Grace
This seems to be a theme for me as of late. I read about it everywhere I turn. I find myself counseling others to live it show it share it. I find myself drawn to its mystery and not quite knowing how and why it reappears on a daily basis.
My mind wanders to far off places. Places from my past that lay covered in dust begging to be left alone. I mean seriously the past is far off for a reason, right?
Why then, are there reminders of everywhere I look.
I need to find a way to not only show grace give grace but also to extend grace unto myself.
Choke. gasp. sputter. WHAT?
So many moments in this life I feel totally completely unworthy of such things as grace. Grace is intended for others surely not me.
As I have entertained this inner dialogue regarding grace over the last couple weeks I have landed on this truth. I do deserve Grace. I am not any good at being selfish enough to take it for myself.
The Bible tells me that His grace is sufficient for me. Why is so hard?
Why am I able to see that Grace is God's gift t others but fail to see the same truth applied to myself?
Thursday, July 17, 2014
Wednesday, June 11, 2014
trust
Trust....I am not sure why but for some reason today before 830am I had seen heard or thought of this word in some form 6 times. I don't know about you, but that is enough to make me pay attention. So, as I have walked out my day with the kids and various things we have been doing I have been pondering this word. I began by looking up the definition in the dictionary here is what I found:
trust\
noun
1.
reliance on the integrity, strength, ability, surety, etc., of a person or thing; confidence.
2.
confident expectation of something; hope.
3.
confidence in the certainty of future payment for property or goods received; credit: to sell merchandise on trust.
4.
5.
the condition of one to whom something has been entrusted.
6.
the obligation or responsibility imposed on a person in whom confidence or authority is placed: a position of trust.
7.
charge, custody, or care: to leave valuables in someone's trust.
I deleted the rest of the definitions as they pertain to law and commerce and I am quite sure those are not fitting for today.
I guess when I think of the word trust, I think of it as an action not necessarily a noun. Like LOVE. and I'm sorry. to me all 3 of these require action. They require me to demonstrate through my attitude and my actions what I intend for others to see in me.
The more I sit here and think the more I feel like these 3 walk closely by each other. Maybe I feel this way because I am an action kind of girl. I tend to not believe words that are spoken. It usually takes actions to get my attention. Anyone can utter the words "trust me" "I love you" 'I'm sorry" then turn around and promptly go back to the behaviors or actions that made me hesitant to believe in the first place. But if someone takes the time to SHOW me they love me or wish to gain my trust or accept an apology I guarantee they would have my full attention.
So then, I dug a little deeper as a friend of mine always encourages me to do....and what I find is that maybe its not at all about personal relationships and issues for me. Maybe it goes way deeper than that. I can give my testimony. I can speak the words. I can proclaim the name of Jesus from the roof tops and sing His praises al day long. But I am so very guilty of not putting action behind my trust in HIM. that is exactly what this all boils down to. He is tugging at my heart reminding me that I can trust in Him always in everything. But I always hold back, never fully releasing my strong hold on my trust. Never fully giving over to Him to handle me, my life, my situations.
Thank you Lord, for sending me 6 reminders before 830 am thank you for nudging me to admit I need to work on this. Have patience with me as I gather the courage to let go and let you handle all things. ALL THINGS.
Help me grow the ability to place my trust in YOU and turn my words into actions moment by moment, because, honestly Lord right now I am living life by the moment. That's about all I can do today.
Thursday, April 10, 2014
The darkness began to roll in sometime late Saturday night, I was able to fend it off until sometime Sunday mid morning. When I was consumed, eaten alive by it. funny thing about this darkness is that it disguised itself as illness. I truly felt I was getting sick. I ached clear through to my bones and was tired not just averagely tired I was so tired that I could feel the weight of the exhaustion weighing down my entire body and tugging at my eyelids begging them to close and shut out the entire world. I put up a good fight. but continued to feel the pulling and pushing of darkness. By bed time Sunday I was absolutely convinced I was sick and thought through in my mind how I would fit a doctors visit into my Monday morning routine.
