Day 24
I am thankful for our social worker. She is an amazing woman who really understands what a foster family is and does. Working with her it is evident that the child is the most important part of the case to her. She will move heaven and earth, she will fight furiously to achieve the very best outcome possible for the child. As a foster parent I do not see this often. It makes my job as a foster mom a thousand times easier knowing that we have someone fighting for what is right and not necessarily what is easy. Her case load is unimaginable yet she treats each one of her families as if they were her only case. I know she carries the worries and sorrow, triumphs and tears home with her. She invests her whole heart into each child and it shows in everything she does! I am blessed to be able to work with her, thanks Monica!
Wednesday, November 24, 2010
Tuesday, November 23, 2010
I don't know how to do this. I don't know how to stop being her mom. I have been Madison's mom for over 16 years. If one more person tells me that I am not "really" her mom I think I may scream! Tell my heart that. Tell GOD that he chose the wrong woman to be her mom. God doesn't choose wrong does HE? He doesn't make mistakes. I don't understand why He chose me. Clearly I am not any good at it, but He must have seen something I don't see.
I know most people do not understand this. But I am being very serious when I say that I love all of my children the same. I may have to express it in different ways to meet each one of them in their own way but I do love them all. I can honestly say I do not love Isaiah any more than I love Madison or the others. I truly feel like I am going crazy.
I don't know how to mourn the loss of a daughter who is still alive. I don't know how to stop worrying, stop loving, stop trying to find ways to help make her life all it was meant to be. I don't know how to do this!!!!!! All I want to do is run and pack her stuff and bring her home and MAKE IT ALL BETTER. Why can't I make it better?? Why is that I can be of such help to other peoples children and fail so miserably at my own???
I have never been a person who was good at playing mind games, I don't hold grudges and I don't play with other peoples emotions. I don't understand people who do. I don't understand how I became surrounded by people who do.
I don't understand how I am supposed to turn and walk away as if she was never my daughter. How do I pretend the last 16+years never happened?
Please just tell me how am I supposed to do this??
It's like I now live 2 completely different lives. Life #1 I am happy, love all people and do my best to be all God asks me to be, through church activities and Dropz of Hope and Foster Care.... Life #2 I have panic attacks, can't breathe and cry all the time. When I am home and the world can not see I turn into this mess of emotions that I have no control over. Most people have no idea that it is a daily struggle to accomplish anything. In the morning I force myself out of bed to face the day. Its so hard to look at yourself in the mirror when you know you have failed your child. It is a struggle to smile and chat nicely with people, not because I don't like them or because I don't WANT to be nice but it is nearly impossible to smile laugh and enjoy life when inside your heart is shattered into pieces. At night I struggle to fall asleep because it is then in the dark hours of the night that all the failures flood my mind in pictures and sound. I sleep in fits of tossing turning and nightmares that when I wake are confirmed to be true and not imagined. I don't want to live 2 lives. I want me back. I never was this way. I could always say to anyone who asked if you pop over to my house at any time of the day or night you will find I am the same person there that I am everywhere. And now a shamefully hide this side of me because this side of me mourns deeply the losses and failures I have caused in my daughter.
Is there not one person in this crazy world who understands my heart?
To say Madison was never my daughter is to say Amaris is not either. The day I willingly walk away from ANY of my children will be the day I draw my last breath on this earth.
I know most people do not understand this. But I am being very serious when I say that I love all of my children the same. I may have to express it in different ways to meet each one of them in their own way but I do love them all. I can honestly say I do not love Isaiah any more than I love Madison or the others. I truly feel like I am going crazy.
I don't know how to mourn the loss of a daughter who is still alive. I don't know how to stop worrying, stop loving, stop trying to find ways to help make her life all it was meant to be. I don't know how to do this!!!!!! All I want to do is run and pack her stuff and bring her home and MAKE IT ALL BETTER. Why can't I make it better?? Why is that I can be of such help to other peoples children and fail so miserably at my own???
I have never been a person who was good at playing mind games, I don't hold grudges and I don't play with other peoples emotions. I don't understand people who do. I don't understand how I became surrounded by people who do.
I don't understand how I am supposed to turn and walk away as if she was never my daughter. How do I pretend the last 16+years never happened?
Please just tell me how am I supposed to do this??
It's like I now live 2 completely different lives. Life #1 I am happy, love all people and do my best to be all God asks me to be, through church activities and Dropz of Hope and Foster Care.... Life #2 I have panic attacks, can't breathe and cry all the time. When I am home and the world can not see I turn into this mess of emotions that I have no control over. Most people have no idea that it is a daily struggle to accomplish anything. In the morning I force myself out of bed to face the day. Its so hard to look at yourself in the mirror when you know you have failed your child. It is a struggle to smile and chat nicely with people, not because I don't like them or because I don't WANT to be nice but it is nearly impossible to smile laugh and enjoy life when inside your heart is shattered into pieces. At night I struggle to fall asleep because it is then in the dark hours of the night that all the failures flood my mind in pictures and sound. I sleep in fits of tossing turning and nightmares that when I wake are confirmed to be true and not imagined. I don't want to live 2 lives. I want me back. I never was this way. I could always say to anyone who asked if you pop over to my house at any time of the day or night you will find I am the same person there that I am everywhere. And now a shamefully hide this side of me because this side of me mourns deeply the losses and failures I have caused in my daughter.
Is there not one person in this crazy world who understands my heart?
To say Madison was never my daughter is to say Amaris is not either. The day I willingly walk away from ANY of my children will be the day I draw my last breath on this earth.
