God knew exactly what needed today. I know, He knows exactly what I need EVERY day. But today was one of those days He allowed me to see His hand. I am grateful for that.
I have been dealing with some serious things lately. Grief of various states, loss, stress of parenting children from hard places. questioning my own parenting abilities. work stress. I am working with a couple families whose stories are keeping me awake at night.
As I prepared for my day all these things and many more were weighing on my heart and I felt the strain in my shoulders as I moved through the early morning.
I was a little grumpy at myself for setting such a long day for work. I was to travel over an hour for my first appointment then another 40 minutes for the second...this girl was a little grumpy. I made good time and arrived 4 miles away from the first visit 20 minutes early so I found a small quaint country church not far from the house I was to visit and I pulled into the gravel parking area and sat in the van listening to worship music thinking and praying. watching the sky dance around stormy looking clouds as if they were taunting each other about who was going to rule the day. blue sky or stormy skies.
Slowly as I sat there in the van allowing my mind to wander here and there. I realized peace was beginning to trickle in. The drive between appointments was absolutely gorgeous, winding old country roads. farm land rich soil. I felt peace approaching and am so grateful now that God sent me that way today. It was exactly what I needed.
Thursday, June 27, 2013
According to the urban dictionary the definition of Best Friend is:
Best Friends are very special people in your life. They are the first people you think about when you make plans. They are the first people you go to when you need someone to talk to. You will phone them up just to talk about nothing, or the most important things in your life. When you’re sad they will try their hardest to cheer you up. They give the best hugs in the world! They are the shoulder to cry on, because you know that they truly care about you.
Today is My Best Friend Joslyn's birthday.
It is impossible to put into words what she means to me and the joy she has brought into my life. I can still vividly see the day we became friends play out in my mind. I can hear the sounds, smell the smells and feel all the feeling of that day. Funny the things we remember that are important to us or the things that have a lasting impact on out lives.
I was a miserable young teenaged kid who was walking around with a whole lot of hurt inside and no idea what to do with it. Joslyn and I became friends quickly. My life has been enhanced by her presence in it. We have been through a life time of joys and sorrows together. We have laughed hysterically and cried uncontrollably we have encouraged and reprimanded one another.
teen years. moving. losing our fathers within months of each other. college. moving. marriages children (me) Godmother to mine. sickness. cancer. we have loved no matter what encouraged always and supported each other through what ever life throws at us.
I could write a novel of all the reasons I am blessed to have Joslyn in my life. I could but I wont. I will just say. I am blessed beyond measure to be able to call her my sister/friend and I can not imagine what my life would be like with out her.
So happy birthday Gizmo. I love ya BUNCHES
Best Friends are very special people in your life. They are the first people you think about when you make plans. They are the first people you go to when you need someone to talk to. You will phone them up just to talk about nothing, or the most important things in your life. When you’re sad they will try their hardest to cheer you up. They give the best hugs in the world! They are the shoulder to cry on, because you know that they truly care about you.
Today is My Best Friend Joslyn's birthday.
It is impossible to put into words what she means to me and the joy she has brought into my life. I can still vividly see the day we became friends play out in my mind. I can hear the sounds, smell the smells and feel all the feeling of that day. Funny the things we remember that are important to us or the things that have a lasting impact on out lives.
I was a miserable young teenaged kid who was walking around with a whole lot of hurt inside and no idea what to do with it. Joslyn and I became friends quickly. My life has been enhanced by her presence in it. We have been through a life time of joys and sorrows together. We have laughed hysterically and cried uncontrollably we have encouraged and reprimanded one another.
teen years. moving. losing our fathers within months of each other. college. moving. marriages children (me) Godmother to mine. sickness. cancer. we have loved no matter what encouraged always and supported each other through what ever life throws at us.
I could write a novel of all the reasons I am blessed to have Joslyn in my life. I could but I wont. I will just say. I am blessed beyond measure to be able to call her my sister/friend and I can not imagine what my life would be like with out her.
So happy birthday Gizmo. I love ya BUNCHES
Sunday, June 23, 2013
something to ponder....
Word on the street is that one of our bio-mothers is expecting again. ugh. seriously? this pushes us to the brink of self reflection and family meetings. What to do...What to DO??
If this proves to be truth and not some rumor or attention seeking ploy we will most definitely have some talking to do. It seems odd to me that as soon as we make statements such as : we would do what ever it takes to keep siblings together.....we are promptly put to the test to see exactly how far we would go. For instance....Saturday has older siblings who are currently in need of a forever family. Would we take them in? Sassy Pants has 2 siblings already adopted into families. But what if...exactly how far are we willing to go? The answer in my heart is simplisticly complex. What I mean by that is it makes perfect simple sense to me but to the world outside of me may never understand.
I get questions and comments al the time: don't you think you have ENOUGH children? EXACTLY HOW MANY DO YOU THINK YOU WILL TAKE?? and my favorite statement (not really) you know Angela You can't save them ALL.