Below zero temperatures and the need to keep the baby safe and warm trumped my need to visit the clinic. I trudged through my morning. As I listened to my children moving about the house getting ready for school I stared blankly out the window. My mind meandering around thoughts completely unrelated one to the other. I pushed back the thoughts of warm blankets and bed and made the choice to just 'do this day'.
As I moved on through the day it became more and more clear to me that I was not suffering from a physical illness I was suffering through grief and the loss I felt so deeply within. I was dancing with depression. Funny how deep sorrow, loss and grief can mimic physical illness playing tricks on the mind.
I began writing this draft a month ago. I have allowed myself to slowly walk through the hallways of sadness and find ways to soothe my pain. I am feeling a lot better today. There are still big moments when the heaviness returns and I find myself fighting through the emotion of the situation to find my way back to the reality of it. The reality is I love this child and I want the very best this world has to offer to her. I simply do not know how to find that for her anymore. I am slowly arriving at the understanding that its alright not to know.
I continue to wage this war within myself, fighting off the feelings of hypocrisy. I am called to help families in these exact situations, I encourage them to stick to it never give up love no matter what. The idea that is forming within my heart is that I can stick to it, I can never give up, I can love no matter what. Its not going to look the same it may never look the same again, that doesn't change my heart, my love, my commitment. At the same time, it changes everything. Finding peace within all of this is tricky.
As always, I am a work in progress.....pray for me.
Below zero temperatures and the need to keep the baby safe and warm trumped my need to visit the clinic. I trudged through my morning. As I listened to my children moving about the house getting ready for school I stared blankly out the window. My mind meandering around thoughts completely unrelated one to the other. I pushed back the thoughts of warm blankets and bed and made the choice to just 'do this day'.
As I moved on through the day it became more and more clear to me that I was not suffering from a physical illness I was suffering through grief and the loss I felt so deeply within. I was dancing with depression. Funny how deep sorrow, loss and grief can mimic physical illness playing tricks on the mind.
I began writing this draft a month ago. I have allowed myself to slowly walk through the hallways of sadness and find ways to soothe my pain. I am feeling a lot better today. There are still big moments when the heaviness returns and I find myself fighting through the emotion of the situation to find my way back to the reality of it. The reality is I love this child and I want the very best this world has to offer to her. I simply do not know how to find that for her anymore. I am slowly arriving at the understanding that its alright not to know.
I continue to wage this war within myself, fighting off the feelings of hypocrisy. I am called to help families in these exact situations, I encourage them to stick to it never give up love no matter what. The idea that is forming within my heart is that I can stick to it, I can never give up, I can love no matter what. Its not going to look the same it may never look the same again, that doesn't change my heart, my love, my commitment. At the same time, it changes everything. Finding peace within all of this is tricky.
As always, I am a work in progress.....pray for me.
Saturday, March 1, 2014
when hope walked out
It was a cold windy morning. The drive was long and awkward. Maybe more so for myself than for the others in the vehicle. I felt sadness hopelessness and dread well up inside of me with every mile past the feelings of dread grew. I struggled to contain my emotions and tears I struggled to keep my voice steady when I spoke. My mind was a whirlwind of thoughts. Flashing through my mind as quickly as the scenery flew by as we drove down the highway. I review all the conversations all the meetings phone calls emails searching for peace searching for comfort searching for confirmations that THIS was in fact the right thing to do.
NONE came. Peace eludes me comfort flees and I am left sitting in the vehicle with a heavy heart weighted by the knowledge that this is wrong.
there is nothing right good true with this journey.
I look into the future a day a week a month a year and so on.....and what I see places weight on my heart that is impossible to bare. The enormity of it al closes in on me and restricts my ability to breath. It takes all of my energy to focus and take each breath and disguise my dread.
For the first time in my life. EVER I feel totally completely helpless and HOPEless....I have never experienced a situation where I could not feel hope where I could not feel the presence of God and something good. Today was different. I felt such a heaviness such a deep rooted sorrow I can not give justice to through words.