Monday, November 22, 2010
Day 22~
This morning I was thinking about what to write for my Thankful. I was reminded of Friday. And I knew I had to tell the story. Because even when I am frustrated, frazzled, upset and discouraged I am thankful it sometimes just takes a little nudge from God to remind me!
Friday was the big dinner for Dropz of Hope. I had my entire day planned out and knew exactly what I needed to get done and what the time line for the day needed to be. Then Scott decided to take the day off of work to fix the van. (which had started to act up on Wednesday.) I thought well, that's OK, then I can take his car to run errands and still be done in time to be at the church by no later than 3 to sort clothing for the families to look through. One thing after another kept happening and needless to say, I did not get things done the way I had intended. But, I was OK. Honest! until I got to the church and realized that we did not have enough food. I began to panic. We had 90 people coming for dinner and I honestly had no idea what to do. So I ditched the clothing and headed out to Wal Mart. In tears.
As I was running through the store trying to scramble and think of what I could buy that I could prepare in time, texting Nita to see if she had any ideas. I am sure I flew by people I know and didn't even see them. I was racing against the clock and frantic! I made it through the store in record time and began to search for the best fastest looking line. I settled into line # 9. Somehow I managed to cover my inner panic and chat with the gal who was checking me out. We made small talk and had a friendly little banter going. She wanting all my good food cuz she missed her lunch break to cover for another employee....when she asked what in the world I had bought so much for. I told her all about Dropz of Hope and the families who were coming for dinner. She got very quiet. I got nervous trying to figure out how I could have managed to offend her. When she looked me in the eye and said. :I just got my little boy back from foster care." I encouraged her told her I was proud of her and excited that she was able to get her son back! I told her that is EXACTLY why I am a foster parent, so that I can help be a part of reuniting a mother and her child!! Then she said something that completely shocked me.
She said, I think you might be the lady who helped my son when he was in foster care. The foster mom who took care of him used to take him to something like what you are talking about. They gave him clothes and all kinds of things. His foster mom has another boy who talks all the time about how much fun he has when he gets to go hang out with other foster kids. then she told me the foster mom's name, the other boy's name....and her son's name. And she was right. Dropz of Hope DID take care of her baby boy. In fact an entire community took care of him and loved him even when they did not know him. And because of that kind of Love, she was able to get her son back. She is doing GREAT now. And all she wanted was the opportunity to say thank you for loving her son.
As I walked out to the car with all the food I had frantically bought. My steps were considerably slower than before. I was in a much calmer state of mind. Pondering and praying. Thank you for reminding me that THIS is why we do what we do! To be the difference in the lives of the CHILDREN!
The dinner turned out amazing. We ended up with more than enough food. Everyone left with a smile bigger than the one they came with. I am THANKFUL seems so small to say for this moment. But I truly am!
This morning I was thinking about what to write for my Thankful. I was reminded of Friday. And I knew I had to tell the story. Because even when I am frustrated, frazzled, upset and discouraged I am thankful it sometimes just takes a little nudge from God to remind me!
Friday was the big dinner for Dropz of Hope. I had my entire day planned out and knew exactly what I needed to get done and what the time line for the day needed to be. Then Scott decided to take the day off of work to fix the van. (which had started to act up on Wednesday.) I thought well, that's OK, then I can take his car to run errands and still be done in time to be at the church by no later than 3 to sort clothing for the families to look through. One thing after another kept happening and needless to say, I did not get things done the way I had intended. But, I was OK. Honest! until I got to the church and realized that we did not have enough food. I began to panic. We had 90 people coming for dinner and I honestly had no idea what to do. So I ditched the clothing and headed out to Wal Mart. In tears.
As I was running through the store trying to scramble and think of what I could buy that I could prepare in time, texting Nita to see if she had any ideas. I am sure I flew by people I know and didn't even see them. I was racing against the clock and frantic! I made it through the store in record time and began to search for the best fastest looking line. I settled into line # 9. Somehow I managed to cover my inner panic and chat with the gal who was checking me out. We made small talk and had a friendly little banter going. She wanting all my good food cuz she missed her lunch break to cover for another employee....when she asked what in the world I had bought so much for. I told her all about Dropz of Hope and the families who were coming for dinner. She got very quiet. I got nervous trying to figure out how I could have managed to offend her. When she looked me in the eye and said. :I just got my little boy back from foster care." I encouraged her told her I was proud of her and excited that she was able to get her son back! I told her that is EXACTLY why I am a foster parent, so that I can help be a part of reuniting a mother and her child!! Then she said something that completely shocked me.
She said, I think you might be the lady who helped my son when he was in foster care. The foster mom who took care of him used to take him to something like what you are talking about. They gave him clothes and all kinds of things. His foster mom has another boy who talks all the time about how much fun he has when he gets to go hang out with other foster kids. then she told me the foster mom's name, the other boy's name....and her son's name. And she was right. Dropz of Hope DID take care of her baby boy. In fact an entire community took care of him and loved him even when they did not know him. And because of that kind of Love, she was able to get her son back. She is doing GREAT now. And all she wanted was the opportunity to say thank you for loving her son.
As I walked out to the car with all the food I had frantically bought. My steps were considerably slower than before. I was in a much calmer state of mind. Pondering and praying. Thank you for reminding me that THIS is why we do what we do! To be the difference in the lives of the CHILDREN!
The dinner turned out amazing. We ended up with more than enough food. Everyone left with a smile bigger than the one they came with. I am THANKFUL seems so small to say for this moment. But I truly am!
Day 21
I am thankful today for the many opportunities my children are given to serve others. Today the children worked alongside other kids from church and made Thanksgiving baskets for families. From Isaiah all the way down to little E. They all worked really hard carrying, sorting, and packing all the food. We had a lot of fun!! And they were rewarded with Pizza!
