I woke this morning and all I could think about while I was showering and scampering about trying to motivate sleepy head children to move themselves along was my old pink Bible I love this Bible, it is about 20 years old, a little rough around the edges has lost its binding and has some wrinkles.....But this morning for some reason it was important to me to find it and pull it into my lap. So, in the 40 minutes I have between the first bus pulling away from the house and the need to wake the next round of kiddos up I rummaged through a couple drawers and there in the bottom of the 2nd drawer I found it nestled amongst a pile of important papers. Carefully I slid it out of its spot n the drawer, poured a fresh cup of coffee and settled in to the cozy corner of the couch.
I found many precious gems inside. I had no idea WHY I needed this Bible today But God did....and as I thumbed through aimlessly He began to reveal what exactly He wanted me to see.
The first thing I came across was a special group of verses that as I read I felt pressed to send them to a friend. So I signed on to Facebook said a quick prayer and sent her a special private message with the verses and a note....
Then I found this a devotional with notes scrawled all over it:
Christian are sometimes accused of being so heavenly-minded that they are No earthly good.
I let this settle in and expand in my mind.
We get caught up in choir rehearsals bible studies and other Church activities and ignore needs around us. When problems are brought to our attention, we content ourselves with feeling sorry about them while doing nothing. But sympathetic thoughts or kindly musings are not true compassion.
I sat back a moment. Thinking over the past few days, weeks months and year.....how many times have I wrapped my problems around my shoulders like a favorite blanket and blinded my eyes from seeing the needs of those around me. Lord, please forgive my lack of active compassion. Help me to be less for myself and more for You and those You position in my path. Lord, please let me SEE them when You send them.
True compassion is personal, active involvement that expresses God's merciful heart in words and in deeds.
God's people are to clothe themselves with compassion (Colossians 3:12). We are to meet others' needs, not to continually satisfy our own selfish desires. As God showers us with comfort through His Word and through other believers, we in turn are to redirect the stream of His mercy to others. We are not to hoard God's love, but to overflow with the good news of His compassion to all.
2 Corinthians 1:3-4
Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves have received from God.
WAIT a MINUTE!!
I have said this of my life and the crazy journeys I have traveled since I was a small child. I remember the first time I thought this very thought. I was sitting with Gramma Van Cleave on the front porch. During this time I was spending more time with my grandparents than ever before since Daddy had gone to California and we had to stay behind until the house sold. I was feeling sorry for myself of the horrible situation I had landed in and was looking for pity from Gramma and when our talk was done without her actually speaking these words I walked away feeling them.
Later after my parents divorced and I found myself again in a difficult situation.
again later when we had to leave home and move to NJ
again in high school when I had cancer and was forced to take the GED instead of finish out my senior year with all y classmates.
again when I found myself a single mother....
again when Daddy became too ill to care for himself so I quit college and moved Dominique and myself back home to care for him.
again and again I began to see THIS verse threaded throughout my life. And I realized. God was gently and lovingly reminding me of the importance of this verse. He reminded me that I need to look differently n the situations I find myself in right now.
The situation with my sweet little pumpkin. I have no idea what God has planned out from here on but I do know that He chose me to be a part of the plan if not forever at least for now. And today that is enough.
The situation with Madison. I love her so much. I have always loved her as if she were my very own daughter. I was her mother caregiver advocate fighter supporter cheerleader and more for so many years. I have really struggled these past 2 years with her running away and her choices. But today God reminded me that he DOES have a special place for me in her journey, even if that means my part is being forced to an end I still matter and I still made a difference. and I will always love her. so much.
Then I was reminded of conversations I have had with other parents recently. Parents going through the same foster type situations as we have over the years. Parents parenting children struggling with mental illness and the heartache it brings.
and then. the light went on.
Thank you Lord, for loving me enough to remind me of why I am here. Why You chose me to carry the burdens of this journey. Thank you for showing me that these are in fact not burdens but lessons I need to learn in order that I may help change anothers life. Thank you for trusting me enough to give these lessons and for loving me always and no matter what my attitude may be.
I am Blessed!
Wednesday, November 28, 2012
Tuesday, November 27, 2012
I love when God arranges for us to meet people. To cross paths at just the right moment.
Sunday evening I attended a conference in Des Moines promoting adoption, I went as a representative for Dropz of Hope. One of the speakers was a young lady who is a house parent for Safe Haven. She spoke briefly of a young lady who lives at the home, this young lady is 17 pregnant with twins and is looking for the perfect family to adopt her twins. (slow down! I did not volunteer! silly!!) but I did look for her after the conference so I could get some information just in case I needed it to pass on to a family or 2. I missed her, she left before I had the chance. I made a mental note to follow up if I had time later in the week.
Monday evening Samuel had a music concert at school. Our music teacher is amazing, she is energetic and talented!!! She is one of those people that you can see her love for the children without even knowing her you know her heart. I love her. She has always been sensitive and kind to each one of my kiddos and made special efforts to reach them and touch their hearts with music. She made a special effort to include Miss Sassy Pants even though that was her first day at the school and she technically was not a part of the musical program.
Anyway, I got to talking with her after the program, and some how, I have no idea how, but we got on to the topic of the conference and I told her about the lady from the conference. She told me she knew of a family who desperately wants to adopt and would be amazing parents AND they are open to twins! As we continued talking she quietly shared who the family was. I happen to know them and know how amazing they are. I promised to gather info and send it to her in the morning.
This morning after I put the last round of kiddos on their bus I looked up the number and called the gal from the conference. We talked and talked and before I knew it we had been on the phone more than an hour. She did give me all the details for my friend. But as we talked we learned that we share the same God given passion. We were talking about adoptions I shared a little about how God formed my sweet family. How HE chose each child and placed them in our home for a special reason at a special time. I told her I understand the need for overseas adoptions, I understand the call for people to rescue the orphans of this world, But my heart cries for the children of our own community, the children who walk the halls of our schools. The children in our churches, neighborhoods, right here in our own back yard. My heart weeps for these children and I KNOW God has called me to be His hands and feet here. I often feel like I am a missionary only I never leave home.
I could feel her excitement through the phone line. as she poured her heart out to me and shared she had felt the same calling since she was a small child. At the end of our conversation we agreed that we need to get together sometime soon.
I love when God crosses 2 paths and connects 2 hearts that are filled with the same passion. It feeds my soul and gives me strength!
Please pray for those twin babies, that God would choose the perfect family for them. Secretly I am praying He chooses my friend. She will be the most amazing mommy someday and I am praying it is SOON!
Sunday evening I attended a conference in Des Moines promoting adoption, I went as a representative for Dropz of Hope. One of the speakers was a young lady who is a house parent for Safe Haven. She spoke briefly of a young lady who lives at the home, this young lady is 17 pregnant with twins and is looking for the perfect family to adopt her twins. (slow down! I did not volunteer! silly!!) but I did look for her after the conference so I could get some information just in case I needed it to pass on to a family or 2. I missed her, she left before I had the chance. I made a mental note to follow up if I had time later in the week.
Monday evening Samuel had a music concert at school. Our music teacher is amazing, she is energetic and talented!!! She is one of those people that you can see her love for the children without even knowing her you know her heart. I love her. She has always been sensitive and kind to each one of my kiddos and made special efforts to reach them and touch their hearts with music. She made a special effort to include Miss Sassy Pants even though that was her first day at the school and she technically was not a part of the musical program.
Anyway, I got to talking with her after the program, and some how, I have no idea how, but we got on to the topic of the conference and I told her about the lady from the conference. She told me she knew of a family who desperately wants to adopt and would be amazing parents AND they are open to twins! As we continued talking she quietly shared who the family was. I happen to know them and know how amazing they are. I promised to gather info and send it to her in the morning.
This morning after I put the last round of kiddos on their bus I looked up the number and called the gal from the conference. We talked and talked and before I knew it we had been on the phone more than an hour. She did give me all the details for my friend. But as we talked we learned that we share the same God given passion. We were talking about adoptions I shared a little about how God formed my sweet family. How HE chose each child and placed them in our home for a special reason at a special time. I told her I understand the need for overseas adoptions, I understand the call for people to rescue the orphans of this world, But my heart cries for the children of our own community, the children who walk the halls of our schools. The children in our churches, neighborhoods, right here in our own back yard. My heart weeps for these children and I KNOW God has called me to be His hands and feet here. I often feel like I am a missionary only I never leave home.
I could feel her excitement through the phone line. as she poured her heart out to me and shared she had felt the same calling since she was a small child. At the end of our conversation we agreed that we need to get together sometime soon.
I love when God crosses 2 paths and connects 2 hearts that are filled with the same passion. It feeds my soul and gives me strength!
Please pray for those twin babies, that God would choose the perfect family for them. Secretly I am praying He chooses my friend. She will be the most amazing mommy someday and I am praying it is SOON!
I sat in a meeting yesterday. For 4 hours we discussed foster care and adoption and how we can make this corner of the world a better place not only for the children stuck in but also for the families who are loving them through it.