I am angry at myself for waving the flag of surrender. I question my every move in this situation. I wonder what if and why. All of these things are completely against my nature. The person I see reflected back at me in the mirror is not the person I know. She is a stranger to me today. and these feelings inside are just as foreign. I want to jump up ad run. run fast into the wind letting its strength sweep me up and carry me with her as she blows her fury down the highway. But I cant move. I cant will my feet to move.
We finally arrive at our destination and I somehow find the ability to move through the moments and sound even look as if I am functioning at a normal level. When in reality I feel as if I am floating in some horrible dream that wont release me to morning.
We were there such a short amount of time and my brain was numb. the numbness trickled down into my heart as I gazed into her eyes searching for hope. searching for SOMETHING I could grab ahold of and hold tightly to as we continue on this journey. Nothing. She is gone, I searched desperately in her eyes for SOMETHING.
As we turned to go I looked back one more time and realized today is the day Hope walked out on me.
I can not describe the feeling of loss and emptiness that rushed in and filled my heart.
Pray for me.
I went from this straight into attending kids church winter camp. I loved spending time with the children even though all I really wanted to do was hide in my bed and cry. Pastor Kevin spoke to the children that night about turning our hurts into Hope and I found myself wishing my girl had heard this message. How do I reach her heart? How do I change this into a hopeFILLED situation rather than the hopelessness I feel I am drowning in.....I need prayer.
Tuesday, January 28, 2014
stretching and growing
God has been stretching me. BEYOND my own boundaries. Stretching and growing can be painful and confusing, and it can also be pure joy. When I think of the recent life lessons He has taught me I think of the song give me your eyes by Brandon Heath ( I have posted the video)
I have prayed this prayer many times over the past year and continue to be amazed at the opportunities the Lord chooses to lay before me where I can choose to see with HIS eyes and not my own. I have loved deeper, been moved to tears, felt pain indescribable and trusted HIM with all that I am and all that I have. It is a humbling experience to allow yourself to become vulnerable to HIM and HIS plan.
I am not perfect at this obedience thing and I am not always quick to see through His eyes. I am a work in progress. And I have learned so much about myself along the way. I am excited to share some of this journey here. I would be honored if you would stop back by and check in soon.
I have prayed this prayer many times over the past year and continue to be amazed at the opportunities the Lord chooses to lay before me where I can choose to see with HIS eyes and not my own. I have loved deeper, been moved to tears, felt pain indescribable and trusted HIM with all that I am and all that I have. It is a humbling experience to allow yourself to become vulnerable to HIM and HIS plan.
I am not perfect at this obedience thing and I am not always quick to see through His eyes. I am a work in progress. And I have learned so much about myself along the way. I am excited to share some of this journey here. I would be honored if you would stop back by and check in soon.
Sunday, January 5, 2014
a Christmas miracle
As 2013 came to a close my heart was heavy with the knowledge that Burrito and Spuds were about to have a birth sibling soon. I had no way of knowing for sure when, but had an idea. I predicted the due date would be Christmas Eve. On December 22 I was alerted that a baby boy had been born and was in the hospital preparing for discharge. Fear filled me as I prayed that this innocent child would be protected by someone. Anyone.
All I could do was pray through the next several hours.
Monday morning December 23 as I drove in to work I received a call from a worker who explained the circumstance of this baby's birth and current situation. The question came "are you willing to take this baby so he can be with his biological brothers?" and for the second time in 13 years of doing this foster/adopt thing I broke the ONE rule. never say yes with out first discussing it with Scott. I said yes. Of course. We agreed that as details came from the hospital to the worker we would make a plan.
Later that same afternoon I received another call asking f I could meet at the hospital at 430. Our Christmas miracle was ready for discharge and My prayers had been answered.
The medical staff was kind and compassionate. I could tell they had all fallen in love with him during his brief stay. I shared photos of the boys so they could see how very different all 3 of them are. We went through the education, business, paperwork and finally were on our way.
