abnormal

Abnormal is never the word one would like to hear when listening to a voicemail from a doctors office giving you results of recent testing. I don't know about you but I kind of stop listening after those words are uttered.
Its funny I had no anxiety going in for the test. No anxiety waiting for the call or letter with results. I had no reason to believe there would be anything other than an all clear call. Until that afternoon when I listened to my messages and heard the words....your mammogram was abnormal please call as soon as possible to discuss next steps and set an appointment.
I went in for the next round of testing and still didn't really feel any anxiety. I felt familiar. Which is not necessarily a good place to be. But I did.  I was supposed to hear back that same day by 4pm but didn't get the call until the following afternoon.
I didn't realize I was tense and holding my breath until I heard the voice on the other end of the line saying you are clear, what the first test picked up on was scar tissue....
So many thoughts ran through my mind during those 48 hours. I settled on one. For years I have wanted a voluntary double mastectomy. This has nothing but make that desire stronger. So much so that I am looking for a doctor who would be willing to do this for me. I know a lot of women and many men place a great amount of importance on a woman's breasts. I just don't see it that way. I view them as a health hazard waiting to happen and would prefer to have a healthy long life. NOT shadowed over by the cloud of cancer, AGAIN.
I am the caregiver. If I got sic again who in the world would take care of not only me but also all those I take care of....

So Amaris has decided she wants to try curly hair for pictures this week. I bought some curlers at Walmart Yesterday. I rolled her hair after her shower last night, she slept on them and I took them out this morning. I thought it would be wise to practice on a NON Picture day.....

Last night...

Holy Cow those are some curls!!

HAHAHA!!

After some spray and a little messing around I got those crazy curls to behave....

a little....

 

 

special moments...

So the Burrito woke up before the sun on his first day of school. Filled to the top of his little head with excitement that he was finally riding the big bus with Sam. after having been up for 2 hours already he was asking repeatedly how long til the bus comes??? when my reply was at least an hour this is the face I saw:

 

I found this awesome treasure in Burrito's back pack. When I asked him about it he told me he drew a picture of him and Sam in the hall at school. I asked why?? he said welp cuz that was the best part of my day!

Visit to Kindergarten

After Lunch and putting the babies down for naps (don't worry, Isaiah was babysitting) Daddy and Mommy took Burrito to visit his Kindergarten class and meet is awesome teacher!

Mrs. Perry showing Burrito where his Nap-mat is stored.

Burrito found his table spot ALL BY HIMSELF!

Daddy and Burrito taking the tour of the school.

Meeting the very important secretary (whom we love very much!!) Mrs. Miller.

Sneaking a peak into Sam's class....Sam even came to the door and gave Burrito a hug!

Love the new relationship forming between these 2 boys!

Story time. The Kissing Hand is a favorite in this house!

Making a Kissing Hand for mommy and Daddy.

Working on his I am Special paper!

This is the door to his room! He is very proud!

Pointing at his name on the bulletin board in the hall outside his classroom!

Ready or not Kindergarten starts Tuesday!

First Day traditions!

One of our first day traditions (the kids HATE this one) I take their picture Right after I wake them up singing the happy first day song! Lij wakes up very early gets all ready then falls asleep on the couch while he waits for his breakfast so he kind of cheats. :)

Good Morning Amaris!

Nice morning stretch Sam!

 

Burrito woke up WAY early I did not even come close to the chance of waking him up Silly Boy!

 

this tradition is a favorite since Dominique went to kindergarten!

The kids get to pick whatever they want for breakfast. anything. no rules.

Lij: toast and a chocolate milkshake to begin 8th grade

Amaris: a homemade egg mcmuffin and chocolate milkshake to begin 7th grade.

Samuel: Cheese Pizza and Strawberry milkshake WITH sprinkles to begin 5th grade.

Burrito: cookie cereal, crunch and much, a go-gurt and hot chocolate to begin Kindergarten.

I must add here that Dominique is very disappointed that these guys do not take full advantage of the NO RULES part of this tradition, its not quite as fun preparing normal food for this breakfast. So I have to agree with Dominique on this one!

 

A new school year.

