Friday, October 29, 2010

These past couple months have been by far the most difficult for me so far. It is times like these that I miss my Dad even more. He was not a perfect man. He made mistakes. But he taught me so many things. One of the most valuable of these lessons was to love unconditionally and to love no matter what. I think that is what makes these months so difficult. I miss him. A lot!
A couple nights ago I could not sleep again. I sat up in bed with a flash light and wrote him a letter. I cried and I wrote. I wish I could hear his voice. To hear his response to my words. To hear his correction if I am wrong and encouragement if he agrees. To feel his gentle touch. To see his love for his grandchildren.
Daddy and I October 30, 1993.

Thursday, October 28, 2010

Now that I have gone member only, I am thinking changing the name from 'my transparent heart' to 'my hidden heart' may be more appropriate. I hate that I have been forced into hiding. Forced to protect my thoughts and feelings. But, I would far rather protect my family and myself than to have anyone who feels like it, randomly leave unkind messages for all the world to see.
I think by far the sadest part for me were the messages I have recieved from people all over. Telling me that they stumbled on my blog through some search or another, that they are living and breathing similarly painful situations in their lives. That they if nothing else gain the strength of knowing they are not alone and quite possibly are not as crazy as they thought. Living with a loved one with a serious mental illness is a scary lonely place to be much of the time, and just finding someone ,even if they are not there in a form you could reach out and touch, brings a kind of comfort that is difficult to describe. Sadly these people who have contacted me do not feel comfortable revealing their identities and locations so I can not invite them to join. That makes me sad. Very sad.

Tuesday, October 26, 2010

Here is the final post ~
I want to make it very clear what was expected of us Madisons parents during this 30 day period following her commital. Frankly I should not have to explain myself or my motives but since I have been accused of neglecting Madison ignoring her and not caring about her during this period I feel it is aappropriate to address this issue. Also It has come to my attention that there are some people who read my blog who felt uncomfortable with what I write and felt it necessary to inform family members of my writing. Please understand, I write here for personal reasons. If you have an issue with me or what I write I would appreciate a PRIVATE message in the form of phone call or email. there is no need to involve third party people or to publicly call me out on my blog.
When we were in court with Madison several things happened.
The judge ruled that Madiosn take 30 days to prove she can take care of herself, BY HERSELF. He knew full well that she does not have a job, money, place to live, or ability to drive. This was the POINT. Madison was not and still is not stable enough to care for herself. The goal was and always has been to prepare Madison to be as healthy and Independant as possible. She was instructed to do everything on her own. Medications, pharmacy, appointments. GED and comply with services that are already in place. She was informed of the free bus token program and was told to contact people through that program to learn how to take public transportation to get to and from her appointments. She was told to apply for SS and medicaid to help pay for her medication since she has chosen to be an independant adult our health insurance will soon run out and then she will have no coverage. Masdison was FULLY informed of all the things she is required to do during this 30 day period. She has lost services due to non compliance, services that she was on the waitlist for 18 months or more to recieve. She is very near losing SS and will not be able to reapply for a year. She has not followed through with the medicaid application either. If these services are terminated it will hurt her not help her. We were ordered to NOT help her in anyway unless she called us and asked specifically for help with getting her medications or applying for the services. Madison has not called me to ask for help on anything. She has called to inform me of how I have ruined her life, she has called me to inform me of the piercing she got, she has called me to inform me that she thinks she is pregnant she has called me to inform me that she quit taking her medications and doesnt notice any difference so she has no intention of continuing. She has called me to inform me that she hopes to become pregnant if she ends up not being pregnant. ALL of these reports are directly from Madison over the phone. I did not make them up. But I am very concerned. I am worried about her and her future.
The end of the 30 days is this week. She has not called the program she was enrolled in for her GED. She has not learned the bus system.
My goal is not and never has been to expect failure in my daughter. My goal has been to prepare her for a possitive future one where she will thrive and be healthy and productive.
The most difficult part of these 30 days has been knowing that my hands are tied and we have been ORDERED by the courts to do NOTHING!
Thanks for taking the time to read this. And please if you are not going to support us in this journey to help Madison find her way in this world please leave us alone. This is hard enough with love and support.

