Thursday, September 30, 2010

I have contemplated back and forth on whether or not I was going to post this....if I did how....I am still not sure. But I believe I must because it is a part of our journey with Madison and if nothing else maybe our experience will guide another mother through the darkness of mental illness. So with that in mind I pray God will again give me the words to say here words that will be truthful and not cause harm to anyone.
In the process of a civil commitment Madison was given a court appointed attorney as were we as the petitioners. Tuesday evening I was contacted by our attorney. We talked about Madison and why she is in this situation. Sadly not much counts in a case such as this. We can ONLY consider her frame of mind, acts, and violence in the past 10 days. Since she has been in the hospital 4.5 out of the 10 days we have little to go on. (When asked how she was doing Madison said "I am fine, I HAVE to be if I ever want out of here." this is the side of Madison that is manipulative. She is not fine, she is not stable and yet is able to pretend in order to survive 1 more day and be released....) I hung up the phone after a 20 minute conversation feeling sick and scared. Sick because I knew now that my daughter would no longer be safe. Scared for her future.
I did not sleep at all Tuesday night. Trying to organize my thoughts. Trying to figure out a plan. Trying not to envision what lies ahead.
Broadlawns Hospital is not a pleasant place to be. It is uncomfortable and sad. As you walk through the corridors of the hospital you see the less fortunate of our cities trudging along. Some sick. Some dirty. Some obviously strung out. Some dragging a ragged child or 2 behind them. Sad. I could not believe life with Madison had come to this. I barred my thoughts from going one step further and willed myself into survival mode.
The 3 of us made our way to the hearing room. We briefly met with our appointed attorney who explained in a gruff deep voice what was already decided.
 My heart sank. With every word spoken I felt my daughter moving further away and deeper into a world she is not capable of surviving. Ten days. Ten days is all they can consider. Forget about history forget about diagnosis forget about behavior patterns forget about medications and whether or not she has ever been compliant in taking them. 10 days. Oh and by the way...a person placing themselves in danger of being raped injured or killed by a 3rd party does not count in considering that persons ability to be considered a competent adult. So forget about the fact that she went with COMPLETE strangers believing they were her friends and would take care of her, forget about EVERYTHING that happened to her while she was with them....this only accounts for the 3rd party's frame of mind NOT hers....
So sitting there waiting I felt a darkness come over me. Its difficult to feel the warmth of the sunshine when such darkness surrounds you....We waited and waited then were ushered into the hearing room. We sat and waited some more. Madison arrived accompanied by her attorney and escorted by the sheriff. She looked nervous but happy to see us. Her childlike self was out in full force. We were called to order, the lawyers talked fast and it was over with out consideration. It was difficult to hear over the whir of the airconditioning system. I leaned forward put my head in my hands so I could concentrate on what the ruling would be. In words that we could understand the judge decided Madison was competent and able to care for herself. She has been given full authority to do as she wishes. But she has to do it all independently and on her own with no help for others. Meds, appointments, GED, everything, on her own. Her plan was to go to her Aunt's house and we were asked to take her there.
The frustrating thing for me is that the judge could take none of the important things about Madison into consideration when making this decision. A doctor who has never met her was fooled by her desire to get out and here we are. Her attorney told her ahead of time it would be best for her if she just answered YES to everything then we would get done and out faster. So she did. Every statement made, every question asked Madison responded yes. One time she said No I mean yes no I mean no she was confused and clearly had no comprehension of what was being said what she was agreeing to and what she was signing. Madison is not able to care for herself. I wish she were but she isn't. This ruling is not going to help her, this will hurt her in the long run. And now my hands are tied. As her mother I sat there wanting to jump up and shout "do you not see what you are doing?" "Do you really understand what he just said Madison??" because some of it I was not sure I could fully grasp. I wanted to argue and kick and scream and cry and shout at that judge and force him to see what he was doing was horribly wrong. But I sat there quietly staring at the floor beneath my feet trying to imagine what our future will hold. And the sad scary reality settled in around me we are not done with this kind of experience, this may have been our first trip to the mental health court room but I doubt it will be our last. If only they would have been able to see the bigger picture. Maybe we would be able to change some things...
I was driving this morning wondering. Last night I taught a lesson on integrity to my girls at church. I know this isn't exactly the same but one of the ways I explained integrity to the girls was that a person with integrity is the same on the inside as they are on the outside....this morning I was thinking and wondered if people can see my broken heart? I nicely greet the cashier and tell them life is GREAT! I let a gentleman with 2 items go ahead of me in line rather than wait for my huge purchase and make pleasant small talk filled with smiles....can they see in my eyes that I am screaming inside and my heart is broken? As I taught my lesson last night and played around teasing my girls I wonder, could they see the pain I felt? I am not the same on the outside as I am on the inside. And truth be known I don't want the people around me to ever have to see or feel the kind of pain I am living right now. Integrity is something I will have to work on, if I am going to teach it I should probly live it.

