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Sunday, April 24, 2011
Tuesday, April 19, 2011
Dominique
Where has the time gone? Dominique is nearing the end of the 2nd of 3 tours. He has been all over the United States and Canada in the last couple months. The kids and I have a map on the wall in the kitchen, we use a sharpie marker and track all of the cities Dominique is in. It is fun to wait for his text or call nad then let the kids map out where he is on that day.
Is this the life I had envisioned for him to live? probly not. But this is the life he is carving out for himself. And he is HAPPY. My boy lives and breaths music. When he is not surrounded on all sides with music he is not himself. One day I hope he will further his education so he can go many places in the music industry. I can see big things opening up for him. One day he will see it too. Until then, I know he is safe, I know that he is surrounded by a group of amazing people, they are like a family. They take care of each other, watch out for each other and more important than that they are a group of kids who have great character huge hearts and do amazing things for others!
These kids held a benefit concert for a local youth emergency shelter and raised over $1500. These kids volunteer with Dropz of Hope when ever they are not out on the road. They no doubt will continue to do great things!
Even though this would not have been my choice of path for him to travel, I could not be more proud of the man my son has grown to be...
Is this the life I had envisioned for him to live? probly not. But this is the life he is carving out for himself. And he is HAPPY. My boy lives and breaths music. When he is not surrounded on all sides with music he is not himself. One day I hope he will further his education so he can go many places in the music industry. I can see big things opening up for him. One day he will see it too. Until then, I know he is safe, I know that he is surrounded by a group of amazing people, they are like a family. They take care of each other, watch out for each other and more important than that they are a group of kids who have great character huge hearts and do amazing things for others!
These kids held a benefit concert for a local youth emergency shelter and raised over $1500. These kids volunteer with Dropz of Hope when ever they are not out on the road. They no doubt will continue to do great things!
Even though this would not have been my choice of path for him to travel, I could not be more proud of the man my son has grown to be...
Monday, April 18, 2011
Baseball update
Friday nights game was a rain out. So Elijah joined us at FPNO. We had nearly 50 children there Friday night and for the first time since the beginning of FPNO we had to divide the young ones into 3 classes! It worked out beautifully in part because of the split but mostly because I am blessed with amazing volunteers who are flexible and LOVE the children!
Saturday was supposed to bring 3 ball games for Elijah but as the morning progressed we kept getting games pushed back until they finally decided the fields we were supposed to play on were too wet for play. I was unexpectedly able to attend a Bridal Shower for a good friend of mine, Mandi. It was a lovely shower and I am happy I was able to go!
Sunday was the first test run. Elijah had 3 ball games back to back. So, Scott and Lij took off for the ball park as I was leaving with the rest of the children for church. I was super sad to miss the games all day but still believe we are making the right decision for Sundays. The other children need to stay in their Sunday routine and I need to be there for my Sunday School class and to help out in the Filling Station.
Elijah's team lost all 3 games the first was a blow out but the other 2 were close. Scott said Lij played very well. A real confidence booster for him!
Tonight Sam has a game and Lij has practice...and of course we are expecting rain wind and COLD temperatures! We will have to see what happens.
Tomorrow I get to do concession stand duty for Sam's team. (ssshhhh don't tell....I HATE concession stand duty!! I would rather rake the field for the ball park than do concession stand duty!)
Saturday was supposed to bring 3 ball games for Elijah but as the morning progressed we kept getting games pushed back until they finally decided the fields we were supposed to play on were too wet for play. I was unexpectedly able to attend a Bridal Shower for a good friend of mine, Mandi. It was a lovely shower and I am happy I was able to go!
Sunday was the first test run. Elijah had 3 ball games back to back. So, Scott and Lij took off for the ball park as I was leaving with the rest of the children for church. I was super sad to miss the games all day but still believe we are making the right decision for Sundays. The other children need to stay in their Sunday routine and I need to be there for my Sunday School class and to help out in the Filling Station.
Elijah's team lost all 3 games the first was a blow out but the other 2 were close. Scott said Lij played very well. A real confidence booster for him!
Tonight Sam has a game and Lij has practice...and of course we are expecting rain wind and COLD temperatures! We will have to see what happens.
Tomorrow I get to do concession stand duty for Sam's team. (ssshhhh don't tell....I HATE concession stand duty!! I would rather rake the field for the ball park than do concession stand duty!)
