In my decision to begin writing again I have thought of so many things I want to write about sorting through thoughts in my mind and deciding where to begin is a challenge. Today I will begin with me.
Up until recently I had made the decision to keep my health struggles to myself and a select few people close to me. I am not a person who likes to be at the center of attention or to have the focus of others on me. So keeping my struggles quiet has really been a survival technique. I don't know how to ask for help I don't know how to receive help it is very hard for me. Which is funny because I would stop and give you my last pennies and all I have if you were in need. No question. I enjoy helping others. One day many years ago an older gentleman offered me some help and when I graciously turned him down he looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if was willingly robbing him of his ability to be a blessing....it is so difficult to ask for help.
About 18 months ago I finally got tired of feeling sick and tired all the time and went to the doctor. Which started a dominoes effect of appointments with several specialists. I have walked out of offices in tears, discouraged, and broken. Left with no hope of recovery or relief.
What we do know is that I have 3 auto immune diseases and 1 blood disorder. We also know that I am allergic to all pain management medications they have tried thus far and I refuse to take narcotics. A friend of mine has been making me ointments and oil blends to try and help ease the pain. Some days it provides a little relief. Most not. Up until 6 months ago I was experiencing cycles of  unmanaged pain and exhaustion followed by "remission" that would last a few weeks to even a month or more. But in the last 6 months I have had 4 days of "remission" four. That is it. Most days are filled with pain that leaves me breathless and hiding in quiet places to cry and gather myself together so I can continue on with my day. I can't sleep at night because every position is painful. I can't sleep because my mind is too full to rest. There are so many things I need to do, so many people counting on me every day to care for them. There are so many things I want to do and can't because I have to conserve all my energy for the things I have to do. I hate this. I am not used to being emotional. I hate crying. I hate feeling helpless and out of control.
I am at a place now where I know I can't do this on my own. I need to find a way to manage. I have to learn to live with all of it. Please pray.
I am very good at hiding, I am very good at putting on a game face so no one knows.