As a mom to many I find it difficult at times to find that balance. I am not even seeking a perfect balance. Just a balance in general.
For example how is it possible to be filled to over flowing with pride in one childs accomplishments and so very disappointed in another childs choices? Do you ever feel guilty in rejoiceing while mourning anothers losses? I am seeking a better balance. I do not want to rob my desrving children of praise and celebration when they are doing well and achieve amazing things. At the same time I mourn the loss of all the opportunities I could have should have had with another...

pumpkin. leaves. fall. favorite!

I LOVE fall! It is by far my favorite time of year. I love the way the air has a crisp bite to it. I love the smells of burning leaves and harvest. I love filling my house with the smells of cinnamon and maple and baking breads and stew brewing on the stove.

I have really been loving some new pumpkin recipes lately. I made cheese tortellini with a homemade Alfredo sauce with pumpkin in it! YUM!

I made sweet pie pumpkins stuffed with a collard green cheese breadcrumb stuffing. WOW!

For the kids for breakfast pumpkin pancakes and apple cider.

I am making spiced pumpkin muffins tomorrow. For breakfast this morning I filled a couple small pie pumpkins with diced granny smith apples maple flavor, brown sugar and oatmeal baked for 1 hour. Bowl full of heavenly goodness! Next time I will throw in craisins too and maybe roasted pecans.

Sam

Sam....oh how I love my Sam. Not joking, not sarcastic. Truth. I love this little guy so much its crazy! Which is why I spend so much time searching for classes and books to educate myself on how to properly parent him, that is why I am willing to travel to Omaha or any where else that may have answers or support. You see. This first photo represents Sam. It is who he is much of the time. It used to make me incredibly sad. He always seems, well, melancholy. What causes this is a mystery. He is loved, well cared for, smart, creative and a ball of energy. We have built special supports for him at school. learned new techniques of parenting for here at home. Nothing ever seemed to change the fact that this was always the look on his face, when he was sad, happy, excited, angry no matter the emotion always the same expression. UNTIL....





 

Recently we have been catching THIS LOOK on his sweet face! I can not express how much joy it brings to my heart to see a smile light up his face!
I am not sure what the difference is. Could it be our new skills as parents? could it be the counseling? could it be maturity finally catching up? could it be the medication we finally relented and allowed the doctor to prescribe?
Maybe it is a combination of all those things. I don't know. What I do know is that I could get used to seeing THIS face more often!
 

Baseball dilema

Baseball

Elijah

baseball may as well be Elijah's middle name. He loves baseball more than just about anything in his life. He would eat sleep and breath baseball if it were possible. He has always been a decent player. Chosen for all stars 2 years in a row. 2 years of tournament ball. Then this past spring a couple things happened that affected his performance on the field. I really think it comes down to confidence.

His confidence was damaged because of some things that were out of his control. He began to have seizures. At first they were small and infrequent but by the time the season was in full swing he was having 3 or 5 a day. He was always nervous that he would have one on the field. About half way through the season he made 2 errors in one game and his dad and the coach came down pretty hard on him. Elijah is not the kind of kid who responds to yelling. He just isn't. Some kids do, some kids take that and use it to push forward and do better. Grow. To Elijah it meant he was a disappointment to coach and Dad. Then the next game he began sitting the bench more and more, pretty soon he was riding the bench more than he was playing. This just confirmed to him that he was no longer good enough. All through the season he kept a good attitude he never let anyone see his disappointment and discouragement. The tears would flow only when the doors to the van closed and no one else could see. A huge testimony to his character both on and off the field. Never disrespectful, no tantrums, no pouting. Always encouraging his team and showing up no matter what.

Then came his hospital stay, with that brought hope. He was not crazy. He was not imagining these episodes. Diagnosis and meds and we have a new boy! He was averaging 3-5 episodes a day before meds and now has only had 5 since he started taking them.

His confidence has returned, he is not only more confident on the ball field but also in his day to day activities.

He has had an excellent fall ball season so far. He has regained all of his confidence and built onto it. Coach has realized his potential and he has played most of every game. His character has not changed his attitude has stayed steady. He is stronger and better. I am so proud of him.

So here is the dilemma.