Each of us were placed here on earth for a purpose. During this season of my life my purpose is THIS. to be a mother to the children who waltz through my door. Some may come and go quickly, some may come ,stay for a time and leave to various places, some may come and stay forever. I rarely know when or for how long but I always know there will be more. You see it is this simple...God called me to this journey. He created me to dance this dance of healing hearts and lives. He asked me to sacrifice in order to be used by Him to help save these lives. It is what I am created to do. Would you ask a painter why he paints so many tapestries? Would you ask a plumber why she fixes toilets? Each of us is called to do different things in life. some are called to build, fix, or mend things. Some are called to be doctors and lawyers. Some are called to teach. I am called to love. unconditionally. So I humbly try, to answer His calling. I try to be obedient to His voice. Do I always answer? no. I have an argumentative spirit at times. And yes I argue, bargain and whine....Am I always cheerful? no. sadly I am not. because quite frankly, I am not always a cheerful participant of HIS plan. I know....I KNOW!!! Shame on me. I am a work in progress and have lots of progress left to make!
So, I suppose if and when that call comes, I am sure we will pray as we always do. I am sure we will seek His direction and guidance. And even if it is difficult, even if it is hard to be cheerful, even if it scares the living daylights out of us. I know we will be obedient to His calling and His guidance and HIS voice. One thing I have learned along the way is that arguing and not following His voice and not living in His will is a painful place to be with consequences I am not prepared to deal with.
please remember though. When you see a family like mine. When you see a momma who has a rainbow of children. And at times you see her face has the wear of time and fragmented patience....remember it is not always easy following God's plan. So don't judge. Offer help. A smile. Some encouragement goes a long way.
Speaking for my own heart...I know I am living out the love God planned for me in this season of my life. I know what it is like to miss His first plan and live out His back up plan and I choose not to go back to that kind of living. Just because I am not always sunshine and smiles does not mean I have regret or wish I made easier choices. It means sometimes right choices are not easy choices. Sometimes following God's plan is a hard difficult journey that takes years to see and hold the sunshine and smiles. Sometimes we all need unconditional love along our journey. If you happen to see me with another new child. Stop, give me a hug or ask me how its going. Remind me that you love me and so does God and THAT is why He has called me to live this out every day. He asked me because He loves me.
In the mean time I am going to continue to love these 10 treasures He has trusted me with to the best of my ability even when it is hard. Love No Matter What....
If this proves to be truth and not some rumor or attention seeking ploy we will most definitely have some talking to do. It seems odd to me that as soon as we make statements such as : we would do what ever it takes to keep siblings together.....we are promptly put to the test to see exactly how far we would go. For instance....Saturday has older siblings who are currently in need of a forever family. Would we take them in? Sassy Pants has 2 siblings already adopted into families. But what if...exactly how far are we willing to go? The answer in my heart is simplisticly complex. What I mean by that is it makes perfect simple sense to me but to the world outside of me may never understand.
I get questions and comments al the time: don't you think you have ENOUGH children? EXACTLY HOW MANY DO YOU THINK YOU WILL TAKE?? and my favorite statement (not really) you know Angela You can't save them ALL.
Each of us were placed here on earth for a purpose. During this season of my life my purpose is THIS. to be a mother to the children who waltz through my door. Some may come and go quickly, some may come ,stay for a time and leave to various places, some may come and stay forever. I rarely know when or for how long but I always know there will be more. You see it is this simple...God called me to this journey. He created me to dance this dance of healing hearts and lives. He asked me to sacrifice in order to be used by Him to help save these lives. It is what I am created to do. Would you ask a painter why he paints so many tapestries? Would you ask a plumber why she fixes toilets? Each of us is called to do different things in life. some are called to build, fix, or mend things. Some are called to be doctors and lawyers. Some are called to teach. I am called to love. unconditionally. So I humbly try, to answer His calling. I try to be obedient to His voice. Do I always answer? no. I have an argumentative spirit at times. And yes I argue, bargain and whine....Am I always cheerful? no. sadly I am not. because quite frankly, I am not always a cheerful participant of HIS plan. I know....I KNOW!!! Shame on me. I am a work in progress and have lots of progress left to make!
So, I suppose if and when that call comes, I am sure we will pray as we always do. I am sure we will seek His direction and guidance. And even if it is difficult, even if it is hard to be cheerful, even if it scares the living daylights out of us. I know we will be obedient to His calling and His guidance and HIS voice. One thing I have learned along the way is that arguing and not following His voice and not living in His will is a painful place to be with consequences I am not prepared to deal with.
please remember though. When you see a family like mine. When you see a momma who has a rainbow of children. And at times you see her face has the wear of time and fragmented patience....remember it is not always easy following God's plan. So don't judge. Offer help. A smile. Some encouragement goes a long way.
