this week has been very stressful for me and I feel my heart growing ever anxious as every day creeps by...where do I turn when my heart becomes cluttered with such things?
God, Your Word says an anxious heart weighs a person down, and this is how I think they must feel—as if they're carrying heavy loads, more than they can bear. When they feel upset and beside themselves, calm them down and comfort them with the assurance of Your love. Help them not be overwhelmed by anxious thoughts. (Proverbs 12:25a; Psalm 94:19)
Our hearts are not supposed to be troubled; but that's their struggle—help them trust You and the Lord Jesus, as I know they must. Help them understand that You are the One who makes a way when things seem impossible; nothing is too hard for You! (John 14:27; Isaiah 43:19; Jeremiah 32:17; Luke 1:37)
Help them be faithful to You and to the way You want them to live, for You guard the lives of those who are faithful; You protect them and never turn away from them. Help them know You as their fortress, as the rock in whom they take refuge, as One who is good, whose love endures forever, whose faithfulness continues through all generations. (Psalm 97:10; Proverbs 2:8; Psalm 37:28; 94:22; 100:5)
In Jesus' name, amen.
I feel a bit better now....
Friday, September 30, 2011
Sunday, September 25, 2011
Zephan aka Burrito
It is funny the perspective parents have of their children....I see my burrito as the frail and failing to thrive baby who came to live with us at 5 months old. Poor prognosis and severely delayed in all areas. He was such a sad sick little boy. I see the leaps and bounds of progress he made almost immediately. I remember hearing professionals say they could not believe he was the same baby. My Burrito has leapt over many obstacles and grown a million times more than predicted in every area.
He is so smart he surprises me every day with his brilliance!
He is intense. Particular. Fierce. Has little quirks that most people do not understand. He loves Queen and hard core crazy music, it instantly calms his raging soul when he is tantrumiong and spiraling out of control....put on queen "fat bottom girls" or "we will rock you" and the boy instantly clams down. Its the craziest thing I have ever seen.
He pulls his hair out and eats odd things. He has a crazy fascination with numbers and counting things.
He screams and can not stand being in crowded places or brightly lit places. He calms himself by screaming or pulling his hair out.
He is FUNNY. Sweet and loving!
He was recently diagnosed on the Autism Spectrum. And the funny thing is, I was surprised and relieved at the same time. Surprised because I do not see his deficits I see the amazing progress he has made from the failing to thrive sick baby he was to the vibrant rambunctious little boy he is today. Relieved because there is a reason he is the way he is and there are things we can do to help him as he grows.
He is so smart he surprises me every day with his brilliance!
He is intense. Particular. Fierce. Has little quirks that most people do not understand. He loves Queen and hard core crazy music, it instantly calms his raging soul when he is tantrumiong and spiraling out of control....put on queen "fat bottom girls" or "we will rock you" and the boy instantly clams down. Its the craziest thing I have ever seen.
He pulls his hair out and eats odd things. He has a crazy fascination with numbers and counting things.
He screams and can not stand being in crowded places or brightly lit places. He calms himself by screaming or pulling his hair out.
He is FUNNY. Sweet and loving!
He was recently diagnosed on the Autism Spectrum. And the funny thing is, I was surprised and relieved at the same time. Surprised because I do not see his deficits I see the amazing progress he has made from the failing to thrive sick baby he was to the vibrant rambunctious little boy he is today. Relieved because there is a reason he is the way he is and there are things we can do to help him as he grows.
Samuel
Sam-I-Am turned 9 on August 29!
crazy! Sam loves dinosaurs skateboards and being outdoors. He is intense! Everything Sam does is done with power behind it...unless of course he is in trouble, then he is pitifully slow and quiet.
Sam is silly creative impulsive curious and ALL BOY!!
Sam loves to play baseball. This past spring/summer was his first season ever. He was a bit like Hammy from Over the Hedge out on the field but he had a great time and was quick to learn the different positions he played.
He has so much crazy energy all the time we have to keep him moving!
