It has been a long 7 months. 7 months of letting go, self revelation and discovery. 7 months of grief and turmoil. 7 months of searching to find who I am now and how do I fit into this world today.
so many hard things. so many circumstances out of my hands affecting my world.
It would be a cop-out to sit and write of how this journey has lead me to beautiful revelations and suddenly the heavens opened up and sun shown down on my path revealing all the wonderful things I could imagine. this has not happened.
I would be lying.
I have struggled with health. emotional health, physical health. heart health. there are days I have to will myself to move out of bed and into the day.
I look back over months and years and see I have not always been kind to myself. I care more for those around me than I do for myself. Self care is THE>HARDEST>THING<FOR<ME< I know this, I am not good at it at all. I ever ask for help. I never take time for me. I don't invest in me. ever.
which makes me to be a hypocrite I suppose as I sit in home after home encouraging moms dads grandparents and others to take good care of themselves so they are better able to care for others. In my head this makes perfect sense. Perfectly! I am just unable to put into practice the words of advice I pass out. I could list one lame excuse or explanation after another and never find the truth. I am not even sure I understand the truth. I gather bits of my truth here and there and piece them together like great grandmother used to piece together fabric in hopes of having a lovely quilt when she was done. each time I find a new piece that seems to fit I find a new space waiting to be filled.
I have been thinking a lot lately about seriously perusing the passions of my heart. maybe in the pursuit of my passions I will find my truth. maybe then the clouds of loneliness and sadness will lift away. It always seems odd to me that I am able to feel so sad and lonely while surrounded by so many people all of the time. it is overwhelming and surreal to look around and see a room filled with smiling people and yet feel completely alone. I am becoming more aware of these things and some of why they are happening.
Its funny I almost expect people to trust me. in my job, with dropz of hope, at church in the community yet I don't automatically trust others. I am working on that also.
I feel like these past 7 months I have been hiding. hiding from myself and hiding the struggles I have been living. its time to get real again. its time to work it all out.
Today, this is a he risk. I risk judgment of others who have stumbled across this page. I risk revealing too much of my heart and others not knowing how to handle it. but I have come to realize that if I wish to make progress and move forward I have to risk everything. and what ever I am still holding when its over is what I have to build on for tomorrow.
I hope to write more often I hope to work through all of this and be a ray of light for someone else. someday.
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