Tuesday, June 30, 2015

I made it

June 30
I made it through the month of June.
Another Father's Day another death day another birthday have come and gone. It is always interesting to me how depending on the season I am living in my life determines the depth of grief I experience.
Days have come and gone. Reflecting, mourning all over again. Some days took me by surprise and some took me to the deepest sadness imagined. But today arrived and I realized something. I know June is hard by the last day of May every year I am preparing my heart and mind for the coming days and not matter how much preparation I pour in it always takes me by surprise.
This year was no different. Random days of no memorial significance at all brought me to tears. Yet his death date was not as hard. Father's Day and his birthday both kept me on my knees with grief.
In reflection I am so grateful for the life lessons he taught me. In listening to old friends recall our teen years and the impact he had on their lives. Watching dominique become a man, filled with love and compassion for the world, watching Isaiah and his amazing love and patience with his siblings and witnessing Elijah go off to El Salvador touch lives and come home heart broken for the children....all these bring joy to my heart, these boys are the living legacy of my daddy.
I am reminded of an uncles hatefilled words of 30 some years ago and today I smile in knowing how very wrong he proved to be. Those words ring through my memory as if they were just spewed a few moments ago.
Future generations have been blessed not cursed, my fathers grand children and great grand children will rise and be world changers. They will leave their grandfathers fingerprints and heart beat behind them in every thing they do. My daddy lived love out loud, I am proud to pass his loving legacy on.
So today at the end of my least favorite month of the year I am choosing to reflect and hold onto the truth, unconditional love deeply rich heritage he so lovingly gifted to me and his future generations.
I love you daddy. It is my greatest joy to honor you

Saturday, June 27, 2015

Gods plans are greater
February 2015 we as a family decided to end our years as a foster family. Our daughter was struggling with motherhood we knew our hands would be full. We scheduled a meeting with out licensing agency and let them know of our plan. Our support worker asked us to think about it for 1 week. We agreed to do so but knew we would not change our minds. 
A few days later as I was driving to an important meeting for our daughter I received the first if 4 phone calls that would change our world....again.
We have a baby girl being discharged from the hospital would you consider placement?i explained our situation. And let her know that we would not take placement. The outcome of our meeting was not what any of us expected. When I listened to messages after the meeting there was another call about baby girl. I returned the call and let her know that we have too many kiddos and would not be able to take placement. 
I went on to the office to get some work done casually called Scott to let him know about the calls. I sensed hesitation in his voice but knew we were still set in our decision. The 3rd call came and I agreed to listen to details and let the placement agent know we would agree if the court signed a variance and if the DHS worker approved. I still believed full well that we were closing and not taking baby.
The last call came, DHS was excited to hear we were the identified family. We agreed to  take temporary placement while they continued to search for a medical home who could properly care for her.
That was February 26.... Today is June 27. Little miss is still with us. She is thriving and making amazing progress every day. We are head over heals in love with her. We take her to church or in the community and all who meet her are drawn to her . There is something special about this little one. She has changed hearts given hope and amazed us all. 
I am honored that God chose for me to be her temporary mama. I will love her well as long as I have her.
Please pray for her and her journey as it continues.....

Thursday, June 25, 2015

In my decision to begin writing again I have thought of so many things I want to write about sorting through thoughts in my mind and deciding where to begin is a challenge. Today I will begin with me.
Up until recently I had made the decision to keep my health struggles to myself and a select few people close to me. I am not a person who likes to be at the center of attention or to have the focus of others on me. So keeping my struggles quiet has really been a survival technique. I don't know how to ask for help I don't know how to receive help it is very hard for me. Which is funny because I would stop and give you my last pennies and all I have if you were in need. No question. I enjoy helping others. One day many years ago an older gentleman offered me some help and when I graciously turned him down he looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if was willingly robbing him of his ability to be a blessing....it is so difficult to ask for help.
About 18 months ago I finally got tired of feeling sick and tired all the time and went to the doctor. Which started a dominoes effect of appointments with several specialists. I have walked out of offices in tears, discouraged, and broken. Left with no hope of recovery or relief.
What we do know is that I have 3 auto immune diseases and 1 blood disorder. We also know that I am allergic to all pain management medications they have tried thus far and I refuse to take narcotics. A friend of mine has been making me ointments and oil blends to try and help ease the pain. Some days it provides a little relief. Most not. Up until 6 months ago I was experiencing cycles of  unmanaged pain and exhaustion followed by "remission" that would last a few weeks to even a month or more. But in the last 6 months I have had 4 days of "remission" four. That is it. Most days are filled with pain that leaves me breathless and hiding in quiet places to cry and gather myself together so I can continue on with my day. I can't sleep at night because every position is painful. I can't sleep because my mind is too full to rest. There are so many things I need to do, so many people counting on me every day to care for them. There are so many things I want to do and can't because I have to conserve all my energy for the things I have to do. I hate this. I am not used to being emotional. I hate crying. I hate feeling helpless and out of control.
I am at a place now where I know I can't do this on my own. I need to find a way to manage. I have to learn to live with all of it. Please pray.
I am very good at hiding, I am very good at putting on a game face so no one knows.