He is a tiny little peanut I lovingly call Mr. Jingles since he arrived in our home just hours before Christmas Eve.
We will walk out this journey believing God has a purpose and a plan.
All I could do was pray through the next several hours.
Monday morning December 23 as I drove in to work I received a call from a worker who explained the circumstance of this baby's birth and current situation. The question came "are you willing to take this baby so he can be with his biological brothers?" and for the second time in 13 years of doing this foster/adopt thing I broke the ONE rule. never say yes with out first discussing it with Scott. I said yes. Of course. We agreed that as details came from the hospital to the worker we would make a plan.
Later that same afternoon I received another call asking f I could meet at the hospital at 430. Our Christmas miracle was ready for discharge and My prayers had been answered.
The medical staff was kind and compassionate. I could tell they had all fallen in love with him during his brief stay. I shared photos of the boys so they could see how very different all 3 of them are. We went through the education, business, paperwork and finally were on our way.
He is a tiny little peanut I lovingly call Mr. Jingles since he arrived in our home just hours before Christmas Eve.
We will walk out this journey believing God has a purpose and a plan.
a letter to my girls
Dear Daughter (s)
Madison you have taught me so many lessons along the way. How to be a better parent, more patient, more understanding, and how to be a fierce advocate for your child. You have taught me that parenting does not end when a child walks away and shuts you out, parenting does not stop when a child arrives at 18 or 21 and declares they are an adult. Parenting is a lifelong journey with beautiful highs and dark lows. I believe because of our journey together I am a better mother to the other children. I was not a girly girl growing up I was raised with a slew of boys at home in the extended family and in my neighborhood. I never understood girly girls until I met you. Because of your love of all things shiny spiny and bright I feel joy well up in me when I see those things too.
My Amaris. If I ever thought Madison was girly-- boy how wrong I was! You are the shiniest girl I have ever met. Your freckled face makes me smile and your giggle is contagious. I am so proud of all you have overcome and the strength you gain each new year. You challenge me in ways that are wonderfully frustrating. I love you.
Sassy Pants. Although you have been in this crazy world 12 years already you have only been in my world for a very short time. I will never forget the moment I met you and knew with every fiber of my being that God intended for you to be my daughter. I wish I had the ability to go back in time and erase bad things and re-create time and events. I would take all the scary bad things away and replace them with joy happiness and unconditional love. When I look into your eyes I see darkness that is steeped deeply in sadness. Every once in a while you allow me a glimpse of the joyful place that lives somewhere with in your heart. No matter what happens from here my prayer is that you will always know the love a true mother can give and that no matter where life takes you, you will always know home is here. where you will always be loved no matter what.
There are so many important things I want for you girls to know.
Always know that you shine. SHINE form the inside out. Your beauty is deeply rooted within you. You are special. unique, like no other. This is an important lesson I did not learn until I was well into my adult years. God made each of you exactly as you are to fulfill a special purpose He has waiting for you. Listen to Him always. He has an amazing life planned for you.
Another thing I never knew is that sometimes hard things happen. God never promised us that hard things would not come our way. BUT He did promise to never ever leave us. Look to Him always. He will guide your every step as long as you keep your heart and eyes fixed on Him.
This one is HUGE. Never ever let a boy define who you are. GOD alone defines you. If a boy tried to change you then he is not the ONE God has waiting for you. and He does. God has the perfect boy picked out just for you. Be patient. willingly wait. Never ever settle for anyone less. You will know when you meet the right boy. he will love God more than life. He will place you and your best in a high place. He will protect you. He will honor you and your purity. He will wait for you because he will know that God chose you just for him.
Be kind. Your tongue has mighty power. In your tongue you have the power to love. heal. encourage. build up. You also have the power to hurt. tear down and destroy. Give thought to the words you think and say. once they become thoughts they soon will be spoken, if they do not honor and give life then destroy them before they are spoken.