I am thankful today for the many opportunities my children are given to serve others. Today the children worked alongside other kids from church and made Thanksgiving baskets for families. From Isaiah all the way down to little E. They all worked really hard carrying, sorting, and packing all the food. We had a lot of fun!! And they were rewarded with Pizza!
Saturday, November 20, 2010
Day 20
Today I am thankful for Dominique. My firstborn....every frst mommy moment is wrapped around him both good and bad. He has always had such a sweet spirit. He has to be the most compassionate caring loving young man I know. He may not always make the choices I would want him to and he tends to be on the stubborn side too. But he brings sunshine to my days and reminds me that there is always good in this world.
Today I am thankful for Dominique. My firstborn....every frst mommy moment is wrapped around him both good and bad. He has always had such a sweet spirit. He has to be the most compassionate caring loving young man I know. He may not always make the choices I would want him to and he tends to be on the stubborn side too. But he brings sunshine to my days and reminds me that there is always good in this world.
Friday, November 19, 2010
Day 19
Day 19~ I am thankful for Madison. Through Madison I have learned many life lessons. She has an intense personality, she is very creative and absolutely the most girly of all girls I have ever met. I have learned to appreciate glitter sparkles and spinning dresses. I have learned patience, perseverance, and to wait. My faith has increased ten fold as I wait on the Lord to answer my prayers for her life. One day I know God will use ALL of this for amazing things through Madison.
end to the toxic tummies!
WOW! What a week!
It began with Burrito and quickly traveled through Isaiah, Samuel, and Amaris. Nasty toxic tummies! Some were hit hard and some not so hard. It seems the first and last got it the worst. But Thankfully I got little E out on an early weekend before he got it and Big Elijah has been spared the toxic tummies all together! WHEW! What a relief to have it over, I was beginning to get high off the fumes of Lysol and bleach. We have a very busy weekend and I don't want to miss one minute of it!
I pray no one else has to deal with this, its nasty stuff!
It began with Burrito and quickly traveled through Isaiah, Samuel, and Amaris. Nasty toxic tummies! Some were hit hard and some not so hard. It seems the first and last got it the worst. But Thankfully I got little E out on an early weekend before he got it and Big Elijah has been spared the toxic tummies all together! WHEW! What a relief to have it over, I was beginning to get high off the fumes of Lysol and bleach. We have a very busy weekend and I don't want to miss one minute of it!
I pray no one else has to deal with this, its nasty stuff!
Thursday, November 18, 2010
day 18
Day !8~ Isaiah
Hero: a man of distinguished courage or ability, admired for his brave deeds and noble qualities.
I am thankful for Isaiah. He truly is a hero to me. All the pain he experiences on a daily basis, all the hurdles and walls and limits medicine has placed around him since he was a small boy. His response has been nothing less than heroic. Isaiah never complains, never gets angry or sad or depressed. He never questions why. He is the definition of good character. God placed Isaiah here for very special purpose. I do not yet understand all the trials he has been forced to face but I do know that God loves him and created him specially and uniquely to fulfill a special purpose only he will be able to fill. I am thankful for the opportunity to learn from my son how to be more heroic every day!
Hero: a man of distinguished courage or ability, admired for his brave deeds and noble qualities.
I am thankful for Isaiah. He truly is a hero to me. All the pain he experiences on a daily basis, all the hurdles and walls and limits medicine has placed around him since he was a small boy. His response has been nothing less than heroic. Isaiah never complains, never gets angry or sad or depressed. He never questions why. He is the definition of good character. God placed Isaiah here for very special purpose. I do not yet understand all the trials he has been forced to face but I do know that God loves him and created him specially and uniquely to fulfill a special purpose only he will be able to fill. I am thankful for the opportunity to learn from my son how to be more heroic every day!
Wednesday, November 17, 2010
Day 17~
Elijah
When I was pregnant with Elijah on our first scheduled ultra sound the techs began to get flustered. Excused themselves from the room. Brought in specialists. The room filled with an eerie silence that I can still feel today if I think back on that day. The news was not good. our baby had deformed kidneys some sort of heart problem and a cyste that covered the entire surface of his brain. We were given pamphlets explaining the rare condition our baby was suffering from a business card for the "best" neonatologist in our area and we were told to go home research the condition and make an appointment with the specialist.
I walked out of the hospital that day feeling numb.
The next few days were filled with tears and prayers for my baby. I remember going to church and asking the prayer team to please anoint my belly because I wanted the anointing to get as close to my baby as possible.
Within a week we met with the specialist. He was matter of fact and very business like. He informed us that at best our baby might live a couple days. He strongly encouraged us to terminate the pregnancy. I let the doctor know in no uncertain terms that this child would not be terminated. What God saw fit to gift to us in the form of our child I would willingly and gladly take. He began to call our regular doctor and call me at home accusing me of being in denial and that I needed to focus on what was best for the baby. Finally after several weeks of phone calls I asked my doctor to call the specialist and let him know it was never OK for him to call me again. I had made my decision and was sticking to it.
We had 1 more ultrasound that confirmed 2 things 1 the devastating news was in fact true and we were having a boy. I secretly had wished for a girl and after my 1 moment of pouting began to talk to my son.
I continued to pray had people all over the world praying for my unborn son. It was leap year and February 29 was my due date. However Things happened quickly and we began to talk about inducing early. We tried mall walking with friends we tried spicy foods but none of those things worked. I checked into the hospital early in the morning of Feb 18 2000 in a snow storm ( I think there were 6 babies born that day named storm seriously!) Elijah came so fast I could not handle the delivery and lost a lot of blood, had a lot of complications. But all I was concerned about was my son. He was perfect. The stand by team was not needed, neonatal intensive care was not needed. He was perfectly healed and beautifully whole!
