transparent

Definition:		[adj] transmitting light; able to be seen through with clarity; "the cold crystalline water of melted snow"; "crystal clear skies"; "could see the sand on the bottom of the limpid pool"; "lucid air"; "a pellucid brook"; "transparent cristal" [adj] easily understood or seen through (because of a lack of subtlety); "a transparent explanation"; "a transparent lie" [adj] free of deceit [adj] so thin as to transmit light; "a hat with a diaphanous veil"; "filmy wings of a moth"; "gauzy clouds of dandelion down"; "gossamer cobwebs"; "sheer silk stockings"; "transparent chiffon"; "vaporous silks"
I have been thinking a lot lately about this word....transparent. Its funny we as parents expect our children to be honest and tell the truth all of the time...yet we as parents have a difficult time being honest about our parental journies. For many reasons. Fear of being judged and looked down upon I suppose would be at the top of the list. Protection. For me that is huge...I want to protect my children from others looking on them with judgements they will never out live. So what happens is, at least for me, I walk or sometimes crawl along this parental journey alone. I have decided it is time. I am standing and becoming TRANSPARENT about my failures as a parent in particular with Madison. I have always made a point of not writing about her because I love her as if she were my own and sometimes life with her can be so difficult the love would not be seen or heard in the words of pain and frustration and heartbreak I would write. As I have been thinking lately about this whole Madison story. I have thought about other parents....if all parents truly had perfect children as many of them portray then why am I not seeing them? where are they and why would the perfect parents not feel compelled to reach out and help those of us who fall short.... As a parent I have always, for all of my children, tried to be their advocate, their protector, their cheerleader...If a problem arises I seek counsel from a pastor, seek help outside of that when necessary, seek prayer from others, read read read so that I may be educated enough to make intelligent, informed decisions on their behalf. With Isaiah, many times since his condition is so rare I often know more than the doctors or at least as much as they do. We are a team. We work together to achieve what is best for him. With Madison I realize the situation is COMPLETELY different but at the foundation is the same...neither one of them can change their situation no matter what. Isaiah was born with a rare birth deffect that has and will continue to alter the course of his life.....Madison has been diagnosed bipolar. Here is what I see as the difference....God has provided doctors the knowlege to find ways to help Madison, they have created medications that can improve her life considerably....ultimately she has the choice to cooperate or not....right now she is choosing to NOT. Which makes all of our lives extremely difficult. This is a fact I believe to the very core of my being...God has the ability to completely heal BOTH of them......and though the journeys are different for each of them they have their own victories and losses. I will continue the journey for all of my children....what I have decided is this.... I have to become transparent for a number of reasons....it is exhausting to hide and pretend that our world inside this house is always wonderful....I need people to understand that I "FEEL" I have failed as Madison's mother (I know how ridiculous this is in my head but my heart is shattered at my failure to help her).....I believe that with my decision to become transparent people will do one of 2 things.....I know this to be true because it is what we lived with Isaiah...there are people in our lives who will slowly or abruptly drop out of our lives because they can't deal with difficult situations....I am not casting judgement upon people just voicing observations I have lived through. When Isaiah was diagnosed and had his first round of surgeries we lost some friends we thought were our closest friends because they could not handle the depth of what we face everyday....some people are created to thrive and survive adversity and some simply are not.....the other thing that will happen is that those who do not exit our lives will ralley around and pray....support and love us even when things get ugly....My hope is that no matter which person you are....that you will never change how you treat or even look at my children....there are some ugly things I may share at times.....I would never share to bring humiliation or shame to them, but to allow people to see through the layers of my life and see what really lives inside. In waiting for God to move in these situations sometimes I lose myself. I am sure God will reveal His plan if and when He sees fit. I was reading in Exodus today and was reminded of the Israelites. I want to follow their example and be steadfast and patient until GOD MOVES in my circumstances. I must remember His timing is perfect and also is not mine. He is working in other ways that I can not see right now. I must keep my eyes focused and wait for Him to move in this mess that resembles more of a mountain to me. I must remain faithful, continue to worship with my whole heart and wait in expectation. Remembering God is always faithful! Psalm 5:3 'In the morning O Lord, you hear my voice, in the morning, I lay my requests before You and wait in expectation.' I am going to end this by focusing on love.... 1 Corinthians 13:7 'Love bears up under anything and everything that comes, is ever ready to believe the best of every person, its hopes are fadeless under all circumstances, and it endures every thing without weakening.' The truth is God is crazy about us. He always believes the best in us. No matter what our struggles are. Even when we don't believe in ourselves. No one could ever love us more than God loves us! Psalm 36:5 'Your love, o Lord, reaches to the heavens. Your faithfulness reaches to the skies.' On this parental journey....I will remember these truths. And pray someday our struggles will be a blessing to someone else.