Speaking for my own heart...I know I am living out the love God planned for me in this season of my life. I know what it is like to miss His first plan and live out His back up plan and I choose not to go back to that kind of living. Just because I am not always sunshine and smiles does not mean I have regret or wish I made easier choices. It means sometimes right choices are not easy choices. Sometimes following God's plan is a hard difficult journey that takes years to see and hold the sunshine and smiles. Sometimes we all need unconditional love along our journey. If you happen to see me with another new child. Stop, give me a hug or ask me how its going. Remind me that you love me and so does God and THAT is why He has called me to live this out every day. He asked me because He loves me.
In the mean time I am going to continue to love these 10 treasures He has trusted me with to the best of my ability even when it is hard. Love No Matter What....
Thursday, June 20, 2013
Whose baby is A ROCKSTAR???
Mine. That's who!!
Jonah Daniel. "Spuds" My little man. Isaiah's favorite. Daddy's little boy.
Wednesday of this week Jonah and I made our way to the University of Iowa Hospitals for his check up. This was to be the day we found out if we needed a feeding tube or not.
Many prayer went into the preparations for this day. I prayed that God would give me the wisdom I needed to effectively advocate for my boy. I prayed for the strength to follow through with whatever the recommendations might be and the Grace to accept His will.
I will never understand what it is about walking from doctor to doctor and test to test that sucks the energy right out of you but seriously by noon I was completely exhausted and still had several hours left of our day. We had an hour break at noon so I decided to take a walk outdoors. BEST decision of the day. Soaking up the warmth of the sun and enjoying a gentle breeze was exactly what we both needed.
Neurology report: Our sweet boy has no disease or syndrome that would explain his difficulty gaining developmental milestones. It is likely genetic. He is delayed significantly but is expected to develop at a steady pace. We need to adjust our expectation and celebrate every milestone no matter when it is achieved. He may require help longer in life that our typical children. But his quality of life will be good. They recommended further testing but I declined based on the fact that the results would merely place a label over his head and not change the outcome. So What is the point?? I find that when I have allowed my children to be labeled then outsiders change the way they interact with them even before giving them a chance to grow. Not always but enough to feel the need to protect Spuds from having the same experience.
Gastroenterology no changes. Keep meds as is and on board they have allowed him to continue to grow and gain weight which is very exciting just 6 months ago he was in the 17% for his age/size he is now in the 26th% YIPPEE!!! 15% for height but hey you can't have EVERYTHING!.
Best report of the day came from Pulmonology. His asthma is finally under control with our treatment plan of inhaler, prednisone and Augmentin as needed for flare ups. Testing showed no new lung tissue damage. Tests also showed that he is still aspirating and has flash penetration of liquids BUT the thicker the liquid is the easier it is for him to safely swallow. We have done great in keeping his fluids and foods thick minimizing the damage and potential damage to his lungs! YAY!! all this means that we have a plan in place that is working for him to continue to grow and make progress without surgical intervention! No feeding Tube!! This is one happy thankful momma!
We will continue working with him on these plans. And celebrate all the wonderful miracles God has been doing in his little life!! Praise The Lord for His guidance love and protection. No matter what, Spuds will always be a rock star to me!
Jonah Daniel. "Spuds" My little man. Isaiah's favorite. Daddy's little boy.
Wednesday of this week Jonah and I made our way to the University of Iowa Hospitals for his check up. This was to be the day we found out if we needed a feeding tube or not.
Many prayer went into the preparations for this day. I prayed that God would give me the wisdom I needed to effectively advocate for my boy. I prayed for the strength to follow through with whatever the recommendations might be and the Grace to accept His will.
I will never understand what it is about walking from doctor to doctor and test to test that sucks the energy right out of you but seriously by noon I was completely exhausted and still had several hours left of our day. We had an hour break at noon so I decided to take a walk outdoors. BEST decision of the day. Soaking up the warmth of the sun and enjoying a gentle breeze was exactly what we both needed.
Neurology report: Our sweet boy has no disease or syndrome that would explain his difficulty gaining developmental milestones. It is likely genetic. He is delayed significantly but is expected to develop at a steady pace. We need to adjust our expectation and celebrate every milestone no matter when it is achieved. He may require help longer in life that our typical children. But his quality of life will be good. They recommended further testing but I declined based on the fact that the results would merely place a label over his head and not change the outcome. So What is the point?? I find that when I have allowed my children to be labeled then outsiders change the way they interact with them even before giving them a chance to grow. Not always but enough to feel the need to protect Spuds from having the same experience.
Gastroenterology no changes. Keep meds as is and on board they have allowed him to continue to grow and gain weight which is very exciting just 6 months ago he was in the 17% for his age/size he is now in the 26th% YIPPEE!!! 15% for height but hey you can't have EVERYTHING!.
Best report of the day came from Pulmonology. His asthma is finally under control with our treatment plan of inhaler, prednisone and Augmentin as needed for flare ups. Testing showed no new lung tissue damage. Tests also showed that he is still aspirating and has flash penetration of liquids BUT the thicker the liquid is the easier it is for him to safely swallow. We have done great in keeping his fluids and foods thick minimizing the damage and potential damage to his lungs! YAY!! all this means that we have a plan in place that is working for him to continue to grow and make progress without surgical intervention! No feeding Tube!! This is one happy thankful momma!
