the visit

After a long 2 hour 26 minute drive the children all tumbled out of the van stretching and squealing with excitement. Everyone fell into their usual roles and patterns of moving as we arrive at a destination. Isaiah took Spuds, Elijah took Baby J, Amaris grabbed a diaper bag. Sam and Zephan bounced about anxiously waiting for directions. With a deep breath we paused as a family to pray over our visit and ask God to direct and guide us, for God to place His Hand over each of us and to especially hold and comfort the little one we were visiting.
I ushered my family as a disorganized whole through the old cherry wood door of a very old farm house that has been converted over the years into a group home that houses nearly 44 children of all ages, the youngest being 5 the oldest I assume is around 17. As we made our way into the entryway of the home we quickly located a bathroom and one by one began to use the facilities. It seemed to take forever to get through everyone.
As was the case the night before, my mind was jumpy and I found it difficult to concentrate. Lucky for me all I had to do was hold the baby and tell the children where to go. As I stood there pushing children in and out of the bathroom and trying to make sense of it all I heard the creaking of an antique door as it gently swung open I knew without word that the face I was looking at was that of the kind woman I had spent the better part of the last 8 days sharing conversations with over the phone. Her features were as kind and gentle as her voice had been over the phone.She told us they were ready whenever we were and it was fine to take our time. As the last of the kiddos finished up in the bathroom I reviewed in my mind what I might say or do when we finally entered the room for our first meeting. A wave of nerves worked its way up and made my heart jitter. As I had a couple hours earlier, I imagined again what it would be like to be her. To have lost so much in my young life of 10 years, to be stuck in a home for kids where I do not fit, to desperately want a family but to know that my reality was that families are not safe places to be. To be a little girl who suddenly after all these months of waiting and wondering I learn a family wants to visit me. How would I feel? And my heart shook a little for her. So again, for what felt like the millionth time I prayed for her.  Almost as soon as I whispered amen it was time.
We walked through the heavy antique door and moved our way into a large meeting room on the left. In the middle of the room was a large mahogany table surrounded by a dozen chairs and across the table sat a little girl with her adult friend. She sat closely enough to her friend to feel supported but not quite close enough for physical touch. Her brown hair fell gently down around her shoulders and framed her palish face softly. The chocolate color of her hair made the sea foam green of her eyes more vivid. Although her eyes were bright and clear, they were years older than her chronological age. When she spoke she had a quiet but confident voice. She introduced herself and told us things she loves and hates. She proudly announced she had been studying our photos and paragraphs and produced lovely little name tags she had made for each of us to wear. She mingled with the children, offered snacks, asked questions and answered ours. We went on a tour of the home. The reality of how she lives shook me to the core and looking around at each of my children I could see they felt the same. Her bedding was worn thin and appeared to be years old. I wondered how many children it had covered over the years. She had one average sized tub of personal belongings a small rock collection, some beads and remote controlled car that a peer had stolen the controller to. She proudly showed us her new school shoes and socks. As I studied her every move I noticed her little hands were shaking constantly. her little voice had a quiver.
I had to fight the urge to scoop her up and hold her close, to rock her and smooth her hair and whisper promises that everything will be OK. That we will keep her safe and love her forever and no matter what. I felt the deepest sorrow knowing I could not bring comfort to this child. We made our way back to the meeting room where lunch was served. The children played a game and then the time came for goodbye.
I got a high five and a smile. It settled down into my heart that this was all she could do. and for her that was HUGE.
As I looked in her eyes for the last time I knew with everything in me that she would someday become my daughter. I knew because in that short visit she made herself comfortable in the corners of my heart. And I knew I already loved her.
We all piled into the van. Unusual silence filled the air. One by one we asked each child what they thought of the visit. And One by one they all expressed the same feelings that were growing in my heart. We all knew with out many words. We prayed again.
Now we wait. To be chosen by a little girl who has lost everything, has nothing, is quite possibly the strongest most beautiful human being I have ever had the honor to meet.
pray for her. pray for the adults in her life. pray for us as we wait.