Monday, October 25, 2010

blog definition:
A frequent, chronological publication of personal thoughts and Web links.

Definition of BLOG


: a Web site that contains an online personal journal with reflections, comments, and often hyperlinks provided by the writer

I apologize that my inner thoughts, feelings and emotions have caused great offense to some people. I believe there is no wrong or right way to experience a persons emotions and feelings. The things I write about on my blog are important to me. I do not write this blog for others. I write because it brings me organization of thought and allows me to gain perspective on what is happening in my life. I do not write to hurt people. And would NEVER write to hurt my children. ANY of my children. I do have 7 children. I love each one of them. Each one has their own unique personalities, characteristics, triumphs and failures. Each one requires a different kind of love and patience. I have never claimed to be a perfect parent. I know that I make mistakes along the way. But this is a journal of MY journey with MY children and MY family. From MY heart. This is a personal reflection of my heart. I should not have to apologize for expressing my heart.
Because I have offended people and because it has caused great pain to people I love deeply I have decided to change my blog to a members only blog. If you follow this blog and wish to continue please send me your contact email so I may send you an invitation. This will be the last entry until I have completed the transition. Thank you for understanding.

Saturday, October 23, 2010

I am sitting in Larkspur at my cousins. This is my last evening here in California. You may find this funny and a bit fitting ~ it has not rained here in over 3 months. It began raining approximately 20 minutes after my plane landed and has not stopped since. We still went places and saw beautiful things, had amazing moments of discussion and silence. It has been a good trip. I am grateful for the opportunity to fly out here and wish that I could say I will be returning refreshed and ready to take on the world. Although that was the goal sadly I find that once again I am forced into a position of defense. Just a few short hours before I am to board a plane for home I find that my place. This place. My safe place where I have found peace in the storms of my life, where I pour out my feelings and slowly figure out this crazy life. This place where I have chosen to be transparent and open, honest and real. I find there are people reading who feel the need not only to judge me but also, of all things, to PRINT out portions of my blog and take it to Scott. As if I would ever write things on here to bring shame or dishonor to my family. I am angry and deeply hurt.
Here is the deal. This is my place. A place I have chosen to be transparent and honest about MY LIFE. I have invited the world to visit and read. And I pray over every post that somehow my experience, my life, my thoughts may touch someone else on a day they need to be touched. If you do not like what I have to say please do us both a favor and delete your link to my blog. If you read my postings in order that you may judge me and all the mistakes I have made please make today the last day you read this. Believe me, I am hard enough on myself for the challenges of my children. I judge my mistakes far more harshly than you ever could. The guilt I impose on myself goes deeper than any guilt you could ever try to impose on me.
I will continue to write. I will continue to be honest open and transparent. Please, do me a favor, you made choices long ago to not have me be a part of your life and I over the years have come to accept that I will never belong in your world. I am asking that you please stop reading my blog, if you can not stop reading then please stop judging. Also, Scott is fully aware that I have this blog, he knows what I say here, so there is no need to inform him of my writings. But thank you for being so concerned about my inner thoughts and feelings.
just a foot note: it is absolutely positively Impossible to understand, cure or reverse mental illness in 30 days or less. in 30 days or less what you will see is a honey moon phase that will confirm all your suspicions of neglect, bad parenting and any other horrible thought you have ever had toward the parent. I know this because no matter where Madison has been she has always without fail had lovely honey moon phases. in that 30 days you will also see, if you pay attention lying manipulating and sneaky behavior. If those behaviors are not noticed and dealt with then they will quickly grow as they did with my Madison in TC and also at FFY. By holding the hand of the person who is supposed to be proving they can do it on their own, by counting pills and making sure that person makes it to all the appointments and babysitting you are not helping that person get closer to success. what you are doing is setting yourself and them up for failure because when the bottom falls out and the mental illness exits the honeymoon and the behaviors and manipulations take front seat again that person will have no services and no safety net to catch them. and at some point you will be too exhausted to babysit drive count and double check every move. mental illness is not caused by a step mother not caring. it is not caused by parents being too strict. it is a biological and sometimes inherited illness that is the fault of NO ONE!! the. end.