We will continue working with him on these plans. And celebrate all the wonderful miracles God has been doing in his little life!! Praise The Lord for His guidance love and protection. No matter what, Spuds will always be a rock star to me!
Sunday June 16, 2013
Hi Daddy,
I spent the afternoon with Gramma today. Well, not just me and Gramma....the family and some friends celebrated her 93rd birthday. 93!! But then again, you know that. I still cant get over the fact that every time I look into her eyes I see a reflection of you. The depths of love, compassion and care that flows out of her eyes is the same I remember seeing reflected in yours. One day I hope people are able to say that of me. That the love compassion and care of Gramma's eyes and Daddy's eyes are reflected in mine. What an honor that would be one day to stand in the ranks of you and Gramma...
Oh Daddy It seems so hard to believe that it has been 20 years. June is such a difficult month for me. I miss you more, feel it stronger and deeper during this month. Being with Gramma today made those feelings stronger, they grew in intensity the longer I was there. Holding Gramma's hand I thought :I can't believe it has been 20 years since I have held Daddy's hand in mine." So I squeezed a little harder and held a little longer. Some how, Gramma makes me feel closer to you. Maybe because she is your mother. I don't know. Maybe because even at 93 years old, I can see you in her so intensely. Days like today I feel the depths of loss and grief as if it were just today we said our last goodbyes. Days like today the tears hover right behind my eyes burning to be released. A thick lump forms in my throat making it difficult to swallow or speak. Every thought I think is woven with memories of you. of us. of our family.
Then I stop and think and look around me and I see the pain and loss of others who are suffering from recent loss that I feel selfish. Selfish tat I grieve so deeply even 20 years later. Selfish that I weep tears of sorrow today. I will never understand this journey through grief. My mind swirls with thoughts of how unfair it is to be missing you. How Unreal life seems when I am looking at the joys and pain of my children and turn around to be reminded that you are not here with us to celebrate and soothe these life moments.
Then my heart and mind turn to those around me who have suffered the loss of dear ones even today, within weeks of today.
I find myself wondering what would have been an easier way to grieve....a sudden unexpected loss or the long seamlessly endless illness that ended in the ultimate disappointment a daughter could give to a father. Maybe part of the reason I grieve so deeply is because I know I failed. I failed you. I failed me. I failed Gramma. I remember the planning. You so proudly mapped out your last days. Confidently declaring who was to be where, what you were to be wearing when you were moved from our home. Even planed every detail of your services. One of the things that was so important to you, to Gramma and especially to me was that I be there with you. by your side, holding your hand whispering love and assurance as you gently slipped from our world into heaven.
I have relived that day hundreds of times. I can recite every word, retrace every step and rehash every conversation from sunup until you were... gone. I will not write those details here today. Maybe one day I will have the courage to put those events into words for others to read. But today. I just want to say to you.
Daddy, I am so sorry that I was not with you in your greatest moment of need. In the ONE moment you needed me. I was not there holding your hand, I wasn't not whispering love across you ear. No encouraging words were uttered. No peaceful Hymns were sung. No earnest prayers of peace were sung for your exit from this world and entrance into heaven. I am so sorry Daddy. I wish I would have gone back in to check on you one more time. Then I would have known you needed me.
Thank you for all the amazing lessons of life and love you taught me. Thank you for your firm hand and loving guidance. Thank you for teaching me to love others no matter what. This lesson in and of itself has allowed me to openly love and care for many people I may not have had the opportunity to know. Thank you for the nuggets of wisdom and the treasure of a legacy of unconditional love that I promise will passed on to each and every one of your grandchildren. Can you believe I have 10?? me either. God is good even to those of us who do not deserve His goodness. But you know that too, because THAT is another lesson I learned form you. I am the woman I am today because of you...
Daddy, I Love you always....Angela
I spent the afternoon with Gramma today. Well, not just me and Gramma....the family and some friends celebrated her 93rd birthday. 93!! But then again, you know that. I still cant get over the fact that every time I look into her eyes I see a reflection of you. The depths of love, compassion and care that flows out of her eyes is the same I remember seeing reflected in yours. One day I hope people are able to say that of me. That the love compassion and care of Gramma's eyes and Daddy's eyes are reflected in mine. What an honor that would be one day to stand in the ranks of you and Gramma...
Oh Daddy It seems so hard to believe that it has been 20 years. June is such a difficult month for me. I miss you more, feel it stronger and deeper during this month. Being with Gramma today made those feelings stronger, they grew in intensity the longer I was there. Holding Gramma's hand I thought :I can't believe it has been 20 years since I have held Daddy's hand in mine." So I squeezed a little harder and held a little longer. Some how, Gramma makes me feel closer to you. Maybe because she is your mother. I don't know. Maybe because even at 93 years old, I can see you in her so intensely. Days like today I feel the depths of loss and grief as if it were just today we said our last goodbyes. Days like today the tears hover right behind my eyes burning to be released. A thick lump forms in my throat making it difficult to swallow or speak. Every thought I think is woven with memories of you. of us. of our family.