So today, on his turn instead of talking about his character or achievements I want to tell his miracle birth story. Because that is what I am most thankful for when I think of my Elijah.
Elijah
When I was pregnant with Elijah on our first scheduled ultra sound the techs began to get flustered. Excused themselves from the room. Brought in specialists. The room filled with an eerie silence that I can still feel today if I think back on that day. The news was not good. our baby had deformed kidneys some sort of heart problem and a cyste that covered the entire surface of his brain. We were given pamphlets explaining the rare condition our baby was suffering from a business card for the "best" neonatologist in our area and we were told to go home research the condition and make an appointment with the specialist.
I walked out of the hospital that day feeling numb.
The next few days were filled with tears and prayers for my baby. I remember going to church and asking the prayer team to please anoint my belly because I wanted the anointing to get as close to my baby as possible.
Within a week we met with the specialist. He was matter of fact and very business like. He informed us that at best our baby might live a couple days. He strongly encouraged us to terminate the pregnancy. I let the doctor know in no uncertain terms that this child would not be terminated. What God saw fit to gift to us in the form of our child I would willingly and gladly take. He began to call our regular doctor and call me at home accusing me of being in denial and that I needed to focus on what was best for the baby. Finally after several weeks of phone calls I asked my doctor to call the specialist and let him know it was never OK for him to call me again. I had made my decision and was sticking to it.
We had 1 more ultrasound that confirmed 2 things 1 the devastating news was in fact true and we were having a boy. I secretly had wished for a girl and after my 1 moment of pouting began to talk to my son.
I continued to pray had people all over the world praying for my unborn son. It was leap year and February 29 was my due date. However Things happened quickly and we began to talk about inducing early. We tried mall walking with friends we tried spicy foods but none of those things worked. I checked into the hospital early in the morning of Feb 18 2000 in a snow storm ( I think there were 6 babies born that day named storm seriously!) Elijah came so fast I could not handle the delivery and lost a lot of blood, had a lot of complications. But all I was concerned about was my son. He was perfect. The stand by team was not needed, neonatal intensive care was not needed. He was perfectly healed and beautifully whole!
So today, on his turn instead of talking about his character or achievements I want to tell his miracle birth story. Because that is what I am most thankful for when I think of my Elijah.
Tuesday, November 16, 2010
I have tried to refrain from posting about Madison ever since my thoughts caused problems. But I am in need of prayer. Urgent prayer!
Since there are only 17 people who are allowed to read this and all of you will pray please listen and understand that at the root of it all I love Madison and only want what is best for her.
Over the years we have had to take measures to protect Madison from choices her biological mother made. One of the decisions we along with Madison's doctors had to make when she was 16 years old was to cut contact and communication with her mother. It was a difficult decision to make but one that was necessary in order to protect Madison and to get her the hep she needed and continues to need.
Fast forward to the present time....Madison is 18 and considered to be a competent adult. I understand. I am also supposed to stand back and watch her make decisions. I understand that. She has chosen to live with a relative who does not understand mental illness and does not know the truth about Madison's history. This person also refuses to listen when we try to explain things. That said....here is my prayer need...Madison's aunt has made friends with Madison's mother on Facebook. which, in a perfect world should not be a big deal, except for the fact that her mother has no idea what has been going on with Madison since she was 16. I am afraid that Madison's Aunt will get her in contact with her Mother and then the progress Madison has begun to make will unravel. Making a relationship with her Mother at this time in her healing is a very BAD idea. Lord, Please I am begging You now to protect Madison protect her heart. Be with her now and let her feel Your presence fill her up and let her feel your arms around her. Lord also PLEASE open her aunts heart and mind so she may see the truth and realize what is truly best for Madison. Also I would ask that You touch her Mothers heart. soften it and allow her to see with Your eyes what has been done to her daughter and help her to make things right not only with You but also someday with Madison. AMEN
Since there are only 17 people who are allowed to read this and all of you will pray please listen and understand that at the root of it all I love Madison and only want what is best for her.
Over the years we have had to take measures to protect Madison from choices her biological mother made. One of the decisions we along with Madison's doctors had to make when she was 16 years old was to cut contact and communication with her mother. It was a difficult decision to make but one that was necessary in order to protect Madison and to get her the hep she needed and continues to need.
Fast forward to the present time....Madison is 18 and considered to be a competent adult. I understand. I am also supposed to stand back and watch her make decisions. I understand that. She has chosen to live with a relative who does not understand mental illness and does not know the truth about Madison's history. This person also refuses to listen when we try to explain things. That said....here is my prayer need...Madison's aunt has made friends with Madison's mother on Facebook. which, in a perfect world should not be a big deal, except for the fact that her mother has no idea what has been going on with Madison since she was 16. I am afraid that Madison's Aunt will get her in contact with her Mother and then the progress Madison has begun to make will unravel. Making a relationship with her Mother at this time in her healing is a very BAD idea. Lord, Please I am begging You now to protect Madison protect her heart. Be with her now and let her feel Your presence fill her up and let her feel your arms around her. Lord also PLEASE open her aunts heart and mind so she may see the truth and realize what is truly best for Madison. Also I would ask that You touch her Mothers heart. soften it and allow her to see with Your eyes what has been done to her daughter and help her to make things right not only with You but also someday with Madison. AMEN
This morning I woke with a sadness I could not explain or comprehend. I tried in the shower. I tried while getting ready. Praying the entire way through each task I have accomplished this morning and have found no reasoning for this melancholy mood. Then as I was making hot chocolate for the kids a song from the kids musical popped in my head and slowly I feel the mood lifting. Thank you Ms Shelley for ministering to me through my children!
