I woke this morning and all I could think about while I was showering and scampering about trying to motivate sleepy head children to move themselves along was my old pink Bible I love this Bible, it is about 20 years old, a little rough around the edges has lost its binding and has some wrinkles.....But this morning for some reason it was important to me to find it and pull it into my lap. So, in the 40 minutes I have between the first bus pulling away from the house and the need to wake the next round of kiddos up I rummaged through a couple drawers and there in the bottom of the 2nd drawer I found it nestled amongst a pile of important papers. Carefully I slid it out of its spot n the drawer, poured a fresh cup of coffee and settled in to the cozy corner of the couch.
I found many precious gems inside. I had no idea WHY I needed this Bible today But God did....and as I thumbed through aimlessly He began to reveal what exactly He wanted me to see.
The first thing I came across was a special group of verses that as I read I felt pressed to send them to a friend. So I signed on to Facebook said a quick prayer and sent her a special private message with the verses and a note....
Then I found this a devotional with notes scrawled all over it:
Christian are sometimes accused of being so heavenly-minded that they are No earthly good.
I let this settle in and expand in my mind.
We get caught up in choir rehearsals bible studies and other Church activities and ignore needs around us. When problems are brought to our attention, we content ourselves with feeling sorry about them while doing nothing. But sympathetic thoughts or kindly musings are not true compassion.
I sat back a moment. Thinking over the past few days, weeks months and year.....how many times have I wrapped my problems around my shoulders like a favorite blanket and blinded my eyes from seeing the needs of those around me. Lord, please forgive my lack of active compassion. Help me to be less for myself and more for You and those You position in my path. Lord, please let me SEE them when You send them.
True compassion is personal, active involvement that expresses God's merciful heart in words and in deeds.
God's people are to clothe themselves with compassion (Colossians 3:12). We are to meet others' needs, not to continually satisfy our own selfish desires. As God showers us with comfort through His Word and through other believers, we in turn are to redirect the stream of His mercy to others. We are not to hoard God's love, but to overflow with the good news of His compassion to all.
2 Corinthians 1:3-4
Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves have received from God.
WAIT a MINUTE!!
I have said this of my life and the crazy journeys I have traveled since I was a small child. I remember the first time I thought this very thought. I was sitting with Gramma Van Cleave on the front porch. During this time I was spending more time with my grandparents than ever before since Daddy had gone to California and we had to stay behind until the house sold. I was feeling sorry for myself of the horrible situation I had landed in and was looking for pity from Gramma and when our talk was done without her actually speaking these words I walked away feeling them.
Later after my parents divorced and I found myself again in a difficult situation.
again later when we had to leave home and move to NJ
again in high school when I had cancer and was forced to take the GED instead of finish out my senior year with all y classmates.
again when I found myself a single mother....
again when Daddy became too ill to care for himself so I quit college and moved Dominique and myself back home to care for him.
again and again I began to see THIS verse threaded throughout my life. And I realized. God was gently and lovingly reminding me of the importance of this verse. He reminded me that I need to look differently n the situations I find myself in right now.
The situation with my sweet little pumpkin. I have no idea what God has planned out from here on but I do know that He chose me to be a part of the plan if not forever at least for now. And today that is enough.
The situation with Madison. I love her so much. I have always loved her as if she were my very own daughter. I was her mother caregiver advocate fighter supporter cheerleader and more for so many years. I have really struggled these past 2 years with her running away and her choices. But today God reminded me that he DOES have a special place for me in her journey, even if that means my part is being forced to an end I still matter and I still made a difference. and I will always love her. so much.
Then I was reminded of conversations I have had with other parents recently. Parents going through the same foster type situations as we have over the years. Parents parenting children struggling with mental illness and the heartache it brings.
and then. the light went on.
Thank you Lord, for loving me enough to remind me of why I am here. Why You chose me to carry the burdens of this journey. Thank you for showing me that these are in fact not burdens but lessons I need to learn in order that I may help change anothers life. Thank you for trusting me enough to give these lessons and for loving me always and no matter what my attitude may be.
I am Blessed!