Monday, June 22, 2015

It seems I am forever learning of life and love. heartaches and joys.
I can't tell you how many millions of times I have written blog posts in my mind but failed to find the time to record those fleeting thoughts.
My mind is constantly writing. Always in motion never stopping.
Sitting here on this cloudy rainy day I could write about a number of things. So much has happened since my last post life has a way of changing and running off with me now and again. I have to forcibly slow down and learn to breath. Learn to take in moment and engrave them on my heart so as not to forget the depths of the emotions of those moments. Both bitter and sweet ones. I never want to forget the bitterness that life doles out because it is through those moments those trials that I grow the most.
The funny thing is I seem to learn a variation of the same lesson again and again. Which means to me that I am not a good student of life. Haha.
I would love to sit here and tell you I learn my lesson grow and move on every single time. But that would be a lie. And I try to be transparent so others might see they are not alone in their struggles.
I have done a lot of  grieving a lot of celebrating and everything in between. I have experienced the joy of success and the sting of failure. But at the end of the day I choose to pick up I choose to put one foot in front of the other and continue on.
That is the best I can do for me for my children and for those I love most dearly.
I am planning to do better here.
Honestly it truly is selfish. I feel better when I write. For me writing is medicine for my soul and healing to my heart. I may not weave beauty into my words but I find them to be soothing to my being and that's most important. If I help you along the way that is a huge bonus to me.
Welcome back

Tuesday, February 17, 2015

here is the deal
I am a mom. A mom who fails daily. Every single day I mess something up with at least one of my precious children. the very same children I prayed for and was chosen to parent. Adoption fostering or birthing it really doesn't matter. I mess up equally on all. there are days when I fall into my pillow and weep. literally weep tears of failure and frustration. I am not a perfect parent nor do I wish to be. here is what I do wish:
I wish that my journey may be a light unto the path of parents coming along after me. that my mistakes and failures would guide them in a direction more productive one with less pain and fewer tears.
I wish that my love for my children would guide them to healing. healing the wounds of their pasts.
I wish that love alone was enough to mend the wounds of trauma and time and the cruelty of this world
I wish that all of my children would be soothed by the rocking of my embrace
I wish I was as wise as the wisest of all and that my mistakes would fade into the watercolor memories of time and only my success become vivid pictures of who I am to them in the future.
I wish  always used an even tone of voice and lovingly corrected and reassured my children EVERY SINGLE TIME but I don't. folks, I DONT. sometimes I cry, sometimes I yell, sometimes I lose it and the mess of emotional puddles of my children that I am forced to repair and rebuild devastate me. break my heart. BUT
part of this is being real.
I am being real here. I am a mess of imperfection who is trudging through this journey of mothering the best way I know how. I do not ever want to mislead anyone into believing that I have this whole thing figured out. Sometimes I hit a home run but honestly those are rare.
the beauty of imperfection is that I always have another day another chance at making it better, repairing the broken finding beauty in the midst of a mess. every day I chose to do better to be better and show better. every day I wake up look at my reflection in the mirror and give grace, a second chance and I chose to move forward learning from yesterday and praying I have learned something praying that my journey would be used for good and not to harm others.

Monday, January 26, 2015

sometimes the right decision feels wrong

Letting go.
Saying goodbye.
saying out loud the thoughts that flutter about within the walls of my heart.
Acknowledging the hurt and pain.
Admitting this time love was not enough.
This is one of the most difficult posts I have written in a very long time.
You have to have a glimpse of my heart, a window into my soul to be able to fully understand the depth of pain and grief saturating each word written here.
I am not a mother of many for accolades. I am not a foster mother for the money. I am not an adoptive mother to gain applause and ovations. I am not a social worker to save the world. I do not operate Dropz of Hope for fame and recognition.
I was created to give. I was created to connect. As I truly believe all humans were. I was taught at a very early age by a grandmother and a father who loved the world with pure hearts that when a person is in need you help. When a person is lonely you hold their hand. When a person is in the depths of sorrow you wipe their tears. And if they push you away you quietly sit and wait reminding them of your quiet presence because one day they will look up and realize you are still there. YOU were the ONE who did not leave. You were the ONE who stayed no matter what. this very foundation is the base of my life motto: Love no matter what: the tattoo I chose represents all of this and my motto was shortened to: unconditional love.
considering my foundation, the way I was created even without the great influence of such amazing individuals, you might begin to understand why this particular situation has so deeply and profoundly damaged my heart.
I am beginning to work it out. I am beginning to be able to reconcile who I am with what I have no control over and how those 2 things do not always meld together sweetly creating a beautiful tapestry. No. sometimes who I am and circumstances I am forced to walk out do not get along well. sometimes they bring clouds of darkness and tears.
I am beginning to see that it is not about me. It is not what I did or did not do. it is not that I did not love well. I know that I have. I loved her well. I have loved her completely and no matter what. At the end of the story this has to count for something. there are still so many variables outside of my control.
It feels so unnatural to give up. walk away. speak the words: good bye. when my heart is screaming WAIT one more chance. Lets try this parenting thing one more time.
Sometimes the children that walk into the door of my heart and home are hurting. sometimes they have experienced such deep trauma that only a miracle will change them. Only the loving hand of God reaching down and holding them close to HIM will heal their wounds.
And sometimes there are policies and procedures that dictate whether or not we are able to continue our pursuit of the miraculous healing they so deserve.
when these things take place simultaneously we must step back. we must reframe our thoughts. We must put a container around our hearts and think.
it is not about me.
in this situation what is best for this child?
and it is then that we have to be willing to take our heart place it in their hands and let them go. Being a foster adoptive parent is the only calling in life that I know of that we willingly daily offer our hearts fully and expect them to be broken into a million pieces knowing full well we will pick those pieces up again and place them in the hands of strangers over and over expecting that tattered heart to be broken again and again. Hoping that one time just one time out of a million love will be enough and the recipient of our heart will feel the warmth of the unconditional love it offers. Praying that somehow through HIS grace love will ultimately be enough.
But today. Right now. I am standing in the midst of the pieces of my broken heart. Knowing there is a little girl I call my own who is too hurt and too wounded to believe in love and too distant to allow me to give her what she deserves. A mothers unfailing everyday unconditional love. no matter what.
Today my dear girl, I am letting you go. As the tears burn trails upon my face. I am letting you go. may you always know the love I have given to you freely will stand waiting. maybe the future will bring you healing and then you will see and know the gift that is waiting for you.
I am not walking away. I am not giving up. I am not quitting.
I am letting go so you are free to find healing. so you are free to fly. I am believing one day when healing settles in around your broken heart that God will whisper my name across your soul and you
will remember the days you were called my daughter.
always know there is Grace in every day, there is hope in all things, and you are loved. so very dearly loved not only by me but also your Father in Heaven who created you to do great things.