Sam has the BEST laugh EVER! I love to listen to him giggle!! Makes my heart smile!
crazy! Sam loves dinosaurs skateboards and being outdoors. He is intense! Everything Sam does is done with power behind it...unless of course he is in trouble, then he is pitifully slow and quiet.
Sam is silly creative impulsive curious and ALL BOY!!
Sam loves to play baseball. This past spring/summer was his first season ever. He was a bit like Hammy from Over the Hedge out on the field but he had a great time and was quick to learn the different positions he played.
He has so much crazy energy all the time we have to keep him moving!
Sam has the BEST laugh EVER! I love to listen to him giggle!! Makes my heart smile!
Amaris
Amaris turned 11!!!!! WOW! seems like just yesterday she was delivered scared and pale on my doorstep...Amaris may be the only girl currently in the house besides myself but she is definitely not affected by the extra doses of testosterone floating about! She couldn't get any more frilly sparkly or girly!
She spends all of her free time crafting, painting nails, learning new hair styles, and her latest quest....find sewing classes. She wants to learn to knit and sew clothing and quilts.
This is her honor star year at church!! I can not even believe that in a few short months I will be crowning her!
She spends all of her free time crafting, painting nails, learning new hair styles, and her latest quest....find sewing classes. She wants to learn to knit and sew clothing and quilts.
This is her honor star year at church!! I can not even believe that in a few short months I will be crowning her!
Elijah
or shall I say little mr. baseball??
Elijah LOVES baseball. He played on a tournament team for the first time this past spring/summer and LOVED it! He then went straight into his first season ever of fall ball and has fallen in love all over again. Honestly I believe this kid could play baseball every day of the year all year long and never get tired of playing. I have enjoyed watching him grow as an athlete and a sportsman. He always has a great attitude on the field no matter the score. He has grown so much this past few months. Batting has improved tremendously and he has been open to playing whatever position coach sends him to.
He is still playing trumpet, we have put piano on hold until after baseball. Elijah is a natural musician. Ever since he was a tiny baby he has had a beat playing inside of him.
We just received progress reports from school, he has all A's except Social Studies where he has a B+ I am so proud of how well he has adjusted to the new school.
I have noticed he is more emotional lately and gets tired very easily. But he gets up at 6 every morning and has very full busy days!
Elijah is an amazingly good helper with Baby J. He is the first person Lij wants to see in the morning and the first person he wants to see after school.
Elijah LOVES baseball. He played on a tournament team for the first time this past spring/summer and LOVED it! He then went straight into his first season ever of fall ball and has fallen in love all over again. Honestly I believe this kid could play baseball every day of the year all year long and never get tired of playing. I have enjoyed watching him grow as an athlete and a sportsman. He always has a great attitude on the field no matter the score. He has grown so much this past few months. Batting has improved tremendously and he has been open to playing whatever position coach sends him to.
He is still playing trumpet, we have put piano on hold until after baseball. Elijah is a natural musician. Ever since he was a tiny baby he has had a beat playing inside of him.
We just received progress reports from school, he has all A's except Social Studies where he has a B+ I am so proud of how well he has adjusted to the new school.
I have noticed he is more emotional lately and gets tired very easily. But he gets up at 6 every morning and has very full busy days!
Elijah is an amazingly good helper with Baby J. He is the first person Lij wants to see in the morning and the first person he wants to see after school.
Isaiah
Isaiah
funny. he was the baby I was ABSOLUTELY convinced he hated me the first 3 weeks of his life. He had this look in his eyes that was so distant. so far away.
Isaiah is 15....FIFTEEN!!! I can hardly believe he is 15 already. So many milestones. So many blessings, miracles, such a long journey he has traveled already.
6 years ago this past August Isaiah had his first surgery. 6 years ago he began his journey to walking again. 6 years ago he proved to me he was one of my heroes and the most courageous kid I know.
He has been in public school, homeschooled and private school. He has lost good friends. He has had to learne how to enjoy life different than his peers. He is a shy person by nature and change is hard for him. I am so proud of him and his courage to walk through change, especially difficult change.
