A letter to my boys.

Dear Son(s),
To my first born...It is hard to believe you have been with me for 23 years and 7 months. I want you to know some things. It is important for you to hear what has been written on my heart for you.
Even before you were born you had a special purpose. You brought light and hope into one of the darkest times of not only my life but your grandfathers as well. You were born with a certain peace about you, one that lives inside of you even today.
To My Isaiah. You were also born with a special purpose. You see you were the first connections that melted our 2 families into 1. Before you were born we were still 2 families living in one home when you were born you were a part of each of us. When you came into this world God used you to make us into a whole family. God has amazing plans for your life. You are a walking testimony of Gods faithfulness and love for all of us. Living proof that sometimes God's answer to prayer is Yes. You have far exceeded all expectations of the medical world. I am excited to see what He has planned for the future.
To my Elijah. Just thinking of your beginning brings tears to my eyes. hundreds of people all over the world prayed for your healing while you were still in the womb. We were prepared to love you in what ever condition you arrived, the outlook was not good. God had other plans and completed your healing before you were born. He has given you gifts and talents. use them to bring honor to Him.
To my Samuel. What a journey we have had. You amaze me with your talent and courage. God will bring great things to you if you remember to always follow Him.
To my Zephan. The obstacles you have hurdled and overcome in the short 6 years you have spent here on earth are nothing short of miraculous. You bring frustration and the greatest joy to my life. You have taught me much about love and patience. You are a beautiful child. Remember to always follow Jesus and He will direct your steps.
To my Thomas. Rescued for a purpose. When I look back over the journey we have shared. All I see is the amazing loving hand of God that has held you close every step of the way. He saved your life. He has plans for you that will blow away any plan I could dream up for you!
To my Jonah. I don't care what the doctors have said, you are brilliant, you are favored and you are loved. I refuse to place limitations on your life and future. I believe great blessings will come from you and to you in this life.
To my Jingles. I have known you 4 days. You already took up residence in my heart. I know these next few months will be tough. They will feel impossible and dark at times. I want you to know, I will pray over you every moment along the way. There are so many wonderful people praying for you and others fighting for you. I believe God will carry us through this first season together and in the end you will forever be with us, with your brothers.
My prayer for your lives has been and will always be that you will be world changers, peace makers.
Be proud of yourself, even if you’re different, because you were created with a unique purpose that requires you to be like no other. Be confident, be encouraging to others, be a part of  the journey another takes to find their purpose too. Be okay with failure, because it is through failure that you will learn some of life’s greatest lessons. Be kind and compassionate. Forgive. Always. Because holding onto grudges, hurt and pain breeds the same and You my Son were created for much more than these. Nothing good can be gained from being the opposite of these. Be faithful, as a friend and human being. Find a way to believe in something bigger than yourself, because the world is not about you, and just when you begin to think it is, the world will teach you a lesson. Be courageous. You my Son will need courage to walk through this life. I wish for you to not only walk through life but that you will do it with such courage that others will look to you to find their strength. Life is not easy and requires hard and sometimes scary work, I promise it will be worth it. Be thankful, because thankfulness creates joy and with joy comes contentment, life is intended to be enjoyed. Be an honest and loyal friend, who speaks the truth with love and stands firmly through the best and worst of times.