We were on a tournament team we believed he would be on and grow with for the next few years. We had no idea there would be try outs at the end of the spring season. tryouts were the day after Elijah discharged from the hospital. Bright and early that morning he reported to the field and attended try outs. confidence at an all time low.

He did not make the team. He wasn't ready. Had tryouts been even 1 month later that would have made all the difference in the world.

Elijah was devastated. DEVASTATED. I know some people will say. He is only 12. But baseball to him is no different than a dancer putting hours into their art, or a gymnast or swimmer putting hours upon hours of training in each week. It may sound silly to others but Elijah truly does want to play high school then college and onto major league baseball. Do I think he is good enough right now? Heck no. I am not saying he is a super star player. But he is a very good player. He needs mentored encouraged and allowed the opportunity to play. He needs to learn that errors happen even to the best players. We appreciate the coach he has had. He is a good man and a great coach. But in hind-sight he is not the right coach for Elijah at this time.

I will do anything to encourage him and support him and help him to grow and mature into a stronger player.

We have been looking for a new team for Elijah. Not having a team to play for is a very difficult thing for Elijah to imagine.

He likely will try out for 2 or 3 different teams in the next couple weeks.

One of the teams I know he will do well on but has little potential to grow. Another team has great potential to not only grow as a player but to be mentored. The 3rd I really don't know much about.

The dilemma. choosing the right team for Elijah.

Having a child or family member with a mental illness is a tricky thing. For me I have spent the better part of the past 17 years being judged and blamed for the mental health condition of one of our children. Yes. There have been times I have been hurt defensive angry and even rude.
The interesting thing is that a dear woman told me several years ago that the truth will eventually be revealed it may be a very long time before it happens but it will.
Recently the eyes of a few have been opened to reality. Blinders have been removed and they have been provided an opportunity to see the truth. I am not sure if it will be a breakthrough with lasting effects or if it will be short lived. I have thought many times over the years how would I respond if I was approached by someone who had judged me so harshly. I honestly never came up with a response, the idea was so unfathomable that I could not imagine what I would do.
In the end a few things happened.
1. I felt compassion for the situation the others are in, it is difficult, painful and very sad to see a loved one struggle with mental health problems, to wake up one day and realize things are not what they seemed.
2. I realized something. This is not about me at all. I mean there have been moments over the years that I have known in my head that it was never about me, as a person. This exact thing would have happened to anyone in my position. Once I realized and fully understood that this is truly about my loved one I gained a new perspective. I was surprised not to feel the old familiar urgency to save her, to not feel the sleepless nights taking a toll on my health and mind, not to feel the stress and anxiety,  not to fight tears at any given moment.
3. I can love her, pray for what is best for her and for her safety. But I can not change her or her circumstance. Until she wants to change those nothing will be different or better.
I got this email devotion today Titled Second Chances. OK Lord I am  listening.....
I believe in second chances, I pray others would offer them to me when I mess up. Along with second chances comes forgiveness. A tough pill to swallow sometimes but one we are expected COMMANDED to...I forgive because I deeply desire to BE forgiven. If I don't truly forgive with every corner of my heart then how could I ever expect others to extend the same unto me?
I was reminded of this.....

 

 "It is of the LORD's mercies that we are not consumed, because his compassions fail not. They are new every morning: great is thy faithfulness" (Lamentations 3:22-23).

 

Dear Isaiah,
Today you are 16!
As I sit in the quiet before the day begins I am thinking back over your life so far.
You were such a funny little baby. So round and happy.
Even in the very early days of your life you were very selective with the people you would allow to hold you and talk to you. There was only 1 lady in the nursery at church who could hold you, if she wasnt there you would not stay.
As a toddler you were quite particular about everything. You would line all your racecars up in color order. We used to mess up the order when you would turn your back, then you would ball up your little fists and growl at us. So funny.
There were very few people who knew you could even talk....you have always had few words to say. But when you do choose to speak I try to listen. It will either be very funny or very important.
You started playing jokes and tricks on people when you were about 3 years old. You used to set traps for us so we could not get through a room or doorway.
As you have gotten older I still see all these wonderful traits in you. You still are selective of who you speak to and associate with, you are still very funny and love to play jokes on people. Your sense of humor brings me great joy. I love love love to hear you laugh.
Your compassion and caring for others especially your siblings amazes me.
The other day you asked me why I think you are Jonah's favorite. I have thought a lot about that question. I think it is because Jonah feels your peace patience and love when you hold him. You make him feel safe and loved. That is a gift. Keep that always!
I am proud of you, Isaiah.
When I look over your life I see the building of a man, a man who will impact the world around him in a huge way, you will likely remain quiet and reserved but I do not believe that will take away from your abilities to change this world for the better.  God placed you on this earth and gave you the gifts blessings and trials He has given for a reason. One day all these things will come together and make sense to you.
I am proud of you. You are one of the most courageous people I have ever known. Happy birthday!
Love
Mom

