Light of Hope Ceremony

I received this email Monday because I am a CASA volunteer. Please consider coming out to honor the children.

It is time again to remember those children who we lost from child abuse and neglect in 2008. This year there were a startling 16 children who died in Iowa last year. Every April we take a moment to remember these children and to remind our community that there are children at risk today. Our Light of Hope Ceremony this year will be held on April 16, 2009 at 5:00 pm at Blank Children’s Hospital.

Light of Hope started in 2000 as a national movement designed to provide hope for abused and neglected children and to recognize extraordinary efforts of individuals whole lights shine on these children. During the month of April, hundreds of communities across the U.S. will come together at Light of Hope events to honor the promise of remembering the plight of America’s abused, abandoned and neglected children. National CASA has encouraged us to hold this event and VeeAnn Cartwright is on the planning committee. Judge Eisenhauer, long-time supporter of CASA, will recognize all CASAs in attendance.

Please take a moment to help us remember these children and honor those who work hard to help our most vulnerable.

Light of Hope is sponsored by:

Blank Children’s Hospital

Child Abuse Prevention Council

Court Appointed Special Advocates (CASA)

precious

I have a heavy heart today. For once. It has nothing what so ever to do with Madison or motherhood. hhmm...
A very close friend of the family has been in Hospice for a while now. I wont say what he was dying from because I am confident I will get it wrong.
I dragged my feet about visiting. I did not want to go. With as many children as I have it is not difficult to have good reasons not to go. BUT Friday I finally took a deep breath and made the trip.
Stepping into Mort's room instantly took me back 15 years 9 months and 17 days to the day my Daddy died. (I was a daddy's girl and always called him by that name.) The sights...sounds...smells...of that room transported me back in time to my daddy's bedside.
I quickly walked through to the sitting area away from the bed and focused on visiting with the family. Then I saw a most precious site. I could not force my eyes to focus on anything else.
Susan, one of his daughters came quietly into the room. Approached the side of his bed. Leaned over gently kissing his forehead. Whispering love over his ear. She took a warm wet cloth and and slowly stroked his face. All the while quietly whispering love over his ear. None of us could hear her words....at least not with our ears. But I could hear them echoing through the hallway of my heart. They were the same words of love I whispered over my Daddy's ear nearly 16 years ago. I watched as she so lovingly attended to her father. Tears gently rolling across her cheeks spilling onto the bed sheet. I haven't been able to get the sight out of my heart. The love that flowed from her heart through her hands and mouth into his heart moved me.
It was in those tender moments that I realized something. The gifts she was pouring over her father yesterday are the very gifts I poured over mine. There has never been anything quite like that feeling duplicated in my life since. Unless you have lived moments like this you would never know. It is difficult to see the tender moments while you are living in the midst of the immense grief. Even years later it is difficult to see those special moments.
But yesterday, even in the midst of their grief I was the one who was given a gift. A sweet and precious gift. I was able to see myself in someone else. In a way that I have never seen myself before. I recognized every touch, every whisper, every tear, and every ounce of love that poured out of her as my own. And for the first time since June 10, 1993 I remember the tender moments of the last days of my Daddy's life.
It is so crazy. I remember begging God to stop his suffering daily. But then when the end arrived. I climbed onto his bed, cradled him in my arms and BEGGED God to change his mind. I screamed, I cried. I was not ready to let go. We needed more time. I could not see how I could possibly complete the journey of my life without my Daddy. The depths of grief that gripped my heart in those desperate minutes before I realized it was over and there was nothing I could do but let him go, was so deep and so fierce. I have never felt so completely alone and lost as I did while holding him.
I am grateful that I found the courage yesterday to visit Mort and his family. I found a precious treasure in the midst of their loss.
Mort passed away this evening. I pray it does not take his family nearly 16 years to find the treasures of his life and death. Those tender moments, the whispers of love. I pray they remember those moments even tonight.

my thoughts of today....

God gives each one of us talents. free will. the ability to think. the power through Him to intercede on behalf of others. What we do with all those things is ultimately up to us. I have been thinking and praying lately and it struck me today....especially lately I have been a little consumed with the troubles that swirl around me and have felt many days as though I were at the very end of my proverbial rope. Just swinging there holding the frayed ends of the last strand....waiting for it to give way and begin my free fall. So today as I prayed through my morning a thought was born and has grown throughout my day....
Without God, I cannot. Without me, He will not.
I think this is true in a couple ways. one, God has given me gifts and talents to help myself, He expects me to use those every day. If I use the wisdom and gifts He gave me then He can enter in and help me through anything.