Wednesday, November 28, 2012
Tuesday, November 27, 2012
I love when God arranges for us to meet people. To cross paths at just the right moment.
Sunday evening I attended a conference in Des Moines promoting adoption, I went as a representative for Dropz of Hope. One of the speakers was a young lady who is a house parent for Safe Haven. She spoke briefly of a young lady who lives at the home, this young lady is 17 pregnant with twins and is looking for the perfect family to adopt her twins. (slow down! I did not volunteer! silly!!) but I did look for her after the conference so I could get some information just in case I needed it to pass on to a family or 2. I missed her, she left before I had the chance. I made a mental note to follow up if I had time later in the week.
Monday evening Samuel had a music concert at school. Our music teacher is amazing, she is energetic and talented!!! She is one of those people that you can see her love for the children without even knowing her you know her heart. I love her. She has always been sensitive and kind to each one of my kiddos and made special efforts to reach them and touch their hearts with music. She made a special effort to include Miss Sassy Pants even though that was her first day at the school and she technically was not a part of the musical program.
Anyway, I got to talking with her after the program, and some how, I have no idea how, but we got on to the topic of the conference and I told her about the lady from the conference. She told me she knew of a family who desperately wants to adopt and would be amazing parents AND they are open to twins! As we continued talking she quietly shared who the family was. I happen to know them and know how amazing they are. I promised to gather info and send it to her in the morning.
This morning after I put the last round of kiddos on their bus I looked up the number and called the gal from the conference. We talked and talked and before I knew it we had been on the phone more than an hour. She did give me all the details for my friend. But as we talked we learned that we share the same God given passion. We were talking about adoptions I shared a little about how God formed my sweet family. How HE chose each child and placed them in our home for a special reason at a special time. I told her I understand the need for overseas adoptions, I understand the call for people to rescue the orphans of this world, But my heart cries for the children of our own community, the children who walk the halls of our schools. The children in our churches, neighborhoods, right here in our own back yard. My heart weeps for these children and I KNOW God has called me to be His hands and feet here. I often feel like I am a missionary only I never leave home.
I could feel her excitement through the phone line. as she poured her heart out to me and shared she had felt the same calling since she was a small child. At the end of our conversation we agreed that we need to get together sometime soon.
I love when God crosses 2 paths and connects 2 hearts that are filled with the same passion. It feeds my soul and gives me strength!
Please pray for those twin babies, that God would choose the perfect family for them. Secretly I am praying He chooses my friend. She will be the most amazing mommy someday and I am praying it is SOON!
Sunday evening I attended a conference in Des Moines promoting adoption, I went as a representative for Dropz of Hope. One of the speakers was a young lady who is a house parent for Safe Haven. She spoke briefly of a young lady who lives at the home, this young lady is 17 pregnant with twins and is looking for the perfect family to adopt her twins. (slow down! I did not volunteer! silly!!) but I did look for her after the conference so I could get some information just in case I needed it to pass on to a family or 2. I missed her, she left before I had the chance. I made a mental note to follow up if I had time later in the week.
Monday evening Samuel had a music concert at school. Our music teacher is amazing, she is energetic and talented!!! She is one of those people that you can see her love for the children without even knowing her you know her heart. I love her. She has always been sensitive and kind to each one of my kiddos and made special efforts to reach them and touch their hearts with music. She made a special effort to include Miss Sassy Pants even though that was her first day at the school and she technically was not a part of the musical program.
Anyway, I got to talking with her after the program, and some how, I have no idea how, but we got on to the topic of the conference and I told her about the lady from the conference. She told me she knew of a family who desperately wants to adopt and would be amazing parents AND they are open to twins! As we continued talking she quietly shared who the family was. I happen to know them and know how amazing they are. I promised to gather info and send it to her in the morning.
This morning after I put the last round of kiddos on their bus I looked up the number and called the gal from the conference. We talked and talked and before I knew it we had been on the phone more than an hour. She did give me all the details for my friend. But as we talked we learned that we share the same God given passion. We were talking about adoptions I shared a little about how God formed my sweet family. How HE chose each child and placed them in our home for a special reason at a special time. I told her I understand the need for overseas adoptions, I understand the call for people to rescue the orphans of this world, But my heart cries for the children of our own community, the children who walk the halls of our schools. The children in our churches, neighborhoods, right here in our own back yard. My heart weeps for these children and I KNOW God has called me to be His hands and feet here. I often feel like I am a missionary only I never leave home.
