peoples children and fail so miserably at my own???
I have never been a person who was good at playing mind games, I don't hold grudges and I don't play with other peoples emotions. I don't understand people who do. I don't understand how I became surrounded by people who do.
I don't understand how I am supposed to turn and walk away as if she was never my daughter. How do I pretend the last 16+years never happened?
Please just tell me how am I supposed to do this??
It's like I now live 2 completely different lives. Life #1 I am happy, love all people and do my best to be all God asks me to be, through church activities and Dropz of Hope and Foster Care.... Life #2 I have panic attacks, can't breathe and cry all the time. When I am home and the world can not see I turn into this mess of emotions that I have no control over. Most people have no idea that it is a daily struggle to accomplish anything. In the morning I force myself out of bed to face the day. Its so hard to look at yourself in the mirror when you know you have failed your child. It is a struggle to smile and chat nicely with people, not because I don't like them or because I don't WANT to be nice but it is nearly impossible to smile laugh and enjoy life when inside your heart is shattered into pieces. At night I struggle to fall asleep because it is then in the dark hours of the night that all the failures flood my mind in pictures and sound. I sleep in fits of tossing turning and nightmares that when I wake are confirmed to be true and not imagined. I don't want to live 2 lives. I want me back. I never was this way. I could always say to anyone who asked if you pop over to my house at any time of the day or night you will find I am the same person there that I am everywhere. And now a shamefully hide this side of me because this side of me mourns deeply the losses and failures I have caused in my daughter.
Is there not one person in this crazy world who understands my heart?
To say Madison was never my daughter is to say Amaris is not either. The day I willingly walk away from ANY of my children will be the day I draw my last breath on this earth.