Thursday, October 21, 2010

This morning I am leaving for a much needed R&R with my cousins in San Fransisco. It will be a short trip, I will be back in Iowa by 2pm on Sunday. I must admit, I really need this time away. I usually do not feel like I need a break. But honestly all this stuff with Madison has gotten me exhausted. I have come to the realization that most people will just NEVER get it. They will never understand what we deal with on a daily basis. That although she is a BEAUTIFUL young lady and can appear to be polite and soial she is ill. Her illness will not magically go away (unless God choses to heal her) she needs to take her meds and follow doctors orders. Right now she has chosen to do niether of these. I have had to make the most difficult decision so far and step out of the situation. I have to if there is a chance of saviing her future I can not be involved. The stress of it all the constant worry and heartache makes me that much more excited for this little weekend trip. Besides I get to spend quality kid free time with my cousins!! ;0)
Please pray for my travels and for my family here at home while I am gone. Love you all!

Tuesday, October 19, 2010

updates on the monsters

DOMINIQUE~ has been on tour again with a different band this time. By all reports he is having the time of his life! He and I had some good chats about his future and all its possibilities before he left. Hopefully he is thinking on those things while running around this beautiful country! I miss him and can not wait for him to come home and see his room We FINALLY got it all put back together from the flood! I hope he loves it!
MADISON~ I can honestly say I have no idea how my daughter is doing. She rarely calls. I am still very concerned but as I have said before my hands are tied and there is nothing I can do but wait and watch and PRAY!
ISAIAH~ has been loving school. I am not sure if he talks to anyone or has even made any friends but he is doing really well in all his classes and is always happy! His school is on fall break right now so no school for him until next Tuesday! He has been super helpful with the babies so far and we FINALLY got his and Lij's room put back together last night. Carpet came yesterday and with the help of Uncle Cowboy we moved them back in before bed! he is a happy boy now!!
ELIJAH~has been taking trumpet lessons at school and last night started piano lessons. He is so excited! LOVES LOVES LOVES it I know its only been one lesson but that boy has music in him just like Dominique so I am sure his love will just grow! He is doing very well in school, his only complaint seems to be he misses the art teacher who was transferred to a different school this year. He too is happy to be back in his room and is anxiously awaiting the addition of his 2 baseball players that will be going on the wall just as soon as I can get the help of someone more talented than me to put them up! ;0)
AMARIS~what fun she had a couple weeks ago on Paula's farm! She is a natural with the horses and just makes me wish even more that we lived on a farm! She would be in all her glory living on a farm! I guess we will have to both settle for visiting Miss Paula's family! now if I could only figure out a way to make her stop being bossy and fighting with Sam..... ;0)
SAMUEL~ loves being outdoors and will do just about anything to get out there! He is doing better in school and seems to really love it!
ZEPHAN~ gets on and off the school bus all by himself now! What progress! However I have noticed that his behaviors here at home have intensified since he has been going to school. Most days are QUITE CHALLENGING to say the least! We will be doing some testing at the regional child protection center in the next few weeks and hopefully learn some new strategies to help the little man out!
LITTLE E~ Yes, he is still with us. He has grown physically since he has been with us but he is also changing socially. He interacts more and loves to be hugged and held now! I love progress! I am still praying for his return to his family....