reality check

As I trudged through my week. Trying to muster enough emotional energy to put one foot in front of the other and not run and hide. Feeling a bit swallowed up by circumstances out of my control. Feeling somewhat of a failure as a mom. Feeling the blues and not really wanting to deal with anyone. My bed filled with cozy blankets and mindless made for TV movies a cup of coffee and nothing else seemed more and more appealing to me. It is always times such as these that God sends me an attitude adjustment, a reality check.
I sat in the living room of a gentleman whom I have known for a little more than a year. I visit his home once a week. This week, we were discussing his daughter and her struggle with depression and behavior. We were exploring creative ways to get her engaged and keep her safe. I mentioned that sometimes a person in this situation needs the safety of a hospital to find stability. It is not a long term answer but often helps. He expressed his concerns of her learning new behaviors. This is a valid concern but we must balance and decide what is best. I shared my journey with my mentally ill daughter with him. He quietly listened, taking in the story that has been my life. I did not share to discourage or scare him I shared so he would know he is not the only parent struggling with these issues. I shared about her cutting period and how she had been hospitalized and we over reacted by hiding any sharp object locking everything away. I told him that what I learned was: no matter how safe I make my home no matter how hard I try as a mom to keep my children safe if they are that hurt, that scared, that afraid they will find a way. they will be creative and use just about anything they can in order to carry out the act in which they find peace. whether it be cutting, drugs, drinking etc. We as parents have to give our children safety when they need it but also tools to keep themselves safe.
He sat for a long time. Not speaking but I could tell by the change in his eyes that he was thinking on what I had shared. In a slow quiet but steady voice he said. I understand now. Its just like me. 15 years ago I had a plan to end my life. I had a hard time dealing with my disability, I did not feel like a good provider. I had my gun loaded and ready. For some reason I told someone and they found help for me. What no one has ever known is that every day for the past 15 years I have had a plan. I have well thought out plans and back up plans. It is a daily struggle, a daily choice. Every morning I wake up and face my in ability to take care of my family the way in which I desire to. Every day I wake up feeling more of a burden than a blessing. But a year ago when you started coming here to see us I began to feel hope. Hope that I may not be able to provide physically for my family but I am ale to provide in other ways. The difference now is that I still have a plan. But now I have hope and now I have strength to chose NOT to carry out that plan. I pray, I pray hard every day that I will find strength to fight that demon away from my mind. And it is always the toughest days when I am feeling weak that you show up and you fill my ears with encouragement and you bring hope because I know you understand. and because I know you care. and that is all I needed. so Thank you.
I sat there speechless. After many minutes passed I wiped the tears that had found their way down my cheeks took a deep breath and all I could say was. Thank you for sharing your story. You are important. You have a purpose. And I am honored to know you.
as I drove away that day I was grateful for the 45 minutes of solitude in the van. I had much to ponder.
I am blessed and all these things that have weighed me down are nothing compared to this burden this man has carried for 15 years.
I share this story today NOT to receive praise. I do not need nor do I want praise. What I want is for people to realize what our presence in the lives around us means. We do not know the hidden burdens carried by others. We do not know the pain in their hearts. We need to be careful of the words we choose the actions we use. They are important. They have great power. power to heal and power to destroy. I want my actions attitudes and words to always bring healing.