Call His name Jesus from the musical Angel Alert:
Call His name Jesus, our God is with us. He'll save His people from sin.
Call His name Jesus, the name that frees us. He will redeem those who put trust in Him.
Call His name Jesus, our God is with us. Lift up your voice, give Him praise!
Call His name Jesus, the name that frees us. Call His name Jesus, what a wonderful name!
Wonderful Counselor, Almighty God. He is the Prince of Peace, He is the King of Kings, our Lord Jesus Christ. Our Shepherd, our Savior, Redeemer and Friend, the Son of the Highest, Our Lord, Jesus Christ.
I even put it on my IPod this morning to remind me...
Call His name Jesus from the musical Angel Alert:
Call His name Jesus, our God is with us. He'll save His people from sin.
Call His name Jesus, the name that frees us. He will redeem those who put trust in Him.
Call His name Jesus, our God is with us. Lift up your voice, give Him praise!
Call His name Jesus, the name that frees us. Call His name Jesus, what a wonderful name!
Wonderful Counselor, Almighty God. He is the Prince of Peace, He is the King of Kings, our Lord Jesus Christ. Our Shepherd, our Savior, Redeemer and Friend, the Son of the Highest, Our Lord, Jesus Christ.
I even put it on my IPod this morning to remind me...
catching up on my thankfuls
Day 12~ It was raining on Friday I had a garage full of donations for Dropz of Hope. Donations that were scattered and had absolutely no order to them at all. Scott has been wanting his side of the garage back for some time now (since the flood in July) I knew I had to get to work. Days when I have not sweet toddlers running about "helping" are few and far between. But I had a hard time rounding up the motivation to trek out in the rain and cold to get the job done. Nita came out and together we got the job done! WHEW! and......we made a new friend Paula in the process (thanks Pastor Lori for sending that angel our way!)
Day 13~ Saturday our family went with the Royal Rangers and Girls Ministries from church to fill bags of beans for Convoy of Hope. What a blessing it was to spend a couple hours with kids from all over the state preparing food to go all over the world to feed hungry people! for more info about Convoy of Hope go to convoyofhope.org
Day 14~ Saturday evening I took Lij to see Annie Junior at the local community theater. One of the girls in the show is in my Sunday School class and a friend of mine had all 3 of her kids in the show! When I walked in to the theater I stopped dead in my tracks. I wasn't quite sure what to do. Should I turn and leave? should I go in and hope not to have a confrontation? should I go in and HIDE? I said a quick prayer of rescue and direction and proceeded in. Thank God He protected us from a scene. You see the foster mom who had Zephan before he came to us was working in the theater. One of her children was in the show. It is difficult for me to see this woman who did not take proper care of him before he came to us. There is so much more to Zephan's story than what I can comfortably write here but I am so thankful God rescued him and delivered him to my heart and home. I was reminded of where he could have been and my heart filled with thanks to God!
Day 15 & 16 ~ I am thankful that God chose me to be Sam and Amaris's forever Mama. They arrived on Fathers Day 2003. Frail, scared, and very sick. Over the years they have had to endure a lot of pain emotionally and some physically. God knew they belonged with us and after 23 months of trying to heal their biological family God chose us to become their forever family. I am blessed to be able to see all the healing and growth that has happened and continues to happen in their lives!
Day 13~ Saturday our family went with the Royal Rangers and Girls Ministries from church to fill bags of beans for Convoy of Hope. What a blessing it was to spend a couple hours with kids from all over the state preparing food to go all over the world to feed hungry people! for more info about Convoy of Hope go to convoyofhope.org
Day 14~ Saturday evening I took Lij to see Annie Junior at the local community theater. One of the girls in the show is in my Sunday School class and a friend of mine had all 3 of her kids in the show! When I walked in to the theater I stopped dead in my tracks. I wasn't quite sure what to do. Should I turn and leave? should I go in and hope not to have a confrontation? should I go in and HIDE? I said a quick prayer of rescue and direction and proceeded in. Thank God He protected us from a scene. You see the foster mom who had Zephan before he came to us was working in the theater. One of her children was in the show. It is difficult for me to see this woman who did not take proper care of him before he came to us. There is so much more to Zephan's story than what I can comfortably write here but I am so thankful God rescued him and delivered him to my heart and home. I was reminded of where he could have been and my heart filled with thanks to God!
Day 15 & 16 ~ I am thankful that God chose me to be Sam and Amaris's forever Mama. They arrived on Fathers Day 2003. Frail, scared, and very sick. Over the years they have had to endure a lot of pain emotionally and some physically. God knew they belonged with us and after 23 months of trying to heal their biological family God chose us to become their forever family. I am blessed to be able to see all the healing and growth that has happened and continues to happen in their lives!
Thursday, November 11, 2010
Day # 11
I was standing in the driveway this morning waiting for Burrito's bus thinking about which blessing I was going to write about this morning. As I was standing there I could see the mist of the fog dancing in the rays of the sun who was desperately trying to shine. And I thought about how amazing God is to remind me on mornings like this how much He loves me. He loves me so much that He gives me little reminders in His beautiful artwork in the sky and all around me. In the way the dew stands up dimensionally on the blade of grass, or the way the leaves gracefully float to earth after turning majestic shades of fall. Or the way the birds and crickets form a symphony of sound that is soothing to my ears. I needed a reminder today. I was grumpy. Had a rough morning and was feeling down about a lot of things. The beauty He showed me through the misty morning air reminded me that He loves me. I am thankful for the ability to see hear and experience the glory of God's creation.