We talked about how difficult our kiddos can be, how difficult it is for people outside of our little world to understand who they are and why they are and how to help them. I have noticed that often times people in churches, schools, stores and even some therapists put a little label on kids. If it looks like the same type of behavior a 'typical' child would exhibit then they EXPECT our children to respond to the same disciplinary system as any other child they have worked with. The problem with that is our children have suffered significant trauma in their young lives. They have seen, heard and experienced many horrific things we could never even imagine. Yet we expect them to function in our framework.We expect them to sit still listen obey and behave the same way any 'typical' child does. This is simply not possible. Our kiddos are fighting a fight within their own heart and head that requires every ounce of strength courage and self control they have, they just do not have any left over to conform to our standards.
Somehow we have to get teachers, counselors and other significant people in the lives of our children to understand that the trauma our children have survived has caused damage. permanent damage. Damage that one can not necessarily see but is there. If our children were physically disabled as a direct result of their trauma everyone would bend over back wards to accommodate their needs. These wounds our children carry are far more debilitating than that of physical wounds. These are wounds of the heart mind and spirit. When you wound their hearts minds and spirits you steal away their ability to cope control understand and function on any level you would consider to be normal.
Trauma causes real brain damage. It is a medically proven fact. Our children have suffered damage to their brains. This means often times they have no control whatsoever on their behavior. We have to help them learn how to rewire their brain around the damage. Our work is tough. Our work will not happen over night.
In the mean time, we have to learn to love these children NO MATTER WHAT. They deserve the best of us. They deserve to be CHOSEN for once and they deserve us to never give up. No matter how hard it gets if people continually give up on them then where will they be?
If you see a child throwing a grand mall tantrum screaming obscenities throwing things kicking and hitting. do not stare, do not engage, do not judge. You have no idea what the root is that has caused this malfunction to happen in the first place. If you see a child like my Sam who rarely smiles, do not tease him do not try to force him to smile, do not assume he has Aspergers simply because he has no idea how to be social. meet each child at their level on their needs and love them where they are. Giving consistent unconditional love and support is the first best step to healing the hearts minds and spirits of our children.
We talked about how difficult our kiddos can be, how difficult it is for people outside of our little world to understand who they are and why they are and how to help them. I have noticed that often times people in churches, schools, stores and even some therapists put a little label on kids. If it looks like the same type of behavior a 'typical' child would exhibit then they EXPECT our children to respond to the same disciplinary system as any other child they have worked with. The problem with that is our children have suffered significant trauma in their young lives. They have seen, heard and experienced many horrific things we could never even imagine. Yet we expect them to function in our framework.We expect them to sit still listen obey and behave the same way any 'typical' child does. This is simply not possible. Our kiddos are fighting a fight within their own heart and head that requires every ounce of strength courage and self control they have, they just do not have any left over to conform to our standards.
Somehow we have to get teachers, counselors and other significant people in the lives of our children to understand that the trauma our children have survived has caused damage. permanent damage. Damage that one can not necessarily see but is there. If our children were physically disabled as a direct result of their trauma everyone would bend over back wards to accommodate their needs. These wounds our children carry are far more debilitating than that of physical wounds. These are wounds of the heart mind and spirit. When you wound their hearts minds and spirits you steal away their ability to cope control understand and function on any level you would consider to be normal.
Trauma causes real brain damage. It is a medically proven fact. Our children have suffered damage to their brains. This means often times they have no control whatsoever on their behavior. We have to help them learn how to rewire their brain around the damage. Our work is tough. Our work will not happen over night.
In the mean time, we have to learn to love these children NO MATTER WHAT. They deserve the best of us. They deserve to be CHOSEN for once and they deserve us to never give up. No matter how hard it gets if people continually give up on them then where will they be?
If you see a child throwing a grand mall tantrum screaming obscenities throwing things kicking and hitting. do not stare, do not engage, do not judge. You have no idea what the root is that has caused this malfunction to happen in the first place. If you see a child like my Sam who rarely smiles, do not tease him do not try to force him to smile, do not assume he has Aspergers simply because he has no idea how to be social. meet each child at their level on their needs and love them where they are. Giving consistent unconditional love and support is the first best step to healing the hearts minds and spirits of our children.
Monday, November 26, 2012
Little Miss Sassy Pants
It was the day before Thanksgiving. I had a very small window of time to drive 2 hours and 30 minutes to Mason City to have a discharge meeting and get back home before the kiddos got home from school. As soon as the last round of kiddos got on the bus, I got our faithful babysitter settled in and hit the road.
On the drive My mind wandered to many places. I let it wander back to the day I first learned of her. I allowed myself to linger on each moment of our journey, the sweet to the not so sweet. The happy and the sad. The tough and rewarding. What an interesting journey this has been. I love how God is in every moment in every detail He never ceases to blow my mind in His attention to detail and His awesome sense of humor.
As I got closer to my destination I began to imagine what it would be like when I arrived and when I saw her. I envisioned that she would, for the first time run to me, throw her arms around my neck, and squeal how happy she was to see me. I think this vision was more for my own benefit than for hers. Especially since it never happened. Silly me, I knew it wouldn't be like that, but it was nice to imagine. I am still working on earning her trust it will be a while before I get a spontaneous hug.
I arrived and met with the team, then I saw her sweet little face. There she stood looking very small but looking happy and maybe a smidge excited. she smiled one of her sweet genuine smiles the kind that melts your heart from the inside out. I thought to myself...."God, how did I ever live the last 11 years without this sweet girl??"
We loaded up all her worldly belongings, everything she owns fit neatly into 2 Rubbermaid tubs and a raggedy little box. My heart squeezed into itself and I felt a pain for her I had never known before. Lord, please forgive me for my selfish ways and for not appreciating all the wonderful gifts You have so generously given to me.....
The first few miles were silent, I can not imagine what was going on inside of her little head as each mile past and we went further away from what she had known as home for the last 12 months. Heading towards a place she had only visited.
The first thing she asked was if she was still going to get her ears pierced. Of course! was my reply. A big grin broke slowly across her face. Then she was lost in thought again while staring out the window at the passing scenery. Then a very interesting thing happened....she spotted a group of about 8 small deer, she pointed them out to me and then she said "I wonder where their GUARDIAN is....it isn't safe for them to be out there with out a guardian. Her words bounced around inside my head and the more I replayed them the more sad I became. She has no ability to identify with a parent child relationship, she only understand and accepts a child guardian relationship. "God please help me change that soon...."
As the miles passed slowly by, we chatted a little. And arrived home about 10 minute after the kiddos got off the bus. Not too bad!
I have been surprised each day by the lack of issues, I expected the first few days to be a little rough but they have been good. Over all, anyway.
Thanksgiving. As we all sat around the table eagerly waiting the time to dig in, we took turns sharing what we are most thankful for this year. It came around to Sassy and she fidgeted a bit in her seat, I thought maybe she doesn't want to share, just as I opened my mouth to tell her she could pass, she looked at the floor and quietly but in a strong voice said "I am thankful this year I finally have a Real family, of my own." and that was it. I cried but tied to hide the tears. I am thankful for You too dear little one....
We hit a few rough patches but nothing too big. Saturday arrived and After lunch Amaris Sassy and headed out to the mall. First stop was to get her ears pierced, poor baby looked so scared sitting in that tall chair. But the grin that covered her face as she looked in the hand mirror the lady gave her was priceless!! I got my first hug!! Then it was off to shop for her first day of school outfit. We looked and looked and looked until we FINALLY found the perfect outfit, complete with a fancy pair of black sequined high top sneakers.
Just as we were preparing to leave the mall I looked at my 2 girls, standing side by side, it struck me, out of nowhere. I realized just how amazing God is. These girls look like sisters. Same color hair, EXACT same eyes....not close tot he same but the exact same color. Why I am sometimes caught by surprise when He cares for the small things, I don't know. But this day, it brought great joy to this mamas heart that God loved my girls so much that He created them in separate wombs to look so much alike! Amazing!
On the way home we stopped at the stores to purchase the ingredients for Sassy's meal, she wanted to plan a dinner for the family and help me prepare it. Only, when we got home she never did come into the kitchen.
Sunday was a bit more rough than the previous 4, but I think she is just nervous, not knowing what to expect tomorrow as she begins her journey at school. I am convinced she will fall in love with our school, her teacher and she will make a new friend right away!
I am so excited to watch and see how our journey unfolds. God is faithful, so I know even when we hit a rough spot or 2 or 10 He will be right there to carry us through it, especially since this was HIS idea.
Please pray with us as we walk out HIS amazing plans for all of us!!
On the drive My mind wandered to many places. I let it wander back to the day I first learned of her. I allowed myself to linger on each moment of our journey, the sweet to the not so sweet. The happy and the sad. The tough and rewarding. What an interesting journey this has been. I love how God is in every moment in every detail He never ceases to blow my mind in His attention to detail and His awesome sense of humor.
As I got closer to my destination I began to imagine what it would be like when I arrived and when I saw her. I envisioned that she would, for the first time run to me, throw her arms around my neck, and squeal how happy she was to see me. I think this vision was more for my own benefit than for hers. Especially since it never happened. Silly me, I knew it wouldn't be like that, but it was nice to imagine. I am still working on earning her trust it will be a while before I get a spontaneous hug.
I arrived and met with the team, then I saw her sweet little face. There she stood looking very small but looking happy and maybe a smidge excited. she smiled one of her sweet genuine smiles the kind that melts your heart from the inside out. I thought to myself...."God, how did I ever live the last 11 years without this sweet girl??"