Friday, October 8, 2010

I am not sure when it happened that I became more keenly aware of random people around me. I am not sure I remember the day it changed. But it did. I know it did because I can no longer venture out into the world of errands, grocery shopping and such without being wrecked completely wrecked for the rest of the day simply by the sight of a fellow human being who appears to be less fortunate than I. I am not saying I am the fortunate soul nor am I claiming to be better than anyone. Its more of a self revelation. Take today for example:
I am standing in the check out line at the local Wal Mart. Suddenly this HORRIFIC smell blasts me in the face. So horrific that I begin to look around to find the source of it and try to remedy it in some way. What I found was a most pitiful sight. I do NOT mean this in a mean kind of way. I mean this in a heartbreaking wreck your soul for the day kind of way. I see shuffling down the aisle past me an elderly woman, completely covered in filth. No evidence of a recent bath, no evidence of a comb or brush coming near her head.clothing layered too thick and a few sizes too large. I saw the looks of horror and disbelief on the faces of others walking by and realized i must look the same. in that moment i felt regret for my reaction. Then it was my turn in line and the cashier apologizes....APOLOGIZES...for the presence of this woman. Really? She went on to explain that for 5 years at least this woman comes in to buy food for her cats. that this woman is "not quite right" that no one wants to wait on her because her smell lingers for EVER after she has gone. Then she told me that once a cashier followed this poor woman home to try and offer help. She has no one. A daughter who lives far away and wants nothing to do with her....she is an old lonely soul who obviously can not care for herself. Clothing saturated in urine belonging to both herself and the cats. No ability to even recognize the condition of her existence is poor at best. I have thought of this woman ALL DAY! I am sad for her. Sad that she is unable to care for herself or even see that she is in need of being cared FOR. I am sad that she is all alone in this world and sad that people shudder and turn away in disgust when they see her. I am disappointed in myself for merely watching. observing and not acting. What I could have done I do not know. How I could of made a difference will never be seen because all I did was stand frozen in the moment watching. I have prayed for her, for God to send an angel in human clothing to come along side her and take care of her.

Wednesday, October 6, 2010

letting go vacuums!

I am a mom. Mom to 8 children. I have been a mom for 20 years, 4 months and 7 days. This morning I woke after a fit filled nights sleep. I realized this morning although I have played with the concept for some time now. Like Dominique's senior year of high school. Or when he went off to live in the dorms for the first time. Or the first time I had to sit down and have the welcome to real life discussion. So I have visited this place of letting go before. I just chose not to stay. I would make quick necessary visits then go back to the comforts of 'home' where I can keep my children safe and make them successful, HAPPY, well adjusted young adults. But here lately, I have come to the place where I am forced to pack up the 'old mom' and move to letting go. I hate every minute of it. It is painful at times to see your child turn and head down the path you know is not right for them. Or to watch them make a decision you completely disagree with and you taught them NOT to behave in a way in which they suddenly behave. It is difficult when you know they are out there in the world doing things and showing the world a mirror reflection of yourself as the parent who raised them. It is most difficult for me to state my opinion, step back and watch. I always seem to state my opinion step back then jump right back in there and give more advice trying with all my might to sway their decision. Desperate to protect from the inevitable consequence and pain that I am sure will follow.
Right now I am struggling with letting go of my 2 oldest. Both in different ways, both have triumphs and successes along with the pain of failure and disappointment. Sometimes I am pleasantly surprised and sometimes I am deeply disappointed in the choices they make. I must take in a very deep breath and hold it...maybe in another 5 years I will have this letting go thing mastered and they will magically have the ability to seek and take counsel when making life altering decisions. I love my children and want all the best for each of them.
I am trying more every day to remember that I taught them all I could, gave them the foundation of faith and unconditional love. I pray over them and KNOW that they and their futures lie in the palm of God's hand. .

Monday, October 4, 2010

Painting painting painting is finally done....well all but a few minor details. Today I will attend to the details and go out to hunt down the carpet. Might I finally see the light at the end of our tunnel? I think we may be close to moving all the boys back into their rooms! Once I get them settled in to their rooms I will be moving the upstairs kids rooms around. I am hoping to be done by the weekend. Please-o-please let this happen! It seems that every time I 'plan' for the work to be done some crisis arises that consumes my days and the rooms sit untouched. I am on a roll and my mind is full of ideas to make the rooms more fun and more functional for each of them!