Where has the summer gone? I swear I blinked my eyes and we went from Memorial Day to the first day of school while my eyes were still closed! Beginning a new school year is always a little bitter sweet for me. I am always excited to see my children blossom a little more with each new year. Form relationships, grow, gain academic strength and make friends. This year was a little more bitter than sweet for me.
Sassy Pants is still not back home where she belongs yet, so as the children were all very excited and nervous for this new year Sassy is still away and struggling. We are working hard to change this but it will be a long slow process.
I worked part time all summer and felt like I missed everything, even wen I wasn't working we were catching up on house stuff so it never really felt like a summer vacation to me. (sadface)
I am becoming more and more of a fan of the year round schooling plan for so many reasons more/shorter breaks through out the year would be good, at least for me and my children.
It always makes me sad to see my children struggle. Transitions are difficult for some of my children so the week leading into the beginning of a new school year is rough in this house. Anxiety levels rise. therefore behaviors and attitudes do as well. I try to be understanding but in the heat of the moment when an irrational upset ranting preteen is crying and unable to focus or listen it is extremely difficult to look in that sweet face I love so much and reflect love and understanding back. I am working on it, and hope I am better today than in the past.
Thankfully, the older kiddos who were stressed out experienced few bumps in the road of the first 2 days and have found the transition was not so bad after all. WHEW! happy to dodge that bullet!
I have been stressed out over Burrito starting kindergarten. He had a better transition into childrens ministries at church tan any of expected which gave me a glimmer of hope that he just might be able to pull it off. But lets face it, childrens ministries is very different than a full day of school away from home and surrounded by people he doesn't know or trust yet. All my worries float through my mind as I lay in bed trying to sleep at night.
Tuesday was his first full day of Kindergarten. He has an awesome teacher. I am not worried at tall that she will protect him and keep him safe and love on him.
he was up bright and early before 6am which made waiting for an 835am bus a little challenging. We did our special routine, first day of school breakfast whateveryouwantnomatterwhatitis got dressed in his brand new outfit that was hanging in the closet back pack on prayed up and ready to go. All before 7am. Trying to keep him contained for an hour and half was difficult to say the least! (today he was up BEFORE 5am!!! What?!?!
We talked about the book his teacher read about the Racoon and his mother and their Kissing Hand. We exchanged Kissing Hands (not like Isaiah and Elijah did when they were in Kindergarten, ours are INVISIBLE!) We made our way outdoors to wait for the bus (and take a couple pictures) HA! He was NOT having a photo shoot I barely got 3 pictures taken. The bus arrived and he lined up with all the big kids and off he went.
As I walked in the house I whispered a prayer over my Burrito. So hard sometimes for a Momma to let her babies go. This was one of those times for sure.
I was sitting outdoors waiting for him after school (no I did not sit there all day waiting HA! I actually went to the doctor and to work)
He had a god day from what we can gather what he was really interested in more than anything was getting his cleats and ball glove and playing baseball in the back yard! Poor little guy missed his freedom. He did declare that he has no friends when asked why he said the boys don't like him but all the girls do.....OH DEAR! I hope this is not an indication of things to come! He is way too young for this business!
The evening went down hill faster than a locomotive barreling own the tracks! HOLY COW! We had a tantrum that went strong for nearly 2 hours, we had several mini meltdowns and he was CRASHED on the couch by 8. Poor guy. It is a lot of work holding it together all day long at school, he just could NOT do it one minute longer. TRANSITIONS STINK! I hate them!
Heres to a better day today!

Elijah 8th Grade/Amaris 7th Grade

Samuel 5th Grade

Burrito's visit to Kindergarten

Burrito Kindergarten

still small voice

I write this with a heavy but oddly grateful  heart.
I am not able to go into detail here because I love and respect many people whose lives have been affected by a tragic situation. A situation where another individual decided they had the power to take innocence and power away from others who had placed their trust in them. I have been physically ill since learning of this horrible event.
Gratefulness comes in when I realized this was the very same individual I had trusted with some of my own children. Grateful tat I listened to that voice inside of me that screamed this individual is not OK. And even though I had no valid reason besides the feeling rooted deeply within my soul I severed all connection between them and anything and anyone connected to us.
Grace.
protection.
It is by grace that I listened that time. there have been many times in my life when I have heard similar voices inside telling me no or stop or something else and I have not listened.
I have lost much sleep over the thought of what would have potentially have happened had I not listened. the lives connected to mine that would or could have been directly affected is devastating.
moral of the story....when you get the feeling in the pit of your stomach or the depths of your soul. stop and listen. pay attention. Even if others think you are crazy. Even if you FEEL like it means you are losing everything or losing important things. LISTEN. because listening could make all the difference in the world. It truly could mean the difference between life and death.

grow where you are planted.

It is interesting how the seasons in my life change and return much like fall to winter into spring and then summer. I drift in and out of certain seasons more than others. I have been wrestling with a lot of internal things lately. Questioning my place in this world, questioning if I even make a difference. I don't necessarily have what if syndrome because I truly have few regrets. there are just a couple things I would do over if given the chance but then I think I would not be the woman I am today had things gone a different direction. I think of a movie when the main characters somehow find themselves back in time then one of them inevitably does something that alters the future. I can not imagine my now or my future being with out the people I dearly love so I know going back and changing a regret would alter that I am not interested thank you very much. But it does lead me to question a lot of things. I have found myself since my birthday in this season. I have suffered great loss. The woman I call Mommee who taught more than I could express in words how to be a LADY how to be a mommee. That loss cut deeply into my soul. I have yet to get on strong footing from that loss. Her loss has left me feeling more home sick than ever before. It amazed me walking into her house after all these years and still feeling the warmth of her love lingering there. Being embraced and welcomed and loved by so many people I have called family for much of my life but in reality they are not my family. I miss that, I realize had I raised this family there my children would want or need for nothing. They would have a huge village wrapped around them loving them through life. There have been other stresses in my life since my birthday. So I found myself wondering about why I am here now not here on earth but here in position. Dropz of Hope has been changing and that causes deep sadness in my heart. I have a vision that I believe is a God-given vision for Dropz of hope and I can not figure out what is going on and why we are at this cross road. There are so many needs we should be filling and yet change interferes with action and nothing is done.