We loaded up all her worldly belongings, everything she owns fit neatly into 2 Rubbermaid tubs and a raggedy little box. My heart squeezed into itself and I felt a pain for her I had never known before. Lord, please forgive me for my selfish ways and for not appreciating all the wonderful gifts You have so generously given to me.....
The first few miles were silent, I can not imagine what was going on inside of her little head as each mile past and we went further away from what she had known as home for the last 12 months. Heading towards a place she had only visited.
The first thing she asked was if she was still going to get her ears pierced. Of course! was my reply. A big grin broke slowly across her face. Then she was lost in thought again while staring out the window at the passing scenery. Then a very interesting thing happened....she spotted a group of about 8 small deer, she pointed them out to me and then she said "I wonder where their GUARDIAN is....it isn't safe for them to be out there with out a guardian. Her words bounced around inside my head and the more I replayed them the more sad I became. She has no ability to identify with a parent child relationship, she only understand and accepts a child guardian relationship. "God please help me change that soon...."
As the miles passed slowly by, we chatted a little. And arrived home about 10 minute after the kiddos got off the bus. Not too bad!
I have been surprised each day by the lack of issues, I expected the first few days to be a little rough but they have been good. Over all, anyway.
Thanksgiving. As we all sat around the table eagerly waiting the time to dig in, we took turns sharing what we are most thankful for this year. It came around to Sassy and she fidgeted a bit in her seat, I thought maybe she doesn't want to share, just as I opened my mouth to tell her she could pass, she looked at the floor and quietly but in a strong voice said "I am thankful this year I finally have a Real family, of my own." and that was it. I cried but tied to hide the tears. I am thankful for You too dear little one....
We hit a few rough patches but nothing too big. Saturday arrived and After lunch Amaris Sassy and headed out to the mall. First stop was to get her ears pierced, poor baby looked so scared sitting in that tall chair. But the grin that covered her face as she looked in the hand mirror the lady gave her was priceless!! I got my first hug!! Then it was off to shop for her first day of school outfit. We looked and looked and looked until we FINALLY found the perfect outfit, complete with a fancy pair of black sequined high top sneakers.
Just as we were preparing to leave the mall I looked at my 2 girls, standing side by side, it struck me, out of nowhere. I realized just how amazing God is. These girls look like sisters. Same color hair, EXACT same eyes....not close tot he same but the exact same color. Why I am sometimes caught by surprise when He cares for the small things, I don't know. But this day, it brought great joy to this mamas heart that God loved my girls so much that He created them in separate wombs to look so much alike! Amazing!
On the way home we stopped at the stores to purchase the ingredients for Sassy's meal, she wanted to plan a dinner for the family and help me prepare it. Only, when we got home she never did come into the kitchen.
Sunday was a bit more rough than the previous 4, but I think she is just nervous, not knowing what to expect tomorrow as she begins her journey at school. I am convinced she will fall in love with our school, her teacher and she will make a new friend right away!
I am so excited to watch and see how our journey unfolds. God is faithful, so I know even when we hit a rough spot or 2 or 10 He will be right there to carry us through it, especially since this was HIS idea.
Please pray with us as we walk out HIS amazing plans for all of us!!
Sunday, November 18, 2012
Dear Jonah,
This is a blog post about your story. The story I will one day sit down with you and share. When your heart is yearning for information and your mind is wondering about where your story began. I am going to record for you here what I can. The rest will have to wait until you get big. Not size big but age big, you know, like Dominique big.
I was sitting at the kitchen table working on Dropz of Hope business when I received the call. Iowa Kids Net was on the phone the lady was kind and gentle and very careful in her questioning. She wanted to know if we had adopted a little boy in 2008 and was his birthdate 8/25. When I responded that yes, we had. She informed me that his mother had just had a new baby boy the day before and they would like very much if we would consider taking care of the new baby so he could be with his big brother.
Jonah, I must tell you, Daddy and Mommy have a deal. Whenever we get a call about taking a ne child into our home we NEVER say yes with out praying about it and talking to each other. This was the first time that I broke that agreement. My mind was racing in a million different directions. Finally I took a deep breath and whispered a prayer, Lord, please forgive me for breaking this agreement. Then I told the lady Yes, we will take the baby. When and where should we pick him up? I was told that your worker would be calling me soon.
It seemed like an eternity had passed before Dana called me back. We agreed that I would meet her up in the waiting room at the hopsital and that you would be released to me. I was so nervous. I worked with your birth mom before with your brother and I was not sure what to expect this time. I knew it was very mportant to show her love and compassion becaus ei knew just like with your brother, she must love you very much and this must be a very difficult time for her.
Finally after arriving at the hopsital, talking with the nurse and with Dana, we decided you needed a little more time with your birth mom, so I left the hospital for a few hours, I went shopping and bought you some clothes, diapers and other things you would need. I went back up to the hospital, met with Dana and the nurse again. Then I was taken to the room where you were with your birth mom and her friends. She had friends with her so she wouldnt be along, I was so grateful for that.
I brought you home that night but we did not tell anyone who you really were. Daddy and mommy decided to keep that a secret for a while until we figured out what would happen.
Time went by you were not well. We spent many hours in the doctors offices and hospitals over the next few months. Molly you worker and Ashley your FSRP were so wonderful. They loved you so much and always always took great care of you.
We learned in June 2012 that the judges in the apeals court had made the decision to uphold the ruling of your judge and made it possible for us to move forward with your adoption and make you a forever part of our family, You were already a forever part of my heart. We had a lot of work to do before we could have our big day.
You and mommy spent many more hours with doctors in offices and hospitals while they tried to find ways to help you grow and eat. Soon the time came when we had enough answere
Finally the day arrived when Mommy nad Daddy had a special meeting with our attorney Mike and signed all the papers.
October 24, 2012 Adotion Day.
I am so very proud of you. You bring a special light into my heart and I could never imagine life without you.
The rest of the story, my sweet boy, will have to wait until you are big, like Dominique.
Love you forever
Mommy
This is a blog post about your story. The story I will one day sit down with you and share. When your heart is yearning for information and your mind is wondering about where your story began. I am going to record for you here what I can. The rest will have to wait until you get big. Not size big but age big, you know, like Dominique big.
I was sitting at the kitchen table working on Dropz of Hope business when I received the call. Iowa Kids Net was on the phone the lady was kind and gentle and very careful in her questioning. She wanted to know if we had adopted a little boy in 2008 and was his birthdate 8/25. When I responded that yes, we had. She informed me that his mother had just had a new baby boy the day before and they would like very much if we would consider taking care of the new baby so he could be with his big brother.
Jonah, I must tell you, Daddy and Mommy have a deal. Whenever we get a call about taking a ne child into our home we NEVER say yes with out praying about it and talking to each other. This was the first time that I broke that agreement. My mind was racing in a million different directions. Finally I took a deep breath and whispered a prayer, Lord, please forgive me for breaking this agreement. Then I told the lady Yes, we will take the baby. When and where should we pick him up? I was told that your worker would be calling me soon.
It seemed like an eternity had passed before Dana called me back. We agreed that I would meet her up in the waiting room at the hopsital and that you would be released to me. I was so nervous. I worked with your birth mom before with your brother and I was not sure what to expect this time. I knew it was very mportant to show her love and compassion becaus ei knew just like with your brother, she must love you very much and this must be a very difficult time for her.
Finally after arriving at the hopsital, talking with the nurse and with Dana, we decided you needed a little more time with your birth mom, so I left the hospital for a few hours, I went shopping and bought you some clothes, diapers and other things you would need. I went back up to the hospital, met with Dana and the nurse again. Then I was taken to the room where you were with your birth mom and her friends. She had friends with her so she wouldnt be along, I was so grateful for that.
I brought you home that night but we did not tell anyone who you really were. Daddy and mommy decided to keep that a secret for a while until we figured out what would happen.
Time went by you were not well. We spent many hours in the doctors offices and hospitals over the next few months. Molly you worker and Ashley your FSRP were so wonderful. They loved you so much and always always took great care of you.
We learned in June 2012 that the judges in the apeals court had made the decision to uphold the ruling of your judge and made it possible for us to move forward with your adoption and make you a forever part of our family, You were already a forever part of my heart. We had a lot of work to do before we could have our big day.
You and mommy spent many more hours with doctors in offices and hospitals while they tried to find ways to help you grow and eat. Soon the time came when we had enough answere
Finally the day arrived when Mommy nad Daddy had a special meeting with our attorney Mike and signed all the papers.
October 24, 2012 Adotion Day.
I am so very proud of you. You bring a special light into my heart and I could never imagine life without you.
The rest of the story, my sweet boy, will have to wait until you are big, like Dominique.
Love you forever
Mommy
Friday, November 16, 2012
I know there are songs and words written about this. But does anyone besides me ever really ponder this:
When I am gone from this life. What will my legacy be?
I do not care to leave a house, car, money or things. I honestly don't. I mean it would be nice if I had those things to bless my children with but. I feel like the real blessings I want to leave them can not be held in the hand but rather in the heart.
I pray my children will remember the love they felt when with me, the gentle touch of my hand on their head, the whisper of prayer over them as they slept, the encouraging words I left hiding randomly.
I want to be remembered as I remember my daddy.
He was the definition of uncondiotional love. I pray I was a good student and learned enough from him to leave the same legacy to my children.
What will I be remembered for when I am gone?
When I am gone from this life. What will my legacy be?
