Busy times abound!
Visits have been stepped up for Little E! YAY!! We are moving forward in a possitive direction and it is very exciting!
My traveleing boy arrived home Monday, was home for a hot 2 hours. Enough time to repack, get a haircut, shower and eat. He is staying in town now so we will not get to see him as much. Lij is very sad about that! Lij has always had a special bond with Dom like none of the other kids.
Tomorrow I make the road trip to pick up Madison. Thankfully I recieved some sermon CDs in the mail yesterday from pastor matt. I am really looking forward to listening to them!
Isaiah is still doing PT twice a week and excersises at home 3 times a day. He loved Lego camp and is saving money to buy a Lego Robot! He has been a life saver around here so far this summer helping me out a lot!!
Elijah finished regular ball season and was invited to play on the All Star Team. This is his first invitation and he is super excited! He has had ball practice every night this week and the games begin next week! They play 5 days straight, if they do well enough then they move onto districts. We will see what the next 2 weeks holds. I am praying for nice 80 degree weather with a lovely breeze and no rain!
Amaris has been reading up a storm, and playing out doors every chance she gets!
Samuel has been on the onry side, BUT, what else is new HUH?? LOL Sam is beginning to like base ball and golf which is a nice new thing for him. He has never shown any interest in any sport before now so we will have to see where this new thing leads us.
Zephan is well. he is in trouble all the time, he is our escape artists and LOVES LOVES to be out doors. We have had to install locks way at the top of ewach door just to keep him in!
I have been busy trying to kick off Dropz of Hope school supply drive. We are in need of back packs, supplies, sneaker vouchers and free hair cuts for 78 children!!! Last year we did 40 we have grown copnsiderably this year! I am doing part time day care for the summer, this has been an adjustment for me since I have not done day care since Isaiah had his first surgery. Poor Amaris is still the only girl around here. I swear I can't get girls from anywhere.
Summer is here and we are trying to squeeze as much fun in as possible. It hardly seems right that this is 4th of July weekend already!!
Be safe everyone!

panic attack

Have you ever had a panic attack? Not me. Never. I have known people who have had them. I have witnessed one or two. But actually had one explode within the walls of my chest? Nope. Well until Saturday night that is.
I was driving. alone. and the enormity of our situation began to dance about in my mind. I began to play with it. flip it around in a dance of what if this or thats. I was driving west on army post road. watching the clouds mingle with the darkening night sky. no thought provoked the events that were soon to unfold. I am still not sure what happened. the hows or whys. I just know that it did. I was scared. and alone.
suddenly i felt my heart begin to race this crazy beat that beat irradically and way too fast. I became hot and flushed and sweaty on the brow. I felt like I could not catch my breath yet I could not tell if it was from the asthma or what ever was happening to my body. I slowed the van and pulled to shoulder of the road. Where I became completely convinced I was having a heart attack. I knew this idea was silly but could not shake these feelings and odd things my body was doing to me.
I held my phone and flipped through the contacts wanting to reach out to someone but put the phone away instead. eventually the symptoms passed and I was super thankful I had not called 911 or anything crazy like that. I pulled back onto the road and headed on my way. As I drove I thought alot about what had just happened and I knew what it was. panic attack.
The stress of all this Madison business is getting to me. If it wasnt bad enough that Teen Challenge decided unexpectedly to discharge her due to her age, they sent us an email last week informing us that the entire center will be closing due to financial difficulties ALL girls will need to be picked up no later than 4pm on Saturday July 3. This comes after a promise to allow Madison to stay until August 1. I understand financial difficulties. What I do not understand is disguising the truth with excuses. Why could they not have been more forthcoming throughout all of this? If they had been honest with us in December about age and money we would of had the opportunity to step in and move Madison to a more appropriate setting where she could have continued her treatment and not had too many disruptions. If they had been honest with us all along we would have made different decisions all the way around. I do not regret sending her. I still believe it was the right thing to do at that time. I believe in Teen Challenge as a whole program I really do I am just disappointed in the way this program has chosen to operate. Now my daughters life literally hangs in the balance.
Madison is still too fragile to be home. to be exposed to certain people and situations will most assuredly cause her to regress. I am traveling on Thursday to pick her up and bring her home. I spoke with her last night. I am more and more convinced she is NOT ready. She has decided she no longer wants to go to Freedom for youth. She has already fallen back into the old manipulations of if you wont, if you don't, if you say no then I will ask Papa. I am no longer strong enough to do this. I can not be over ridden one more time. I DO pray over my daughter. I DO love her. WE make decisions we believe are in her BEST interest. We do NOT make flippant off the cuff choices for her. This journey is agony. AGONY. that is a harsh word but truly fits. I do not sleep. I have panic attacks. All because I am afraid of making the wrong decision for her life. The last thing I need right now in my own fragile state is to be judged or over ridden because they do not agree.
I am scared to bring her home. I am afraid I will not be able to keep her safe from herself. I am afraid of what this will do to all of us. I want more than anything for Madison to be healthy happy and live life just like her peers....the fact is she can't and that hurts but it is true.
Please pray for me. I really need prayer.