Wednesday, September 29, 2010

My good friend Jodi sent this to me in an email.....made me think.

Written by Regina Brett, 90 years old, of the Plain Dealer, Cleveland , Ohio

"To celebrate growing older, I once wrote the 45 lessons life taught me. It is the most requested column I've ever written.
My odometer rolled over to 90 in August, so here is the column once more:

1. Life isn't fair, but it's still good.
2. When in doubt, just take the next small step.
3. Life is too short to waste time hating anyone.
4. Your job won't take care of you when you are sick. Your friends and parents will. Stay in touch.
5. Pay off your credit cards every month.
6. You don't have to win every argument. Agree to disagree.
7. Cry with someone. It's more healing than crying alone.
8. It's OK to get angry with God. He can take it.
9. Save for retirement starting with your first paycheck.
10. When it comes to chocolate, resistance is futile.
11. Make peace with your past so it won't screw up the present.
12. It's OK to let your children see you cry.
13. Don't compare your life to others. You have no idea what their journey is all about.
14. If a relationship has to be a secret, you shouldn't be in it.
15. Everything can change in the blink of an eye. But don't worry; God never blinks.
16.. Take a deep breath. It calms the mind.
17. Get rid of anything that isn't useful, beautiful or joyful.
18. Whatever doesn't kill you really does make you stronger.
19. It's never too late to have a happy childhood. But the second one is up to you and no one else.
20. When it comes to going after what you love in life, don't take no for an answer.
21. Burn the candles, use the nice sheets, wear the fancy lingerie. Don't save it for a special occasion. Today is special.
22. Over prepare, then go with the flow.
23. Be eccentric now. Don't wait for old age to wear purple.
24. The most important sex organ is the brain.
25. No one is in charge of your happiness but you.
26. Frame every so-called disaster with these words 'In five years, will this matter?'
27. Always choose life.
28. Forgive everyone everything.
29. What other people think of you is none of your business.
30. Time heals almost everything. Give time time.
31. However good or bad a situation is, it will change.
32. Don't take yourself so seriously. No one else does.
33. Believe in miracles.
34. God loves you because of who God is, not because of anything you did or didn't do.
35. Don't audit life. Show up and make the most of it now.
36. Growing old beats the alternative -- dying young.
37. Your children get only one childhood.
38. All that truly matters in the end is that you loved.
39. Get outside every day. Miracles are waiting everywhere.
40. If we all threw our problems in a pile and saw everyone else's, we'd grab ours back.
41. Envy is a waste of time. You already have all you need.
42. The best is yet to come...
43. No matter how you feel, get up, dress up and show up.
44. Yield.
45. Life isn't tied with a bow, but it's still a gift."

Tuesday, September 28, 2010

Elijah said, "Daddy look the first star. You know you are supposed to make a wish on the first star that comes out at night. If you wish hard enough it will come true. wanna know what I wished?"
Daddy : "what did you wish Buddy?"
"I wished Madison would get better and make good choices so we could be a whole family again."
thats all....
Two weekends in a row we went apple picking. The first weekend we took Madison along with us, we went to Happy Apple in Norwalk but the apples there were not so happy. They had black spots or were rotting on the stem. It was raining and chilly but we had fun. The orchard was empty except for a random little family who didnt stay long. After picking apples we went to CiCi's pizza for lunch. It was a good day.






















Then this weekend we went up to Center Grove where we go every year. The apples were wonderful the cider donuts were to die for! We had so much fun and it rained on us the entire time! Again we had the orchard to ourselves, I think every year from now on I am going to wait for a rainy Saturday to go apple picking, it was way more fun than any other times I have gone!

