Friday, April 15, 2011
Baseball times 2
Baseball season 2011 has officially begun! This year we have 2 boys playing ball. Elijah is trying something new this year, Rams Club Tournament Ball. He LOVES it. We are learning as we go with this level of ball. You have to be seriously committed to baseball to survive this level. We literally have 1 night a week that is NOT baseball related. The tournament weekends also take up Friday night all day Saturday AND all day Sunday which means Mommy goes to church with the kiddos and Scott takes Elijah to the ball park. It is a lot of baseball and honestly I am not sure we would have started this level of ball at this age. Especially since this is the first year Samuel is playing. But, here we are and Lij is loving every minute of it so that makes all the craziness worth it to know we do not have to fight him to practice and play. Last night Sam had his 2nd game and Lij had practice. The mere suggestion of Lij skipping practice to attend Sam's game sent him in to a panic! So divide and conquer was the name of the game. I took Amaris and Burrito to Lij's practice and Scott took Madison with him to Sam's game. We froze our tails off but had lots of fun!
Sadly, because of all my commitments through Dropz of hope and then Elijah's practice schedule I have missed ALL of Sam's baseball so far. And I will miss almost the entire first tournament weekend for Lij. I was super bummed out to miss Sambo's first game and even more bummed out when I heard the recap of his 2nd game! Turns out he LOVES baseball too, who would have ever guessed?? He never struck any of us the baseball playing type of boy. I am excited and pleasantly surprised at his enthusiasm and he is doing very well for a first time player!
Let the season begin, let it be kind to all of us and please let us all still love baseball and each other when its over!
pictures coming soon!
Sadly, because of all my commitments through Dropz of hope and then Elijah's practice schedule I have missed ALL of Sam's baseball so far. And I will miss almost the entire first tournament weekend for Lij. I was super bummed out to miss Sambo's first game and even more bummed out when I heard the recap of his 2nd game! Turns out he LOVES baseball too, who would have ever guessed?? He never struck any of us the baseball playing type of boy. I am excited and pleasantly surprised at his enthusiasm and he is doing very well for a first time player!
Let the season begin, let it be kind to all of us and please let us all still love baseball and each other when its over!
pictures coming soon!
Thursday, April 14, 2011
sometimes transparent really means cloudy with a chance for mud...
Parenting is not always sunshine smiles and laughter.
Sometimes parenting is painful sad and heartachy (yes, I just made that up)
I try to be uplifting and encouraging and a Godly example to anyone who may be experiencing the same parenting woes as I...and there are times (more often lately) that I beat myself up and force myself into silence for fear that I will be looked on as a complainer or worse yet....a weak Christian who can not handle anything cheerfully.
What I have decided at least in this moment of life, is that its ok not to feel cheerful, its ok to complain, its ok to hurt and tell about it.
Sometimes my life feels bright and sunshiny....transparent. As if all the world looks through the window of my world and no matter their circumstance can be warmed by the rays of happiness radiating from my world into theirs.
Other times my world feels a bit cloudy. Almost like the San Fransisco fog is rolling in over my sunshine, I can still feel the sunshine and I still know its there somewhere under the clouds and fog.
Then are the times when my life becomes down right muddy. I can't find my way out of the mud-puddle no matter how hard I try.
And you know what?
I bet there are many other parents out there who have a life just like mine. I bet its fairly normal to have transparent foggy muddy lives and it is even alright that I jot down bits and pieces along the way.
I am not depressed. I am not negative. I am a mom trying to navigate a daughter through the perils of mental illness the only problem I have right now is that she doesn't any navigational assistance. So right now living in the mud-puddle is where I reside. I am praying fro the relief of rain. In the form of anyone or anything positive that will help her navigate her way into a healthy wonderful life....one full of sunshine.
Sometimes parenting is painful sad and heartachy (yes, I just made that up)
I try to be uplifting and encouraging and a Godly example to anyone who may be experiencing the same parenting woes as I...and there are times (more often lately) that I beat myself up and force myself into silence for fear that I will be looked on as a complainer or worse yet....a weak Christian who can not handle anything cheerfully.
What I have decided at least in this moment of life, is that its ok not to feel cheerful, its ok to complain, its ok to hurt and tell about it.
Sometimes my life feels bright and sunshiny....transparent. As if all the world looks through the window of my world and no matter their circumstance can be warmed by the rays of happiness radiating from my world into theirs.
Other times my world feels a bit cloudy. Almost like the San Fransisco fog is rolling in over my sunshine, I can still feel the sunshine and I still know its there somewhere under the clouds and fog.
Then are the times when my life becomes down right muddy. I can't find my way out of the mud-puddle no matter how hard I try.
And you know what?
I bet there are many other parents out there who have a life just like mine. I bet its fairly normal to have transparent foggy muddy lives and it is even alright that I jot down bits and pieces along the way.