Wednesday, November 10, 2010
Day # 10
Today as I was getting ready for the day I thought back over the past couple years for Isaiah. Isaiah LOVES school. He loves his friends. But because of his "cautiously stable" state of health has been unable to attend public school since 6th grade. Last year we noticed him retreating back into he protective shell he creates around himself. He stopped talking to people unless he had to, he stopped looking in your face when he was talking to you, he spent more and more time alone in his room, happy and content alone with his legos and Risk games. Don't get me wrong he was NOT depressed or pitiful. Quite the opposite actually. He is happy to be alone. The problem I saw was that he was not learning how to be with people, how to interact socially and he was growing more and more uncomfortable in social settings. And so began my search for a small school to enroll him.
I found Heritage Christian Academy in Des Moines, it is perfect for him. In the upper learning center )7th-12th grades) there are 20 students. The only obstacle we had in our way was transportation. His start time is the same as our bus pick up for the elementary plus Zephan started preschool and his bus picks him up at 810 every morning. Thanks to the generosity of my mother, Isaiah has a ride to school every day! She comes every morning at 745 and takes him to school. What a blessing for Isaiah and for me to watch him grow and mature and make new friends!
I found Heritage Christian Academy in Des Moines, it is perfect for him. In the upper learning center )7th-12th grades) there are 20 students. The only obstacle we had in our way was transportation. His start time is the same as our bus pick up for the elementary plus Zephan started preschool and his bus picks him up at 810 every morning. Thanks to the generosity of my mother, Isaiah has a ride to school every day! She comes every morning at 745 and takes him to school. What a blessing for Isaiah and for me to watch him grow and mature and make new friends!
Tuesday, November 9, 2010
Day #8 & 9
Day # 8~
Broken. That is a perfect description of my he. my heart. my life.
You may think it strange that I would be thankful for such a state. Living and breathing in a state of complete and utter brokenness has brought about several things in my life. I have learned I have friends who are closer than family. Through my brokenness I can see more clearly the fractures in others lives and have the urges to reach out and mend them. More than these. I have been reminded that in my brokenness God weeps with me. In my heartache He weeps. In all my pain and loneliness God WEEPS. He weeps with me and for me. Because He LOVES me that much. It is that unconditional never changing always there love that I am so thankful for today!
Day #9~
Today I am thankful for the Lovely Beautiful 70+ weather we have been blessed with this early November. Much more pleasant than blustery cold that we had last year at this time. We have been taking Full advantage of the weather and raked leaves, cleaned gutters, washed all the windows and screens. Love being outdoors and getting fresh air!
Broken. That is a perfect description of my he. my heart. my life.
You may think it strange that I would be thankful for such a state. Living and breathing in a state of complete and utter brokenness has brought about several things in my life. I have learned I have friends who are closer than family. Through my brokenness I can see more clearly the fractures in others lives and have the urges to reach out and mend them. More than these. I have been reminded that in my brokenness God weeps with me. In my heartache He weeps. In all my pain and loneliness God WEEPS. He weeps with me and for me. Because He LOVES me that much. It is that unconditional never changing always there love that I am so thankful for today!
Day #9~
Today I am thankful for the Lovely Beautiful 70+ weather we have been blessed with this early November. Much more pleasant than blustery cold that we had last year at this time. We have been taking Full advantage of the weather and raked leaves, cleaned gutters, washed all the windows and screens. Love being outdoors and getting fresh air!
Monday, November 8, 2010
Dropz of Hope and a new 'tude
I have been thinking and praying a lot lately for the direction Dropz of Hope is taking. Wondering why are we growing and serving more families each month but yet still are unable to secure an attorney to complete our 501 C3 and allow us to tap into the many resources out there. Wondering if the hold up is my hesitation God's hesitation or maybe lack of courage on my part....I don't really know the answer maybe a little of all the above.
This weekend was World Missions weekend at our church. As I was praying and preparing for our children's banquet, and as I was sitting in the services on Sunday a thought occurred to me. One I had never entertained before. I am still praying through this and trying to hear God speak to me. Clearly what I heard last night and the night before and before that on Friday morning during my devotions was this:
You are a missionary.
Me? I am a missionary? I have no training, no bible college education, no endorsements. How is that??
You are a missionary.
I am not in a foreign country saving starving people of devastating circumstances of their lives. How is that??
You are a missionary.
As I sat in service last night. The thought repeated like a broken record. Throughout the time of the speaker talking about Rural Missions in the US. I kept feeling these words being dropped into my heart. You Are A Missionary.
Maybe I am.
This weekend was World Missions weekend at our church. As I was praying and preparing for our children's banquet, and as I was sitting in the services on Sunday a thought occurred to me. One I had never entertained before. I am still praying through this and trying to hear God speak to me. Clearly what I heard last night and the night before and before that on Friday morning during my devotions was this:
You are a missionary.
Me? I am a missionary? I have no training, no bible college education, no endorsements. How is that??
You are a missionary.
I am not in a foreign country saving starving people of devastating circumstances of their lives. How is that??
You are a missionary.
As I sat in service last night. The thought repeated like a broken record. Throughout the time of the speaker talking about Rural Missions in the US. I kept feeling these words being dropped into my heart. You Are A Missionary.
Maybe I am.
Day #6 & 7
I had a weekend, so I am posting Day #6 and 7 in one post.
DAY#6
I am thankful that I was given the honor privilege and opportunity to partner with Iowa Kids Net to raise awareness for children in foster/group/residential care waiting for adoption. These children truly are my very heartbeat!