Saturday, September 25, 2010

Yesterday I went to Hell and back to find my daughter....
Scott Sara and I all met at the civil court house downtown to file a petition for an involuntary commital on Madison. Things began to develop quickly in the underworld Madison was hiding in. As we sat in the parking lot trying to muster up the courage to do what we needed to do to save her. Scott began to get flooded with calls. First his dad called saying Madioson had called very upset and wanted him to come get her, he said no. Then Aaron called the same...only Aaron didnt know what to do. Then came the first call from Madison she was hysterical and scared. The men she had been with no longer wanted her around and she was leaving. Virtually cutting off what little connection we had been able to have with her. Scott with the help of Sara tried talking Madison into staying in the apartment until we could form a plan of safety. She was alone and at least we would know how to find her when we had a plan. Although her knowlege her location was sketchy at best. As we were walking into the courthouse she called again saying some person she did not know was on their way to pick her up and she was leaving with them. No amount of persuasion worked. And before we entered the building Madison had disappeared again.
It was one of the most surreal feelings I have experienced thus far. We were lead into a tiny little room that held only a desk 3 chairs and one tiny table with a lamp and a box of tissues. Taped on the window was an 8 X 10 sign that simply stated MENTAL HEALTH ROOM. The woman was way too bubbly for a job such as what lay ahead of us. She spoke real fast and was difficult to follow. Somehow it was decided that Sara and I would be the 2 petitioners and Scott would give input but not sign anything.  Good thing Sara asked me to write a summary of Madisons history and meds ahead of time. Thankfully they just attached my notes to all the forms and the lady swept out the door to see a judge. 45 minutes later we had a court order for her involuntary commital in our hands and one had already been sent to the hospital and the various law enforcement agencies.
We sat in the waiting area for some time trying to track Madison down. All we had was the number she had been calling form and suddenly the men on the other side had no idea where she was or what had happened to her. Thankfully in her intense state of fear earlier in the morning she told Scott the general area she thoguht she was. I am not even sure I know what I was feeling as we walked out of the courthouse. But we decided to drive around that area and see what we could find. What we found was confirmation that Madison had landed into a world much darker and scarier than I had allowed my imagination to create. We flagged down a police officer and asked for help. He advised us to pay a visit to the leasing office of the building we thought she had been in. I left my van in a lot a ways away and we drove together to the leasing office. This neighborhood was dangerous scary and surreal and it was DAYLIGHT I kept picturing my beautiful daughter walking these streets niave and believing  any sweet thing a stranger might whisper in her ear. Fear welled up in me as we walked between two run down buildings making our way to the office. The conversations that took place in that office were further confirmation that Madison was in serious danger and the reality that we may never see her again took place in the front of my mind. If nothing else our nosing around and my possession of the court order and the knowlege that law enforcement was actively looking for my daughter and THIS was the contact information the officers had must have put fear in them. That and I truly believe that God was guiding my steps and words all day.
When we had exhausted all our leads and talked to all the people we could possibly find Scott ehaded back to work so he could be close to her if she called and I headed home.
Around 415 in the afternoon Madison finally called and said she was with a man she had met in the parking lot. Scott tried for over an hour to convince them to meet us or bring her home or let us pick her up. Praise the Lord we had a number to connect us to her. at least for the momnent. Finally the man agreed to bring Madiosn to Scott's parents house. I called the detective and we set it up. He would trace the number and if he could find her before 7 he would pick her up and call me. If not then I was to call him when Madison had arrived.
I packed the car, Amaris and I left for the girls sleep over at church. Scott fed the boys then brought them to me at church and he went to his parents house to wait. 645 Madison arrived. Scott called me and I called the detective and he was on the way. I stepped out into the fading evening and stood in the parking lot of the church and prayed for my daughter and cried.
I will not post on here all the horrific things she has experienced since she went missing. I wont post on here all the mean and ugly things that spouted from her lips.
For today, Madison is safe in the hospital and we have a hearing on Wednesday morning where the judge will decide if Madison is able to take care of herself or not. The judge has the authority to hold her there or let her walk. Please please pray this judge uses wisdom that can only come from God. That the ruling will be to hold her until we can find her the help and safety she so desperately needs. If this judge allows her to leave. We will never see her again. This much I know.
So yesterday I went to hell and back to save my daughter and tomorrow I will go again if I have to. Someday we will look back on this and know God has healed her completely and she will know I love her. Today she hates me and wont talk to me at all.