Prejudice and discrimination have been prevalent throughout human history. Prejudice has to do with the inflexible and irrational attitudes and opinions held by members of one group about another, while discrimination refers to behaviors directed against another group. Being prejudiced usually means having preconceived beliefs about groups of people or cultural practices. Prejudices can either be positive or negative—both forms are usually preconceived and difficult to alter. The negative form of prejudice can lead to discrimination, although it is possible to be prejudiced and not act upon the attitudes. Those who practice discrimination do so to protect opportunities for themselves by denying access to those whom they believe do not deserve the same treatment as everyone else.
**taken from sociology cliff notes**
I chose to preface this post with clear definitions.
Over the years of my life I have been called a lot of things, but prejudice is one I never imagined would be an accusation I would be forced to fend off. At the same time I never in a million years imagined it could become possible that I would miss it when it rears its ugly head around me.
I have raised or helped to raise many children from various ethnic groups and backgrounds. My father raised me to look at the heart of a person when deciding if they were to become a part of my life on any level. Ask yourself questions like: Is he a man of his word? Does he keep his promises? Is he king and thoughtful to those around him? Does he treat his parents well?
Where a person came from, what social class they were raised in, what ethnic group/race/religion/ nationality etc none of these ever came into consideration as my father taught me to choose friends because it was never an issue for him. He had friends who were extremely wealthy and some who were poor, he had friends who had a great deal of influence in our community and friends who had a history of trouble with the law. He had friends who shared the same faith and similar backgrounds and friends who were of various other religious upbringing. My father taught in wealthy school district in California and he taught in the poorest school districts in New Jersey. He loved all of his students, his passion for teaching was the same with the beginning of each new year. All these things I learned from watching him love others with a passionate unconditional love I have never seen before or since.
I strive every day of my life to love others as he showed me to love.
All these reasons lead to why I am so disappointed in myself.
We sat in the our lawn chairs at the drive in movies this past weekend with our dear friends. Chatter turned to this subject mostly because of an incident that occurred with a vehicle occupying the space directly behind us. This incident resulted in us being forced to either move our van to the grassy area on the outside of the drive in property or lose our spot. All because the people behind us complained they could not see over our van. My Sister quietly suggests to me that she felt like they complained because of her and her family being with us. I disagreed with her and our chatter moved in the direction of prejudice. Causing conflict in my heart and mind. I wrestled in the silence that fell at the end of our talk. No way could I have missed such a gesture. Could I??
Her point was proven within moments. A gentleman and his daughter walked up and asked if we attend a particular church, we said yes, he then asked if we were involved in TBQ. I said my kids are new to the program but my Sister's children had been involved for a year. I watched as this man CLEARLY recognized her and the kids but just as clearly pretended they were not present and attempted to talk all about the program with us as if WE were the ones who knew him. My irritation level began to grow as he stood there claiming to be this Christian man who was a coach and leader for kids and teens in TBQ yet he was blatantly and rudely ignoring their presence.
The more I think about this the more angry I become.
Are we not to show love to others no matter what?
Are we not to accept others for their wonderful unique differences?
I mean this is 2012 for crying out loud PEOPLE get a grip!!! Get over your holier than thou attitude that YOU are superior to others simply and solely based on the color of your skin and the status of the church you attend.
I am telling you what.....I would not spend 1 minute in the presence of anyone who bases life decisions and friendships on these things nor would I ever attend a church who supports such idiocracy.
I take great offense to such behavior.
I am disappointed in myself and ashamed that I have so emerged myself into the craziness of my life that I no longer see these things happening around me.
May I be ever aware of these situations and never lose the ability to love no matter what.