an adoption journey

Who knew silver threads of sorrow and golden threads of joy could be sewn lovingly into the same quilt....surely not I.
Bare with me as I pour out my raw feelings and emotions. Please try and remember this is Angela's journey, Angela's heart, Angela's experience. I welcome those who read and keep up with my life as I see it feel it and breathe it daily. But please do not be rude judgmental or mean. that is unnecessary and mean.
My journey with a daughter living with mental illness is not a new topic here. So I will not rehash al those details.
It was October 16, 2012. My birthday. My daughter had been missing again for quite some time. Had no contact with me at all spontaneous contact with her dad 20 months leading up to this text message. Knowing the situations she historically found herself in up to this time made the news she typed feel dark scary and sad. 'I'm pregnant' those are 2 words I had prayed against many times. So many thoughts and emotions swarmed at me all at one time. It was as if something had knocked the wind out of me only I am stull trying to remember how to breathe. even nearly 14 months later I am still reeling from the events that unfolded behind this announcement. I cried many tears, became angry, tried to make deals with My Father in heaven. There were many moments I was sure he was not listening. One skill I have that comes in handy during times such as these is that from the outside it is most difficult for others to see the struggle, battle and pain I carry. I like to keep it this way. I am not good at sharing my pain with others. Its just the way I am.
There was nothing we could do but pray and wait. Pray for the safety of this unborn child. Pray for the safety of our daughter. That payer has been uttered, whispered, screamed and cried millions of times over the past few years. There were moments through out the journey that I felt sorry for myself. This is not how becoming a grandparent for the first time was supposed to be. I felt jipped. ripped off. angry.
I wanted to have the privilege of shouting it out for all the world to hear. I suddenly became painfully aware of others becoming grandparents for the first time. I was jealous. I was angry. I hurt so deeply. and I was terrified.
February my daughter moved back home. we had a contract as we have in the past. She signed and agreed and with in 7 days broke the contract and took off again. Fear mounted upon fear and grew until it nearly consumed my thoughts and stole my sleep. She then became ill and ended up in the hospital in March and returned home for the remainder of the pregnancy. I had no idea what to expect. My mind ran in circles around itself leaving me dizzy with emotions I never thought were possible.
One day mid march her therapist informed s she had made a plan for adoption and had chosen the adoptive parents. Part of me was relieved and part of me experienced a new kind of grief I have no words to describe. I was filled with pride for my daughter who had just made the single most difficult and the bravest decision of her life thus far. I have never before and never since seen her more clear and dedicated to a decision. I respect. honor. love that girl. She knew she could not parent and made the most self LESS decision she ever could. In the process blessing a family with a miracle of a gift.
I continued to pray and take care of my daughter. I prayed that God would reverse all effects of any substances she had used prior to returning home. This was an extremely stressful period. But we had a focus and she had a plan. We had something to work towards which gave me strength.
I love the adoptive parents dearly. I know them well and have been very close to them for many years. What I didn't ever expect was the pain awkwardness and strain that would weave through every moment as things began to progress. I wont write the birth story, it is not mine to share. I will say that hospital personnel need to be better educated in dealing with not only adoption births but also mental illness. I am afraid I will always have to be an advocate for my daughter. Fighting for her.
I will say, the moment I saw that beautiful baby enter this world my heart melted and I felt a love so different than any other I have experienced. In that moment I knew this would be the toughest journey I have traveled with my daughter thus far. In that same moment I knew this adoption was the RIGHT decision for her to make and I would always support her. My prayers shifted a little I will always pray protective prayers over my grand-daughter. But I found myself praying that she would always know how deep the love for her will always be. How we loved her SO MUCH that we knew this decision her birthmom made was the absolute best decision but also was the one that God chose for her life. this one simple revelation brought peace as deep as a river to my heart.
There were moments through out the hospital experience that I longed to hide with that sweet baby in a room and rock her whispering all my hopes and dreams for her life into her ear, praying prayers of hope over her, and showering her face with sweet kisses that would have to last a lifetime. Because the moment she was born I felt a shift happen. My universe tilted ever so slightly to the left. so slightly that I am sure I am the only one in that room who felt it.
I will forever be debt to the kind nurse who chose to stay that day and the social worker who came in on her day off to be there to support my daughter through her goodbye. Scott was unable to be there. Not because he had other places to be but because his heart could not handle a goodbye. So I went that morning and stayed with her until the time came. I wont write about the ugly things that happened because of negligence on the attorneys part. I am not bitter. I am sad at the pain she caused my daughter, my family and the adoptive family.
I charged my camera and photographed my daughter saying goodbye to her daughter. there was more genuine perfect love in that room with just the 3 of us and the social worker than I can ever remember being anywhere. I fought hard to hold my emotions in check. My mind went over and over the previous 3 days and I knew that these precious minutes would be the most important most defining moments of all. I felt the pressure of knowing the adoptive family was down the hall and around the corner excited to receive their blessing. As my heart broke into an infinite number of pieces as I watched my daughter tenderly say her goodbyes. When she was ready I gently took the baby swaddled her tightly kissed her softly and placed her in the rolling bassinet. I am sure I did not breath at all as I made my way out the door. the door closed softly and just as I heard the click of the knob engaging I heard the most horrific mourn-filled cry flow out of my daughters room. the mom part of me wanted to turn around and say just kidding you don't have to do this that mom part of me heard my daughters pain and wanted nothing more than to fix it, make it go. But I knew in that same moment that God chose this beautiful grand-daughter of mine to be someone else's daughter. I slid down to the floor and cried for what seemed like an eternity. gathered my senses stood and began the longest walk of my life. I passed by happy excited people carrying balloons and flowers chattering about the new little ones they were celebrating and I remember thinking how unbelievable it was to feel the silver threads of deep sorrow and the golden threads of joy in the same moment in one heart. I began to cry again as I walked, at first just a tear dripped out of the corner of each eye and then I realized I was sobbing my chest was closing in on me and I could not breathe at all. In that moment God sent an angel to me I the form of my daughters nurse. She placed her warm hand on my shoulder and gently guided me a secret way through the back halls. We stopped in a private room where I said my own good byes and that sweet nurse did an amazing thing. Something that normally I would not have welcomed but in that moment on that day was the absolute most perfect thing. She hugged me. She did not speak for a long time. then gently she whispered when ever you are ready, I will walk with you as long as you want. I have never been more grateful for the companionship of a stranger than I was at that moment. I collected myself, and we began our journey down the back halls to the room filled with my grandbaby's new family. Just as surprised I was at the depth of my emotions during the good bye I was equally surprised at the joy that filled my heart as I watched her new Mommy cradle her and look into her eyes with the love only a mother can express. Standing in that room with intense feelings of sorrow and joy I witnessed the miracle of God's plan coming together. I left the room quickly because my emotions were uncontrollable and unpredictable. I was trying to figure out where to go what to do and how to make myself move from this moment to the next with out dying. I looked up and there waiting for me in the hall was the nurse. I honestly have no idea where we went how long we were gone or how I managed to reappear in my daughters room looking and acting completely normal. I packed my daughters belongings and the social worker walked us out to our van. I drove away from the single most difficult right decision I have ever supported.
Even with all those emotions. I can honestly say I never waivered once on what the right thing to do was. I knew in the deepest corners of my heart all along that this was the journey God chose for my grand-daughter. I just never expected it to hurt so much. Sometimes right is painful. Sometimes right is the absolute most difficult thing you will ever do or support.
more on my journey in a different post yet to be written....