Thursday, September 23, 2010

I bounce between emotions. fear for Madisons safety, worry, tears, to anger. Angry that she would call her dad then NOT tell where she is. I don't know if she is safe and the people she is with are just being fooled by some crazy story she may be telling them. Or if she has been scooped up by some awful people and she really doesnt know where she is or who she is with and maybe she really CANT come home. Dear Bipolar I HATE YOU!! You have stolen my daughter and ruined her life. Please go away and never come back!
And what do I expect to happen if and when the detectives find her? do we bring her home in her unstable stater and put the rest of the children at risk? I dont think so. But what are the options? We cant just walk away and pretend she is a normal average 18 year old klid out on their own. I am tired of people saying that we have to let her go and hit the bottom. She is mentally 10 or 12 years old for crying out loud people LISTEN to me!! I would not sent Amaris or Lij or even Isaiah at 14 out into this world and let them hit the bottom! I have to find a place for her where she can stabilize, get healthy and BE SAFE.
I wish I knew what brilliant person came up with the idea that 18 was the magic number to become a responsible adult fully capable of making sound decisions. I was a fairly average kid and wasnt that at 18!! This system is broken and kids like my daughter are set up to fail for life because their is no safety net out there to catch them. It always comes back to the same question do I put 6 children at risk to save 1 or do I let her go. That is not even a fair question nor is it one I should have to answer....Please if you know of an answer call me...515-681-5624

Tuesday, September 21, 2010

This morning Mark called me back from FFY. He shared with me that through his prayer and discussion with other staff he felt it was right to give Madison another chance to skip the suspension and the dismissal all together and start over. Mark went to have a meeting with Madison. She was still quite worked up form last nights encounter and tantrum with Dee. Madison told Mark off, was rude and basically told him she didn't intend to stay nor did she want help from anyone. He was clearly shocked by her response and when I attempted to expalin the response and its origin he missed the point completely. I felt the pain in his voice over the phone, I heard the strain in each word as he explained that Madison was packed and planning to leave any moment.
I could never have made it over there in time to stop her. So I fell to my knees on the kitchen floor crying, begging pleading God to stop her, to shake some sense into that head of hers and I called Sara. We all tried, there was no talking to her. She was determined and had a way out lined up.
Madison left FFY sometime this morning with a boy and / or his sister Dee could not give us any details about the departure. She didnt think to pay attention...
and now some 15 hours later my daughter has been swallowed up by the streets of Des Moines, DSM seems such a small place when you have lived on both coasts but such an impossibly huge place when your child is missing in its belly.
I cant stop my mind from racing to the horrific thoughts of what may be happening to her now. When I think of the events and how they have unfolded I am spechless and left feeling confussed and sick to my stomache.
The other sad thing I have learned...or re-learned these past couple days. When crisis hits you square in the face and you are left standing in the midst of disaster all around you unable to even draw a breath you truly find your friends. People show their true feelings for you in times like this. I am saddened, shocked, surprised and happy all at the same time. Some peopel I counted as some of my closest friends have yet to call or even send a message of any kind, some family members have had nothing to say. and some people I never would have thought cared at all have been here. I wish it didnt happen that way. But I suppose I would rather know who really loves me than be fooled by those who dont.
I still cant wrap my mind around the idea that my daughter is missing and I ahve no idea how to find her...I can barely breath...