Thursday, January 22, 2015

risk and hope

It has been a long 7 months. 7 months of letting go, self revelation and discovery. 7 months of grief and turmoil. 7 months of searching to find who I am now and how do I fit into this world today.
so many hard things. so many circumstances out of my hands affecting my world.
It would be a cop-out to sit and write of how this journey has lead me to beautiful revelations and suddenly the heavens opened up and sun shown down on my path revealing all the wonderful things I could imagine. this has not happened.
I would be lying.
I have struggled with health. emotional health, physical health. heart health. there are days I have to will myself to move out of bed and into the day.
I look back over months and years and see I have not always been kind to myself. I care more for those around me than I do for myself. Self care is THE>HARDEST>THING<FOR<ME< I know this, I am not good at it at all. I ever ask for help. I never take time for me. I don't invest in me. ever.
which makes me to be a hypocrite I suppose as I sit in home after home encouraging moms dads grandparents and others to take good care of themselves so they are better able to care for others. In my head this makes perfect sense. Perfectly! I am just unable to put into practice the words of advice I pass out. I could list one lame excuse or explanation after another and never find the truth. I am not even sure I understand the truth. I gather bits of my truth here and there and piece them together like great grandmother used to piece together fabric in hopes of having a lovely quilt when she was done. each time I find a new piece that seems to fit I find a  new space waiting to be filled.
I have been thinking a lot lately about seriously perusing the passions of my heart. maybe in the pursuit of my passions I will find my truth. maybe then the clouds of loneliness and sadness will lift away. It always seems odd to me that I am able to feel so sad and lonely while surrounded by so many people all of the time. it is overwhelming and surreal to look around and see a room filled with smiling people and yet feel completely alone. I am becoming more aware of these things and some of why they are happening.
Its funny I almost expect people to trust me. in my job, with dropz of hope, at church in the community yet I don't automatically trust others. I am working on that also.
I feel like these past 7 months I have been hiding. hiding from myself and hiding the struggles I have been living. its time to get real again. its time to work it all out.
Today, this is a he risk. I risk judgment of others who have stumbled across this page. I risk revealing too much of my heart and others not knowing how to handle it. but I have come to realize that if I wish to make progress and move forward I have to risk everything. and what ever I am still holding when its over is what I have to build on for tomorrow.
I hope to write more often I hope to work through all of this and be a ray of light for someone else. someday.

Thursday, July 17, 2014

grace for a far off place

This seems to be a theme for me as of late. I read about it everywhere I turn. I find myself counseling others to live it show it share it. I find myself drawn to its mystery and not quite knowing how and why it reappears on a daily basis.
My mind wanders to far off places. Places from my past that lay covered in dust begging to be left alone. I mean seriously the past is far off for a reason, right?
Why then, are there reminders of everywhere I look.
I need to find a way to not only show grace give grace but also to extend grace unto myself.
Choke. gasp. sputter. WHAT?
So many moments in this life I feel totally completely unworthy of such things as grace. Grace is intended for others surely not me.
As I have entertained this inner dialogue regarding grace over the last couple weeks I have landed on this truth. I do deserve Grace. I am not any good at being selfish enough to take it for myself.
The Bible tells me that His grace is sufficient for me. Why is so hard?
Why am I able to see that Grace is God's gift t others but fail to see the same truth applied to myself?