Romans 12: 6-8

⁶We have different gifts, according to the grace given us. If a man's gift is prophesying, let him use it in proportion to his^b]">[b]faith. ⁷If it is serving, let him serve; if it is teaching, let him teach; ⁸if it is encouraging, let him encourage; if it is contributing to the needs of others, let him give generously; if it is leadership, let him govern diligently; if it is showing mercy, let him do it cheerfully.

BUT God also gave those very same gifts to others as well. And He expects us to take care of each other. To pray for eachj other, to intercede on the behalf of those around us. If we fail to do so then we are limiting God. I am not saying we prevent Him from working things out. God is God and He will intervene how and when He sees fit. But I looked some verses up and this is what I found.

Isaiah 59:16 (New International Version)

¹⁶ He saw that there was no one,
he was appalled that there was no one to intervene;
so his own arm worked salvation for him,
and his own righteousness sustained him.

Ezekiel 22:30 (New International Version)

³⁰ "I looked for a man among them who would build up the wall and stand before me in the gap on behalf of the land so I would not have to destroy it, but I found none.

1 Timothy 2

¹I urge, then, first of all, that requests, prayers, intercession and thanksgiving be made for everyone—

The way I see it is that God sees when we fail to use our gifts to touch others. Our failure hurts Him deeply. Instead of turning His back and just letting whatever will be...be. He rolls up His sleeves and intervenes. But that is not His plan. His plan is for us to be the intercessors for each other that He gifted us to be. Aren't we to be His Hand extended.

I am going to pay closer attention to how I use my gifts. I am going to try to be a better steward of them as well. I desire to be Gods Hand extended in all places of my life.

look at me when I am talking to you

It is funny....this is one of my pet peeves! I can not stand trying to have a serious conversation while the other converser (is that a word??) is looking every where but at me. I always feel ignored or half listened to. Is it wrong to expect eye contact while carrying on a conversation? I always make my monsters look in my eyes when they are speaking to me....why is it so hard for adults?
I am not talking about random casual conversation taking place in random places such as the church foyer or the super market. I am talking about the dinner table, serious, sit down, we need to talk, kind of talking. Too many things draw your attention away in public and casual situations. OR if you are like me...you have too many children to keep an eye on to be able to give 100% undivided attention to a casual church foyer conversation.
But, I promise you this, if there is a serious issue to be discussed you will know I am listening because I will be looking at your eyes when you are talking....even if I don't want to look at you....because believe me, I know there are times we all would rather not even be having discussions let alone looking into the eyes of the person we are upset with.....
Is it too much to ask for eye contact? Is it old fashioned to consider eye contact to be a form of mutual respect?
I don't know....but I always seem to think over and over in my mind during those kinds of conversations....would you look at me when I am talking to you??

Baby steps and a ray of hope.

