when hope walked out

It was a cold windy morning. The drive was long and awkward. Maybe more so for myself than for the others in the vehicle. I felt sadness hopelessness and dread well up inside of me with every mile past the feelings of dread grew. I struggled to contain my emotions and tears I struggled to keep my voice steady when I spoke. My mind was a whirlwind of thoughts. Flashing through my mind as quickly as the scenery flew by as we drove down the highway. I review all the conversations all the meetings phone calls emails searching for peace searching for comfort searching for confirmations that THIS was in fact the right thing to do. NONE came. Peace eludes me comfort flees and I am left sitting in the vehicle with a heavy heart weighted by the knowledge that this is wrong. there is nothing right good true with this journey. I look into the future a day a week a month a year and so on.....and what I see places weight on my heart that is impossible to bare. The enormity of it al closes in on me and restricts my ability to breath. It takes all of my energy to focus and take each breath and disguise my dread. For the first time in my life. EVER I feel totally completely helpless and HOPEless....I have never experienced a situation where I could not feel hope where I could not feel the presence of God and something good. Today was different. I felt such a heaviness such a deep rooted sorrow I can not give justice to through words. I am angry at myself for waving the flag of surrender. I question my every move in this situation. I wonder what if and why. All of these things are completely against my nature. The person I see reflected back at me in the mirror is not the person I know. She is a stranger to me today. and these feelings inside are just as foreign. I want to jump up ad run. run fast into the wind letting its strength sweep me up and carry me with her as she blows her fury down the highway. But I cant move. I cant will my feet to move. We finally arrive at our destination and I somehow find the ability to move through the moments and sound even look as if I am functioning at a normal level. When in reality I feel as if I am floating in some horrible dream that wont release me to morning. We were there such a short amount of time and my brain was numb. the numbness trickled down into my heart as I gazed into her eyes searching for hope. searching for SOMETHING I could grab ahold of and hold tightly to as we continue on this journey. Nothing. She is gone, I searched desperately in her eyes for SOMETHING. As we turned to go I looked back one more time and realized today is the day Hope walked out on me. I can not describe the feeling of loss and emptiness that rushed in and filled my heart. Pray for me. I went from this straight into attending kids church winter camp. I loved spending time with the children even though all I really wanted to do was hide in my bed and cry. Pastor Kevin spoke to the children that night about turning our hurts into Hope and I found myself wishing my girl had heard this message. How do I reach her heart? How do I change this into a hopeFILLED situation rather than the hopelessness I feel I am drowning in.....I need prayer.