I do not care to leave a house, car, money or things. I honestly don't. I mean it would be nice if I had those things to bless my children with but. I feel like the real blessings I want to leave them can not be held in the hand but rather in the heart.
I pray my children will remember the love they felt when with me, the gentle touch of my hand on their head, the whisper of prayer over them as they slept, the encouraging words I left hiding randomly.
I want to be remembered as I remember my daddy.
He was the definition of uncondiotional love. I pray I was a good student and learned enough from him to leave the same legacy to my children.
What will I be remembered for when I am gone?
Tuesday, November 13, 2012
the condition of my heart
I have a confession to make. The last few months the condition of my heart has been dark and small. I know people on the outside don't always see but it is true. I have been fighting a battle of depression sadness, grief and loss. My heart has had a constant ache that never seems to be soothed. See when you chose a life path such as mine your heart is never your own, it always lies in someone elses hands. I freely give it over it is my choice. It is not always treated kindly and sometimes gets bumped and bruised along the way.
As a mom first, then a foster mom. I have committed my life to loving fully, with my whole heart, no- matter -what. There are bound to be times when that love is not reciprocated. Or is abused. Don't get me wrong. I do not feel that anyone owes me, I give and do not expect to take. Truth be known I am blessed far more than I bless most of the time.
I realized the other day while sitting in my prayer closet, that I have been living in my own thoughts and not HIS. I have been leaning on myself and not HIM. What I realized is that I have allowed myself to become consumed and sucked in like a vacuum by the details of each situation. I have tied the Hands of the ONE who can heal the wounds of my heart. And in that moment I cried out. In that moment I released it all. I released Madison and her situation, I released Spuds and his situation, I released Amaris and Sam's situation, I released Sassy's situation, I released Pumpkin's situation. I cried and prayed. and I asked God not only to forgive me but to help me to remember that all of this is in His hands. He wrote the stories of all our lives millions of years before I was even born. So why do I think I can change the story line part way through the book. Why do I think I have the right to flip to the ending and read ahead.
His story is perfect. I spent some time with him. correcting my attitude and asking for His presence to fill me and surround me as I prepare to move into the next chapter of His great book called "Ang" for the first time I was able to think of it as an amazing book written by the best author of all time. Yes, this book may cause pain sorrow and tears at times but it also will bring joy, peace and celebration. I was blessed by this change in attitude.
Later that day I sat in the window feeling the warmth of the afternoon sun on my face thinking back on my time in the prayer closet. Thinking of each of the special children He has brought into my life. Some to pass through quickly, some to stay for a time and some to stay forever. I can see each beautiful face. I feel so blessed to be chosen as a part of each story. whether it be a line on a page or a chapter or the whole book. It is an honor and I am grateful.
As a mom first, then a foster mom. I have committed my life to loving fully, with my whole heart, no- matter -what. There are bound to be times when that love is not reciprocated. Or is abused. Don't get me wrong. I do not feel that anyone owes me, I give and do not expect to take. Truth be known I am blessed far more than I bless most of the time.
I realized the other day while sitting in my prayer closet, that I have been living in my own thoughts and not HIS. I have been leaning on myself and not HIM. What I realized is that I have allowed myself to become consumed and sucked in like a vacuum by the details of each situation. I have tied the Hands of the ONE who can heal the wounds of my heart. And in that moment I cried out. In that moment I released it all. I released Madison and her situation, I released Spuds and his situation, I released Amaris and Sam's situation, I released Sassy's situation, I released Pumpkin's situation. I cried and prayed. and I asked God not only to forgive me but to help me to remember that all of this is in His hands. He wrote the stories of all our lives millions of years before I was even born. So why do I think I can change the story line part way through the book. Why do I think I have the right to flip to the ending and read ahead.
His story is perfect. I spent some time with him. correcting my attitude and asking for His presence to fill me and surround me as I prepare to move into the next chapter of His great book called "Ang" for the first time I was able to think of it as an amazing book written by the best author of all time. Yes, this book may cause pain sorrow and tears at times but it also will bring joy, peace and celebration. I was blessed by this change in attitude.
Later that day I sat in the window feeling the warmth of the afternoon sun on my face thinking back on my time in the prayer closet. Thinking of each of the special children He has brought into my life. Some to pass through quickly, some to stay for a time and some to stay forever. I can see each beautiful face. I feel so blessed to be chosen as a part of each story. whether it be a line on a page or a chapter or the whole book. It is an honor and I am grateful.
Monday, October 29, 2012
I have been absent from the blogging world for good reason. Madison. When she is in a cycle it is difficult for me to write. The words form in my head and in my heart but they get stuck somewhere before they apear on paper.If you are absent during my struggle dont expect to be present during my success. Will Smith
I have tried not to write about her. Mostly because I do not appreciate judgemental mean comments on my blog. This is my space where I am able to express my heart. My experiences in my life as I feel it live it and breath it. I LOVE to hear from others but do not wish to be bashed over my feelings. Which is what always happens when I blog about Madison.
Today, I saw the above quote on her facebook page. I have mixed feelings about this being on her page.
IF she was directing this at us. Of course I have no idea who she is directing it to. She is dead wrong.
We have been there for her every moment of every day for the past 17 years. She is the one who pushed us away. She walked out. She lied many lies about us to others. She is burning bridges before she even gets off.
We offered to help her. But our help is contingent on her willingness to get help for herself. She needs help. I am not being mean. I am not judging her. I will NOT be posting details on here in order to protect her and her privacy. She doesnt want help. She wants people to support and allow her to continue making the choices she is currently making.
In our defense.
We have always loved her unconditionally no matter what. That has never changed. We still love her just like that. She is making very poor choices in her life and those choices are preventing us from being in a position to be able to help.
I am done standing by and allowing her to lie to get what she wants. If she has said anything to you about Scott or about me do us all a favor and check it out before believing and repeating it.
Wednesday, September 26, 2012
As a mom to many I find it difficult at times to find that balance. I am not even seeking a perfect balance. Just a balance in general.
For example how is it possible to be filled to over flowing with pride in one childs accomplishments and so very disappointed in another childs choices? Do you ever feel guilty in rejoiceing while mourning anothers losses? I am seeking a better balance. I do not want to rob my desrving children of praise and celebration when they are doing well and achieve amazing things. At the same time I mourn the loss of all the opportunities I could have should have had with another...
For example how is it possible to be filled to over flowing with pride in one childs accomplishments and so very disappointed in another childs choices? Do you ever feel guilty in rejoiceing while mourning anothers losses? I am seeking a better balance. I do not want to rob my desrving children of praise and celebration when they are doing well and achieve amazing things. At the same time I mourn the loss of all the opportunities I could have should have had with another...
Friday, September 21, 2012
pumpkin. leaves. fall. favorite!
I LOVE fall! It is by far my favorite time of year. I love the way the air has a crisp bite to it. I love the smells of burning leaves and harvest. I love filling my house with the smells of cinnamon and maple and baking breads and stew brewing on the stove.
I have really been loving some new pumpkin recipes lately. I made cheese tortellini with a homemade Alfredo sauce with pumpkin in it! YUM!
I made sweet pie pumpkins stuffed with a collard green cheese breadcrumb stuffing. WOW!
For the kids for breakfast pumpkin pancakes and apple cider.
I am making spiced pumpkin muffins tomorrow. For breakfast this morning I filled a couple small pie pumpkins with diced granny smith apples maple flavor, brown sugar and oatmeal baked for 1 hour. Bowl full of heavenly goodness! Next time I will throw in craisins too and maybe roasted pecans.
Tuesday, September 18, 2012
Sam
Sam....oh how I love my Sam. Not joking, not sarcastic. Truth. I love this little guy so much its crazy! Which is why I spend so much time searching for classes and books to educate myself on how to properly parent him, that is why I am willing to travel to Omaha or any where else that may have answers or support. You see. This first photo represents Sam. It is who he is much of the time. It used to make me incredibly sad. He always seems, well, melancholy. What causes this is a mystery. He is loved, well cared for, smart, creative and a ball of energy. We have built special supports for him at school. learned new techniques of parenting for here at home. Nothing ever seemed to change the fact that this was always the look on his face, when he was sad, happy, excited, angry no matter the emotion always the same expression. UNTIL....
 |
| Recently we have been catching THIS LOOK on his sweet face! I can not express how much joy it brings to my heart to see a smile light up his face! I am not sure what the difference is. Could it be our new skills as parents? could it be the counseling? could it be maturity finally catching up? could it be the medication we finally relented and allowed the doctor to prescribe? Maybe it is a combination of all those things. I don't know. What I do know is that I could get used to seeing THIS face more often! |
Baseball dilema
Baseball
Elijah
baseball may as well be Elijah's middle name. He loves baseball more than just about anything in his life. He would eat sleep and breath baseball if it were possible. He has always been a decent player. Chosen for all stars 2 years in a row. 2 years of tournament ball. Then this past spring a couple things happened that affected his performance on the field. I really think it comes down to confidence.