Our struggles have been great lately with Madison. Honestly we have been talking about group home placements. My desire for her is to grown into a healthy and happy young lady. You know, when I look in that freckled face of hers I see so much potential and wonder why it seems so difficult to find a way for that potential to become reality. It all boils down to one thing really....she has a choice. If she is not interested then all I can do is pray and leave her resting in the Hands of the God who created her...and pray somehow God will allow me to see the successes no matter how small and not feel so much like a complete failure as her parent.
Last night we had an amazing church service. Synergy is the combining of all generations once a month in our Sunday evening service, each month a different generation leads service. This month the youth had their turn. What an amazing time of worship and hearing from God.
Our new youth pastor Keith Robinson has been with us only 7 days. He shared his life story. I am telling you...if anyone left that sanctuary the same as they were when they entered...well I wont judge. I just find it impossible to NOT be moved on some level by his powerful story! Even Elijah talked about it last night. Who would of thought in the midst of his drawing while lying UNDER the chair he was soaking in the message. Not only was he listening but he GOT it! that is incredible! You should take a moment and check out Pastor Keith's web site~ www.emergexperience.com
His wife Samantha along with the youth worship team did a wonderful job leading worship.
Madison responded to the message last night....I am bag full of mixed emotions....I am so very hopeful that THIS is the first step we have been praying for. I am praying and seeking God to direct me and how I interact with her.
On the flip side of those hopeful prayers are the reality...NOT DOUBT...reality...that we have traveled this road before...many times...I must admit I am a bit apprehensive. Please do not misunderstand. I am not doubting God and His ability to save. to Heal. to win over a situation.
I think I am so weary from the months of heaviness from trudging through each hour. Waiting for the next burst of bad news of what in the world the latest thing she had done was....the weight of gingerly walking around the house waiting for the next explosion and wondering which one of the children I would have to protect this time...and how long would Isaiah have to keep the children downstairs this time while trying not to hear Madison rage for hours above their heads.
Bipolar is an unfriendly condition by which the entire family seems to be consumed.
So you see....I am taking baby steps...following Gods lead...hoping Madison will too. I am not expecting an instant transformation and poof all our troubles will fade away...I am not expecting the road to suddenly become easy to travel. But I am clinging to the ray of hope that burst out of our stormy skies last night. And I am praying this is the first baby step of many that will end with Madison being whole again...freckles and all!

crazy busy and a fantastic surprise!

This week was spring break. Pastor Kevin and Trudy organized a day camp for the week. We had tons of fun all week. I taught the craft every day. There was a science class, a dram theater, games and music. Then after lunch each day the kids all went on a field trip. I did not go on any of the outings but my monsters had tons of fun!
I spent my afternoons getting organized for our 3rd FPNO. Which was last night and a HUGE success. We are growing each month and I am so excited!
I had to take mom to the ER on Thursday, she has been in the hospital since. Not really sure what is going on. She has been having some health issues lately and hopefully they will get to the bottom of things so she can start feeling better.
On Thursday when I got home there was a package on my doorstep...at the exact time my brother called...the mystery package was from him...I opened as we chatted about me taking mom into the ER. GUESS WHAT WAS IN MY PACKAGE!??
A new camera!! YUP!! not only that BUT...it is PURPLE!!! I can not wait to sit down and read all about it so I can get back to taking pictures of my monsters and all the other odd and wonderful things that scream to be recorded!
THANKS PHLIP!!!!!!! You ROCK!

oh and by the way I HATE that my stupid camera is still broken and I can not take any photos. I have missed so many good photo-ops! Now among other necessities I am in the market for a new camera....MAN I hate that!

ramblings and other random things

Things have been tough lately. I don't mean financially tough I mean Tough. It has felt as though Madison has kept us in deep water with out life preservers. Slowly....SLOWLY...we are finding our way. I still have no idea what tomorrow will look like in terms of life with Madison. Some days I see glimpses of hope that shine through and I think....a corner is about to be turned...then WHAM! so, today I will enjoy the lallygag down the lane of wonder and wait and see where we end up. I am sure tomorrow will look quite different than today anyhow!
Life has been busy around my world. We have had outings trainings conferences meetings and such.
Dominique officially made it through mid terms week. I am so very proud of him! YAY DOM! We made and mailed him his favorite cookies and some pix made by the monsters. He liked his package a lot. Funny thing: he calls me up the day he gets the box in the mail.
D: Mom I got my package THANKS! but um, did you read the letters the kids wrote to me?
M: No, why?
D: Amaris wrote 'dear Dom, I love you and miss you. Love Amaris...PS WHERE ARE YOU?
we both got a good laugh out of that one!
My little brother is getting married in May...in Philly! so we are trying to figure out how many of us will be able to attend the wedding.
Last weekend I along with Trudy and Amy went on the Daisy Prim overnight at the camp in Boone. It was a lot of fun. I love love love camp! If I had the ability to do anything I wanted I would buy a camp ground In the woods, with a lake. I would run the lodge cooking for all the guests. My brother Philip would be maintenance and grounds. I would live there all year and host different camps for all kinds of kids. I have thought it through many times and dream of it at times. We decided at the overnight that Trudy would have to be in on it too so she can have her book store. (her dream) and of course I love books so that is a perfect plan!
This week is spring break....day camp at church I am doing crafts all week and then in the afternoons the kids all go on a field trip. Today was great!
The Burrito just finished 10 days of antibiotic Sunday morning and is SICK AGAIN!! We got a new antibiotic today and hopefully he will be on the mend soon. He is super grumpy!
This Friday night is our 3rd Foster Parents Night Out. I already have 23 foster children signed up. WOO HOO! This time I decided to do a homemade carnival. I am excited!
Baseball practice has started for Lij. He loves baseball! The weather today could not have been more beautiful for a practice and they took full advantage of it! Soon we will have opening ceremonies and then the games will begin. His games are on Tuesdays and Thursdays this year. I am looking forward to making some new baseball memories!
I think that is about all for now from my world. Thank you all for your continued prayers. I do appreciate them very much!