I could feel her excitement through the phone line. as she poured her heart out to me and shared she had felt the same calling since she was a small child. At the end of our conversation we agreed that we need to get together sometime soon.
I love when God crosses 2 paths and connects 2 hearts that are filled with the same passion. It feeds my soul and gives me strength!
Please pray for those twin babies, that God would choose the perfect family for them. Secretly I am praying He chooses my friend. She will be the most amazing mommy someday and I am praying it is SOON!
I sat in a meeting yesterday. For 4 hours we discussed foster care and adoption and how we can make this corner of the world a better place not only for the children stuck in but also for the families who are loving them through it.
We talked about how difficult our kiddos can be, how difficult it is for people outside of our little world to understand who they are and why they are and how to help them. I have noticed that often times people in churches, schools, stores and even some therapists put a little label on kids. If it looks like the same type of behavior a 'typical' child would exhibit then they EXPECT our children to respond to the same disciplinary system as any other child they have worked with. The problem with that is our children have suffered significant trauma in their young lives. They have seen, heard and experienced many horrific things we could never even imagine. Yet we expect them to function in our framework.We expect them to sit still listen obey and behave the same way any 'typical' child does. This is simply not possible. Our kiddos are fighting a fight within their own heart and head that requires every ounce of strength courage and self control they have, they just do not have any left over to conform to our standards.
Somehow we have to get teachers, counselors and other significant people in the lives of our children to understand that the trauma our children have survived has caused damage. permanent damage. Damage that one can not necessarily see but is there. If our children were physically disabled as a direct result of their trauma everyone would bend over back wards to accommodate their needs. These wounds our children carry are far more debilitating than that of physical wounds. These are wounds of the heart mind and spirit. When you wound their hearts minds and spirits you steal away their ability to cope control understand and function on any level you would consider to be normal.
Trauma causes real brain damage. It is a medically proven fact. Our children have suffered damage to their brains. This means often times they have no control whatsoever on their behavior. We have to help them learn how to rewire their brain around the damage. Our work is tough. Our work will not happen over night.
In the mean time, we have to learn to love these children NO MATTER WHAT. They deserve the best of us. They deserve to be CHOSEN for once and they deserve us to never give up. No matter how hard it gets if people continually give up on them then where will they be?
If you see a child throwing a grand mall tantrum screaming obscenities throwing things kicking and hitting. do not stare, do not engage, do not judge. You have no idea what the root is that has caused this malfunction to happen in the first place. If you see a child like my Sam who rarely smiles, do not tease him do not try to force him to smile, do not assume he has Aspergers simply because he has no idea how to be social. meet each child at their level on their needs and love them where they are. Giving consistent unconditional love and support is the first best step to healing the hearts minds and spirits of our children.
We talked about how difficult our kiddos can be, how difficult it is for people outside of our little world to understand who they are and why they are and how to help them. I have noticed that often times people in churches, schools, stores and even some therapists put a little label on kids. If it looks like the same type of behavior a 'typical' child would exhibit then they EXPECT our children to respond to the same disciplinary system as any other child they have worked with. The problem with that is our children have suffered significant trauma in their young lives. They have seen, heard and experienced many horrific things we could never even imagine. Yet we expect them to function in our framework.We expect them to sit still listen obey and behave the same way any 'typical' child does. This is simply not possible. Our kiddos are fighting a fight within their own heart and head that requires every ounce of strength courage and self control they have, they just do not have any left over to conform to our standards.
Somehow we have to get teachers, counselors and other significant people in the lives of our children to understand that the trauma our children have survived has caused damage. permanent damage. Damage that one can not necessarily see but is there. If our children were physically disabled as a direct result of their trauma everyone would bend over back wards to accommodate their needs. These wounds our children carry are far more debilitating than that of physical wounds. These are wounds of the heart mind and spirit. When you wound their hearts minds and spirits you steal away their ability to cope control understand and function on any level you would consider to be normal.
