If one lives long enough, it becomes clear that there are no guarantees in life. There are moments, days and weeks when the lack of control feels overwhelming. This becomes blatantly evident when a loved one is struggling with a chronic illness. Every family walks with joy and pain, blessings and excruciating losses.
Facing these issues is as emotionally painful for me as anyone else around the world, yet my burden is lessened simply because of my deep rooted faith. My daughter lives with bipolar disorder. Sometimes she “has” bipolar disorder and sometimes she “struggles with” bipolar disorder and, yes, sometimes she “suffers” from bipolar disorder. Yet it is still a painful struggle, not only for a person facing a chronic illness every single day, but for those who love him or her. Sadly, my daughter struggles more than she lives. Due in part to attitude, in part to traumas she has suffered over her growing up years.  I, too, have various relationships with her illness. When things are going well I am keenly aware of our incredible blessings. But, when she falls or struggles with new symptoms I find it difficult to count my blessings while fighting the worries that well up from the deepest parts of my heart. When Madison's illness takes her into bumps or twisty-turns or even on roller-coaster rides I struggle against fear, anger and grief. I KNOW in my head that I have no control. There is so much that I can do but also so much that I cannot. I cannot fix it or make it go away. I have tried negotiating with God when my daughter : “Give it to me, Lord. Let me have it. My daughter is young and just beginning her life, she has her whole future ahead of her. I can handle it.” But the answer is always, “No, daughter, I have a plan for her life and for yours as well.” Finally and ultimately I have no choice but to cry then simply accept it and cover her in prayer.
Sometimes all I can do is sit by and just be. Just BE. A concept so very difficult, even beyond my comprehension most days. I am not a sitter or even one who naturally can just "be". It is a skill I try to practice every day. A concept exceedingly tested by the experiences of living with a child who suffers with chronic illness. I try to remind myself that there are positive and wonderful things that have come from this journey. Sometimes they are nearly impossible to remember but so true: honesty, love, deeper friendships and relationship, commitment, strength, humility and patience. I am in awe at the God-granted strength that wells up inside me and allows me to move forward when faced again and again with the incredible pain and worry that comes with this journey. I try to allow myself to embrace the simple joys that I find in the daily walk of life. I try to remember the promises and plans that were laid for me even before I was born. I am learning more every day to trust in His plans. Some day my daughter will learn to live with bipolar and then when the bumps and twisty turns and roller coasters hit she will be strong enough to stand through those trials. For now, it is my time to sit and just "be" while she falls and figures this journey out....quite possibly the most difficult part of the journey. Watching failures come and knowing the train is going off track and not having the ability to stop it from crashing.

Sir Samuel

Samuel was fighting ferocious dragons in our yard.

Sam is a great protector of our land!

Sam enlisted a trusty assistant Burrito to help in the battle!

their special fort

no dragon is able to get them there

A very special lady Debbie saw the photos of Sam slaying dragon and thought he needed something...

he has been officially knighted Sir Sam!

Poor Sir Sam has a very mean Mommy who wont let him fight dragons when it is cold and muddy out but he is ready for a new battle...now only if the weather would cooperate so he can go out and fight!

Mindfulness is the aware, balanced acceptance of the present experience.

It isn't more complicated than that.

It is opening to or receiving the present moment, pleasant or unpleasant, just as it is,

without either clinging to it or rejecting it.

-Sylvia Boorstein

the new Me

HA! HA! HA! HA! First let me start by saying I HATE being photographed! There are only 1 or 2 photos of me as an adult that I actually like so this is crazy that I have taken my own photo and posted it times 3!!
There are a couple reasons why I have decided to post this today. 1. I am trying to make a better effort of taking care of myself, putting time into actually looking like a girl. In hopes that I will feel better. 2. I wanted my friends and family from far away to see how I look 10 days post shave day. I am getting used to the look. It was such a surreal experience. I am not sure I will ever find the words to describe what I have felt through out this experience. I have learned that hats give me a headache and I am not good at tying scarves around bald heads so I have been sporting the bald look. I do however, check with the kids whenever we go somewhere to be sure they are ok with me going bareheaded.
So there you have it....the new me. YIKES!

Hail Storm and another good bye

Yesterday Dominique and I ran a bunch of errands in the morning and then I baked TONS of cookies for him to take on this tour with him. There is one band member who is a Vegan....so I decided to try my hand at vegan cookie baking and guess what?? They turned out WAY better than I imagined they would. I was a little paranoid so I saved all my packages so he could check to make sure I bought all the right ingredients. I didn't want him getting sick on the road! He approved and reports say he LOVES them! YAY!!
After Burrito got home from school we had an unexpected Hail Storm that lasted nearly 30 minutes! It was unreal. Burrito kept saying "Look Mommy, snowballs falling in the sky!!"
Around 230 the band rolled in the drive and we said our goodbyes to Dominique again. I miss him already!

girl time with Amaris

I love it when moments arrive and I am blessed with one on one time with one of my children. This weekend provided one of those times for me to spend special time alone with Amaris.
We went shopping. We looked at all the things She wanted to look at. She tried on clothes and sparkling stuff and shoes. We looked at jewelry and smelly bath salts. She chattered almost non stop. It was lovely to spend time with her alone.
We talked about growing up and what that means. We talked about being chosen and loving the fact that she is so unique and special. We talked about how very lucky I am to her forever mom.
She talked about memories of her other family. She told me she is glad I don't get angry when she remembers. It made me sad to think that she even thought I could be angry at that.
We snuck off and got ice cream after we finished shopping.
I realized as I listened to her chatter on about a million different things....My little girl is growing up. She is beautiful. It amazes me how much more I love her each day!

spring break 2011

Spring break was a busy fun filled week mixed with illness and visitors.
We had Spring Break VBS day camp at church. The theme for the week was 70's what fun! I taught the bible story Monday through Thursday. Burrito and I did not go on any of the afternoon field trips but the other children went. All reports have been super exciting! This year Isaiah was a team helper, he really had fun!

Elijah was sick most of the week. According to the doctor it was viral and apparently not contagious since there was no fever....I am not so sure I agree since so many other kids came down with similar symptoms as the week went on. By Thursday evening he had a headache and fever so he missed the big Omaha Zoo trip. He is feeling much better today, not quite 100%
Friday to tonight we had 3 extra kiddos. They were so much fun! We Played out doors a lot and watched a movie.
This afternoon I snuck away for a couple minutes and went to Mrs. Dorothy's 80th birthday celebration She is a very special lady to me. What a beautiful day for a beautiful Lady!

Shave day!

 

Scott and the boys surprised me with these beautiful flowers this morning!

 the other side of the bouquet....so LOVELY!

waiting my turn

our team prior to the shave

there it goes!

almost done!

Shawna ROCKS! I could never have done this if it weren't for Shawna!!

the team after the shave!

i took this one off someone's facebook...Burrito forgave me!!!!!!!