We are preparing to head up to Minnesota for check ups next week. I always get nervous and reflective when we prepare to go north. Nervous because I never know TRULY how he is feeling. I mean really. I did not know until 6 months AFTER his first surgery that he could never recall NOT having pain and tingling in his arms legs and back. I pray as he gets older he learns to listen to the changes in his body and is more able to communicate to his team of doctors when things change. Otherwise they rely on our observations.
Isaiah is studying for his drivers permit test. I am excited and a little nervous. Excited because he will gain a little more independence, nervous because the range of motion in his neck is limited. I am sure he will accommodate himself with out hesitation as usual.
So far school is going well. He really misses David and Chrystal a lot. They were unusually in tune to who he is and loved him so much. I am very proud of him and his effort to adjust to the changes at school. Academically he is doing great, but then again he has always been a good student.
It has been a season of growth and change. His voice is changing ;0) he has grown inches past what the doctors always predicted would be his tallest. he is always willing to help with the kids and do any chores I need help with. It brings great joy to my heart to watch him play with his siblings.
I will update on the appointments during our trip.
I will update on our trip as we go along.
funny. he was the baby I was ABSOLUTELY convinced he hated me the first 3 weeks of his life. He had this look in his eyes that was so distant. so far away.
Isaiah is 15....FIFTEEN!!! I can hardly believe he is 15 already. So many milestones. So many blessings, miracles, such a long journey he has traveled already.
6 years ago this past August Isaiah had his first surgery. 6 years ago he began his journey to walking again. 6 years ago he proved to me he was one of my heroes and the most courageous kid I know.
He has been in public school, homeschooled and private school. He has lost good friends. He has had to learne how to enjoy life different than his peers. He is a shy person by nature and change is hard for him. I am so proud of him and his courage to walk through change, especially difficult change.
We are preparing to head up to Minnesota for check ups next week. I always get nervous and reflective when we prepare to go north. Nervous because I never know TRULY how he is feeling. I mean really. I did not know until 6 months AFTER his first surgery that he could never recall NOT having pain and tingling in his arms legs and back. I pray as he gets older he learns to listen to the changes in his body and is more able to communicate to his team of doctors when things change. Otherwise they rely on our observations.
Isaiah is studying for his drivers permit test. I am excited and a little nervous. Excited because he will gain a little more independence, nervous because the range of motion in his neck is limited. I am sure he will accommodate himself with out hesitation as usual.
So far school is going well. He really misses David and Chrystal a lot. They were unusually in tune to who he is and loved him so much. I am very proud of him and his effort to adjust to the changes at school. Academically he is doing great, but then again he has always been a good student.
It has been a season of growth and change. His voice is changing ;0) he has grown inches past what the doctors always predicted would be his tallest. he is always willing to help with the kids and do any chores I need help with. It brings great joy to my heart to watch him play with his siblings.
I will update on the appointments during our trip.
I will update on our trip as we go along.
Madison
This is a hard one to write.
I promised to be honest. So honest I will. No matter what.
my favorite memories of Madison are of watching her spinning endlessly in her 'spinny dresses' how she loved to twirl and spin. Her sweet freckled face would glow in pure delight with every twirl. I had dreams for her different than the dreams I dreamed for Dominique. these dreams were more of a sentimental type. Doing her hair for her first school dance, taking her shopping for prom dresses, meeting her first boyfriend, mother daughter trips. Sharing secrets only a mother and daughter can share.
I realize I did not give birth to Madison. That does not change the fact that at the age of 2 she twirled her way into my heart and God made her mine. I love her the same as I do the boys I gave birth too and the children I have adopted. A mothers love is unconditional and knows no boundary.
That is why this journey through trauma and mental illness with her has been so very hard. That is why the accusations and bitterness has hurt me so deeply. All I ever wanted for her was health wholeness and happiness. I have realized over these last few months that I can not heal Madison. I can not make her want to be healthy. I can only love her and pray for her.