Trauma causes real brain damage. It is a medically proven fact. Our children have suffered damage to their brains. This means often times they have no control whatsoever on their behavior. We have to help them learn how to rewire their brain around the damage. Our work is tough. Our work will not happen over night.
In the mean time, we have to learn to love these children NO MATTER WHAT. They deserve the best of us. They deserve to be CHOSEN for once and they deserve us to never give up. No matter how hard it gets if people continually give up on them then where will they be?
If you see a child throwing a grand mall tantrum screaming obscenities throwing things kicking and hitting. do not stare, do not engage, do not judge. You have no idea what the root is that has caused this malfunction to happen in the first place. If you see a child like my Sam who rarely smiles, do not tease him do not try to force him to smile, do not assume he has Aspergers simply because he has no idea how to be social. meet each child at their level on their needs and love them where they are. Giving consistent unconditional love and support is the first best step to healing the hearts minds and spirits of our children.
Monday, November 26, 2012
Little Miss Sassy Pants
It was the day before Thanksgiving. I had a very small window of time to drive 2 hours and 30 minutes to Mason City to have a discharge meeting and get back home before the kiddos got home from school. As soon as the last round of kiddos got on the bus, I got our faithful babysitter settled in and hit the road.
On the drive My mind wandered to many places. I let it wander back to the day I first learned of her. I allowed myself to linger on each moment of our journey, the sweet to the not so sweet. The happy and the sad. The tough and rewarding. What an interesting journey this has been. I love how God is in every moment in every detail He never ceases to blow my mind in His attention to detail and His awesome sense of humor.
As I got closer to my destination I began to imagine what it would be like when I arrived and when I saw her. I envisioned that she would, for the first time run to me, throw her arms around my neck, and squeal how happy she was to see me. I think this vision was more for my own benefit than for hers. Especially since it never happened. Silly me, I knew it wouldn't be like that, but it was nice to imagine. I am still working on earning her trust it will be a while before I get a spontaneous hug.
I arrived and met with the team, then I saw her sweet little face. There she stood looking very small but looking happy and maybe a smidge excited. she smiled one of her sweet genuine smiles the kind that melts your heart from the inside out. I thought to myself...."God, how did I ever live the last 11 years without this sweet girl??"
We loaded up all her worldly belongings, everything she owns fit neatly into 2 Rubbermaid tubs and a raggedy little box. My heart squeezed into itself and I felt a pain for her I had never known before. Lord, please forgive me for my selfish ways and for not appreciating all the wonderful gifts You have so generously given to me.....
The first few miles were silent, I can not imagine what was going on inside of her little head as each mile past and we went further away from what she had known as home for the last 12 months. Heading towards a place she had only visited.
The first thing she asked was if she was still going to get her ears pierced. Of course! was my reply. A big grin broke slowly across her face. Then she was lost in thought again while staring out the window at the passing scenery. Then a very interesting thing happened....she spotted a group of about 8 small deer, she pointed them out to me and then she said "I wonder where their GUARDIAN is....it isn't safe for them to be out there with out a guardian. Her words bounced around inside my head and the more I replayed them the more sad I became. She has no ability to identify with a parent child relationship, she only understand and accepts a child guardian relationship. "God please help me change that soon...."
As the miles passed slowly by, we chatted a little. And arrived home about 10 minute after the kiddos got off the bus. Not too bad!
I have been surprised each day by the lack of issues, I expected the first few days to be a little rough but they have been good. Over all, anyway.
Thanksgiving. As we all sat around the table eagerly waiting the time to dig in, we took turns sharing what we are most thankful for this year. It came around to Sassy and she fidgeted a bit in her seat, I thought maybe she doesn't want to share, just as I opened my mouth to tell her she could pass, she looked at the floor and quietly but in a strong voice said "I am thankful this year I finally have a Real family, of my own." and that was it. I cried but tied to hide the tears. I am thankful for You too dear little one....
