sometimes the right decision feels wrong

Letting go.
Saying goodbye.
saying out loud the thoughts that flutter about within the walls of my heart.
Acknowledging the hurt and pain.
Admitting this time love was not enough.
This is one of the most difficult posts I have written in a very long time.
You have to have a glimpse of my heart, a window into my soul to be able to fully understand the depth of pain and grief saturating each word written here.
I am not a mother of many for accolades. I am not a foster mother for the money. I am not an adoptive mother to gain applause and ovations. I am not a social worker to save the world. I do not operate Dropz of Hope for fame and recognition.
I was created to give. I was created to connect. As I truly believe all humans were. I was taught at a very early age by a grandmother and a father who loved the world with pure hearts that when a person is in need you help. When a person is lonely you hold their hand. When a person is in the depths of sorrow you wipe their tears. And if they push you away you quietly sit and wait reminding them of your quiet presence because one day they will look up and realize you are still there. YOU were the ONE who did not leave. You were the ONE who stayed no matter what. this very foundation is the base of my life motto: Love no matter what: the tattoo I chose represents all of this and my motto was shortened to: unconditional love.
considering my foundation, the way I was created even without the great influence of such amazing individuals, you might begin to understand why this particular situation has so deeply and profoundly damaged my heart.
I am beginning to work it out. I am beginning to be able to reconcile who I am with what I have no control over and how those 2 things do not always meld together sweetly creating a beautiful tapestry. No. sometimes who I am and circumstances I am forced to walk out do not get along well. sometimes they bring clouds of darkness and tears.
I am beginning to see that it is not about me. It is not what I did or did not do. it is not that I did not love well. I know that I have. I loved her well. I have loved her completely and no matter what. At the end of the story this has to count for something. there are still so many variables outside of my control.
It feels so unnatural to give up. walk away. speak the words: good bye. when my heart is screaming WAIT one more chance. Lets try this parenting thing one more time.
Sometimes the children that walk into the door of my heart and home are hurting. sometimes they have experienced such deep trauma that only a miracle will change them. Only the loving hand of God reaching down and holding them close to HIM will heal their wounds.
And sometimes there are policies and procedures that dictate whether or not we are able to continue our pursuit of the miraculous healing they so deserve.
when these things take place simultaneously we must step back. we must reframe our thoughts. We must put a container around our hearts and think.
it is not about me.
in this situation what is best for this child?
and it is then that we have to be willing to take our heart place it in their hands and let them go. Being a foster adoptive parent is the only calling in life that I know of that we willingly daily offer our hearts fully and expect them to be broken into a million pieces knowing full well we will pick those pieces up again and place them in the hands of strangers over and over expecting that tattered heart to be broken again and again. Hoping that one time just one time out of a million love will be enough and the recipient of our heart will feel the warmth of the unconditional love it offers. Praying that somehow through HIS grace love will ultimately be enough.
But today. Right now. I am standing in the midst of the pieces of my broken heart. Knowing there is a little girl I call my own who is too hurt and too wounded to believe in love and too distant to allow me to give her what she deserves. A mothers unfailing everyday unconditional love. no matter what.
Today my dear girl, I am letting you go. As the tears burn trails upon my face. I am letting you go. may you always know the love I have given to you freely will stand waiting. maybe the future will bring you healing and then you will see and know the gift that is waiting for you.
I am not walking away. I am not giving up. I am not quitting.
I am letting go so you are free to find healing. so you are free to fly. I am believing one day when healing settles in around your broken heart that God will whisper my name across your soul and you

will remember the days you were called my daughter.
always know there is Grace in every day, there is hope in all things, and you are loved. so very dearly loved not only by me but also your Father in Heaven who created you to do great things.

risk and hope

It has been a long 7 months. 7 months of letting go, self revelation and discovery. 7 months of grief and turmoil. 7 months of searching to find who I am now and how do I fit into this world today.
so many hard things. so many circumstances out of my hands affecting my world.
It would be a cop-out to sit and write of how this journey has lead me to beautiful revelations and suddenly the heavens opened up and sun shown down on my path revealing all the wonderful things I could imagine. this has not happened.
I would be lying.
I have struggled with health. emotional health, physical health. heart health. there are days I have to will myself to move out of bed and into the day.
I look back over months and years and see I have not always been kind to myself. I care more for those around me than I do for myself. Self care is THE>HARDEST>THING<FOR<ME< I know this, I am not good at it at all. I ever ask for help. I never take time for me. I don't invest in me. ever.
which makes me to be a hypocrite I suppose as I sit in home after home encouraging moms dads grandparents and others to take good care of themselves so they are better able to care for others. In my head this makes perfect sense. Perfectly! I am just unable to put into practice the words of advice I pass out. I could list one lame excuse or explanation after another and never find the truth. I am not even sure I understand the truth. I gather bits of my truth here and there and piece them together like great grandmother used to piece together fabric in hopes of having a lovely quilt when she was done. each time I find a new piece that seems to fit I find a  new space waiting to be filled.
I have been thinking a lot lately about seriously perusing the passions of my heart. maybe in the pursuit of my passions I will find my truth. maybe then the clouds of loneliness and sadness will lift away. It always seems odd to me that I am able to feel so sad and lonely while surrounded by so many people all of the time. it is overwhelming and surreal to look around and see a room filled with smiling people and yet feel completely alone. I am becoming more aware of these things and some of why they are happening.
Its funny I almost expect people to trust me. in my job, with dropz of hope, at church in the community yet I don't automatically trust others. I am working on that also.
I feel like these past 7 months I have been hiding. hiding from myself and hiding the struggles I have been living. its time to get real again. its time to work it all out.
Today, this is a he risk. I risk judgment of others who have stumbled across this page. I risk revealing too much of my heart and others not knowing how to handle it. but I have come to realize that if I wish to make progress and move forward I have to risk everything. and what ever I am still holding when its over is what I have to build on for tomorrow.
I hope to write more often I hope to work through all of this and be a ray of light for someone else. someday.