Living on the edge of sanity. Feeling like reality has taken on new meaning. That seems to sum up my existence as of late.
I have been wondering lately what God sees in me that I can't see in myself to think I can pull off this thing called parenting a teenage girl with bipolar. I am not going to lie....there are many moments lately I feel like I am on the brink of losing my mind. My thoughts are foggy and my emotions are high...MINE....I am never an emotional type person. Foreign to me this whole tearing up on a dime thing.
I was trying to think of some uplifting twist to put on this post but really, today in the midst of the storm I can't think of any good thing to say.
All day I kept watching for singular moments of sunshine and happiness and made a mental note to record it in the recess of my mind so I could retrieve it later and smile. I must have recorded them so deeply in the recesses that I can no longer find them.
I am not depressed so don't call for help....discouraged? YES....frustrated? YES....at a complete loss? YES....
I am relying on God, praying through, waiting in expectation, and hoping others are praying too. At the end of the day She still has her free will to chose her way. Sad really. Breaks my heart to know which way she is choosing and there seems to be little or nothing I can do to persuade her otherwise.
I am not really sure why I decided to write tonight. Maybe it is because I know I will be getting a phone call from my big brother asking why I haven't updated....(smile phlip that was for you...) or maybe I was hoping that recording my thoughts would somehow miraculously make me feel less pain in the heart region....I don't know.
I do know that when my friend Jen finds the magic pixie dust, I am definitely buying some and totally sprinkling it all over Madison's head!! Until then I will sprinkle her no I will drown her in prayer and believe someday we will see light at the end of this tunnel.