We hit a few rough patches but nothing too big. Saturday arrived and After lunch Amaris Sassy and headed out to the mall. First stop was to get her ears pierced, poor baby looked so scared sitting in that tall chair. But the grin that covered her face as she looked in the hand mirror the lady gave her was priceless!! I got my first hug!! Then it was off to shop for her first day of school outfit. We looked and looked and looked until we FINALLY found the perfect outfit, complete with a fancy pair of black sequined high top sneakers.
Just as we were preparing to leave the mall I looked at my 2 girls, standing side by side, it struck me, out of nowhere. I realized just how amazing God is. These girls look like sisters. Same color hair, EXACT same eyes....not close tot he same but the exact same color. Why I am sometimes caught by surprise when He cares for the small things, I don't know. But this day, it brought great joy to this mamas heart that God loved my girls so much that He created them in separate wombs to look so much alike! Amazing!
On the way home we stopped at the stores to purchase the ingredients for Sassy's meal, she wanted to plan a dinner for the family and help me prepare it. Only, when we got home she never did come into the kitchen.
Sunday was a bit more rough than the previous 4, but I think she is just nervous, not knowing what to expect tomorrow as she begins her journey at school. I am convinced she will fall in love with our school, her teacher and she will make a new friend right away!
I am so excited to watch and see how our journey unfolds. God is faithful, so I know even when we hit a rough spot or 2 or 10 He will be right there to carry us through it, especially since this was HIS idea.
Please pray with us as we walk out HIS amazing plans for all of us!!
On the drive My mind wandered to many places. I let it wander back to the day I first learned of her. I allowed myself to linger on each moment of our journey, the sweet to the not so sweet. The happy and the sad. The tough and rewarding. What an interesting journey this has been. I love how God is in every moment in every detail He never ceases to blow my mind in His attention to detail and His awesome sense of humor.
As I got closer to my destination I began to imagine what it would be like when I arrived and when I saw her. I envisioned that she would, for the first time run to me, throw her arms around my neck, and squeal how happy she was to see me. I think this vision was more for my own benefit than for hers. Especially since it never happened. Silly me, I knew it wouldn't be like that, but it was nice to imagine. I am still working on earning her trust it will be a while before I get a spontaneous hug.
I arrived and met with the team, then I saw her sweet little face. There she stood looking very small but looking happy and maybe a smidge excited. she smiled one of her sweet genuine smiles the kind that melts your heart from the inside out. I thought to myself...."God, how did I ever live the last 11 years without this sweet girl??"
We loaded up all her worldly belongings, everything she owns fit neatly into 2 Rubbermaid tubs and a raggedy little box. My heart squeezed into itself and I felt a pain for her I had never known before. Lord, please forgive me for my selfish ways and for not appreciating all the wonderful gifts You have so generously given to me.....
The first few miles were silent, I can not imagine what was going on inside of her little head as each mile past and we went further away from what she had known as home for the last 12 months. Heading towards a place she had only visited.
The first thing she asked was if she was still going to get her ears pierced. Of course! was my reply. A big grin broke slowly across her face. Then she was lost in thought again while staring out the window at the passing scenery. Then a very interesting thing happened....she spotted a group of about 8 small deer, she pointed them out to me and then she said "I wonder where their GUARDIAN is....it isn't safe for them to be out there with out a guardian. Her words bounced around inside my head and the more I replayed them the more sad I became. She has no ability to identify with a parent child relationship, she only understand and accepts a child guardian relationship. "God please help me change that soon...."
As the miles passed slowly by, we chatted a little. And arrived home about 10 minute after the kiddos got off the bus. Not too bad!
I have been surprised each day by the lack of issues, I expected the first few days to be a little rough but they have been good. Over all, anyway.
Thanksgiving. As we all sat around the table eagerly waiting the time to dig in, we took turns sharing what we are most thankful for this year. It came around to Sassy and she fidgeted a bit in her seat, I thought maybe she doesn't want to share, just as I opened my mouth to tell her she could pass, she looked at the floor and quietly but in a strong voice said "I am thankful this year I finally have a Real family, of my own." and that was it. I cried but tied to hide the tears. I am thankful for You too dear little one....