Then I stop and think and look around me and I see the pain and loss of others who are suffering from recent loss that I feel selfish. Selfish tat I grieve so deeply even 20 years later. Selfish that I weep tears of sorrow today. I will never understand this journey through grief. My mind swirls with thoughts of how unfair it is to be missing you. How Unreal life seems when I am looking at the joys and pain of my children and turn around to be reminded that you are not here with us to celebrate and soothe these life moments.
Then my heart and mind turn to those around me who have suffered the loss of dear ones even today, within weeks of today.
I find myself wondering what would have been an easier way to grieve....a sudden unexpected loss or the long seamlessly endless illness that ended in the ultimate disappointment a daughter could give to a father. Maybe part of the reason I grieve so deeply is because I know I failed. I failed you. I failed me. I failed Gramma. I remember the planning. You so proudly mapped out your last days. Confidently declaring who was to be where, what you were to be wearing when you were moved from our home. Even planed every detail of your services. One of the things that was so important to you, to Gramma and especially to me was that I be there with you. by your side, holding your hand whispering love and assurance as you gently slipped from our world into heaven.
I have relived that day hundreds of times. I can recite every word, retrace every step and rehash every conversation from sunup until you were... gone. I will not write those details here today. Maybe one day I will have the courage to put those events into words for others to read. But today. I just want to say to you.
Daddy, I am so sorry that I was not with you in your greatest moment of need. In the ONE moment you needed me. I was not there holding your hand, I wasn't not whispering love across you ear. No encouraging words were uttered. No peaceful Hymns were sung. No earnest prayers of peace were sung for your exit from this world and entrance into heaven. I am so sorry Daddy. I wish I would have gone back in to check on you one more time. Then I would have known you needed me.
Thank you for all the amazing lessons of life and love you taught me. Thank you for your firm hand and loving guidance. Thank you for teaching me to love others no matter what. This lesson in and of itself has allowed me to openly love and care for many people I may not have had the opportunity to know. Thank you for the nuggets of wisdom and the treasure of a legacy of unconditional love that I promise will passed on to each and every one of your grandchildren. Can you believe I have 10?? me either. God is good even to those of us who do not deserve His goodness. But you know that too, because THAT is another lesson I learned form you. I am the woman I am today because of you...
Daddy, I Love you always....Angela
Thursday, June 13, 2013
1 Peter 4:8
'above all, love each other deeply, because love covers a multitude of sins.' 1peter 4:8
Wednesday, June 5, 2013
Once upon a time there was a little catepillar. She was vibrantly colored, clever, spunky, creative, smart and full of courage. Carolyne was her name. She was beautiful on the outside and wounded on the inside. It was very diffiult being Carlyne. Other catepillars did not understand her. she was a mystery yet to be solved. Carolyne had a rough beginning in life, she knew and believed her future had the potential of becoming bright and beautiful and she knew deep in her heart she wanted to grow up to become the lovliest of all butterflies. But Carolyne carried many hurts and much sadness in her heart and had taught herself over the first years of her life to guard her heart and made a promise to herself to never allow another caterpillar close enough to touch her heart.
Carolyne came from hard places. She was separated from her family and had lost touch with her siblings. Carolyne moved from house to house and family to family with no success of finding the true family who would heal her heart. Until one day. The lady in charge of the place she had been staying sat her down for a talk. You see Carolyne there is a very special family who wants more than anything to meet you. And so over the coming months she met with the family and learned bit by bit that they were different than others who came before. this family cared and showed love in ways she had never seen. After a few months of visits Carolyne moved all of her worldly possessions (3 tubs and a back pack) into their home and began to settle into the middle of a caterpillar family of 10 and a mom and dad. The problem is Carolyne is not used to giving and receiving true love. Real love is scary. so she struggled to return and receive it in any form. Carolyne's story is still being written and her new family will wait for as long as it takes for her little heart to heal enough for her to turn into the beautiful Butterfly that everyone else can already see. One day she will earn her wings and change the world!
Carolyne came from hard places. She was separated from her family and had lost touch with her siblings. Carolyne moved from house to house and family to family with no success of finding the true family who would heal her heart. Until one day. The lady in charge of the place she had been staying sat her down for a talk. You see Carolyne there is a very special family who wants more than anything to meet you. And so over the coming months she met with the family and learned bit by bit that they were different than others who came before. this family cared and showed love in ways she had never seen. After a few months of visits Carolyne moved all of her worldly possessions (3 tubs and a back pack) into their home and began to settle into the middle of a caterpillar family of 10 and a mom and dad. The problem is Carolyne is not used to giving and receiving true love. Real love is scary. so she struggled to return and receive it in any form. Carolyne's story is still being written and her new family will wait for as long as it takes for her little heart to heal enough for her to turn into the beautiful Butterfly that everyone else can already see. One day she will earn her wings and change the world!
