I have a problem. A serious problem. One I have wrestled with for 20 years. There have been seasons when I have struggled lots less and some even when I felt I had accomplished victory over this problem. Then I read a FB post or See a family or hear a story and I am taken right back to that place. I hate it. I hate feeling this feeling. It is not typically a character trait of mine it doesn't feel right doent fit. but here I am wearing it....again.

Jealousy is an emotion and typically refers to the negative thoughts and feelings of insecurity, fear, and anxiety over an anticipated loss of something that the person values, particularly in reference to a human connection. Jealousy often consists of a combination of presenting emotions such as anger, resentment, inadequacy, helplessness and disgust.

I am not jealous of everything and everyone. Just one area in life. One big fat huge area.
I am jealous of families who are close and have grandparents who love adore and spend time with the grandchildren I am jealous of families whose children enjoy cousin time when their first best friends are their cousins.
This is what I grew up expecting family would be like. I grew up believing my future children would be very close to their grandparents and extended family. I grew up believing Family dinners on Sundays and family game nights would be a natural part of life. It never occurred to me that it would not be like that. I remember the love and adoration I witnessed between Daddy and his grandsons I remember watching him interact with Dominique and Alex. I remember feeling like THAT was true love. real. the kind you can feel just walking in a room. Then just after Dominique's 3rd birthday daddy died.
I see grandchildren running to their grandparents, I see grandparents taking grandkids places and having sleepovers and baking cookies and attending sporting events.
I find myself sad and grieving the loss of those types of family connections for my children.
I want to hear someone say how proud they are of my children, I want to hear them cheering at an event or clapping at a music concert. I want them to proudly display the art my children create, I want them to show off photos. 
I am not proud of this problem. I am in fact a little ashamed that I would have such thoughts and feelings
 I just cant seem to get passed it permanently.