His confidence was damaged because of some things that were out of his control. He began to have seizures. At first they were small and infrequent but by the time the season was in full swing he was having 3 or 5 a day. He was always nervous that he would have one on the field. About half way through the season he made 2 errors in one game and his dad and the coach came down pretty hard on him. Elijah is not the kind of kid who responds to yelling. He just isn't. Some kids do, some kids take that and use it to push forward and do better. Grow. To Elijah it meant he was a disappointment to coach and Dad. Then the next game he began sitting the bench more and more, pretty soon he was riding the bench more than he was playing. This just confirmed to him that he was no longer good enough. All through the season he kept a good attitude he never let anyone see his disappointment and discouragement. The tears would flow only when the doors to the van closed and no one else could see. A huge testimony to his character both on and off the field. Never disrespectful, no tantrums, no pouting. Always encouraging his team and showing up no matter what.
Then came his hospital stay, with that brought hope. He was not crazy. He was not imagining these episodes. Diagnosis and meds and we have a new boy! He was averaging 3-5 episodes a day before meds and now has only had 5 since he started taking them.
His confidence has returned, he is not only more confident on the ball field but also in his day to day activities.
He has had an excellent fall ball season so far. He has regained all of his confidence and built onto it. Coach has realized his potential and he has played most of every game. His character has not changed his attitude has stayed steady. He is stronger and better. I am so proud of him.
So here is the dilemma.
We were on a tournament team we believed he would be on and grow with for the next few years. We had no idea there would be try outs at the end of the spring season. tryouts were the day after Elijah discharged from the hospital. Bright and early that morning he reported to the field and attended try outs. confidence at an all time low.
He did not make the team. He wasn't ready. Had tryouts been even 1 month later that would have made all the difference in the world.
Elijah was devastated. DEVASTATED. I know some people will say. He is only 12. But baseball to him is no different than a dancer putting hours into their art, or a gymnast or swimmer putting hours upon hours of training in each week. It may sound silly to others but Elijah truly does want to play high school then college and onto major league baseball. Do I think he is good enough right now? Heck no. I am not saying he is a super star player. But he is a very good player. He needs mentored encouraged and allowed the opportunity to play. He needs to learn that errors happen even to the best players. We appreciate the coach he has had. He is a good man and a great coach. But in hind-sight he is not the right coach for Elijah at this time.
I will do anything to encourage him and support him and help him to grow and mature into a stronger player.
We have been looking for a new team for Elijah. Not having a team to play for is a very difficult thing for Elijah to imagine.
He likely will try out for 2 or 3 different teams in the next couple weeks.
One of the teams I know he will do well on but has little potential to grow. Another team has great potential to not only grow as a player but to be mentored. The 3rd I really don't know much about.
The dilemma. choosing the right team for Elijah.
Tuesday, September 11, 2012
Having a child or family member with a mental illness is a tricky thing. For me I have spent the better part of the past 17 years being judged and blamed for the mental health condition of one of our children. Yes. There have been times I have been hurt defensive angry and even rude.The interesting thing is that a dear woman told me several years ago that the truth will eventually be revealed it may be a very long time before it happens but it will.
Recently the eyes of a few have been opened to reality. Blinders have been removed and they have been provided an opportunity to see the truth. I am not sure if it will be a breakthrough with lasting effects or if it will be short lived. I have thought many times over the years how would I respond if I was approached by someone who had judged me so harshly. I honestly never came up with a response, the idea was so unfathomable that I could not imagine what I would do.
In the end a few things happened.
1. I felt compassion for the situation the others are in, it is difficult, painful and very sad to see a loved one struggle with mental health problems, to wake up one day and realize things are not what they seemed.
2. I realized something. This is not about me at all. I mean there have been moments over the years that I have known in my head that it was never about me, as a person. This exact thing would have happened to anyone in my position. Once I realized and fully understood that this is truly about my loved one I gained a new perspective. I was surprised not to feel the old familiar urgency to save her, to not feel the sleepless nights taking a toll on my health and mind, not to feel the stress and anxiety, not to fight tears at any given moment.
3. I can love her, pray for what is best for her and for her safety. But I can not change her or her circumstance. Until she wants to change those nothing will be different or better.
I got this email devotion today Titled Second Chances. OK Lord I am listening.....
I believe in second chances, I pray others would offer them to me when I mess up. Along with second chances comes forgiveness. A tough pill to swallow sometimes but one we are expected COMMANDED to...I forgive because I deeply desire to BE forgiven. If I don't truly forgive with every corner of my heart then how could I ever expect others to extend the same unto me?
I was reminded of this.....
"It is of the LORD's mercies that we are not consumed, because his compassions fail not. They are new every morning: great is thy faithfulness" (Lamentations 3:22-23).
Monday, September 10, 2012
Dear Isaiah,
Today you are 16!
As I sit in the quiet before the day begins I am thinking back over your life so far.
You were such a funny little baby. So round and happy.
Even in the very early days of your life you were very selective with the people you would allow to hold you and talk to you. There was only 1 lady in the nursery at church who could hold you, if she wasnt there you would not stay.
As a toddler you were quite particular about everything. You would line all your racecars up in color order. We used to mess up the order when you would turn your back, then you would ball up your little fists and growl at us. So funny.
There were very few people who knew you could even talk....you have always had few words to say. But when you do choose to speak I try to listen. It will either be very funny or very important.
You started playing jokes and tricks on people when you were about 3 years old. You used to set traps for us so we could not get through a room or doorway.
As you have gotten older I still see all these wonderful traits in you. You still are selective of who you speak to and associate with, you are still very funny and love to play jokes on people. Your sense of humor brings me great joy. I love love love to hear you laugh.
Your compassion and caring for others especially your siblings amazes me.
The other day you asked me why I think you are Jonah's favorite. I have thought a lot about that question. I think it is because Jonah feels your peace patience and love when you hold him. You make him feel safe and loved. That is a gift. Keep that always!
I am proud of you, Isaiah.
When I look over your life I see the building of a man, a man who will impact the world around him in a huge way, you will likely remain quiet and reserved but I do not believe that will take away from your abilities to change this world for the better. God placed you on this earth and gave you the gifts blessings and trials He has given for a reason. One day all these things will come together and make sense to you.
I am proud of you. You are one of the most courageous people I have ever known. Happy birthday!
Love
Mom
Today you are 16!
As I sit in the quiet before the day begins I am thinking back over your life so far.
You were such a funny little baby. So round and happy.
Even in the very early days of your life you were very selective with the people you would allow to hold you and talk to you. There was only 1 lady in the nursery at church who could hold you, if she wasnt there you would not stay.
As a toddler you were quite particular about everything. You would line all your racecars up in color order. We used to mess up the order when you would turn your back, then you would ball up your little fists and growl at us. So funny.
There were very few people who knew you could even talk....you have always had few words to say. But when you do choose to speak I try to listen. It will either be very funny or very important.
You started playing jokes and tricks on people when you were about 3 years old. You used to set traps for us so we could not get through a room or doorway.
As you have gotten older I still see all these wonderful traits in you. You still are selective of who you speak to and associate with, you are still very funny and love to play jokes on people. Your sense of humor brings me great joy. I love love love to hear you laugh.
Your compassion and caring for others especially your siblings amazes me.
The other day you asked me why I think you are Jonah's favorite. I have thought a lot about that question. I think it is because Jonah feels your peace patience and love when you hold him. You make him feel safe and loved. That is a gift. Keep that always!
I am proud of you, Isaiah.
When I look over your life I see the building of a man, a man who will impact the world around him in a huge way, you will likely remain quiet and reserved but I do not believe that will take away from your abilities to change this world for the better. God placed you on this earth and gave you the gifts blessings and trials He has given for a reason. One day all these things will come together and make sense to you.
I am proud of you. You are one of the most courageous people I have ever known. Happy birthday!
Love
Mom
Wednesday, September 5, 2012
Prejudice and discrimination have been prevalent throughout human history. Prejudice has to do with the inflexible and irrational attitudes and opinions held by members of one group about another, while discrimination refers to behaviors directed against another group. Being prejudiced usually means having preconceived beliefs about groups of people or cultural practices. Prejudices can either be positive or negative—both forms are usually preconceived and difficult to alter. The negative form of prejudice can lead to discrimination, although it is possible to be prejudiced and not act upon the attitudes. Those who practice discrimination do so to protect opportunities for themselves by denying access to those whom they believe do not deserve the same treatment as everyone else.
**taken from sociology cliff notes**
I chose to preface this post with clear definitions.
Over the years of my life I have been called a lot of things, but prejudice is one I never imagined would be an accusation I would be forced to fend off. At the same time I never in a million years imagined it could become possible that I would miss it when it rears its ugly head around me.
I have raised or helped to raise many children from various ethnic groups and backgrounds. My father raised me to look at the heart of a person when deciding if they were to become a part of my life on any level. Ask yourself questions like: Is he a man of his word? Does he keep his promises? Is he king and thoughtful to those around him? Does he treat his parents well?
Where a person came from, what social class they were raised in, what ethnic group/race/religion/ nationality etc none of these ever came into consideration as my father taught me to choose friends because it was never an issue for him. He had friends who were extremely wealthy and some who were poor, he had friends who had a great deal of influence in our community and friends who had a history of trouble with the law. He had friends who shared the same faith and similar backgrounds and friends who were of various other religious upbringing. My father taught in wealthy school district in California and he taught in the poorest school districts in New Jersey. He loved all of his students, his passion for teaching was the same with the beginning of each new year. All these things I learned from watching him love others with a passionate unconditional love I have never seen before or since.
I strive every day of my life to love others as he showed me to love.
All these reasons lead to why I am so disappointed in myself.