Day #7
I am thankful for friends. Friends have become my family. My children have not been given the opportunity to grow up with cousins, aunts, uncles and grandparents all around as I did. Over the years we have built relationships and friendships who have become like family to us. They love our children as if they were theirs. A friend last night at church just knew instinctively what I needed and with out words or expression acted on that instinct and was there for me just like a sister would have been. I am blessed.
DAY#6
I am thankful that I was given the honor privilege and opportunity to partner with Iowa Kids Net to raise awareness for children in foster/group/residential care waiting for adoption. These children truly are my very heartbeat!
Day #7
I am thankful for friends. Friends have become my family. My children have not been given the opportunity to grow up with cousins, aunts, uncles and grandparents all around as I did. Over the years we have built relationships and friendships who have become like family to us. They love our children as if they were theirs. A friend last night at church just knew instinctively what I needed and with out words or expression acted on that instinct and was there for me just like a sister would have been. I am blessed.
Friday, November 5, 2010
Balloon Launch
Tomorrow is a very important day for me. Dropz of Hope is partnering with Iowa Kids Net to celebrate National Adoption Month. Dropz of Hope is coordinating a site for the statewide balloon launch to raise awareness about children in foster care and those waiting to be adopted into their Forever Family.
There are aproximately 127,000 children in the United Sates who are waiting to be adopted from foster care. Many of these children will wait as long as 5 years for a forever family to choose them. Five years may as well be a life time to a child. Over 29,000 children will reach the age of 18 and age out of foster care without ever finding their forever family.
Tomorrow we will be launching 40 balloons, each balloon represents aproxiamtely 100 children in foster care, shelter care or highly structured group care on any given day. Iowa especially is in need of homes for teenagers, children with special needs or behavioral needs, and sibling groups. Iowa also is in great need for Latino, African American and Native American foster and foster/adopt homes. If you have extra room in your heart and extra space in your home please consider contacting Iowa Kids Net and ask about becoming a foster family. 1-800-243-0756 or visit their web site iowakidsnet.com
In the mean time, come out tomorrow to the Berean Assembly of God north parking lot and show your love and support to the children, they are amazing kids and deserve all the best!
Thank you Iowa Kids Net for allowing Dropz of Hoipe to participate in this event! We are truly HONORED!!!
There are aproximately 127,000 children in the United Sates who are waiting to be adopted from foster care. Many of these children will wait as long as 5 years for a forever family to choose them. Five years may as well be a life time to a child. Over 29,000 children will reach the age of 18 and age out of foster care without ever finding their forever family.
Tomorrow we will be launching 40 balloons, each balloon represents aproxiamtely 100 children in foster care, shelter care or highly structured group care on any given day. Iowa especially is in need of homes for teenagers, children with special needs or behavioral needs, and sibling groups. Iowa also is in great need for Latino, African American and Native American foster and foster/adopt homes. If you have extra room in your heart and extra space in your home please consider contacting Iowa Kids Net and ask about becoming a foster family. 1-800-243-0756 or visit their web site iowakidsnet.com
In the mean time, come out tomorrow to the Berean Assembly of God north parking lot and show your love and support to the children, they are amazing kids and deserve all the best!
Thank you Iowa Kids Net for allowing Dropz of Hoipe to participate in this event! We are truly HONORED!!!
Day #5
I am thankful for the laughter of children.
Hearing a child laugh a good belly laugh followed by uncontrollable giggles fills my heart to overflowing! Not just the laughter of my children but to witness the pure elation and delight of a child whose funny bone has been tickled makes me giggle too!
Hearing a child laugh a good belly laugh followed by uncontrollable giggles fills my heart to overflowing! Not just the laughter of my children but to witness the pure elation and delight of a child whose funny bone has been tickled makes me giggle too!
Thursday, November 4, 2010
Day #4
Day #4 I am thankful for the women in my life who I look to for wisdom guidance love understanding and sometimes correction.
Many years ago I came across a greeting card that put into words how I feel in my heart about the women who have influenced my life. I can't remember if I have posted this before but no matter, it is definitely worthy of re-posting today. I am not sure I would be able to name the women who have influenced and continue to influence my journey as a woman, mother, wife and friend.
PRAISE TO THE WOMEN ON MY JOURNEY
By: Rev. Melissa M. Bowers
To the women on my journey
Who showed me the way to go and ways not to go,
Whose strength and compassion held up a torch of light and beckoned me to follow…
To the women on my journey
Who showed me how to live and not to live,
Whose grace, success and gratitude lifted me into the fullness of surrender to God…
To the women on my journey
Who showed me what I am and what I am not,
Whose love, encouragement and confidence Held me tenderly and nudged me gently…
To these women I say bless you and thank you
From the depths of my heart,
For I have been healed and set free
Through your joy and through your sacrifice.
I am grateful for the blessing you are to me.
Many years ago I came across a greeting card that put into words how I feel in my heart about the women who have influenced my life. I can't remember if I have posted this before but no matter, it is definitely worthy of re-posting today. I am not sure I would be able to name the women who have influenced and continue to influence my journey as a woman, mother, wife and friend.
PRAISE TO THE WOMEN ON MY JOURNEY
By: Rev. Melissa M. Bowers
To the women on my journey
Who showed me the way to go and ways not to go,
Whose strength and compassion held up a torch of light and beckoned me to follow…
To the women on my journey
Who showed me how to live and not to live,
Whose grace, success and gratitude lifted me into the fullness of surrender to God…
To the women on my journey
Who showed me what I am and what I am not,
Whose love, encouragement and confidence Held me tenderly and nudged me gently…
To these women I say bless you and thank you
From the depths of my heart,
For I have been healed and set free
Through your joy and through your sacrifice.