Community Partnership for Protecting Children

dumb date stamp!!!!

Saturday I took all my monsters (minus Big Elijah who wanted to watch the championship game for his league in baseball) along with my friend nita and her kiddos down town to the Polk County Convention Center where the Community Partnership for Protecting Children held its first celebration and information fest. They had spin art frisbees, inflateables, rock wall, entertainment, and tons fo information for families and resources! It was a fun day. I won free pool passes (which I gave to little E's family since they live in Des Moines and I don't) and I also won 4 ticket to the IMAX which I kept and hope to use soon!! We had a great time! Of course Burrito had to be unruly and downright mean at times but all in all it was a fun day!

please ignore the date stamps on the photos...UGH!

Last night ended the season of Runnells Black. These boys had an amazing season! I am so proud of all the boys! We played 14 regular season games. With 9 wins and 5 losses. I must say these boys have shown excellent sportsmanship all season. I am so proud of each one of them for the dedication, hard work and great attitudes. We entered into Rally Days (our leagues version of a tournament) #5 seed so we played day 1 against 4 mile with a win we moved on to game 2 in Bondurant on Tuesday. The temperature at game time was 96 degrees with a heat index of 106. It was HOT! Our coaches took good care of our boys making sure they drank tons of water and had wet cool towels in between innings. What an intense game this was! But our boys pulled it off with a few awesome plays and great hits! Nice Job boys! we moved on to game 3 (if we won game 3 we moved onto the final Championship game if we lost we were done). Again we were at Bondurant. We had to face a team that has been undefeated the entire season our boys fought hard! The game was close and intense! The weather was a bit cooler and we had a slight breeze. But in the end we lost. I have to say, it is an awesome feeling to have the umpire approach you when the game is over and tell you the your boys your TEAM was the best example of good sportsmanship he had seen ALL SEASON! That is what is important isn't it? Teaching our kids to win and to lose with grace? On a side note....This could have been a disaster for us considering one of Elijah's good buddies Andrew played on the opposing team. I must brag just a little here....Elijah packed up all his gear walked over to the other dugout and waited for them to get done celebrating. When Andrew came out of the dugout he gave him a high five and a hug and told him congratulations on a great game and even asked if he could come watch Andrew play the Championship game on Saturday morning!! I could not have been more proud of Elijah than I was in that moment!! I know it was hard to lose so close to the final tournament game. And to lose to your buddies team had to be difficult as well. But Elijah rose to the occasion and proved his true heart through his great character! Lij I am so very proud of you! You are AMAZING!!! I love you tons!!

A little of what I have learned about faith, grace, trust and frustration....

Faith is the road we travel to receive Grace, God provides grace to meet us where our need is. If we try to do things on our own without being open to receiving the Grace God has for us then it really does not matter how much faith we have we will not receive what we are asking for. The bible says that Grace is the power of God coming to us through our faith to meet our needs.