Monday, September 20, 2010

If only I had known when I was writing this morning what my day would hold....do you ever wonder...if only...
As I was getting kiddos ready for the bus (on picture day none the less!) the phone rings....madison....always while I am getting kids ready for school....Madison needed to talk....RIGHT NOW! needed to talk. So I carried the phone out tot he bus stop fixed hair wiped faces and listened to Madison ramble on the line about this confession and that. what she confessed is not as important as the result....
Madison has lied and manipulated one too many times to the house mother. The thing is that Had the house mother done her job appropriately then she would never have had the chance to lie....but she didnt so Madison lied.
call #2 came form house mother explaining that she is doing me a FAVOR of informing me that her and the house father from the boys program are packing and getting ready to drop Madison off at the local HOMELESS SHELTER! She has been kicked out for lying.
After the initial shock of the words that filtered through my ears wore off I began to cry....no sob. So many thoughts rush through my mind and the only thing I could think to do was call Sara on her cell. From there I was plunged into this whirlwind of phone calls. Begging crying pleading with complete strangers, spilling out our story to anyone who answered the phone hoping one JUST ONE fo them might have a connection with or an idea for a solution. But call after call ended with the same pitiful, I am so sorry I WISH I could help you and your daughter but....try this agency or that and thus I entered the great circle of mental health referals. I spent a total of 4 hours and 45 minutes on the phone searching. to find nothing at all. Finally this evening I got a chance to speak to the director of FFY and after nearly an hour on the phone came to an agreement to pray over night and talk again in the morning. Coiuld that be hope??
Then about an hour later Madison called hopping mad threatening to leave and find her own place to stay. She was awful on the phone and I am sure even worse than that to house mother....I am afraid her tantrum and outburst this evening sealed herafte to exit the program and move to....oh yeah NOWHERE! because there is nothing available to a girl her age with mental health issues.
I have no idea what we are going to do now....
I have fallen victim to sleepless nights yet again. The culprit? Madison.
I have a decison to make regarding Madison. I life changing, life long decision. One that will change both our lives and our relationship forever. Honestly I have no idea what to do. I have gone through every scenario in my mind with every possible outcome. I can no longer think clearly. So, I thought maybe if I write about it, I would gain some clarity and if I am lucky some peace and a decision will arrive along with it.
backing up to somewhere after the beginning but before this recent crisis.
April 2008 Madison was hospitalized for attempted suicide. During this time she was self harming, participating in very risky and scary behavior. Madison had survived a horrific act against her by her step father and it wrecked her. The word survived in this context merely means she is still breathing, because the damage that man has done to her spritually, emotionally and psychologically is devestating and deep. Thus began our deeper plunge into the world of mental illness and our quest to save our daughter. It quickly became aparent that local facilities were not equipped nor were they willing to help save Madison. We desperately searched and found nothing. Finally going to our pastor at the time. Who listened, prayed, loved and acted swiftly to create a plan to rescue us. He was wonderful and supportive and encouraging. He made it possible for Madison to go to Teen Challenge in Decatur Illinois. That was the most difficult thing I had done up to that point. The drive was long and quiet and devestating for all of us. But it was a necessary step in the rescue plan. Madison spent 15 months at Teen Challenbge before the facility closed due to financial difficulties. During her stay there we fo course saw rebellion, attitude, and she ven spent soem time in an orange jumpsuit. But over all it was a time of growth and the beginning of a very long healing process. As time went on we learned more and more things that have happened to Madison over the years at the hands of the people her mother chose to have in her life. Slowly very slowly we could catch tiny little glimpses of healing in her. Then the bomb dropped that the center was closing. Not only would she have to move home for a time but she also would not be able to complete her highschool requirements. Madison arrived home July 1 broken, and a highschool drop out. Also we learend along the way that placing her out of state was the worst possible plan we could have come up with as it made her lose all of her services she had through a waiver program, she lost her title 19 that helped pay for all her services and medications. The worst part of it all was that Madison had turned 18 while at TC. We would have had more leverage to secure services had we gained guardianship over her prior to her birthday. However we had been told not to do that, so we never persued a guardianship, believing that TC was our answer to prayer. (it would have been had it not closed).
I found a local program called Freedom For Youth who was preparing to open a  home for young ladies 18-24 years old. The fit seemed perfect or as near to perfect as might exist. Madison was home for 2 weeks until the program officially opened.
As the days have passed since she entered the FFY program we have seen a steady decline in her behavior attitude adn choices. We were losing our daughter again. She began cutting again, self harming in other ways, she began to show signs of anorexia/bulimia. Finally we were able to get her in to see a new doctor. I picked her up from FFY and took her out to meet Dr. H. He was wonderful, he took an hour and half getting to know Madison and her history, he was not over eager to jump on the medication wagon, he made a couple minor changes in her meds but nothing huge. He gave us hope, encouragement and a plan.
Then everything completely fell apart. Madison stopped taking her meds and lied about it, she started cutting again, and then threatened suicide. he was hospitalized for hallucinations and suicideal thoughts. Madison spent 6 days in the adult psych ward of the local hospital and it BROKE MY HEART. I could only imagine the things she was exposed to during her stay there. She was released to the care of FFY and we were notified several hours later. It comes back to the fact that we never gained guardianship. So if Madison doesnt want us to know about things then no one is allowed to contact us, this is a power Madison is throwing around and using. Virtually tying our hands in the relm of helping her rendering us completely helpless and leaving us to wacth this train called Madison speed ahead to a head on collision.
Just 2 days after she was releasedf from the hospital Madison got caught shoplifting. She had been in a local store with the house mother and stolen several items that where discovered sometime after they arrived back at the house. I am still not clear on what the consequences were/are.
I am scared for her future. I am afraid of what is coming next.
Clearly Madison is unable to make decisions to keep herself safe. Madison needs a guardian. It was recommended by Sara, by the social worker at the hospital (who was awesom!) by Natalie who is Madisons new care coordinator. The big question is who should be her guardian? Should it be Scott who knows very little about her diagnosis, care, doctors etc. Should it be an outside person who can be unbiased? or should it be me? who has been her primary caregiver since she was 2 and half years old. Logically and clinically it should be me. Because there would ot have to be any break in care or services to teach about Madison. I know what would be best for Madison. But, selfishly, I am not so sure it is best for ME. guardianship is a HUGE life long commitment. Madison is always going to need soemone to help her along in life. To help her make decisions in every aspect of life. I am just not sure I can do that....forever. I know I sound horrible. Its NOT that I do not love her. She is my daughter just the same as Amaris is my daughter. I want her to grow to be as healthy and happy and successful as she possibly can. There are just so many more layers to this than I can fairly express. her attitude, her games, her manipulations, her anger all scare me.
I need to make this decision soon time is passing by and she is not getting any better as I ponder this decision.
We are waiting to hear if her application for services through title 19 will be a pproved. We need to apply for SSI for the 4th time. Without these services in place there will be place for her to go. If she is asked to leave FFY there is no other option available without those services. We can not bring her home while she is so unstable and unpredictable.
I sense a few more sleepless nights ahead of me....clarity and revelation has not arrived as I had hoped...