I am grateful for the blessing you are to me.
Day #3
Day #3
I had little time for computers yesterday since I was running from the time I woke til the time I went to bed. So here is Nov. 3 2010 thankful....
Daily talks with Gramma. Many years ago when Dad was sick and dying I began the daily routine of talking to Gramma every morning. What a way to start the day. Nearly every morning (there are a few scattered here and there where we miss for one reason or another) I call her around 9am. Our conversations can last a few minutes to just check in and see how we are or can last nearly an hour as we encourage each other, give advice, cry and just plain love on each other. I often think what will I do when she is no longer here for our morning talks? Then I quickly dismiss the thought and savor each moment we have now. I love my Gramma very much, and somehow through her and our daily chats my Dad feels a little closer.
I had little time for computers yesterday since I was running from the time I woke til the time I went to bed. So here is Nov. 3 2010 thankful....
Daily talks with Gramma. Many years ago when Dad was sick and dying I began the daily routine of talking to Gramma every morning. What a way to start the day. Nearly every morning (there are a few scattered here and there where we miss for one reason or another) I call her around 9am. Our conversations can last a few minutes to just check in and see how we are or can last nearly an hour as we encourage each other, give advice, cry and just plain love on each other. I often think what will I do when she is no longer here for our morning talks? Then I quickly dismiss the thought and savor each moment we have now. I love my Gramma very much, and somehow through her and our daily chats my Dad feels a little closer.
Tuesday, November 2, 2010
Day #2
Day #2~ I am thankful for the right to vote and the freedom to have my voice heard.
I will not pretend to be an expert in politics nor will I claim to be a great debater of issues. I am, however, GRATEFUL for the right to express my opinion in the polls. To have the right for my tiny voice to be heard and counted on issues that are dear to my heart and will affect the lives of my children. Thankful to live in this country where my voice counts. When I was standing in line today waiting my turn I was thinking of something my Dad always said. "If you vote you give yourself the right to have an opinion if you don't vote then your remove your own rights. No one else did that to you. So I vote. every election. I want to count. I want my voice to be heard. I have heard people say "vote is just 1. what difference will that make?" I was thinking about that today. What difference? Probly not much all alone. But you add that to another who feels the same way and another and another then pretty soon we are all standing around wondering what happened to our town, state, country....if more people took the time to educate themselves on the elections and took the 15 minutes it takes to vote...maybe we would all be a little better off. Maybe.
I will not pretend to be an expert in politics nor will I claim to be a great debater of issues. I am, however, GRATEFUL for the right to express my opinion in the polls. To have the right for my tiny voice to be heard and counted on issues that are dear to my heart and will affect the lives of my children. Thankful to live in this country where my voice counts. When I was standing in line today waiting my turn I was thinking of something my Dad always said. "If you vote you give yourself the right to have an opinion if you don't vote then your remove your own rights. No one else did that to you. So I vote. every election. I want to count. I want my voice to be heard. I have heard people say "vote is just 1. what difference will that make?" I was thinking about that today. What difference? Probly not much all alone. But you add that to another who feels the same way and another and another then pretty soon we are all standing around wondering what happened to our town, state, country....if more people took the time to educate themselves on the elections and took the 15 minutes it takes to vote...maybe we would all be a little better off. Maybe.
November 1, 2010
I started this thing on Facebook the 31 days of Thankfulness and have decided to continue it here as well.
I realize today is really Nov. 2 but I am posting one for yesterday and then a new post for today. I LOVE counting my blessings!
So Nov. 1, 2010 I am thankful for Dropz of Hope and the amazing opportunity God has laid before me to serve awesome foster families in central Iowa. I meet some of the most incredible people along this journey. God is faithful even during the moments of uncertainty for Dropz He always comes through bigger and better than I expected. I love the look in the eye of a foster mother when I deliver a crib for the new little baby she just picked up from the hospital and had no idea where he would sleep. Or the look on the face of 10 year old girl who was removed from school and was able to take nothing along with her when I give her new clothes and a jacket that actually LOOK like all the other kids at school PRICELESS. Or the look on the face of the little boy who was able to play baseball for the first time ever because Dropz of Hope paid the league fee and had ball pants in the perfect size....the heartfelt gratitude in the eyes of the children and the foster parents when we are able to meet a need or lend an ear or provide respite and support just when they need it the most.
Lord, What an HONOR to serve You through Dropz of Hope. Thank you for trusting me with these children and their families!
I realize today is really Nov. 2 but I am posting one for yesterday and then a new post for today. I LOVE counting my blessings!
So Nov. 1, 2010 I am thankful for Dropz of Hope and the amazing opportunity God has laid before me to serve awesome foster families in central Iowa. I meet some of the most incredible people along this journey. God is faithful even during the moments of uncertainty for Dropz He always comes through bigger and better than I expected. I love the look in the eye of a foster mother when I deliver a crib for the new little baby she just picked up from the hospital and had no idea where he would sleep. Or the look on the face of 10 year old girl who was removed from school and was able to take nothing along with her when I give her new clothes and a jacket that actually LOOK like all the other kids at school PRICELESS. Or the look on the face of the little boy who was able to play baseball for the first time ever because Dropz of Hope paid the league fee and had ball pants in the perfect size....the heartfelt gratitude in the eyes of the children and the foster parents when we are able to meet a need or lend an ear or provide respite and support just when they need it the most.
Lord, What an HONOR to serve You through Dropz of Hope. Thank you for trusting me with these children and their families!
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