If we get frustrated it is because we are trying to make things happen on our own. It is not because we have no faith, it is because we have stopped there, just short of allowing His Grace to make the difference.

We get frustrated because we have plans for our lives and sometimes those plans don't work out as we thought they should. What we need to do is trust and rely on God's Grace. Because He knows what we are facing everyday, at work, at home, with our friends, our children, every step we take, in every situation. If we trust Him enough to allow Him to lead, then He will work out all the details and the end result will be better than what we could have imagined in the first place.

When we get into those situations where it is difficult to remember how to rely on His Grace, lets face it, we are human, so those situations come more often than we would like. See the frustration, stop, ask God, "God, please give me grace in this situation" ~I don't know about you, but this is difficult for me ~Then believe that God has heard your prayer and is answering it as you walk through the rest of your day. Leave it there at His feet, trust Him and he will give you the grace to survive any change that comes your way. LEAVE TRUST hhhmmmm even more difficult but necessary! I am working on these lessons and trying to do better every day.

broken

Have you ever felt like you were too broken to fix? broken hearted. broken relationships. broken spirit. just plain broken. There have been times in the past couple years where I have felt so broken that I have often diagnosed myself as too broken to be mended. too many pieces scattered about me to pick up.
I think we all have moments like these. we all limp through life with various wounds in various degrees of healing. Hidden deep beneath the surface of bravery and self confidence and denial lies our brokenness hiding safely away from those around us and sometimes if we are really good we are even able to hide from ourselves.
To unveil our brokenness would be an open invitation for all to see our vulnerabilities and stand in judgement against us. taking a risk of shame and fear of being all alone. But really in our solitude of hiding from ourselves we are already alone.
There is a vast difference between brokenness that destroys us and brokenness that transforms us....the first is the one we hold tight to we allow it to grow and consume our thoughts, emotions even actions and if we are not careful it is this one that can destroy us....the second transforms us ~ when shared in the presence of a caring thoughtful friend who is willing to see us for all our brokenness and still love us. willingly take our hand and walk with us along the way....it is the latter that also transforms those we allow it to touch. Our own brokenness can become a source of healing to all who come in contact with it. When we find the courage to face our broken road we will then find the strength to assist others in facing theirs.
Opening our broken past to another threatens to take us back to our pain. In the same moment becoming transparent to ourselves and others opens the potential for God's grace to enter and move into our situation. When we take the step of bravery and open our brokenness to others we just may be surprised at what we receive. Instead of judgments... sometimes healing arrives.

take 2! I tried to post the photos of the cake with all the words friends and family sent me to describe Gramma. But the stinking post FAILED!! UGH! So....here are the pix no list of words. Boo! and Again....I thought I fixed the dumb date stamp on the camera BUT obviously it did not work! UGH! I loved making this cake for Gramma!

What a weekend! It was one of those weekends you wish you could freeze and keep forever! I had so much fun catching up with cousins I haven't seen in a long time. Foster Adoption day celebration was Saturday Fun picnic! Made a cake for Gramma's Birthday her actual birthday is June 15.She will be 90 years old!! What an incredible amazing woman she is! I am having some camera issues so I was not able to get many good photos! The spring that loads the memory card is not working to engage the card on the camera Philip gave me so I went back to my awesome purple camera....only I guess I didn't charge it long enough so it kept shutting off every time I wanted to shoot a pix. Sunday was the party. then Sunday night was honor star crowning at church plus children's ministry was in charge of service. That is always a fun night! Usually I am not real comfortable up in front of a room full of adults but last night I really wasn't very nervous at all.

Incredible Pizza

Thursday night we found ourselves with only 3 of the kids! Can you imagine?? Amaris was at Powette, Little E was on a visit, Sam was at Grandma's house, Soooo we took Isaiah, Elijah and Burrito to Incredible Pizza. Good food and tons of fun! PS~ ignore the dates stamped on the photos ... the camera shut down and I forgot to change the date...UGH! 6-10-10 ;0)