what does adoption mean part 3, 4, 5

I always knew I wanted to foster and adopt one day. Honestly in 1995 when I married Scott I thought I gave those dreams away. He always said he would never do either one, in fact, at the time of our marriage he did not want to have ANY more children. Surprise! we had Isaiah. then later decided to have one more, Elijah. I never gave up my desire to foster and adopt. I never spoke about it to anyone but thought of it often and prayed about it nearly every day. I saw so much pain in the lives of children around me I saw hungry hurting children everywhere and just wanted to be a part of helping them find healing and safety. Then one day Scott came to me out of the blue and said he saw a special on TV and wanted to know more about being a foster family. Things moved quickly and we were in classes then licensed and soon had 2 little ones in our home. In the beginning we were focused on teaching parenting skills and helping the birth family get better so they could be reunited with their children. as time went on it became clear this was not going to happen and we would have the opportunity to adopt them. Adoption became to me a form a rescuing. I felt like I was a part of saving the lives of these sweet children. My job was now to love and protect them every day for the rest of their lives.
In between them and Zephan we were successful in finding healing with families and experience the joy of reunification and through this my faith in the system was restored.
Then along came Zephan his birth story took me on a journey I never expected, but then again I think God keeps choosing these tough journeys for me in order to teach my heart a few lessons. Zephans birth mom loved and still does love him madly completely and truly. So much so that my heart quivers in sorrow for her when I think too long on it. If only love were enough then she would be the perfect parent. Sadly, love does not give all fix all and is not all so.....He eventually became ours forever. my heart remains heavy for her.
Then, along came miss sassy pants.
In the beginning of our time with her my heart screamed to hold her and make things al right again. slowly as time crept by I began to reaize life has never been right for this little girl. It finally occurred to me not long ago that adoption does not always mean going before a judge, signing papers and celebrating. Sometimes. Adoption means loving some one SO much that no matter what you will never leave you will always be there. and love will always fill your heart. Even if she never lets me close enough, even if we never adopt her. Adoption means family and family loves NO MATTER WHAT.