Wind Turbine Lego

A surprise arrived via Fed Ex yesterday. Uncle Cowboy has been lookin gfor this special edition Vestas Wind Turbine Lego for over a year now. He finally found it on Ebay! This Lego came from London Engalnd! It was just about more than Isaiah could bare to see that box sitting on the dining room table while he finished up school for the day! By 2 o'clock he was in all his glory building away in the basement. We decided since it was such a special piece and all the family would enjoy seeing it run we would display it in the living room! Yes, it is battery powered and the blades actually rotate!

VERY COOL!!

Thank you Uncle Cowboy!!!!

Call me crazy if you want to. But I LOVE having the house over flowing with the chatter and giggles and busy-ness of children. This week we have 3 extra kiddos staying with us. ages 4 6 and 8 sorry! 4 and a half! 6 and 8 and three quarters!! heeheehee! They will be with us until Sunday night and I LOVE having them!
They bring joy to my heart!

This week is spring break week for us. It is a busy busy week. We will spend the week at vacation bible school day camp at church. Wed through Friday I will have 4 extra kiddos tagging along with us. We will have 3 kiddos in respite care Tuesday afternoon through Sunday night. We love having them with us they are amazing kids!! My little buddy Ben will spend the mornings with us. Now is the time I wish I had a bigger van to carry as many children as I want. Thanks mother for helping transport this week the kids will be so happy!
Friday will be foster parents night out. Looking forward to a spring Easter theme this month! As always we will have a blast!!
I got a call from my doctor. He got the labs back and was not real happy with the results. Rather than 4 months I have to go back in to have a re-check in 4 weeks! UGH! There are more reasons than we originally thought for my exhaustion. Investigating has begun. I have traveled this road before, I am ok with the journey it the unknown part that I struggle with. Honestly there are just too many unknown variables right now. So specualtion is easy to do but not a good idea!
I will try to rest and do what the doctor says. Not easy for me to do! Prayers would be appreciated. THANKS! love you all....A

There was no Loincloth

The following is a copy of the devotion I read this morning. I liked it and thought I would share.
T.D. Jakes
Who His own self bare our sins in His own body on the tree, that we, being dead to sins, should live unto righteousness: by whose stripes we are healed. 1 Peter 2:24

The Saviors head is pricked with the thorns of every issue that would ever rest on my mind. His hands are nailed through for every vile thing I have ever used mine to do. His feet are nailed to the tree for every illicit, immoral place you and I have ever walked in! Sweat and blood race down His tortured frame. His oozing, gaping wounds are tormented by the abrasive bark of that old rugged cross, and are assaulted by the salty sweat of a dying man. In spite of His pain and abuse, in spite of His torment and His nudity, He was still preaching as they watched Him dying----naked and not ashamed!
Oh preacher, you say you've been through some things and that you've been hurt--- still you must not stop preaching. Even though you have been stripped and others have beheld  your nakedness, there are still some who will hear your words. Some dying thief will relate to you---if you can preach through your nudity and minister through your pain. Someone will relate to you and be saved because you stayed at your post and did what you were called to do!
Yes, the tormentors unveiled Him as if they were unmasking a painting. His nailed hands were denied the privilege of hiding Himself. He was exposed. So what about the issue of the loincloth? Where did this loincloth come from? Why is it painted on most of the pictures I see of the cross? Isn't that what hinders us now? Are we, the Body of Christ, hiding beneath a loincloth that has stifled our testimony and blocked our ability to be transparent, even with one another? There is seemingly some secret order whereby we have not been allowed to share our struggles as well as our successes. Our ministers are dying of loneliness because they feel obligated to maintain some false image of perfection in order to be serviceable in our society. We have no one to laugh with, no one to cry with, and no one to sit down and share a sandwich with us. Beneath the loincloth of human expectation and excessive demands, many men and women are bleeding to death!
TD Jakes~

This hit me hard both on a personal level and in thinking of all the changes and trials and triumphs our church have endured over the past year. I know Jakes is speaking figuratively here and it totally made sense to me. I often hesitate and even think a day or 2 before writing about what weighs heavy on my mind. Fearing what others may be thinking. I often think those around me have perfect lives with perfect children and never have any issues remotely similar to what we face. So it is easier to put on the loincloth and cover my nakedness so as not to expose my children or my my pain.
 I am going to try really hard to work on not being this way. Just maybe the patchwork pieces of my crazy life will touch the life of someone out there who otherwise would have no hope.

