Sunday June 16, 2013

Hi Daddy,
I spent the afternoon with Gramma today. Well, not just me and Gramma....the family and some friends celebrated her 93rd birthday. 93!! But then again, you know that. I still cant get over the fact that every time I look into her eyes I see a reflection of you. The depths of love, compassion and care that flows out of her eyes is the same I remember seeing reflected in yours. One day I hope people are able to say that of me. That the love compassion and care of Gramma's eyes and Daddy's eyes are reflected in mine. What an honor that would be one day to stand in the ranks of you and Gramma...
Oh Daddy It seems so hard to believe that it has been 20 years. June is such a difficult month for me. I miss you more, feel it stronger and deeper during this month. Being with Gramma today made those feelings stronger, they grew in intensity the longer I was there. Holding Gramma's hand I thought :I can't believe it has been 20 years since I have held Daddy's hand in mine." So I squeezed a little harder and held a little longer. Some how, Gramma makes me feel closer to you. Maybe because she is your mother. I don't know. Maybe because even at 93 years old, I can see you in her so intensely. Days like today I feel the depths of loss and grief as if it were just today we said our last goodbyes. Days like today the tears hover right behind my eyes burning to be released. A thick lump forms in my throat making it difficult to swallow or speak. Every thought I think is woven with memories of you. of us. of our family.
Then I stop and think and look around me and I see the pain and loss of others who are suffering from recent loss that I feel selfish. Selfish tat I grieve so deeply even 20 years later. Selfish that I weep tears of sorrow today. I will never understand this journey through grief. My mind swirls with thoughts of how unfair it is to be missing you. How Unreal life seems when I am looking at the joys and pain of my children and turn around to be reminded that you are not here with us to celebrate and soothe these life moments.
Then my heart and mind turn to those around me who have suffered the loss of dear ones even today, within weeks of today.
I find myself wondering what would have been an easier way to grieve....a sudden unexpected loss or the long seamlessly endless illness that ended in the ultimate disappointment a daughter could give to a father. Maybe part of the reason I grieve so deeply is because I know I failed. I failed you. I failed me. I failed Gramma. I remember the planning. You so proudly mapped out your last days. Confidently declaring who was to be where, what you were to be wearing when you were moved from our home. Even planed every detail of your services. One of the things that was so important to you, to Gramma and especially to me was that I be there with you. by your side, holding your hand whispering love and assurance as you gently slipped from our world into heaven.
I have relived that day hundreds of times. I can recite every word, retrace every step and rehash every conversation from sunup until you were... gone. I will not write those details here today. Maybe one day I will have the courage to put those events into words for others to read. But today. I just want to say to you.
Daddy, I am so sorry that I was not with you in your greatest moment of need. In the ONE moment you needed me. I was not there holding your hand, I wasn't not whispering love across you ear. No encouraging words were uttered. No peaceful Hymns were sung. No earnest prayers of peace were sung for your exit from this world and entrance into heaven. I am so sorry Daddy. I wish I would have gone back in to check on you one more time. Then I would have known you needed me.
Thank you for all the amazing lessons of life and love you taught me. Thank you for your firm hand and loving guidance. Thank you for teaching me to love others no matter what. This lesson in and of itself has allowed me to openly love and care for many people I may not have had the opportunity to know. Thank you for the nuggets of wisdom and the treasure of a legacy of unconditional love that I promise will passed on to each and every one of your grandchildren. Can you believe I have 10?? me either. God is good even to those of us who do not deserve His goodness. But you know that too, because THAT is another lesson I learned form you.  I am the woman I am today because of you...
Daddy, I Love you always....Angela