A strong woman versus a woman of strength.

I came across this poem today while searching for something else...I liked it and wish I knew who wrote it so credit could be given where it is due.

A strong woman works out every day
to keep her body in shape
but a woman of strength looks deep inside
to keep her soul in shape

A strong woman isn't afraid
of anything
but a woman of strength shows courage
in the midst of her fear

A strong woman won't let anyone
get the best of her
but a woman of strength gives the best
of her to everyone

A strong woman makes mistakes
and avoids the same in the future
but a woman of strength realizes life's mistakes
can also be blessings and capitalizes on them

A strong woman walks
sure footedly
but a woman of strength knows
when to ask for help

A strong woman wears the look
of confidence on her face
but a woman of strength
wears grace

A strong woman has faith
that she is strong enough for the journey
but a woman of strength has faith
that it is in the journey that she will become strong

Living on the edge of sanity. Feeling like reality has taken on new meaning. That seems to sum up my existence as of late.
I have been wondering lately what God sees in me that I can't see in myself to think I can pull off this thing called parenting a teenage girl with bipolar. I am not going to lie....there are many moments lately I feel like I am on the brink of losing my mind. My thoughts are foggy and my emotions are high...MINE....I am never an emotional type person. Foreign to me this whole tearing up on a dime thing.
I was trying to think of some uplifting twist to put on this post but really, today in the midst of the storm I can't think of any good thing to say.
All day I kept watching for singular moments of sunshine and happiness and made a mental note to record it in the recess of my mind so I could retrieve it later and smile. I must have recorded them so deeply in the recesses that I can no longer find them.
I am not depressed so don't call for help....discouraged? YES....frustrated? YES....at a complete loss? YES....
I am relying on God, praying through, waiting in expectation, and hoping others are praying too. At the end of the day She still has her free will to chose her way. Sad really. Breaks my heart to know which way she is choosing and there seems to be little or nothing I can do to persuade her otherwise.
I am not really sure why I decided to write tonight. Maybe it is because I know I will be getting a phone call from my big brother asking why I haven't updated....(smile phlip that was for you...) or maybe I was hoping that recording my thoughts would somehow miraculously make me feel less pain in the heart region....I don't know.
I do know that when my friend Jen finds the magic pixie dust, I am definitely buying some and totally sprinkling it all over Madison's head!! Until then I will sprinkle her no I will drown her in prayer and believe someday we will see light at the end of this tunnel.

semi transparent

God has a sense of humor...only problem is I wasn't laughing.
Tonight in church I was placed in a position where I had to be transparent. For those of you who know me....you know I hate to cry....most especially in the presence of other people. Not only did I cry once but 3 different times tonight in public. Not the kind of crying that could easily be hidden or excused away, but the kind that anyone who looked at me knew I had been crying...UGH! I decided something....I don't like being transparent...I don't like being vulnerable....I don't like just anyone getting that close a look into my heart....I very carefully choose those who I allow close enough to see all the messiness that is in me...I have come to the conclusion that it is ok to not allow all the world to see who you really are when the surface is cracked open and the real you oozes out. Not everyone should see that.