Chasing Rainbows
Rainbows have always been symbolic to me. As far back as I can recall I have held a fascination with the sky. Clouds. Rainbows. the reflections of the moon or suns rays shimmering across the sky. So it is no mystery to e that I look to the sky to find my peace. When my world tilts on its axis and begins to spin haphazardly out of control.
Watching the sky on a melancholy day for me is much like standing on the ocean shore feeling the mighty waves rise up and wash over my feet pulling with it all the pain and sorrows of my heart. There is something healing about the waves likewise, the sky.
the last 6 months or so my heart has been flipped upside down and turned inside out with circumstances beyond my control. I have spent many hours searching for peace and answers from God. Some circumstance He has miraculously worked out and I find peace in His answers. Others are as of yet unresolved and rather than improving in time they are raging out of control.
It occurred to me the other day that I have been searching the skies for a rainbow. Literally. I obsessively carry my camera with me every where I go so as not to miss the majestic photo op. I CRAVE the glorious colors spreading across the sky. I need to see a glorious sunset filling the skies with brilliant colors of purple orange and pink. The other day I tried to share this feeling with Scott. In his way I think he understood because yesterday on his way home he called me to tell me to go out doors and look to the east and I would see a beautiful rainbow. I grabbed my camera and ran out the front door to find our skies here in town were too dark to see....I was sad.
Last night as I lay in bed I was reflecting on the day and my mind wandered over the past few months. I see God's hand in every moment. Even the difficult painful heart wrenching moments. I see HIS grace woven through the fabric of each moment. My heart has been through a lot these months. I can honestly say though, that there is not one moment I would take back or trade for another. God is stitching together a tapestry that only He can see right now. I am humbled and grateful for those grace moments. those golden threads of Grace He sews into each and every moment of my life.
So, today I looked to my faithful falling apart well loved and totally worn out bible to see what He has to say about rainbows. These verses stood out to me today....
Ezekiel 1:28
28 Like the appearance of a rainbow in the clouds on a rainy day, so was the radiance around him.
This was the appearance of the likeness of the glory of the Lord. When I saw it, I fell facedown, and I heard the voice of one speaking.
Genesis 9:13
13 I have set my rainbow in the clouds, and it will be the sign of the covenant between me and the earth.
Genesis 9:16
16 Whenever the rainbow appears in the clouds, I will see it and remember the everlasting covenant between God and all living creatures of every kind on the earth.”
Deuteronomy 7:9
9 Know therefore that the Lord your God is God; he is the faithful God, keeping his covenant of love to a thousand generations of those who love him and keep his commandments.
Watching the sky on a melancholy day for me is much like standing on the ocean shore feeling the mighty waves rise up and wash over my feet pulling with it all the pain and sorrows of my heart. There is something healing about the waves likewise, the sky.
the last 6 months or so my heart has been flipped upside down and turned inside out with circumstances beyond my control. I have spent many hours searching for peace and answers from God. Some circumstance He has miraculously worked out and I find peace in His answers. Others are as of yet unresolved and rather than improving in time they are raging out of control.
It occurred to me the other day that I have been searching the skies for a rainbow. Literally. I obsessively carry my camera with me every where I go so as not to miss the majestic photo op. I CRAVE the glorious colors spreading across the sky. I need to see a glorious sunset filling the skies with brilliant colors of purple orange and pink. The other day I tried to share this feeling with Scott. In his way I think he understood because yesterday on his way home he called me to tell me to go out doors and look to the east and I would see a beautiful rainbow. I grabbed my camera and ran out the front door to find our skies here in town were too dark to see....I was sad.
Last night as I lay in bed I was reflecting on the day and my mind wandered over the past few months. I see God's hand in every moment. Even the difficult painful heart wrenching moments. I see HIS grace woven through the fabric of each moment. My heart has been through a lot these months. I can honestly say though, that there is not one moment I would take back or trade for another. God is stitching together a tapestry that only He can see right now. I am humbled and grateful for those grace moments. those golden threads of Grace He sews into each and every moment of my life.
So, today I looked to my faithful falling apart well loved and totally worn out bible to see what He has to say about rainbows. These verses stood out to me today....
Ezekiel 1:28
28 Like the appearance of a rainbow in the clouds on a rainy day, so was the radiance around him.
This was the appearance of the likeness of the glory of the Lord. When I saw it, I fell facedown, and I heard the voice of one speaking.
Genesis 9:13
13 I have set my rainbow in the clouds, and it will be the sign of the covenant between me and the earth.
Genesis 9:16
16 Whenever the rainbow appears in the clouds, I will see it and remember the everlasting covenant between God and all living creatures of every kind on the earth.”
Deuteronomy 7:9
9 Know therefore that the Lord your God is God; he is the faithful God, keeping his covenant of love to a thousand generations of those who love him and keep his commandments.
hate it when that happens!
Have you ever had one of those parenting moments when you realize you have been disciplining the WRONG child for an offense they did not commit and to make the situation even better you did not believe even one of their desperate please for you to believe them??