God is good.
He takes small moments in time. Bits of peace and quiet to whisper into our darkest hours. HOPE.
This is what He whispered to me last night when sleep ran away from me.
^{Matthew  10:30 
30} And the very hairs on your head are all numbered.
He did not count them....counting would mean that He merely knows how many are there. NOPE! He numbered them! That means He knows which ones washed down the drain this morning. He has a chronological history of each and every strand that has ever grown on my rounded head!
In the same respect He showed me that He has every detail of my life and those whom I love in His sights as well. God's mind is FULL of me! Even in these moments of absolute terror and storm when I don't know what I am doing. when I am not sure how things will turn out.  None of this was a surprise to Him. He knew I would be facing these storms and He knew I could handle it. I just have to remind myself that I need to trust in Him and He will carry me when I need carried, hold my hand when I need His hand and He will lovingly walk alongside just in case...

where is the line....please tell me!

That seems to be the question we always come back to when talking about Madison. When she was little we searched for the line of obedience and compliance....as a young teen we searched for the line of can and can't will and wont....now we are searching again for the line. This tiem is the tough love line....I guess if I were to think about it I would admit that all along that has really been the line I search for.
I am scared. I am worried. I am feeling like I have failed. (please do not argue with me).
You see here is the real deal. bold. in your face. fact based. real deal. about my girl. If you are not equipped to hear the truth please either stop reading or at the very least refrain from letting me know you disagree.
fact 1. Madison has Bipolar
fact 2 Madison has ADHD
fact 3 Madison has been flagged for a possible PD more to come on that at a later date.
fact 4. Madison is a cutter who even after a year of intense treatment still has urges to do so and has in the last 4 days successfully cut herself.
fact 5. Madison has had suicidal thoughts and has planned it out and continues to struggle with those thoughts.
fact 6. Madison is emotionally and psychologically not her age of 18.
fact 7 Madison is a survivor of horrible abuses from which I was unable to protect her. (I say survivor because I am claiming this over her life one day she will be)
fact 8. I LOVE her and want the very best for her life!!


So here is the deal....
She is coming up on her 1 year anniversary at TC. I had hoped she would be further along in her recovery by now but honestly am not surprised at where we are. She is still very bitter and angry. She is still hurting.
This week alone Madison has hurt herself by cutting and has attempted to run away. I am so afraid for her. If she runs she will fall into the hands of horrible people who will take advantage of her at best and kill her at worst. If she runs she will be scooped up into the world of addicts and pimps and trafficking and drugs. and we will NEVER SEE HER AGAIN....Madison is not capable of making safety decision for herself. She acts without thinking. She is extremely impulsive and has no concept of consequence.
When she tried to run this week. The director said, well she is 18 if she doesnt want to be here we can not make her stay. If she runs then that is her choice.
So this brings me to my issue. my sewarch. my fears. my living terror that keeps me awake at night....
At what point do we as parents draw the line? If I knew she was capable of rational thought and able to care for herself but happened to be a rebellious teen it would be different for me. As hard as it would be I believe I would be able to say OK. Here is the line. If you walk or run and do not complete your program then you will have to learn the hard way. done. STILL LOVE YOU but the line is here and it is here BECAUSE I love you!!!
BUT this is Madison....she is not like other 18 year old kids.
So where is the line? how do I find her the help she needs to be as happy and healthy and complete as possible?
I can't find the line...I cant find the help....
I can pray and do...daily.
so please pray I can see the line before it is too late and I lose my beautiful daughter.
love
angela