I found myself about a week ago or so crying out to God asking, no, begging for direction confirmation anything that would give me an idea of what I am supposed to do.

I was filing through old papers and out slipped some notes I had taken at a womens tea. the title was GROW WHERE YOU ARE PLANTED. I slowly picked it up and read through the notes. I knew my answer was thread through the words on that page. God plants us where He needs us not necessarily where we want to be. or where we think we should be. He plants us where He sees fit. Sometimes we have to learn to adapt to surroundings that are foreign to us. In this time and season in life I feel I have been planted in a place that looks exactly like the photo above. I hope when people look at me they see something even a little similar to the beauty of the flower blooming in that photo. Because no matter the season no matter the circumstance no matter my thoughts and desires I want more than anything to BLOOM in beauty and grow strongly for Him where He choses for me to be planted. and that was enough. I don't need to know why. I just need to know it was intentional by Him and now I will work to that end. Blooming is slow and hard work but I am getting there.

I have a problem. A serious problem. One I have wrestled with for 20 years. There have been seasons when I have struggled lots less and some even when I felt I had accomplished victory over this problem. Then I read a FB post or See a family or hear a story and I am taken right back to that place. I hate it. I hate feeling this feeling. It is not typically a character trait of mine it doesn't feel right doent fit. but here I am wearing it....again.

Jealousy is an emotion and typically refers to the negative thoughts and feelings of insecurity, fear, and anxiety over an anticipated loss of something that the person values, particularly in reference to a human connection. Jealousy often consists of a combination of presenting emotions such as anger, resentment, inadequacy, helplessness and disgust.

I am not jealous of everything and everyone. Just one area in life. One big fat huge area.
I am jealous of families who are close and have grandparents who love adore and spend time with the grandchildren I am jealous of families whose children enjoy cousin time when their first best friends are their cousins.
This is what I grew up expecting family would be like. I grew up believing my future children would be very close to their grandparents and extended family. I grew up believing Family dinners on Sundays and family game nights would be a natural part of life. It never occurred to me that it would not be like that. I remember the love and adoration I witnessed between Daddy and his grandsons I remember watching him interact with Dominique and Alex. I remember feeling like THAT was true love. real. the kind you can feel just walking in a room. Then just after Dominique's 3rd birthday daddy died.
I see grandchildren running to their grandparents, I see grandparents taking grandkids places and having sleepovers and baking cookies and attending sporting events.
I find myself sad and grieving the loss of those types of family connections for my children.
I want to hear someone say how proud they are of my children, I want to hear them cheering at an event or clapping at a music concert. I want them to proudly display the art my children create, I want them to show off photos. 
I am not proud of this problem. I am in fact a little ashamed that I would have such thoughts and feelings
 I just cant seem to get passed it permanently.

mental illness is hard.

mental illness is hard.
loving someone who is battling mental illness is hard.
getting outsiders to understand your struggles with mental illness is hard.
being a person others look to for support while they face mental illness is hard.
being judged blamed accused unsupported rejected all because of mental illness is hard.

Recently I had the opportunity to sit in a room filled with people. People who all had a couple things in common. 1. they love someone or care for someone with mental illness. 2. they all have the 'deer in the headlights' look about them. All of them struggling, grieving, hearts aching and some broken. All looking to me for comfort, advice, regulation, mentoring. Somehow I switched into leadership advocate mode and was able to pull it off. I stood there looking in the eyes of desperate people and for a brief moment thought, "Lord, how in the world am I going to bring hope and healing to these people when I stand before them with the remnants of a broken heart myself?" I stopped myself just short of righteous anger and self pity and slowed my thoughts long enough to hear Him whisper. Open your hand and show them your broken heart. I will mend it along with theirs.
I argued I did not want to share my brokenness with anyone much less a room filled with desperate people, afterall they came for me to help them and give them hope not for me to scare them and steal all hope from their grasp. Gathering all my courage I slowly stood introduced myself, opened my hand and gradually poured out the story of my journey. The more that poured out the stronger I felt. I gathered strength with each word spoken and each tear shed. Yes, I even allowed these people to see my tears. By the end of the time we shared together I saw hope filter into the room. I saw darkness lifting.
I do not believe I made a miraculous difference in these good lives. I do not believe they were all magically happy and filled with joy and hope as they walked to their cars. But I do believe HE used me my experience my journey and my love for my child to show grace and hope and light where it had been missing. I am grateful. I am humbled. For the opportunity to share my story.
Maybe, just maybe slowly as I share my story of mental illness and how it affects my life and breaks my heart daily MAYBE others will walk away feeling more hope more power more compassion more empathy for those on this journey and more sympathy for all touched by mental illness If nothing else I still have grace hope and love.