This wonderful experience happened to me yesterday....UGH!
So for about 3 months now (yes, 3 months!) I have been finding food wrapped up in napkins hiding in various places of the kitchen and dining room. Some of these lovely packages have been found by a wandering toddler, a curious puppy, of by the search and find mission when a nasty horrific smell begins to take over the area. (I hate it when that happens it never ends well!!) When this first began to happen I questioned each of my little angels and of course found all to be completely innocent. So I THOUGHT I knew which one would be guilty of such behavior and began questioning and disciplining the behavior as it occurred. That child quickly developed an attitude issue and started dinnertime behaviors to go along with the hiding of the food thing. Finally we had gone a few weeks with no new packages (at least none have been recovered eeeeekkkk!) Until last night that is....I let the puppies in to play after dinner and found one of them eating a napkin filled with noodles from dinner. and guess what???? The assumed guilty child was not hoe for dinner!!! And my heart dropped into my stomach as I realized that child WAS in fact innocent and undeserving of the discipline they had been given repeatedly. I performed a new investigation and found the real culprit. Who looked me in the eye and replied to my questions of WHY DID YOU DO THIS???? with a wide eyed "I don't know". Now listen....I am an educated mom I understand in my head why kids answer such direct questions with I DONT KNOW. but last night....that response was the LAST response I wanted to hear. I wanted to know WHY. WHYWHYWHYWHY?!?!?!?! the best I got was....I didn't want to get in trouble so I didn't tell the truth. Yet another thing I understand but did not want to deal with last night. COME ON kid. you are old enough now.....you have been through things like this enough to know a lie gets you DEEPER in trouble RIGHT?!?!?! then I get the lovely blank stare. You know....the one where you cant tell if you have grown horns and spots and they are shocked at what they see of is suddenly they have lost their ability to understand English.....so finally feeling weary from the battle and terribly guilty for nailing the wrong kid I waved my white flag and surrendered. I gave up the fight. what a shame! I hate it when I suck!
This wonderful experience happened to me yesterday....UGH!
So for about 3 months now (yes, 3 months!) I have been finding food wrapped up in napkins hiding in various places of the kitchen and dining room. Some of these lovely packages have been found by a wandering toddler, a curious puppy, of by the search and find mission when a nasty horrific smell begins to take over the area. (I hate it when that happens it never ends well!!) When this first began to happen I questioned each of my little angels and of course found all to be completely innocent. So I THOUGHT I knew which one would be guilty of such behavior and began questioning and disciplining the behavior as it occurred. That child quickly developed an attitude issue and started dinnertime behaviors to go along with the hiding of the food thing. Finally we had gone a few weeks with no new packages (at least none have been recovered eeeeekkkk!) Until last night that is....I let the puppies in to play after dinner and found one of them eating a napkin filled with noodles from dinner. and guess what???? The assumed guilty child was not hoe for dinner!!! And my heart dropped into my stomach as I realized that child WAS in fact innocent and undeserving of the discipline they had been given repeatedly. I performed a new investigation and found the real culprit. Who looked me in the eye and replied to my questions of WHY DID YOU DO THIS???? with a wide eyed "I don't know". Now listen....I am an educated mom I understand in my head why kids answer such direct questions with I DONT KNOW. but last night....that response was the LAST response I wanted to hear. I wanted to know WHY. WHYWHYWHYWHY?!?!?!?! the best I got was....I didn't want to get in trouble so I didn't tell the truth. Yet another thing I understand but did not want to deal with last night. COME ON kid. you are old enough now.....you have been through things like this enough to know a lie gets you DEEPER in trouble RIGHT?!?!?! then I get the lovely blank stare. You know....the one where you cant tell if you have grown horns and spots and they are shocked at what they see of is suddenly they have lost their ability to understand English.....so finally feeling weary from the battle and terribly guilty for nailing the wrong kid I waved my white flag and surrendered. I gave up the fight. what a shame! I hate it when I suck!
Tuesday, June 4, 2013
end of another school year
How did this happen????
Where has this school year gone? I swear last week I was planning first day of school breakfast first day outfits buying new supplies and handing out shiny new back packs filled to overflowing with everything a child would need and more to have a successful year in school. All of a sudden I look at my calendar and realize that it is JUNE and tomorrow is the last day of school. Last night while I was laying on the couch in the dark (because we had lost power again) My mind wandered over the year and these last few weeks. It has been a year of growth, achievement, an some pain.
Burrito is completing his final year of preschool and making the big move to Kindergarten. Nervous about that move. The preschool has not done right by Burrito and has decided to remove all of his supports. This blog is NOT going to be about my battle with the teacher and her little army. sigh.... This Momma will put her big girl pants on and do what needs to be done.
SamIAm has made huge strides in progress this year. Participating in TAG and special projects connected with that program has done WONDERS for his confidence level! I am so proud of him. He has had his fair share of struggles this year but the progress he has made is astounding! On to 5th grade for him. Top dogs in the building HA!
