That seems to be the question we always come back to when talking about Madison. When she was little we searched for the line of obedience and compliance....as a young teen we searched for the line of can and can't will and wont....now we are searching again for the line. This tiem is the tough love line....I guess if I were to think about it I would admit that all along that has really been the line I search for.
I am scared. I am worried. I am feeling like I have failed. (please do not argue with me).
You see here is the real deal. bold. in your face. fact based. real deal. about my girl. If you are not equipped to hear the truth please either stop reading or at the very least refrain from letting me know you disagree.
fact 1. Madison has Bipolar
fact 2 Madison has ADHD
fact 3 Madison has been flagged for a possible PD more to come on that at a later date.
fact 4. Madison is a cutter who even after a year of intense treatment still has urges to do so and has in the last 4 days successfully cut herself.
fact 5. Madison has had suicidal thoughts and has planned it out and continues to struggle with those thoughts.
fact 6. Madison is emotionally and psychologically not her age of 18.
fact 7 Madison is a survivor of horrible abuses from which I was unable to protect her. (I say survivor because I am claiming this over her life one day she will be)
fact 8. I LOVE her and want the very best for her life!!
So here is the deal....
She is coming up on her 1 year anniversary at TC. I had hoped she would be further along in her recovery by now but honestly am not surprised at where we are. She is still very bitter and angry. She is still hurting.
This week alone Madison has hurt herself by cutting and has attempted to run away. I am so afraid for her. If she runs she will fall into the hands of horrible people who will take advantage of her at best and kill her at worst. If she runs she will be scooped up into the world of addicts and pimps and trafficking and drugs. and we will NEVER SEE HER AGAIN....Madison is not capable of making safety decision for herself. She acts without thinking. She is extremely impulsive and has no concept of consequence.
When she tried to run this week. The director said, well she is 18 if she doesnt want to be here we can not make her stay. If she runs then that is her choice.
So this brings me to my issue. my sewarch. my fears. my living terror that keeps me awake at night....
At what point do we as parents draw the line? If I knew she was capable of rational thought and able to care for herself but happened to be a rebellious teen it would be different for me. As hard as it would be I believe I would be able to say OK. Here is the line. If you walk or run and do not complete your program then you will have to learn the hard way. done. STILL LOVE YOU but the line is here and it is here BECAUSE I love you!!!
BUT this is Madison....she is not like other 18 year old kids.
So where is the line? how do I find her the help she needs to be as happy and healthy and complete as possible?
I can't find the line...I cant find the help....
I can pray and do...daily.
so please pray I can see the line before it is too late and I lose my beautiful daughter.
love
angela
No comments:
Post a Comment