We hit a few rough patches but nothing too big. Saturday arrived and After lunch Amaris Sassy and headed out to the mall. First stop was to get her ears pierced, poor baby looked so scared sitting in that tall chair. But the grin that covered her face as she looked in the hand mirror the lady gave her was priceless!! I got my first hug!! Then it was off to shop for her first day of school outfit. We looked and looked and looked until we FINALLY found the perfect outfit, complete with a fancy pair of black sequined high top sneakers.
Just as we were preparing to leave the mall I looked at my 2 girls, standing side by side, it struck me, out of nowhere. I realized just how amazing God is. These girls look like sisters. Same color hair, EXACT same eyes....not close tot he same but the exact same color. Why I am sometimes caught by surprise when He cares for the small things, I don't know. But this day, it brought great joy to this mamas heart that God loved my girls so much that He created them in separate wombs to look so much alike! Amazing!
On the way home we stopped at the stores to purchase the ingredients for Sassy's meal, she wanted to plan a dinner for the family and help me prepare it. Only, when we got home she never did come into the kitchen.
Sunday was a bit more rough than the previous 4, but I think she is just nervous, not knowing what to expect tomorrow as she begins her journey at school. I am convinced she will fall in love with our school, her teacher and she will make a new friend right away!
I am so excited to watch and see how our journey unfolds. God is faithful, so I know even when we hit a rough spot or 2 or 10 He will be right there to carry us through it, especially since this was HIS idea.
Please pray with us as we walk out HIS amazing plans for all of us!!
Sunday, November 18, 2012
Dear Jonah,
This is a blog post about your story. The story I will one day sit down with you and share. When your heart is yearning for information and your mind is wondering about where your story began. I am going to record for you here what I can. The rest will have to wait until you get big. Not size big but age big, you know, like Dominique big.
I was sitting at the kitchen table working on Dropz of Hope business when I received the call. Iowa Kids Net was on the phone the lady was kind and gentle and very careful in her questioning. She wanted to know if we had adopted a little boy in 2008 and was his birthdate 8/25. When I responded that yes, we had. She informed me that his mother had just had a new baby boy the day before and they would like very much if we would consider taking care of the new baby so he could be with his big brother.
Jonah, I must tell you, Daddy and Mommy have a deal. Whenever we get a call about taking a ne child into our home we NEVER say yes with out praying about it and talking to each other. This was the first time that I broke that agreement. My mind was racing in a million different directions. Finally I took a deep breath and whispered a prayer, Lord, please forgive me for breaking this agreement. Then I told the lady Yes, we will take the baby. When and where should we pick him up? I was told that your worker would be calling me soon.
It seemed like an eternity had passed before Dana called me back. We agreed that I would meet her up in the waiting room at the hopsital and that you would be released to me. I was so nervous. I worked with your birth mom before with your brother and I was not sure what to expect this time. I knew it was very mportant to show her love and compassion becaus ei knew just like with your brother, she must love you very much and this must be a very difficult time for her.
Finally after arriving at the hopsital, talking with the nurse and with Dana, we decided you needed a little more time with your birth mom, so I left the hospital for a few hours, I went shopping and bought you some clothes, diapers and other things you would need. I went back up to the hospital, met with Dana and the nurse again. Then I was taken to the room where you were with your birth mom and her friends. She had friends with her so she wouldnt be along, I was so grateful for that.
I brought you home that night but we did not tell anyone who you really were. Daddy and mommy decided to keep that a secret for a while until we figured out what would happen.
Time went by you were not well. We spent many hours in the doctors offices and hospitals over the next few months. Molly you worker and Ashley your FSRP were so wonderful. They loved you so much and always always took great care of you.
We learned in June 2012 that the judges in the apeals court had made the decision to uphold the ruling of your judge and made it possible for us to move forward with your adoption and make you a forever part of our family, You were already a forever part of my heart. We had a lot of work to do before we could have our big day.
You and mommy spent many more hours with doctors in offices and hospitals while they tried to find ways to help you grow and eat. Soon the time came when we had enough answere
Finally the day arrived when Mommy nad Daddy had a special meeting with our attorney Mike and signed all the papers.