Amaris has finally gotten her act together this last quarter of the year and achieved a strong finish. WHEW what a year she has had. One I wish to NEVER repeat ever again!! I would be lying if I said I was not more than a little worried about her transition into junior high next year.
Sassy Pants.....we have hit a road bump in our journey to make her a permanent part of our family. Please pray for her heart, for her healing for our family as we continue to love her through the hard stuff and show her that not everyone who says they love her will hurt her. This too, is another blog for another day.
Elijah has done remarkably well in school. Making the honor roll the whole year. He was invited to play in the jazz band and LOVED the experience!! What a difference a year makes. Last year at this time was so scary for him and for us as we tried to figure out his seizures. This year with the proper medications on board he is truly a new guy! On to 8th grade for him!
Isaiah has successfully completed his 10th grade year. What an amazing human being he has become. I have so many wishes with this boy. I wish his life could have been different. But then I realize he would not be the amazing person he is today had his life been easy. I am so proud of all he has accomplished and overcome! I can't wait to see the next 2 years as they mold him into a man. Thank you God for allowing me to be his Momma! What a blessing!
As I reflect on all the accomplishments milestones heartaches and tears of the year I realize it has flown by so quickly I have missed so much!
Now the bad momma guilt sets in and I realize I was totally unprepared for the end of the year festivities. I missed special moments and failed to honor a couple of very special people who have loved and protected my children over the years. Our bus driver Keith had his last day Friday and I missed it. I had every good intention of honoring this special man before he left. He drove Dominique, Madison, Isaiah, Elijah, Amaris Sassy and Sam....he stood up for my children in tough times encouraged them in sad times and had rejoiced and cheered for all their successes. He will be missed!
I feel awful that I have not been able to attend any special events. what a lame momma.... You cant even say there is always next year. because it doesn't really matter. these milestones happen once. There is only 1 chance to make a memory then it passes you by and the window closes. this year will go into the memory banks of my children as the year momma forgot....everything.
Lord, please bless our summer together with a closeness we have never felt before.
Where has this school year gone? I swear last week I was planning first day of school breakfast first day outfits buying new supplies and handing out shiny new back packs filled to overflowing with everything a child would need and more to have a successful year in school. All of a sudden I look at my calendar and realize that it is JUNE and tomorrow is the last day of school. Last night while I was laying on the couch in the dark (because we had lost power again) My mind wandered over the year and these last few weeks. It has been a year of growth, achievement, an some pain.
Burrito is completing his final year of preschool and making the big move to Kindergarten. Nervous about that move. The preschool has not done right by Burrito and has decided to remove all of his supports. This blog is NOT going to be about my battle with the teacher and her little army. sigh.... This Momma will put her big girl pants on and do what needs to be done.
SamIAm has made huge strides in progress this year. Participating in TAG and special projects connected with that program has done WONDERS for his confidence level! I am so proud of him. He has had his fair share of struggles this year but the progress he has made is astounding! On to 5th grade for him. Top dogs in the building HA!
Amaris has finally gotten her act together this last quarter of the year and achieved a strong finish. WHEW what a year she has had. One I wish to NEVER repeat ever again!! I would be lying if I said I was not more than a little worried about her transition into junior high next year.
Sassy Pants.....we have hit a road bump in our journey to make her a permanent part of our family. Please pray for her heart, for her healing for our family as we continue to love her through the hard stuff and show her that not everyone who says they love her will hurt her. This too, is another blog for another day.
Elijah has done remarkably well in school. Making the honor roll the whole year. He was invited to play in the jazz band and LOVED the experience!! What a difference a year makes. Last year at this time was so scary for him and for us as we tried to figure out his seizures. This year with the proper medications on board he is truly a new guy! On to 8th grade for him!
Isaiah has successfully completed his 10th grade year. What an amazing human being he has become. I have so many wishes with this boy. I wish his life could have been different. But then I realize he would not be the amazing person he is today had his life been easy. I am so proud of all he has accomplished and overcome! I can't wait to see the next 2 years as they mold him into a man. Thank you God for allowing me to be his Momma! What a blessing!
As I reflect on all the accomplishments milestones heartaches and tears of the year I realize it has flown by so quickly I have missed so much!
Now the bad momma guilt sets in and I realize I was totally unprepared for the end of the year festivities. I missed special moments and failed to honor a couple of very special people who have loved and protected my children over the years. Our bus driver Keith had his last day Friday and I missed it. I had every good intention of honoring this special man before he left. He drove Dominique, Madison, Isaiah, Elijah, Amaris Sassy and Sam....he stood up for my children in tough times encouraged them in sad times and had rejoiced and cheered for all their successes. He will be missed!
I feel awful that I have not been able to attend any special events. what a lame momma.... You cant even say there is always next year. because it doesn't really matter. these milestones happen once. There is only 1 chance to make a memory then it passes you by and the window closes. this year will go into the memory banks of my children as the year momma forgot....everything.
Lord, please bless our summer together with a closeness we have never felt before.
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