I am not depressed. I am not negative. I am a mom trying to navigate a daughter through the perils of mental illness the only problem I have right now is that she doesn't any navigational assistance. So right now living in the mud-puddle is where I reside. I am praying fro the relief of rain. In the form of anyone or anything positive that will help her navigate her way into a healthy wonderful life....one full of sunshine.
Tuesday, April 12, 2011
baby eagle
My Burrito has been fascinated by watching the eagles from Decorah on the computer. He talks about them all the time. He talks about how big and strong the daddy eagle is, how the mommy eagle takes good care of the babies and the babies are "aaaaaaaaa SO CUUUUTE"
He must pay closer attention than I thought. This afternoon in the midst of one of his blow out tantrums he sat by my feet on the floor and said to me "Mama, I am the baby eagle, you are the mommy eagle sit on me cover me up keep me safe and warm!" without thinking, I kind of knelt down and bent over his curled up little body covering him up. We stayed there for a few minutes and I could feel his breathing change. He began to calm down. Then he began to make this little squeakish chirpy sound...so I sat up and he looked in my eyes and said "All better. Thanks to be my mommy eagle!"
I love my Burrito and if pretending to be a mommy eagle protecting her pretend baby eagle helps him calm down then I guess thats the new plan. Because let me tell you, he was happy and calm withing MINUTES when normally it goes on for nearly an hour!
He must pay closer attention than I thought. This afternoon in the midst of one of his blow out tantrums he sat by my feet on the floor and said to me "Mama, I am the baby eagle, you are the mommy eagle sit on me cover me up keep me safe and warm!" without thinking, I kind of knelt down and bent over his curled up little body covering him up. We stayed there for a few minutes and I could feel his breathing change. He began to calm down. Then he began to make this little squeakish chirpy sound...so I sat up and he looked in my eyes and said "All better. Thanks to be my mommy eagle!"
I love my Burrito and if pretending to be a mommy eagle protecting her pretend baby eagle helps him calm down then I guess thats the new plan. Because let me tell you, he was happy and calm withing MINUTES when normally it goes on for nearly an hour!
Monday, April 11, 2011
I do feel better this morning.
Although morning arrived way too quickly. I was awakened by the sound of birds serenading me outside my window and the smell of springtime dancing on the breeze.
I don't know why today is so different than yesterday, it is strange really./ I have done nothing different to make the overwhelming sorrow disappear. Yet, I woke this morning with a fresh and new feeling in my heart. Maybe I just allowed the enormity of our storm to consume me yesterday and the fact that I had a terrible night sleep filled with bad dreams the night before. I am not sure. But today I am thankful for the lighter feeling in my heart and the ability to put the sorrow in its place, in a small corner of my heart rather than taking up my entire being.
Today is going to be a good day!
Love
Although morning arrived way too quickly. I was awakened by the sound of birds serenading me outside my window and the smell of springtime dancing on the breeze.
I don't know why today is so different than yesterday, it is strange really./ I have done nothing different to make the overwhelming sorrow disappear. Yet, I woke this morning with a fresh and new feeling in my heart. Maybe I just allowed the enormity of our storm to consume me yesterday and the fact that I had a terrible night sleep filled with bad dreams the night before. I am not sure. But today I am thankful for the lighter feeling in my heart and the ability to put the sorrow in its place, in a small corner of my heart rather than taking up my entire being.
Today is going to be a good day!
Love
I am sitting here listening to the clock ticking minutes away. Each tick seems a bit louder than the one before. It is in these hours of the night/morning when I can not sleep that the waves of deep sadness become greater than waves and begin to toss me about. An aching that fills every corner of my being swells in fits and rages. Making me feel nauseous and lightheaded.
In my head I know this is crazy, in my heart I feel like I am in mourning. So many thoughts and feelings and emotions swirling. I was hoping that writing tonight might make them quiet and allow me to rest. But the problem is that I can't bring myself to write about the storm. I am tired. and want to rest. from the storm. I had a revelation today....this storm will be here for the rest of my life. Some days are more overwhelming than others. Today happens to be really bad.
I pray I feel better in the morning.
In my head I know this is crazy, in my heart I feel like I am in mourning. So many thoughts and feelings and emotions swirling. I was hoping that writing tonight might make them quiet and allow me to rest. But the problem is that I can't bring myself to write about the storm. I am tired. and want to rest. from the storm. I had a revelation today....this storm will be here for the rest of my life. Some days are more overwhelming than others. Today happens to be really bad.
I pray I feel better in the morning.
Tuesday, April 5, 2011
Isaiah 41:10
10 So do not fear, for I am with you;
do not be dismayed, for I am your God.