Tuesday, September 14, 2010

Captain Ninja Bug Spanker!!

Before he left on his latest work trip Philip bought us an electric fly swatter. (my kids call the bug spankers). We have had to ban the use of said bugspanker by Samuel becasue Samuel thinks anything that moves breathes or has a pulse qualifies as a bug and should be spanked by the bug spanker! Yesterday Dominique was finally feeling better from his recent leg infection and came out to visit. He was way excited to try out our new toy and instantly turned into a crazy man on a mission to dominate all the flies in the house! Off came the shirt and the war was ON! soon after Little Burrito had to follow suit and off came his shirt. Burrito ran around the house cheering Dom on to victoy in the war of the Flies! Samuel ran around after him with a tissue scooping up the fried flies and disposing of them into the toilet! These boys CRACK ME UP!
What is it about a persons handwriting that makes me feel closer to them even when they are not here?
I am still salvaging and throwing things from the basement flood. Moveing closer to remodleing, what a job ahead.
Back to the handwriting....the other day I opened a box that had been tucked away in a back corner of the basement. In it I found many little treasures. 3 neatly packaged bundels of letters tied in purple ribbon all from Josly my best friend from my teenage years. just seeing her beautiful script flowing across the page brought back all the memories and moments we shared as teenage girls trying to figure out life. I dont talk to her as much as I should, I am terrible about setting aside time to spend catching up with those I love who are far from me. But something about her handwriting made her feel closer to me. It was a nice.
a little further down in the box I found a small bundle of cards and letters from my Grammie. What a lady she was. I learned to bake standing on a step stool in her kitchen. I gained my love for reading through her and our many walks to the library on my visits to her house. Seeing her hand writing took me back to days of iced tea on her back porch, playing in her basement and walking up the hill to get a cookie out of the mail slot from the mystery cookie lady! Seeing her hand writing was like a childhood hug. It was nice.
I think though the one that has the most profound effect on me is that of my father. I have strategically placed all around me pieces of his writing so I have the opportunity to see it and be touched by his presence daily. He had begun writing me a book of all his special recipes before he passed away, sadly that book is incomplete, but everytime I get into the cookbook cupboard I take it out and touch his penmenship. I run my finger down the line of words and feel closer to him. Its been a while since I have done that but this morning while I was getting ready for my day I opened my prayer box and out slid a slip of paper that simply said "daddy loves you" in his handwriting. The funny thing is I do not recall placing that paper in my prayer box. But I can honestly say I really needed to feel close to my Daddy today. When I saw his handwriting on that slip of paper I felt the warmth of his love and hug completely surround me. As crazy as it may sound I felt like it gave me the extra boost of strength I needed to face this day. It was nice.
I still dont know what it is about a persons handwriting that touches me but in MOST cases I am glad it does!

Friday, September 10, 2010

Today is Isaiah's 14th birthday!!
It is hard to believe. Looking back over the 14 years of his life so far I see how God has been protecting guiding holding and loving him every moment.
He is growing to be an amazing young man!
All Isaiah wanted was the chocolate fountain, no cake. Everyone enjoyed the fountain, thank goodness we got it working it was questionable there for a little bit. But we got it working and had a lot of fun experimenting. my new favorite. Pineapple. mmmmm!
Isaiah I love you and am so proud of who you are!
Love Mom!