October 24, 2012 Adotion Day.
I am so very proud of you. You bring a special light into my heart and I could never imagine life without you.
The rest of the story, my sweet boy, will have to wait until you are big, like Dominique.
Love you forever
Mommy
This is a blog post about your story. The story I will one day sit down with you and share. When your heart is yearning for information and your mind is wondering about where your story began. I am going to record for you here what I can. The rest will have to wait until you get big. Not size big but age big, you know, like Dominique big.
I was sitting at the kitchen table working on Dropz of Hope business when I received the call. Iowa Kids Net was on the phone the lady was kind and gentle and very careful in her questioning. She wanted to know if we had adopted a little boy in 2008 and was his birthdate 8/25. When I responded that yes, we had. She informed me that his mother had just had a new baby boy the day before and they would like very much if we would consider taking care of the new baby so he could be with his big brother.
Jonah, I must tell you, Daddy and Mommy have a deal. Whenever we get a call about taking a ne child into our home we NEVER say yes with out praying about it and talking to each other. This was the first time that I broke that agreement. My mind was racing in a million different directions. Finally I took a deep breath and whispered a prayer, Lord, please forgive me for breaking this agreement. Then I told the lady Yes, we will take the baby. When and where should we pick him up? I was told that your worker would be calling me soon.
It seemed like an eternity had passed before Dana called me back. We agreed that I would meet her up in the waiting room at the hopsital and that you would be released to me. I was so nervous. I worked with your birth mom before with your brother and I was not sure what to expect this time. I knew it was very mportant to show her love and compassion becaus ei knew just like with your brother, she must love you very much and this must be a very difficult time for her.
Finally after arriving at the hopsital, talking with the nurse and with Dana, we decided you needed a little more time with your birth mom, so I left the hospital for a few hours, I went shopping and bought you some clothes, diapers and other things you would need. I went back up to the hospital, met with Dana and the nurse again. Then I was taken to the room where you were with your birth mom and her friends. She had friends with her so she wouldnt be along, I was so grateful for that.
I brought you home that night but we did not tell anyone who you really were. Daddy and mommy decided to keep that a secret for a while until we figured out what would happen.
Time went by you were not well. We spent many hours in the doctors offices and hospitals over the next few months. Molly you worker and Ashley your FSRP were so wonderful. They loved you so much and always always took great care of you.
We learned in June 2012 that the judges in the apeals court had made the decision to uphold the ruling of your judge and made it possible for us to move forward with your adoption and make you a forever part of our family, You were already a forever part of my heart. We had a lot of work to do before we could have our big day.
You and mommy spent many more hours with doctors in offices and hospitals while they tried to find ways to help you grow and eat. Soon the time came when we had enough answere
Finally the day arrived when Mommy nad Daddy had a special meeting with our attorney Mike and signed all the papers.
October 24, 2012 Adotion Day.
I am so very proud of you. You bring a special light into my heart and I could never imagine life without you.
The rest of the story, my sweet boy, will have to wait until you are big, like Dominique.
Love you forever
Mommy
Friday, November 16, 2012
I know there are songs and words written about this. But does anyone besides me ever really ponder this:
When I am gone from this life. What will my legacy be?
I do not care to leave a house, car, money or things. I honestly don't. I mean it would be nice if I had those things to bless my children with but. I feel like the real blessings I want to leave them can not be held in the hand but rather in the heart.
I pray my children will remember the love they felt when with me, the gentle touch of my hand on their head, the whisper of prayer over them as they slept, the encouraging words I left hiding randomly.
I want to be remembered as I remember my daddy.
He was the definition of uncondiotional love. I pray I was a good student and learned enough from him to leave the same legacy to my children.
What will I be remembered for when I am gone?
When I am gone from this life. What will my legacy be?
I do not care to leave a house, car, money or things. I honestly don't. I mean it would be nice if I had those things to bless my children with but. I feel like the real blessings I want to leave them can not be held in the hand but rather in the heart.
I pray my children will remember the love they felt when with me, the gentle touch of my hand on their head, the whisper of prayer over them as they slept, the encouraging words I left hiding randomly.