We sat in the our lawn chairs at the drive in movies this past weekend with our dear friends. Chatter turned to this subject mostly because of an incident that occurred with a vehicle occupying the space directly behind us. This incident resulted in us being forced to either move our van to the grassy area on the outside of the drive in property or lose our spot. All because the people behind us complained they could not see over our van. My Sister quietly suggests to me that she felt like they complained because of her and her family being with us. I disagreed with her and our chatter moved in the direction of prejudice. Causing conflict in my heart and mind. I wrestled in the silence that fell at the end of our talk. No way could I have missed such a gesture. Could I??
Her point was proven within moments. A gentleman and his daughter walked up and asked if we attend a particular church, we said yes, he then asked if we were involved in TBQ. I said my kids are new to the program but my Sister's children had been involved for a year. I watched as this man CLEARLY recognized her and the kids but just as clearly pretended they were not present and attempted to talk all about the program with us as if WE were the ones who knew him. My irritation level began to grow as he stood there claiming to be this Christian man who was a coach and leader for kids and teens in TBQ yet he was blatantly and rudely ignoring their presence.
The more I think about this the more angry I become.
Are we not to show love to others no matter what?
Are we not to accept others for their wonderful unique differences?
I mean this is 2012 for crying out loud PEOPLE get a grip!!! Get over your holier than thou attitude that YOU are superior to others simply and solely based on the color of your skin and the status of the church you attend.
I am telling you what.....I would not spend 1 minute in the presence of anyone who bases life decisions and friendships on these things nor would I ever attend a church who supports such idiocracy.
I take great offense to such behavior.
I am disappointed in myself and ashamed that I have so emerged myself into the craziness of my life that I no longer see these things happening around me.
May I be ever aware of these situations and never lose the ability to love no matter what.
**taken from sociology cliff notes**
I chose to preface this post with clear definitions.
Over the years of my life I have been called a lot of things, but prejudice is one I never imagined would be an accusation I would be forced to fend off. At the same time I never in a million years imagined it could become possible that I would miss it when it rears its ugly head around me.
I have raised or helped to raise many children from various ethnic groups and backgrounds. My father raised me to look at the heart of a person when deciding if they were to become a part of my life on any level. Ask yourself questions like: Is he a man of his word? Does he keep his promises? Is he king and thoughtful to those around him? Does he treat his parents well?
Where a person came from, what social class they were raised in, what ethnic group/race/religion/ nationality etc none of these ever came into consideration as my father taught me to choose friends because it was never an issue for him. He had friends who were extremely wealthy and some who were poor, he had friends who had a great deal of influence in our community and friends who had a history of trouble with the law. He had friends who shared the same faith and similar backgrounds and friends who were of various other religious upbringing. My father taught in wealthy school district in California and he taught in the poorest school districts in New Jersey. He loved all of his students, his passion for teaching was the same with the beginning of each new year. All these things I learned from watching him love others with a passionate unconditional love I have never seen before or since.
I strive every day of my life to love others as he showed me to love.
All these reasons lead to why I am so disappointed in myself.
We sat in the our lawn chairs at the drive in movies this past weekend with our dear friends. Chatter turned to this subject mostly because of an incident that occurred with a vehicle occupying the space directly behind us. This incident resulted in us being forced to either move our van to the grassy area on the outside of the drive in property or lose our spot. All because the people behind us complained they could not see over our van. My Sister quietly suggests to me that she felt like they complained because of her and her family being with us. I disagreed with her and our chatter moved in the direction of prejudice. Causing conflict in my heart and mind. I wrestled in the silence that fell at the end of our talk. No way could I have missed such a gesture. Could I??
Her point was proven within moments. A gentleman and his daughter walked up and asked if we attend a particular church, we said yes, he then asked if we were involved in TBQ. I said my kids are new to the program but my Sister's children had been involved for a year. I watched as this man CLEARLY recognized her and the kids but just as clearly pretended they were not present and attempted to talk all about the program with us as if WE were the ones who knew him. My irritation level began to grow as he stood there claiming to be this Christian man who was a coach and leader for kids and teens in TBQ yet he was blatantly and rudely ignoring their presence.
The more I think about this the more angry I become.
Are we not to show love to others no matter what?
Are we not to accept others for their wonderful unique differences?
I mean this is 2012 for crying out loud PEOPLE get a grip!!! Get over your holier than thou attitude that YOU are superior to others simply and solely based on the color of your skin and the status of the church you attend.
I am telling you what.....I would not spend 1 minute in the presence of anyone who bases life decisions and friendships on these things nor would I ever attend a church who supports such idiocracy.
I take great offense to such behavior.
I am disappointed in myself and ashamed that I have so emerged myself into the craziness of my life that I no longer see these things happening around me.
May I be ever aware of these situations and never lose the ability to love no matter what.
Friday, August 31, 2012
Amaris turns 12
Today is Amaris' 12th birthday! 12!!! Holy Guacamole! In some respects it seems like yesterday that she arrived, pale scared and sick. Tiny for her age and old beyonde her years. and in some respects it really does feel like nearly 10 years. I am so proud of the progress she has made over the years. Amaris you are growing into a beautiful young lady with a heart that is soft for the world around you. Never change that. Keep seeking ways to help others. I love you bunches!
I took this photo of the Birthday Girl just before her bus came this morning!
BEAUTIFUL
one of my greatest fears
Thus far, Burrito's wandering problem has been isolated to specific places. IE: from home to the park or into a neighbors house (uninvited) the grocery store, church, baseball games,etc.
Yesterday one of my greatest fears became a reality. Before I tell you the story let me tell you a little about wandering also known as BOLTING ELOPING RUNNING
We have spent a great amount of time studying this unique issue. We have developed safety plans. We have taken him to all the neighbors and explained our problem and built a nice sized bubble of responsible adults around him who will keep an extra close eye on him and bring home if seen wandering. When out in the community we make sure he has a 1:1 with at least one of our oldest if not a parent or other adult. We are trying to find financing for a tall privacy fence for our yard, also for an alarm system in our home. We have contacted the local police and fire and informed them of his problem. We THOUGHT we had covered all bases. Which is why yesterday took me by surprise and shook me to the core!
Yesterday morning after the kids got on the bus I had to run some errands. First stop was to pick something up from a foster family in Des Moines. They happen to live on the corner of one of the busiest streets in Des Moines. All was going great, I stood on the front lawn of the house chatting with the foster mom. Burrito was playing right there with me, he stayed right where he was supposed to the entire time! When it was time to leave I stooped down to his level and explained to him that it was dangerous and he needed to get in the van from the side that was close to the grass. I opened the door watched him climb in. After I saw him get into his carseat I said "Good Job!! Now mommy is coming around to buckle you, OK?" (We drive a 15 passenger van so it is impossible to see around the van). I opened the door to buckle him and he was GONE!!! not only was he not in his car seat, he was NOT IN THE VAN!!!! My heart flip flopped in my chest I felt like I had been punched in the stomach. I flew around the back of the van frantically scanning the area, I did not see him. I ran down the sidewalk and there 3 houses down sitting under a tree talking to a puppy sat my Burrito.
The difficult thing is that reasoning does not work, explaining danger is useless as he has no idea what danger is. I scooped him up gave my apologies to the owner of the puppy and walked slowly to the van. Placed him in his carseat and buckled him up.
As I drove on to our next stop I thought a lot about what had happened. So many things could have gone terribly wrong in that moment. I am grateful for the angels that surround him every day.
I do not have an answer, I clearly have not done enough to create a safety plan that will actually keep him safe.
Please, if you are around us and you see Burrito out and away from us, please know he is NOT supposed to be there alone and has likely escaped our safety plan. Help us keep him safe.
Yesterday one of my greatest fears became a reality. Before I tell you the story let me tell you a little about wandering also known as BOLTING ELOPING RUNNING
Elopement, formally defined as leaving an area without supervisor or caregiver’s permission
is prevalent among people with developmental disabilities. Based on a US nation-wide survey conducted in 2011, roughly half of the children with autism attempt to elope
Children with autism are particularly susceptible to elopement as they are unaware of the dangers in the environment into which they wandered.
According to a research done in California in 2001, an increase in the mortality rate among children with autism is related to external accidental causes such as suffocation and drowning, which mainly result from elopement . (info taken from report found at http://www.praxis.uoftengineering.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/04/esc102-20121-rfp-b-autistic-elopement.pdf)
Yesterday morning after the kids got on the bus I had to run some errands. First stop was to pick something up from a foster family in Des Moines. They happen to live on the corner of one of the busiest streets in Des Moines. All was going great, I stood on the front lawn of the house chatting with the foster mom. Burrito was playing right there with me, he stayed right where he was supposed to the entire time! When it was time to leave I stooped down to his level and explained to him that it was dangerous and he needed to get in the van from the side that was close to the grass. I opened the door watched him climb in. After I saw him get into his carseat I said "Good Job!! Now mommy is coming around to buckle you, OK?" (We drive a 15 passenger van so it is impossible to see around the van). I opened the door to buckle him and he was GONE!!! not only was he not in his car seat, he was NOT IN THE VAN!!!! My heart flip flopped in my chest I felt like I had been punched in the stomach. I flew around the back of the van frantically scanning the area, I did not see him. I ran down the sidewalk and there 3 houses down sitting under a tree talking to a puppy sat my Burrito.