Be each others friend. Family is important. None of you have had the blessing of having extended family surrounding your growing years. Create that for your children. Family is a blessing that God gifted to each of you. Never let silly things tear down your relationships with your siblings love each other, love each others spouses and children. Grow your families close. Life can be hard at times you will need each other.
Although none of you sweet girls grew in my tummy you all where born of my heart. each one a very special gift to me from God. I have tried my best to be a good momma to each of you. I have made mistakes. be forgiving of me and of yourselves when times arise that you make a mistake and need forgiving. forgiveness is necessary in order to grow and love. Learn to be forgiving. and know always that no matter what, I Love You.
Love,
Mom
Madison you have taught me so many lessons along the way. How to be a better parent, more patient, more understanding, and how to be a fierce advocate for your child. You have taught me that parenting does not end when a child walks away and shuts you out, parenting does not stop when a child arrives at 18 or 21 and declares they are an adult. Parenting is a lifelong journey with beautiful highs and dark lows. I believe because of our journey together I am a better mother to the other children. I was not a girly girl growing up I was raised with a slew of boys at home in the extended family and in my neighborhood. I never understood girly girls until I met you. Because of your love of all things shiny spiny and bright I feel joy well up in me when I see those things too.
My Amaris. If I ever thought Madison was girly-- boy how wrong I was! You are the shiniest girl I have ever met. Your freckled face makes me smile and your giggle is contagious. I am so proud of all you have overcome and the strength you gain each new year. You challenge me in ways that are wonderfully frustrating. I love you.
Sassy Pants. Although you have been in this crazy world 12 years already you have only been in my world for a very short time. I will never forget the moment I met you and knew with every fiber of my being that God intended for you to be my daughter. I wish I had the ability to go back in time and erase bad things and re-create time and events. I would take all the scary bad things away and replace them with joy happiness and unconditional love. When I look into your eyes I see darkness that is steeped deeply in sadness. Every once in a while you allow me a glimpse of the joyful place that lives somewhere with in your heart. No matter what happens from here my prayer is that you will always know the love a true mother can give and that no matter where life takes you, you will always know home is here. where you will always be loved no matter what.
There are so many important things I want for you girls to know.
Always know that you shine. SHINE form the inside out. Your beauty is deeply rooted within you. You are special. unique, like no other. This is an important lesson I did not learn until I was well into my adult years. God made each of you exactly as you are to fulfill a special purpose He has waiting for you. Listen to Him always. He has an amazing life planned for you.
Another thing I never knew is that sometimes hard things happen. God never promised us that hard things would not come our way. BUT He did promise to never ever leave us. Look to Him always. He will guide your every step as long as you keep your heart and eyes fixed on Him.
This one is HUGE. Never ever let a boy define who you are. GOD alone defines you. If a boy tried to change you then he is not the ONE God has waiting for you. and He does. God has the perfect boy picked out just for you. Be patient. willingly wait. Never ever settle for anyone less. You will know when you meet the right boy. he will love God more than life. He will place you and your best in a high place. He will protect you. He will honor you and your purity. He will wait for you because he will know that God chose you just for him.
Be kind. Your tongue has mighty power. In your tongue you have the power to love. heal. encourage. build up. You also have the power to hurt. tear down and destroy. Give thought to the words you think and say. once they become thoughts they soon will be spoken, if they do not honor and give life then destroy them before they are spoken.
Be each others friend. Family is important. None of you have had the blessing of having extended family surrounding your growing years. Create that for your children. Family is a blessing that God gifted to each of you. Never let silly things tear down your relationships with your siblings love each other, love each others spouses and children. Grow your families close. Life can be hard at times you will need each other.
Although none of you sweet girls grew in my tummy you all where born of my heart. each one a very special gift to me from God. I have tried my best to be a good momma to each of you. I have made mistakes. be forgiving of me and of yourselves when times arise that you make a mistake and need forgiving. forgiveness is necessary in order to grow and love. Learn to be forgiving. and know always that no matter what, I Love You.
Love,
Mom
cant publish pix of sassy yet.
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