If I could turn back time I would. I would fight harder for her protection. I would push more for services and intervention. I beg for everyone who loves HER to put all bad feelings aside and unite as a team around her to help her get healthy. Truth is though, I can not turn back time. I can not beg others to work with me to save my daughter. So. I have to learn to let go. I have to trust that I have done all I can do. I have to love her no matter what. No matter how long she is away. No matter how ugly life gets. No matter the choices she makes. Love her. Because she is my daughter.
I know there will be people who will read this who will categorically disagree with me. They will argue that she is not my daughter, they will say I don't love her like the rest of the children. But honestly how can another rate the love in my heart? Unless you have walked in my shoes, sat in the cold sterile chairs and hallways of the most awful mental health facilities. until you have been forced to commit your daughter in order to save her life. Please do not judge the amount of love stored in my heart with her name on it. I sat up many nights on her floor praying sitting vigil making sure she did not take her life while the rest of us were sleeping. I cleaned and bandaged her woulds after she cut herself to relieve the pain in her soul. I searched the darkest places in the city to find her when she was missing. I held her. rocked her. whispered in her ear when she was hurt.
Madison has been....I have been looking for a word.....drifting....yes, drifting from place to place, stranger to stranger since March. We rarely hear from her. Most days we spend praying she is safe and not in trouble. Fact is we can no longer help her. Madison has made it very clear she wants us to allow her to make decisions and mistakes on her own. I pray the day will quickly arrive that she wakes up and is tired. Tired of living like this. Tired of not knowing where she will live and how she will eat. I pray she will wake up and see that we love her. Maybe one day soon she will know she needs help reach out and take the hands that have been extended to her. to finish her GED to make healthy choices and begin her journey to healing.
I promised to be honest. So honest I will. No matter what.
my favorite memories of Madison are of watching her spinning endlessly in her 'spinny dresses' how she loved to twirl and spin. Her sweet freckled face would glow in pure delight with every twirl. I had dreams for her different than the dreams I dreamed for Dominique. these dreams were more of a sentimental type. Doing her hair for her first school dance, taking her shopping for prom dresses, meeting her first boyfriend, mother daughter trips. Sharing secrets only a mother and daughter can share.
I realize I did not give birth to Madison. That does not change the fact that at the age of 2 she twirled her way into my heart and God made her mine. I love her the same as I do the boys I gave birth too and the children I have adopted. A mothers love is unconditional and knows no boundary.
That is why this journey through trauma and mental illness with her has been so very hard. That is why the accusations and bitterness has hurt me so deeply. All I ever wanted for her was health wholeness and happiness. I have realized over these last few months that I can not heal Madison. I can not make her want to be healthy. I can only love her and pray for her.
If I could turn back time I would. I would fight harder for her protection. I would push more for services and intervention. I beg for everyone who loves HER to put all bad feelings aside and unite as a team around her to help her get healthy. Truth is though, I can not turn back time. I can not beg others to work with me to save my daughter. So. I have to learn to let go. I have to trust that I have done all I can do. I have to love her no matter what. No matter how long she is away. No matter how ugly life gets. No matter the choices she makes. Love her. Because she is my daughter.
I know there will be people who will read this who will categorically disagree with me. They will argue that she is not my daughter, they will say I don't love her like the rest of the children. But honestly how can another rate the love in my heart? Unless you have walked in my shoes, sat in the cold sterile chairs and hallways of the most awful mental health facilities. until you have been forced to commit your daughter in order to save her life. Please do not judge the amount of love stored in my heart with her name on it. I sat up many nights on her floor praying sitting vigil making sure she did not take her life while the rest of us were sleeping. I cleaned and bandaged her woulds after she cut herself to relieve the pain in her soul. I searched the darkest places in the city to find her when she was missing. I held her. rocked her. whispered in her ear when she was hurt.