The difficult thing is that reasoning does not work, explaining danger is useless as he has no idea what danger is. I scooped him up gave my apologies to the owner of the puppy and walked slowly to the van. Placed him in his carseat and buckled him up.
As I drove on to our next stop I thought a lot about what had happened. So many things could have gone terribly wrong in that moment. I am grateful for the angels that surround him every day.
I do not have an answer, I clearly have not done enough to create a safety plan that will actually keep him safe.
Thursday, August 30, 2012
fostercare and adoption
There are many people who do not understand why we foster and adopt. I really dont expect them to. What do I expect?
I expect people to respect our choices, our ability to make decisions that are best for our family. I expect the same respect I give to them and their family choices. If you choose to have no children 1 child or more, it makes no difference to me. What makes a difference to me is whether or not you provide a loving nurturing environment in which the child(ren) can grow to be amazing adults who love and care for those around them.
I often wonder why people feel they have the right to judge us. Every time we get a new child in our home whether it be for foster or adoption. Why do others feel they have the right to determine when enough is enough?
As a family, we pray together, we seek Gods direction purpose and plan. We NEVER make a decision that is not directed by HIM when it comes to children entering our home.
For very child that we do bring into our home there are several we do not.
You may look at our life and think that we are overwhelmed overloaded or maybe even crazy. But this life works for us. We love having a large family. Ask any one of our children and they will all tell you they have just as much ability to offer an opinion as we do. If any one of our children has worries concerns or is unsure we absolutely do not go forward. After all they are already ours their needs must come first.
We do not ask others to pay our bills. we are not in debt. We do not pass the care of our brood off to friends neighbors or family. When and if we ask you to provide for our children that is when you earn the right to pass judgement on us. Instead I ask. Pray for us. Pray for our children.
God has called each of us to do certain things in life, God has given each of us special gifts that He expects us to use to bring honor to Him. I believe God has called me to be a foster/adoptive mother. I believe He has called me to serve families who are also on this journey. I am working every day to fulfill all He has asked of me. Instead of looking at me in a disapproving way, or scrutinizing my children and family. Remember that You are working just as hard to fulfill all that God has called you to do. That means we are really more alike than different.
I expect people to respect our choices, our ability to make decisions that are best for our family. I expect the same respect I give to them and their family choices. If you choose to have no children 1 child or more, it makes no difference to me. What makes a difference to me is whether or not you provide a loving nurturing environment in which the child(ren) can grow to be amazing adults who love and care for those around them.
I often wonder why people feel they have the right to judge us. Every time we get a new child in our home whether it be for foster or adoption. Why do others feel they have the right to determine when enough is enough?
As a family, we pray together, we seek Gods direction purpose and plan. We NEVER make a decision that is not directed by HIM when it comes to children entering our home.
For very child that we do bring into our home there are several we do not.
You may look at our life and think that we are overwhelmed overloaded or maybe even crazy. But this life works for us. We love having a large family. Ask any one of our children and they will all tell you they have just as much ability to offer an opinion as we do. If any one of our children has worries concerns or is unsure we absolutely do not go forward. After all they are already ours their needs must come first.
We do not ask others to pay our bills. we are not in debt. We do not pass the care of our brood off to friends neighbors or family. When and if we ask you to provide for our children that is when you earn the right to pass judgement on us. Instead I ask. Pray for us. Pray for our children.
God has called each of us to do certain things in life, God has given each of us special gifts that He expects us to use to bring honor to Him. I believe God has called me to be a foster/adoptive mother. I believe He has called me to serve families who are also on this journey. I am working every day to fulfill all He has asked of me. Instead of looking at me in a disapproving way, or scrutinizing my children and family. Remember that You are working just as hard to fulfill all that God has called you to do. That means we are really more alike than different.
Wednesday, August 29, 2012
Samuel turns 10
Happy birthday Sam!!
Today my sweet Sam turns 10!
It is hard to believe he is the same child that arrived in June of 2003.
He was a sick little guy and so very frail. Each year brings growth and progress!
Sambo....I love you so much and I am so proud of you!
Happy Birthday Buddy!!
August 25
Saturday August 25 was Burrito's 5th birthday!
We celebrated in the evening with ice cream cake and the Fernandez family.
Burrito had a great day! I know this photo is a bit blurry but I love his smile in this one.
Tuesday, August 28, 2012
We are not master gardeners by any stretch but we do enjoy our little gardens we have planted this year. We have 2 large boxes and 1 small box in the front yard, several planters scattered about and a salsa garden near the back gate.The children have been very good little farmers this year, pulling weeds, watering, pruning and harvesting. The boys especially love to explore for new little creatures and visitors we have found frogs, toads, lady bugs, caterpillars, butterflies, even a tiny garden snake. Sunday they found this little lady protecting our salsa garden.
the visit
After a long 2 hour 26 minute drive the children all tumbled out of the van stretching and squealing with excitement. Everyone fell into their usual roles and patterns of moving as we arrive at a destination. Isaiah took Spuds, Elijah took Baby J, Amaris grabbed a diaper bag. Sam and Zephan bounced about anxiously waiting for directions. With a deep breath we paused as a family to pray over our visit and ask God to direct and guide us, for God to place His Hand over each of us and to especially hold and comfort the little one we were visiting.
I ushered my family as a disorganized whole through the old cherry wood door of a very old farm house that has been converted over the years into a group home that houses nearly 44 children of all ages, the youngest being 5 the oldest I assume is around 17. As we made our way into the entryway of the home we quickly located a bathroom and one by one began to use the facilities. It seemed to take forever to get through everyone.
As was the case the night before, my mind was jumpy and I found it difficult to concentrate. Lucky for me all I had to do was hold the baby and tell the children where to go. As I stood there pushing children in and out of the bathroom and trying to make sense of it all I heard the creaking of an antique door as it gently swung open I knew without word that the face I was looking at was that of the kind woman I had spent the better part of the last 8 days sharing conversations with over the phone. Her features were as kind and gentle as her voice had been over the phone.She told us they were ready whenever we were and it was fine to take our time. As the last of the kiddos finished up in the bathroom I reviewed in my mind what I might say or do when we finally entered the room for our first meeting. A wave of nerves worked its way up and made my heart jitter. As I had a couple hours earlier, I imagined again what it would be like to be her. To have lost so much in my young life of 10 years, to be stuck in a home for kids where I do not fit, to desperately want a family but to know that my reality was that families are not safe places to be. To be a little girl who suddenly after all these months of waiting and wondering I learn a family wants to visit me. How would I feel? And my heart shook a little for her. So again, for what felt like the millionth time I prayed for her. Almost as soon as I whispered amen it was time.
We walked through the heavy antique door and moved our way into a large meeting room on the left. In the middle of the room was a large mahogany table surrounded by a dozen chairs and across the table sat a little girl with her adult friend. She sat closely enough to her friend to feel supported but not quite close enough for physical touch. Her brown hair fell gently down around her shoulders and framed her palish face softly. The chocolate color of her hair made the sea foam green of her eyes more vivid. Although her eyes were bright and clear, they were years older than her chronological age. When she spoke she had a quiet but confident voice. She introduced herself and told us things she loves and hates. She proudly announced she had been studying our photos and paragraphs and produced lovely little name tags she had made for each of us to wear. She mingled with the children, offered snacks, asked questions and answered ours. We went on a tour of the home. The reality of how she lives shook me to the core and looking around at each of my children I could see they felt the same. Her bedding was worn thin and appeared to be years old. I wondered how many children it had covered over the years. She had one average sized tub of personal belongings a small rock collection, some beads and remote controlled car that a peer had stolen the controller to. She proudly showed us her new school shoes and socks. As I studied her every move I noticed her little hands were shaking constantly. her little voice had a quiver.
I had to fight the urge to scoop her up and hold her close, to rock her and smooth her hair and whisper promises that everything will be OK. That we will keep her safe and love her forever and no matter what. I felt the deepest sorrow knowing I could not bring comfort to this child. We made our way back to the meeting room where lunch was served. The children played a game and then the time came for goodbye.
I got a high five and a smile. It settled down into my heart that this was all she could do. and for her that was HUGE.
As I looked in her eyes for the last time I knew with everything in me that she would someday become my daughter. I knew because in that short visit she made herself comfortable in the corners of my heart. And I knew I already loved her.
We all piled into the van. Unusual silence filled the air. One by one we asked each child what they thought of the visit. And One by one they all expressed the same feelings that were growing in my heart. We all knew with out many words. We prayed again.
Now we wait. To be chosen by a little girl who has lost everything, has nothing, is quite possibly the strongest most beautiful human being I have ever had the honor to meet.
pray for her. pray for the adults in her life. pray for us as we wait.
I ushered my family as a disorganized whole through the old cherry wood door of a very old farm house that has been converted over the years into a group home that houses nearly 44 children of all ages, the youngest being 5 the oldest I assume is around 17. As we made our way into the entryway of the home we quickly located a bathroom and one by one began to use the facilities. It seemed to take forever to get through everyone.