I will strengthen you and help you;
I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.(NIV)
A dear friend reminded me of this verse last night as we chatted on facebook. Thank you Mrs. Battles, for reminding me, for loving my family, for caring enough to let me know what is going on. You are an inspiration to me, you are a prayer warrior, you are an amazing example of a Godly mother and I will be ever grateful for all you pour into my life!
Madison has been gone for 8 days now....187 hours and 37 minutes to be exact. I must be honest in saying that I am surprised she stayed as long as she did. I knew deep in my heart that her stay would not be long. I had hopes and prayers that she would at least make it until she acquired her GED. She is so close! I have been driving her down town every day and Scott has been picking her up after work. She was doing so well in the PACE study program. The only tests she has left are social studies, math and science. A little over a month to go and she would be done! So many people have tried breaking through to get her to understand what the choices she is making will do to her future. She will not listen. We get silence in return for all our messages and calls.
We have had reports from local residents that she has been going door to door telling people she was kicked out of her house and that we have told her she may not come back, she has been telling people she needs money to pay for her GED classes. My heart is aching, I want to stand on the front step and yell at the top of my lungs "I LOVE MY DAUGHTER!! All I want is for her to be healthy, safe and successful!" I feel like the only people fighting for her is Sara and me. This battle we have been waging for years is one I am afraid we may never win. As we sit here stuck in the middle of what could have/should have been and what we wish to be and reality. Our hands are tied by the cords of "adulthood" wrapped securely around the wrists of a young lady who aged out before her time. Before we could make a lasting difference. If only we had monetary resources that had no limits we could have her in an amazing program in Texas who specializes in teaching young people with bipolar and other mental health issues to live...LIVE successful healthy lives. If you knew Madison and read about this program you would think it was created with her in mind! A focus on Art therapy ~ she is an amazing artist! Equestrian therapy daily! Madison was born to ride horses! It saddens me that a program so successful is only accessible to the wealthy. The monthly tuition for such a program is way more than we even bring in monthly!
Now she is running with a group of people who make poor choices, have no idea what she deals with inside her head and heart, all in the name of claiming freedom.
So today I am leaning on the verse in Isaiah. I am trying not to fear for her safety I am trying to remind myself that she was the daughter of The King of Kings before she was mine. He loves her more than I could ever imagine and I am trusting in Him. Some days it is so very hard....
do not be dismayed, for I am your God.
I will strengthen you and help you;
I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.(NIV)
A dear friend reminded me of this verse last night as we chatted on facebook. Thank you Mrs. Battles, for reminding me, for loving my family, for caring enough to let me know what is going on. You are an inspiration to me, you are a prayer warrior, you are an amazing example of a Godly mother and I will be ever grateful for all you pour into my life!
Madison has been gone for 8 days now....187 hours and 37 minutes to be exact. I must be honest in saying that I am surprised she stayed as long as she did. I knew deep in my heart that her stay would not be long. I had hopes and prayers that she would at least make it until she acquired her GED. She is so close! I have been driving her down town every day and Scott has been picking her up after work. She was doing so well in the PACE study program. The only tests she has left are social studies, math and science. A little over a month to go and she would be done! So many people have tried breaking through to get her to understand what the choices she is making will do to her future. She will not listen. We get silence in return for all our messages and calls.
We have had reports from local residents that she has been going door to door telling people she was kicked out of her house and that we have told her she may not come back, she has been telling people she needs money to pay for her GED classes. My heart is aching, I want to stand on the front step and yell at the top of my lungs "I LOVE MY DAUGHTER!! All I want is for her to be healthy, safe and successful!" I feel like the only people fighting for her is Sara and me. This battle we have been waging for years is one I am afraid we may never win. As we sit here stuck in the middle of what could have/should have been and what we wish to be and reality. Our hands are tied by the cords of "adulthood" wrapped securely around the wrists of a young lady who aged out before her time. Before we could make a lasting difference. If only we had monetary resources that had no limits we could have her in an amazing program in Texas who specializes in teaching young people with bipolar and other mental health issues to live...LIVE successful healthy lives. If you knew Madison and read about this program you would think it was created with her in mind! A focus on Art therapy ~ she is an amazing artist! Equestrian therapy daily! Madison was born to ride horses! It saddens me that a program so successful is only accessible to the wealthy. The monthly tuition for such a program is way more than we even bring in monthly!
Now she is running with a group of people who make poor choices, have no idea what she deals with inside her head and heart, all in the name of claiming freedom.
So today I am leaning on the verse in Isaiah. I am trying not to fear for her safety I am trying to remind myself that she was the daughter of The King of Kings before she was mine. He loves her more than I could ever imagine and I am trusting in Him. Some days it is so very hard....
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