Sometimes what we hear is not really what we want to hear. This can apply in so many different situations. but today in particular for me was absolutely not what I wanted to hear...
I love my doctor! I avoid my doctor because I hate the scale. that's it I said it! Seriously I have canceled appointments in the past just because I could not imagine stepping on the scale. Sad isn't it?? haha I can't believe I just admitted that! what is life coming to??
Anyway I had to see my doctor today for 2 reasons. 1. I am out of thyroid medicine and refills (ok so the pharmacy told me he refused to call in any more refills until I come in for blood work yikes!) and 2. I was in the hospital and so sick one of the requirements of my discharge was to follow up with him. Again I really love him. He has been my doctor since Dom was 3! He has saved my life twice. literally!
We chatted I gave him a photo of all my kiddos.
He was a bit concerned about my coughing. I told him HONEST I feel good! I just wish I wasn't so tired!
First we took a walk. A 'brisk power walk' according to him I need to be taking more of these....the walk triggered a coughing fit I had a hard time controlling. He told me I will be on the inhalers for a long time. Then we went for a walk and he showed me all my xrays and test results.
When we returned to the exam room I asked him about the exhaustion. do you know what he said?
You were sick (yes, I know this) you can expect it to take 4 to 6 months MONTHS!! to be 100% You need to take extra good care of yourself so you do not get sick because your body can not recover well at this time. UGH months??? really? so unfair!
Then he dropped the bomb...I could tell it was coming when he took extra long to examine my neck and some lymph nodes. I kept thinking ... no no no no no no no ~ do. not. look. at. my. charts. but he did. and then he looked again. then he re examined my neck. then he sighed....and I knew what he was about to say. So I contemplated tuning him out but knew that would not work. So I listened as he explained that I need to have the whole thyroid testing thing again! ( I hate hate hate this!! )
But lucky me ( hear the sarcasm?) I have to be well before he makes me sick again! I said why can't we just do it now and make me feel totally crappy then I can get better. Nope. no way. no deal. 4 months I have to come back and see if he thinks I am healthy enough to make sick! UGH! POOH! In the mean time we did a million ( not really) like 6 or 8 tubes of blood work. He will call if he changes his mind.
I will be waiting and ready to throw a tantrum....maybe that will get me out of this! do ya think?
Love,
Angela

The conference was great on Friday! We completed CPR and First Aid. The class wasn't as bad as I anticipated it to be. We had a good group of people and the instructors were fun people. I am excited because I talked to the instructors about training all my Dropz of Hope volunteers I am looking forward to setting the training up!
I met several new families who are excited about Dropz of Hope and Foster Parents Night Out, one family even said they would be willing to drive 3 hours from their home just to have a date night!! Hearing that made me happy to be providing such a valuable service but sad that it is that necessary and that unavailable to our special families!!
I also met the director of post adoption support. She introduced me to the worker in charge of our area. We talked about services available to us for Sam Amaris and Zephan that I had no idea were available! I am really encouraged by this meeting. I will be calling him today to get more information.
In my research I found this conference being provided in Omaha. The cost is affordable and I am praying Scott will allow me to go. I would have to be gone a Friday night and all day Saturday at the end of April. But the training would be well worth it and I am excited!!
This weekend was crazy busy! Friday night the boys had a lock-in at church they went swimming bowling and had pizza and tons of fun! I stayed home with the three youngest and my good friend Trudy came over, we had good conversation. It has been a LOOOONG time since we have spent time together it was nice.
Saturday brought rain and a birthday party for my little buddy Ben. He had a swimming party at the local hotel. The kids all had fun swimming until the Burrito fell into the hot tub and Lij tried to save him but he was too slippery and kept sliding out of his arms! Finally after 3 or 4 tries Scott got there and grabbed him. Sputtering and coughing and SCREAMING! Poor Lij was scared to death. and there ended our swimming fun...
After the party we decided to grab some tacos to take home for dinner.
Teen Challenge called just as we were pulling into the parking lot. I spent 40 minutes on the phone trying to calm Madison down ( I will post a seperate post about this mess!)
My special friend Donna came over for a few minutes, it is ALWAYS wonderful to have her sweet face around! We all love her!!
Sunday was a busy day, church a wonderful talk with my dear friend :0) then run to Hy Vee so I could buy sack lunch items for the week. After church we had a nice reception for Pastor Ray and his wife Pat who have been called to serve as senior pastors in Arizona! Wonderful for them to be following God's call on their livces wonderful for the people in AZ....sad for us! We LOVE them so much they have been such amazing people in our lives and we are so grateful for the opportunity to have gotten to know them! Be blessed as you move forward and continue to touch and change lives for HIM!
Today is Monday and I am already tired!
Happy Monday to all my friends!!
Love ang

