Hope is that thing with feathers that perches in the soul and sings the tune without the words and never stops.....at all.(Emily Dickinson)

Last night I could not sleep. I was worried because Madison was not sleeping. She had a busy and emotional day and I was worried so I sat up on the computer until the wee hours. One of my dear friends, Deb, was also on line because she was sitting in the ER with her son. Deb is one of those friends that you know is always there. You pray for her, she prays for you yet you rarely have the time to sit and visit. Last night was one of those rare moments when we were able to chat. I am so grateful for the time because the words she shared with me touched me deeply and forced me to alter my thoughts. Which is a good thing! She hesitated to share because I think she didnt want to hurt my feelings. Which brought to mind the song "Say" by John Mayer. I needed to hear what Deb had to say and I am so thankful she was brave enough to share. I had no idea Deb reads my blog after reading it yesterday she felt she needed to share this with me~
D~ I thought about something our pastor's husband said once when he was preaching. He was saying what if our calling is exactly where we are right now and what if we lived our life as if this is exactly where God intended for us to be.
What if instead of figuring out what lesson you were supposed to be learning with Madison, what if God simply put this plan together for you to be her Mom, her advocate, her protector. What if it's the lessons she's learning and this is exactly where God is intending for you to be.
The "what if" of this moment hung all night in the hallways of my heart and bounced about in my thoughts. What if Deb is right. What if this is part of my calling? What if God planned it exactly like this all along? What if this is less about me and more about a beautiful daughter and her journey? 
I know I will be pondering these "what ifs" a lot in the coming days.
Thanks Deb for caring enough to listen when you were promplted to tell me what your thoughts were. I needed to hear your words and the words of that man.

All Stars

Elijah was chosen to play on the SEP All Star Baseball team this year. This is a first for him. At first he was nervous and a little scared. Practices started last Monday and have been nearly every day since. He is much more relaxed now and getting excited for the games to begin. The coach has been great. Real encouraging to the boys and building their strengths and identifying places where they need a little work. Lij has even enjoyed all the drills. Baseball is his love! Today will be their last practice.
Tomorrow is the first game. We travel to Polk City, then Ankeny on Wednesday, Runnells (home) on Thursday, and finally Story City on Friday. We will be busy putting miles on the van for baseball this week. I am super excited to see him play. Win or Lose I know Elijah is happiest on that ball field doing what he loves most. For a 10 year old boy does it get any better? summer, sun, baseball. I don't think so!

Have you ever felt like your life was a living coaster. High highs, low lows, random loop-d-loops, flips and corkscrews?
I try so hard to pray, do my devotions, read my bibe, treat others like I WANT to be treated, be a blessing to others, put others first. I TRY to be a good example. I try to show love and Be love....I do not want to experience roller coaster living. So why then, am I on this perpetual coaster? Why can I not find the exit? Even worse than being on a perpetual coaster without any control of my own is the fact that I am on this coaster alone. I want off. What lesson am I supposed to be learning?? Someone please tell me what lesson I am supposed to be learning so I can learn it and get off.
High: when I arrived at TC to pick up Madison on Thursday afternoon I had to meet with the director. I was nervous and praying I would be a blessing and not allow any of my negative feelings show in this meeting. When she shared with me how much she appreciated my parenting and ability to support TC and my daughter. Even in the hard times even when I did not completely agree with them I supported and worked with them to help Madison. I appreciated hearing that so much more than Sister Cookie will ever know. Being Madison's Mom has not been an easy journey but I love her!
High: Sister Cookie also weanted me to know that Madison had a couple visitors on Tuesday of last week. Pastor Paul and Pastor Keith! I was blown away! Those 2 men will never know how deeply their visit touched me. That after all this time and all the hurt others caused them that they still remembered my daughter and a promise they had made to me last December. Speechless I was! My life is richly blessed because of the imprints they have left. I am grateful!
Low: certain people who have ignored us and been angry with us and placed judgements on us for the choices that have been made in order to save the life of our Madison have chosen to now suddenly return to church. return to our lives. why? do they really honestly care about us? do they care at all about my other children? i dont believe so. have we heard from them in 15 months? no. have they once called and asked: are you ok? how are you doing? do you need anything? how are the other children doing? NOPE. Do they not realize my heart has been broken and I have been forever changed by the devestating choices we ahve had to make to save her?? no. but Madison returns and suddenly they are in church so they can see her. suddenly they are calling. suddenly they want Madison to come over. to go places. have they thought one time what this will do to Madison? have they done one thing to support Madison on her journey? to change their attitudes? to show any kind of love at all towards my other children? Do they realize the damage that has been caused? the hurt that will be added to what is already there? Do they really care? I dont think so.
I am sad. I am angry. I want to protect ALL of my children. I want ALL of my children to be happy and healthy. I want them to be all that God created them to be, I want them to live the life God chose for them. ALL of them. Dominique all the way down the line to Burrito. Including Madison.
Truth be known....the other children have spent their lives sacrificing for Madison. Lovingly willingly selflessly, giving up time, things and events in order that Madison be OK. Not one of them has ever complained or become bitter. Why? because they love her. I love her. we all love her and all we want is for her to successfully complete this journey of healing. to arrive at the finish line healed. whole. completely!
I have bounced back and forth over the years from feeling deeply hurt at their feelings actions and attitudes toward me, to not caring at all, to trying desperately to make it right in any way I can. I look back over the past 15 years and realize it was not me. IT WAS NOT ME. I did nothing. and that revelation makes me sad. sad at all my children have lost over nothing. then I move to feeling like I really dont care what they think. I dont care if I ever have to see them again. I dont want them around my children because they have caused enough pain enough hurt enough division. and somewhere along the way someone has to draw a line and say that is enough! If they wont draw it and Scott wont draw then who will? do I continuously forever more allow this to go on and on and on....do I draw the line and prove them all to be correct. after all these years there you have it. they get to be right. it is my choice. in the end. I will chose to protect my children. ALL of them Madison included. and for now. she needs to be protected. madison has made great progress. she is not done yet. she still has some miles left to travel.
We all have miles left to travel. I have a lesson I need to learn somewhere in the middle of all this mess. I just wish I could find a clue so I could learn it and move past this coaster part of life and on to the kind of life I wish to live. one that would be life giving and blessing to others.
If only they would see what has happened. If only an apology would arrive and then forgiveness and healing for all could take place. I am deeply sorry I am not the person they wish I were. But I am who God created me to be. I am trying to listen to my Father and follow His direction. I ahve made mistakes along the way. I ahve hurt people. I have apologized and asked forgiveness. I can not do any more than that. The rest is up to God.
I wish I didn't have to travel this journey alone. I wish more than anything that I could learn my lesson and get off this coaster.