Madison has been....I have been looking for a word.....drifting....yes, drifting from place to place, stranger to stranger since March. We rarely hear from her. Most days we spend praying she is safe and not in trouble. Fact is we can no longer help her. Madison has made it very clear she wants us to allow her to make decisions and mistakes on her own. I pray the day will quickly arrive that she wakes up and is tired. Tired of living like this. Tired of not knowing where she will live and how she will eat. I pray she will wake up and see that we love her. Maybe one day soon she will know she needs help reach out and take the hands that have been extended to her. to finish her GED to make healthy choices and begin her journey to healing.
Dominique
Its funny. I remember looking into that sweet little face and rubbing my cheek through his soft fluffy curls. I remember rocking him and whispering my dreams for his life into his little ear. Oh the dreams I had for him. When he was an infant my dreams were grand. The things he would accomplish in his lifetime. Those dreams seemed so far away when I was dreaming in the rocker.
As he grew through the years of his childhood my dreams for him also grew right along with him. I saw the world unfolding before his eyes. With each year in age more special gifts and talents emerged and my dreams for him soared. He would change the world. He would teach art to children. Or create a youth center. Or become a youth pastor. Or be a graphic designer. My heart swelled with the possibilities.
Now he is all grown up. He has achieved great success and, like all of us, he has made some mistakes. He is an amazing young man and I know that even though his dreams have not turned out to be completely the same as mine were for him. I am proud of the man he is growing into.
He is a man of his word, such an important trait to possess!
He is one of the most compassionate people I have ever known, he would go anywhere and do anything to help anyone in need.
He is amazing with children.
Talented in art and music. Creative. Courageous.
He is not afraid to chase his dreams.
As he grew through the years of his childhood my dreams for him also grew right along with him. I saw the world unfolding before his eyes. With each year in age more special gifts and talents emerged and my dreams for him soared. He would change the world. He would teach art to children. Or create a youth center. Or become a youth pastor. Or be a graphic designer. My heart swelled with the possibilities.
Now he is all grown up. He has achieved great success and, like all of us, he has made some mistakes. He is an amazing young man and I know that even though his dreams have not turned out to be completely the same as mine were for him. I am proud of the man he is growing into.
He is a man of his word, such an important trait to possess!
He is one of the most compassionate people I have ever known, he would go anywhere and do anything to help anyone in need.
He is amazing with children.
Talented in art and music. Creative. Courageous.
He is not afraid to chase his dreams.
I am back to stay
whooooosh
aaaahhhhh
that was me taking a deep breath before I dive back in here.
I have MISSED my blog. I have missed my place.
During this long secluded hiatus I have done much soul searching and reading of other blogs and working on me. me as a mom me as an advocate to my special children me as a champion for hurting children me in general. what I have come up with is huge and small all at the same time.
I realized I do not care who reads this. I do not care if anyone agrees with my perspective of my experience in this crazy thing called life. Because guess what?? This is MY EXPERIENCE. I record my thoughts, feelings emotions. If you do not like what you read here. Stop reading. If you don't agree, that is your right to not agree. It is however NOT your right to post rude inconsiderate comments on my blog. Keep the negative nasty comments to yourself.
This is my journey and you are all welcome to come along. I make no promises of humor and beauty. But I do promise to be real, transparent and honest.
aaaahhhhh
that was me taking a deep breath before I dive back in here.
I have MISSED my blog. I have missed my place.
During this long secluded hiatus I have done much soul searching and reading of other blogs and working on me. me as a mom me as an advocate to my special children me as a champion for hurting children me in general. what I have come up with is huge and small all at the same time.
I realized I do not care who reads this. I do not care if anyone agrees with my perspective of my experience in this crazy thing called life. Because guess what?? This is MY EXPERIENCE. I record my thoughts, feelings emotions. If you do not like what you read here. Stop reading. If you don't agree, that is your right to not agree. It is however NOT your right to post rude inconsiderate comments on my blog. Keep the negative nasty comments to yourself.
This is my journey and you are all welcome to come along. I make no promises of humor and beauty. But I do promise to be real, transparent and honest.
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