This is my favorite time of the year. IFAPA conference. Usually Joy comes home and stays with the children and we leave early Friday morning and stay at the conference center. We take classes all day Friday there are fun activities Friday evening and then more classes all day Saturday. I LOVE going to conference. I love meeting other foster and adoptive families. I love hearing stories. But more than all of that I love taking all the training classes. This year will be different. for so many reasons. We will only be attending during the day on Friday and rather than sitting and soaking in the knowledge and wisdom of all the special speakers we will be taking first aid and CPR. POOH! Its not that I dont think first aid and CPR are important trainings to take. I really do! I just hate to waste this time and miss out on so many amazing classes. I wish we could take an entire week and then we could take all the classes they offer.
This year will feel so different but I am looking forward to meeting old friends and making new friends too.

before reading please understand....I write to make sense out of the swirls of my mind. It helps me feel better and helps me think more clearly. LOVE you ALL!!

Goodness. I have thought and thought about what to write here the last few days. I started to write several different things then either deleted them or put them into the draft file. I have so many emotions rolling around within the walls of my heart. Welling up like ocean waves waiting to crash onto the shores of my soul.
I wrote about my children. I wrote about Lij and his pain that was healed. I wrote about love and heroes. I wrote about lost sheep and my boy and the little lamb my daughter. I wrote about the past of my children defining who they are today the pains they have suffered at the hands or genetics of the bios causing scars to form and altering their present and future. and I wrote of wondering if those scars are forever or will they fade away. have their bios left such imprints on who they are that it will never change who they will become. how can I heal those wounds. I wrote about prayer and forgiveness and unconditional love. I wrote about friends who seem closer than a sister. I wrote about my heart weeping wrenching with cries for the children...the  lost and forgotten children the foster children young and old. I wrote about dropz of hope and the direction we are heading or not heading the progress we have made and the set backs we have suffered. magazines and failed fundraisers. hopes for the future. needs for the children. I wrote of dogs and a little boys broken heart. I wrote of tears and how the shower is the best place to cry because no one can see your pain and the tears wash down the drain leaving no evidence behind. beautiful. I wrote of Life lessons a mother wishes she could erase. I wrote about relationships new and old. lost or hurt or forgotten or neglected. I wrote of jealousies and misunderstandings. I wrote of disappointments fears triumphs and rejoicing. I wrote of chicken potpie and apple crisp. I wrote of wisdom and encouragement. I wrote of losses and sadness. tears and laughter. I wrote of India a missing my brother. Tours and missing my Son. I wrote of love and loss and....
and none of it seemed to make any more sense when typed out on this lovely blog for all to read than it did while still swirling in my heart causing waves to swell and threaten the beaches of my soul....so I sighed and clicked delete or save to draft and quietly shut off the computer and walked away.
My heart is heavy. my soul is stormy and I am not quite sure how to express it all in words that make any sense at all.
so.
I am here.
still swirling with the storm of thoughts. overwhelmed by it all and the enormity of life.
but still praising. still praying. still growing and still not totally consumed by the storm.
love ~ ang