I sat in a meeting yesterday. For 4 hours we discussed foster care and adoption and how we can make this corner of the world a better place not only for the children stuck in but also for the families who are loving them through it.
We talked about how difficult our kiddos can be, how difficult it is for people outside of our little world to understand who they are and why they are and how to help them. I have noticed that often times people in churches, schools, stores and even some therapists put a little label on kids. If it looks like the same type of behavior a 'typical' child would exhibit then they EXPECT our children to respond to the same disciplinary system as any other child they have worked with. The problem with that is our children have suffered significant trauma in their young lives. They have seen, heard and experienced many horrific things we could never even imagine. Yet we expect them to function in our framework.We expect them to sit still listen obey and behave the same way any 'typical' child does. This is simply not possible. Our kiddos are fighting a fight within their own heart and head that requires every ounce of strength courage and self control they have, they just do not have any left over to conform to our standards.
Somehow we have to get teachers, counselors and other significant people in the lives of our children to understand that the trauma our children have survived has caused damage. permanent damage. Damage that one can not necessarily see but is there. If our children were physically disabled as a direct result of their trauma everyone would bend over back wards to accommodate their needs. These wounds our children carry are far more debilitating than that of physical wounds. These are wounds of the heart mind and spirit. When you wound their hearts minds and spirits you steal away their ability to cope control understand and function on any level you would consider to be normal.
Trauma causes real brain damage. It is a medically proven fact. Our children have suffered damage to their brains. This means often times they have no control whatsoever on their behavior. We have to help them learn how to rewire their brain around the damage. Our work is tough. Our work will not happen over night.
In the mean time, we have to learn to love these children NO MATTER WHAT. They deserve the best of us. They deserve to be CHOSEN for once and they deserve us to never give up. No matter how hard it gets if people continually give up on them then where will they be?
If you see a child throwing a grand mall tantrum screaming obscenities throwing things kicking and hitting. do not stare, do not engage, do not judge. You have no idea what the root is that has caused this malfunction to happen in the first place. If you see a child like my Sam who rarely smiles, do not tease him do not try to force him to smile, do not assume he has Aspergers simply because he has no idea how to be social. meet each child at their level on their needs and love them where they are. Giving consistent unconditional love and support is the first best step to healing the hearts minds and spirits of our children.