I want to be remembered as I remember my daddy.
He was the definition of uncondiotional love. I pray I was a good student and learned enough from him to leave the same legacy to my children.
What will I be remembered for when I am gone?
Tuesday, November 13, 2012
the condition of my heart
I have a confession to make. The last few months the condition of my heart has been dark and small. I know people on the outside don't always see but it is true. I have been fighting a battle of depression sadness, grief and loss. My heart has had a constant ache that never seems to be soothed. See when you chose a life path such as mine your heart is never your own, it always lies in someone elses hands. I freely give it over it is my choice. It is not always treated kindly and sometimes gets bumped and bruised along the way.
As a mom first, then a foster mom. I have committed my life to loving fully, with my whole heart, no- matter -what. There are bound to be times when that love is not reciprocated. Or is abused. Don't get me wrong. I do not feel that anyone owes me, I give and do not expect to take. Truth be known I am blessed far more than I bless most of the time.
I realized the other day while sitting in my prayer closet, that I have been living in my own thoughts and not HIS. I have been leaning on myself and not HIM. What I realized is that I have allowed myself to become consumed and sucked in like a vacuum by the details of each situation. I have tied the Hands of the ONE who can heal the wounds of my heart. And in that moment I cried out. In that moment I released it all. I released Madison and her situation, I released Spuds and his situation, I released Amaris and Sam's situation, I released Sassy's situation, I released Pumpkin's situation. I cried and prayed. and I asked God not only to forgive me but to help me to remember that all of this is in His hands. He wrote the stories of all our lives millions of years before I was even born. So why do I think I can change the story line part way through the book. Why do I think I have the right to flip to the ending and read ahead.
His story is perfect. I spent some time with him. correcting my attitude and asking for His presence to fill me and surround me as I prepare to move into the next chapter of His great book called "Ang" for the first time I was able to think of it as an amazing book written by the best author of all time. Yes, this book may cause pain sorrow and tears at times but it also will bring joy, peace and celebration. I was blessed by this change in attitude.
Later that day I sat in the window feeling the warmth of the afternoon sun on my face thinking back on my time in the prayer closet. Thinking of each of the special children He has brought into my life. Some to pass through quickly, some to stay for a time and some to stay forever. I can see each beautiful face. I feel so blessed to be chosen as a part of each story. whether it be a line on a page or a chapter or the whole book. It is an honor and I am grateful.
As a mom first, then a foster mom. I have committed my life to loving fully, with my whole heart, no- matter -what. There are bound to be times when that love is not reciprocated. Or is abused. Don't get me wrong. I do not feel that anyone owes me, I give and do not expect to take. Truth be known I am blessed far more than I bless most of the time.
I realized the other day while sitting in my prayer closet, that I have been living in my own thoughts and not HIS. I have been leaning on myself and not HIM. What I realized is that I have allowed myself to become consumed and sucked in like a vacuum by the details of each situation. I have tied the Hands of the ONE who can heal the wounds of my heart. And in that moment I cried out. In that moment I released it all. I released Madison and her situation, I released Spuds and his situation, I released Amaris and Sam's situation, I released Sassy's situation, I released Pumpkin's situation. I cried and prayed. and I asked God not only to forgive me but to help me to remember that all of this is in His hands. He wrote the stories of all our lives millions of years before I was even born. So why do I think I can change the story line part way through the book. Why do I think I have the right to flip to the ending and read ahead.
His story is perfect. I spent some time with him. correcting my attitude and asking for His presence to fill me and surround me as I prepare to move into the next chapter of His great book called "Ang" for the first time I was able to think of it as an amazing book written by the best author of all time. Yes, this book may cause pain sorrow and tears at times but it also will bring joy, peace and celebration. I was blessed by this change in attitude.
Later that day I sat in the window feeling the warmth of the afternoon sun on my face thinking back on my time in the prayer closet. Thinking of each of the special children He has brought into my life. Some to pass through quickly, some to stay for a time and some to stay forever. I can see each beautiful face. I feel so blessed to be chosen as a part of each story. whether it be a line on a page or a chapter or the whole book. It is an honor and I am grateful.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)