As was the case the night before, my mind was jumpy and I found it difficult to concentrate. Lucky for me all I had to do was hold the baby and tell the children where to go. As I stood there pushing children in and out of the bathroom and trying to make sense of it all I heard the creaking of an antique door as it gently swung open I knew without word that the face I was looking at was that of the kind woman I had spent the better part of the last 8 days sharing conversations with over the phone. Her features were as kind and gentle as her voice had been over the phone.She told us they were ready whenever we were and it was fine to take our time. As the last of the kiddos finished up in the bathroom I reviewed in my mind what I might say or do when we finally entered the room for our first meeting. A wave of nerves worked its way up and made my heart jitter. As I had a couple hours earlier, I imagined again what it would be like to be her. To have lost so much in my young life of 10 years, to be stuck in a home for kids where I do not fit, to desperately want a family but to know that my reality was that families are not safe places to be. To be a little girl who suddenly after all these months of waiting and wondering I learn a family wants to visit me. How would I feel? And my heart shook a little for her. So again, for what felt like the millionth time I prayed for her. Almost as soon as I whispered amen it was time.
We walked through the heavy antique door and moved our way into a large meeting room on the left. In the middle of the room was a large mahogany table surrounded by a dozen chairs and across the table sat a little girl with her adult friend. She sat closely enough to her friend to feel supported but not quite close enough for physical touch. Her brown hair fell gently down around her shoulders and framed her palish face softly. The chocolate color of her hair made the sea foam green of her eyes more vivid. Although her eyes were bright and clear, they were years older than her chronological age. When she spoke she had a quiet but confident voice. She introduced herself and told us things she loves and hates. She proudly announced she had been studying our photos and paragraphs and produced lovely little name tags she had made for each of us to wear. She mingled with the children, offered snacks, asked questions and answered ours. We went on a tour of the home. The reality of how she lives shook me to the core and looking around at each of my children I could see they felt the same. Her bedding was worn thin and appeared to be years old. I wondered how many children it had covered over the years. She had one average sized tub of personal belongings a small rock collection, some beads and remote controlled car that a peer had stolen the controller to. She proudly showed us her new school shoes and socks. As I studied her every move I noticed her little hands were shaking constantly. her little voice had a quiver.
I had to fight the urge to scoop her up and hold her close, to rock her and smooth her hair and whisper promises that everything will be OK. That we will keep her safe and love her forever and no matter what. I felt the deepest sorrow knowing I could not bring comfort to this child. We made our way back to the meeting room where lunch was served. The children played a game and then the time came for goodbye.
I got a high five and a smile. It settled down into my heart that this was all she could do. and for her that was HUGE.
As I looked in her eyes for the last time I knew with everything in me that she would someday become my daughter. I knew because in that short visit she made herself comfortable in the corners of my heart. And I knew I already loved her.
We all piled into the van. Unusual silence filled the air. One by one we asked each child what they thought of the visit. And One by one they all expressed the same feelings that were growing in my heart. We all knew with out many words. We prayed again.
Now we wait. To be chosen by a little girl who has lost everything, has nothing, is quite possibly the strongest most beautiful human being I have ever had the honor to meet.
pray for her. pray for the adults in her life. pray for us as we wait.
This sweet boy is a mystery. If anything is rare or unheard of you can bet it will happen to him. He has had so many struggles already and he is only 10 months old (on Sept 3). I took him in to visit our ENT for a second post op check up for the tubes he had in June. One tube has come out completely and the other one is not doing its job. Next week we will be going in for a new set of tubes, which in a normal child's life would not be a big deal but in the life of our little Spuds it has great potential of becoming a big deal quickly. He has asthma, floppy airway disease, and has a low tolerance to anesthesia. again in an average child with these issues they might have ONE but our little guy has so many things going on in his little body that we don't even understand yet. I am scared to have him sedated again. Last time was a very scary and difficult time. I understand we need to do this in order to discover if he has a hearing impairment that will require hearing aids or if he just struggles with fluid and infection. This is a very important thing to learn and I will go through with it. I am just so afraid of him being put to sleep again. So if you would, please take a few minutes each day to say a little prayer for my Spuds.
Monday, August 27, 2012
beautiful reminder
A dear friend posted this on her facebook yesterday, nudging me to remember to pray specificly for each of my children.
13. Purity—"Create in them a pure heart, O God, and let that purity of heart be shown in their actions." (Ps. 51:10
)
14. Kindness—"Lord, may my children always try to be kind to each other and to everyone else." (1 Thes. 5:15)
15. Generosity—"Grant that my children may be generous and willing to share, and so lay up treasure for themselves as a firm foundation for the coming age." (1 Tim. 6:18-19)
16. Peace-Loving—"Father, let my children make every effort to do what leads to peace." (Rom. 14:19)
17. Joy—"May my children be filled with the joy given by the Holy Spirit." (1 Thes. 1:6)
18. Perseverance—"Lord, teach my children perseverance in all they do, and help them especially to run with perseverance the race marked out for them." (Heb. 12:1)
19. Humility—"God, please cultivate in my children the ability to show true humility toward all." (Titus 3:2)
20. Compassion—"Lord, please clothe my children with the virtue of compassion." (Col. 3:12)
31 Biblical Virtues to Pray for Your Childrenby Bob Hostetler
1. Salvation—"Lord, let salvation spring up within my children, that they may obtain the salvation that is in Christ Jesus, with eternal glory." (Isa. 45:8; 2 Tim. 2:10)
; 2 Tim. 2:10)
2. Growth in Grace—"I pray that my children may grow in the grace and knowledge of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ." (2 Pet. 3:18)
)
3. Love—"Grant, Lord, that my children may learn to live a life of love, through the Spirit who dwells in them." (Gal. 5:25; Eph. 5:2)
; Eph. 5:2)
4. Honesty and Integrity—"May integrity and honesty be their virtue
and their protection." (Ps. 25:21)
and their protection." (Ps. 25:21
)
5. Self-Control—"Father, help my children not to be like many others around them, but let them be alert and self-controlled in all they do."
(1 Thess. 5:6)
(1 Thess. 5:6
)
6. Love for God's Word—"May my children grow to find Your Word more precious than much pure gold and sweeter than honey from the comb." (Ps. 19:10)
)
7. Justice—"God, help my children to love justice as You do and act justly in all they do." (Ps. 11:7; Mic. 6:8)
; Mic. 6:8)
8. Mercy—"May my children always be merciful, just as their Father is merciful." (Luke 6:36)
)
9. Respect (for self, others, and authority)—"Father, grant that my children may show proper respect to everyone, as Your Word commands." (1 Pet. 2:17)
)
10. Biblical Self-Esteem—"Help my children develop a strong self-esteem that is rooted in the realization that they are God's workmanship, created in Christ Jesus." (Eph. 2:10)
)
11. Faithfulness—"Let love and faithfulness never leave my children, but bind these twin virtues around their necks and write them on the tablet of their hearts." (Prov. 3:3)
)
12. Courage—"May my children always be strong and courageous in their character and in their actions." (Deut. 31:6)
) 13. Purity—"Create in them a pure heart, O God, and let that purity of heart be shown in their actions." (Ps. 51:10
) 14. Kindness—"Lord, may my children always try to be kind to each other and to everyone else." (1 Thes. 5:15)
15. Generosity—"Grant that my children may be generous and willing to share, and so lay up treasure for themselves as a firm foundation for the coming age." (1 Tim. 6:18-19
) 16. Peace-Loving—"Father, let my children make every effort to do what leads to peace." (Rom. 14:19)
17. Joy—"May my children be filled with the joy given by the Holy Spirit." (1 Thes. 1:6
) 18. Perseverance—"Lord, teach my children perseverance in all they do, and help them especially to run with perseverance the race marked out for them." (Heb. 12:1
) 19. Humility—"God, please cultivate in my children the ability to show true humility toward all." (Titus 3:2)
20. Compassion—"Lord, please clothe my children with the virtue of compassion." (Col. 3:12
)
21. Responsibility—"Grant that my children may learn responsibility, for each one should carry his own load." (Gal. 6:5)
)
22. Contentment—"Father, teach my children the secret of being content in any and every situation, through Him who gives them strength." (Phil. 4:12-13)
)
23. Faith—"I pray that faith will find root and grow in my children's hearts, that by faith they may gain what has been promised to them." (Luke 17:5-6; Heb. 11:1-40)
; Heb. 11:1-40)
24. A Servant's Heart—"God, please help my children develop servant's hearts, that they may serve wholeheartedly, as if they were serving the Lord, not men." (Eph. 6:7)
)
25. Hope—"May the God of hope grant that my children may overflow with hope and hopefulness by the power of the Holy Spirit." (Rom. 15:13)
)
26. Willingness and Ability to Work—"Teach my children, Lord, to value work and to work at it with all their heart, as working for the Lord and not for men." (Col. 3:23)
)
27. Passion for God—"Lord, please instill in my children a soul that 'followeth hard after thee,' one that clings passionately to You." (Ps. 63:8)
)
28. Self-Discipline—"Father, I pray that my children may acquire a disciplined and prudent life, doing what is right and just and fair." (Prov. 1:3)
)
29. Prayerfulness—"Grant, Lord, that my children's lives may be marked by prayerfulness, that they may learn to pray in the Spirit on all occasions with all kinds of prayers." (1 Thess. 5:17)
)
30. Gratitude—"Help my children to live lives that are always overflowing with thankfulness and always giving thanks to God the Father for everything, in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ." (Eph. 5:20; Col. 2:7)
)
31. A Heart for Missions—"Lord, please help my children to develop a desire to see Your glory declared among the nations, Your marvelous deeds among the peoples." (Ps. 96:3)
)
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