The end of the week and weekend were full of many things. We had court on Wednesday for Madison, I had to keep Isaiah home to help with kids and buses. Then Isaiah got sick and spent nearly 3 days in PJs and in bed. I am happy to report he is feeling much better now and should be back into the school routine tomorrow (good thing Mondays are no school days for him). Funny thing happened last night with Isaiah. He has been stubborn and refusing to even look at glasses adamantly declaring that the doctor is stupid and has no idea what he is talking about. We have had anger, crying, pouting the works over these crazy glasses. Last night after church Isaiah was teasing Big Elijah and put his glasses on. Isaiah stopped dead in his tracks. Looked around the room slowly. Just stood there expressionless. I said "can you see with Lij's glasses?" Isaiah said "everything is so bright and clear. By the way you need to vacuum!" HA! So I calmly asked if he now understands why we need to get him glasses. He matter-of-factly said "YEP. When can we go?" That simple. Why I didn't think of this sooner is beyond me! All he needed was proof and then he could come to terms with the outcome. He felt fine seeing the way he always has because to him it was normal! CRAZY! Needless to say I think we will do the glasses thing this week!
Friday was a no school day for everyone and no day care for me. I was planning something fun but Isaiah was still sick, so I planned a couple meetings and painted instead. It was a beautiful day and the kids were outdoors all day!
Saturday we got up early and finished the painting job then cleaned up and went to a really nice park for a birthday party. Dorothy Graham brought us her special fried chicken and some wonderful pies. Just because she loves us! She is one amazing lady!

Friday, October 1, 2010

I can hardly believe we are at conference time already! Its always a challenge to juggle all the kids conferences. I need to learn not to schedule back to back but rather leave a break between each one. Last night began with Amaris, and a student led conference followed up with a little one on one with me the teacher. I was bursting with PRIDE over watching Amaris lead her conference. Not only did she do an awesome job telling me all she has been doing in school but she looked so GROWN UP! When did that happen?? I think the part I loved the most was seeing the SPARKLE in her eyes as she spoke. She has made a 100% improvement from last year. Studying hard, participating in class, listening and following directions. Her grades are all A's and B's and we had ZERO behavior issues! I rewarded her with a trip to the book fair where she bought 2 new books!
Then I was off to Samuel's conference. And again I was SHOCKED at the vast improvement!! He has rocked it out this year. We still have a few minor things to work on but WOW! I was not expecting to hear such wonderful things! My favorite part of his conference was reading his very imaginative story all about dinosaurs. The couple things we are working on are so minor in comparison to the amount of progress he has made! Behavior has been so much better! I went directly to the book fair and had Big Elijah pick out a book for him as a reward. When I got home I made everyone in the house come to living room for the grand announcement. I told EVERYONE that Sam had a 100% perfect conference for the first time and that I am super super proud of him. I gave him the new book and he has not put it down since, I think he even slept with it last night! heeheehee!
The last conference of the night was Big Elijah. His was also student led. Lij is so shy about being in the center of attention but his teacher was WONDERFUL about helping him along and making him feel comfortable. Elijah has made huge improvements since the beginning of the year. At the beginning of the year they do little probes to see where the kids are in each area then just before conferences they repeat the probes. He had HUGE improvements in all areas! Every parent appreciates hearing how their child is doing in school both good and bad. I especially love to hear the good things (who wouldn't??) Lij's teacher said she is super proud of Lij for his good attitude, manners, respect, and excellent leadership qualities! He sat there blushing and stared at the table while she went on about how proud she was. My favorite part of his conference has nothing to do with it at all....I love how his cheeks get all rosey and he has this tiny bit of a smile just on one side when he hears people say nice things about him. Lij also got a trip to the book fair as his reward!
Amaris, Samuel and Lij.....I could not be happier with the way our conference night turned out! All 3 of you ROCKED IT OUT!! and I am super proud of all of you! LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE !!!!