transparent

Definition:		[adj] transmitting light; able to be seen through with clarity; "the cold crystalline water of melted snow"; "crystal clear skies"; "could see the sand on the bottom of the limpid pool"; "lucid air"; "a pellucid brook"; "transparent cristal" [adj] easily understood or seen through (because of a lack of subtlety); "a transparent explanation"; "a transparent lie" [adj] free of deceit [adj] so thin as to transmit light; "a hat with a diaphanous veil"; "filmy wings of a moth"; "gauzy clouds of dandelion down"; "gossamer cobwebs"; "sheer silk stockings"; "transparent chiffon"; "vaporous silks"
I have been thinking a lot lately about this word....transparent. Its funny we as parents expect our children to be honest and tell the truth all of the time...yet we as parents have a difficult time being honest about our parental journies. For many reasons. Fear of being judged and looked down upon I suppose would be at the top of the list. Protection. For me that is huge...I want to protect my children from others looking on them with judgements they will never out live. So what happens is, at least for me, I walk or sometimes crawl along this parental journey alone. I have decided it is time. I am standing and becoming TRANSPARENT about my failures as a parent in particular with Madison. I have always made a point of not writing about her because I love her as if she were my own and sometimes life with her can be so difficult the love would not be seen or heard in the words of pain and frustration and heartbreak I would write. As I have been thinking lately about this whole Madison story. I have thought about other parents....if all parents truly had perfect children as many of them portray then why am I not seeing them? where are they and why would the perfect parents not feel compelled to reach out and help those of us who fall short.... As a parent I have always, for all of my children, tried to be their advocate, their protector, their cheerleader...If a problem arises I seek counsel from a pastor, seek help outside of that when necessary, seek prayer from others, read read read so that I may be educated enough to make intelligent, informed decisions on their behalf. With Isaiah, many times since his condition is so rare I often know more than the doctors or at least as much as they do. We are a team. We work together to achieve what is best for him. With Madison I realize the situation is COMPLETELY different but at the foundation is the same...neither one of them can change their situation no matter what. Isaiah was born with a rare birth deffect that has and will continue to alter the course of his life.....Madison has been diagnosed bipolar. Here is what I see as the difference....God has provided doctors the knowlege to find ways to help Madison, they have created medications that can improve her life considerably....ultimately she has the choice to cooperate or not....right now she is choosing to NOT. Which makes all of our lives extremely difficult. This is a fact I believe to the very core of my being...God has the ability to completely heal BOTH of them......and though the journeys are different for each of them they have their own victories and losses. I will continue the journey for all of my children....what I have decided is this.... I have to become transparent for a number of reasons....it is exhausting to hide and pretend that our world inside this house is always wonderful....I need people to understand that I "FEEL" I have failed as Madison's mother (I know how ridiculous this is in my head but my heart is shattered at my failure to help her).....I believe that with my decision to become transparent people will do one of 2 things.....I know this to be true because it is what we lived with Isaiah...there are people in our lives who will slowly or abruptly drop out of our lives because they can't deal with difficult situations....I am not casting judgement upon people just voicing observations I have lived through. When Isaiah was diagnosed and had his first round of surgeries we lost some friends we thought were our closest friends because they could not handle the depth of what we face everyday....some people are created to thrive and survive adversity and some simply are not.....the other thing that will happen is that those who do not exit our lives will ralley around and pray....support and love us even when things get ugly....My hope is that no matter which person you are....that you will never change how you treat or even look at my children....there are some ugly things I may share at times.....I would never share to bring humiliation or shame to them, but to allow people to see through the layers of my life and see what really lives inside. In waiting for God to move in these situations sometimes I lose myself. I am sure God will reveal His plan if and when He sees fit. I was reading in Exodus today and was reminded of the Israelites. I want to follow their example and be steadfast and patient until GOD MOVES in my circumstances. I must remember His timing is perfect and also is not mine. He is working in other ways that I can not see right now. I must keep my eyes focused and wait for Him to move in this mess that resembles more of a mountain to me. I must remain faithful, continue to worship with my whole heart and wait in expectation. Remembering God is always faithful! Psalm 5:3 'In the morning O Lord, you hear my voice, in the morning, I lay my requests before You and wait in expectation.' I am going to end this by focusing on love.... 1 Corinthians 13:7 'Love bears up under anything and everything that comes, is ever ready to believe the best of every person, its hopes are fadeless under all circumstances, and it endures every thing without weakening.' The truth is God is crazy about us. He always believes the best in us. No matter what our struggles are. Even when we don't believe in ourselves. No one could ever love us more than God loves us! Psalm 36:5 'Your love, o Lord, reaches to the heavens. Your faithfulness reaches to the skies.' On this parental journey....I will remember these truths. And pray someday our struggles will be a blessing to someone else.