It does not matter who you reach or how many you reach. It only matters THAT you are reaching....
I read something today that provoked this thought. I liked it.
Wednesday, April 29, 2009
Tuesday, April 28, 2009
baseball, a shower, fevers and strep
I seem to have been swallowed by the busyness of life.
Last week was a blur of shopping trips with Aunt Cindi preparing for Joy's bridal shower. Friday I went shopping with Aunt Cindi and joy for wedding stuff, we had so much fun! It was nice to get out of the house and LAUGH!!!
Saturday Elijah had 2 tournament baseball games, I had been praying all week for rain so he would not play. I hate missing his ball games! But when Aunt Cindi and I planned Joy's shower there were no ball games scheduled...well, my prayers were answered just not in the way I intended. It was cold and raining all day BUT Elijah played ball anyway! UGH! Poor boys out there nearly froze their hands off.
Last week I took Lij to the eye doctor and found out that he needed glasses. Wonder how I missed that one??? The doctor put the eye chart up and said 'read me the smallest line you can see.' Lij's response....'yeah, well about that....um, I can't read any of it...' WOW! So $175 later we were on our way. Saturday after his tournaments Scott took him to get his glasses. He looks very handsome in them and keeps saying how much clearer things look and everything is bright too! funny boy!
Joy's shower went well. I baked sugar cookies. Aunt Cindi and Heidi made salads and we halved the cost of Jimmy Johns sandwiches. Joy had a nice time. That is all that matters!
Sunday after church Lij took a nap. When he woke up he had a fever 103.8 GREAT! Clinic was closed for the day and we had to wait.
Monday morning I rescheduled the kids dentist appointments and took Lij into the doctor. Strep. Whew! not swine flu...Just kidding!
The miracle of good antibiotics! He woke this morning a new boy. Fever free and singing!! Off to school he went.
Looking at my calendar the month of May is not going to be any easier than April has been.
So much to do.
Next week I take Isaiah up to Minnesota for his testing and doctors visits. We will discuss having surgery this summer or waiting. As usual, I have many mixed emotions about this decision. Part of me wants to just get it done so we can move on and part of me never wants it to have to happen at all. God has brought him so far and I believe He will bring Isaiah all the way. What ever God decides I know He will provide for all of our needs as we take this journey...
That is about all I have to update for now...Thanks to everyone for their continued prayers for my family!
Last week was a blur of shopping trips with Aunt Cindi preparing for Joy's bridal shower. Friday I went shopping with Aunt Cindi and joy for wedding stuff, we had so much fun! It was nice to get out of the house and LAUGH!!!
Saturday Elijah had 2 tournament baseball games, I had been praying all week for rain so he would not play. I hate missing his ball games! But when Aunt Cindi and I planned Joy's shower there were no ball games scheduled...well, my prayers were answered just not in the way I intended. It was cold and raining all day BUT Elijah played ball anyway! UGH! Poor boys out there nearly froze their hands off.
Last week I took Lij to the eye doctor and found out that he needed glasses. Wonder how I missed that one??? The doctor put the eye chart up and said 'read me the smallest line you can see.' Lij's response....'yeah, well about that....um, I can't read any of it...' WOW! So $175 later we were on our way. Saturday after his tournaments Scott took him to get his glasses. He looks very handsome in them and keeps saying how much clearer things look and everything is bright too! funny boy!
Joy's shower went well. I baked sugar cookies. Aunt Cindi and Heidi made salads and we halved the cost of Jimmy Johns sandwiches. Joy had a nice time. That is all that matters!
Sunday after church Lij took a nap. When he woke up he had a fever 103.8 GREAT! Clinic was closed for the day and we had to wait.
Monday morning I rescheduled the kids dentist appointments and took Lij into the doctor. Strep. Whew! not swine flu...Just kidding!
The miracle of good antibiotics! He woke this morning a new boy. Fever free and singing!! Off to school he went.
Looking at my calendar the month of May is not going to be any easier than April has been.
So much to do.
Next week I take Isaiah up to Minnesota for his testing and doctors visits. We will discuss having surgery this summer or waiting. As usual, I have many mixed emotions about this decision. Part of me wants to just get it done so we can move on and part of me never wants it to have to happen at all. God has brought him so far and I believe He will bring Isaiah all the way. What ever God decides I know He will provide for all of our needs as we take this journey...
That is about all I have to update for now...Thanks to everyone for their continued prayers for my family!
Wednesday, April 22, 2009
One week ago today we left Madison in Illinois. Today's post is not going to be about her. Today's post is going to be about all the things that have gone on since we left her.
We arrived home Thursday afternoon around 3 and Elijah had a ball game at 530. It was a beautiful night for a game and the Burrito even enjoyed it!
Isaiah wrote a paper for foundations of faith class at church. I am so proud of him for what he chose to write. He is a quiet, keep to yourself, kind of boy and he stepped way out of his comfort zone on this paper. I hope Mrs. Dee likes it too.
Amaris and Sam have both been having a difficult time this past week. I am not sure if they have always had a difficult time and we were just too wrapped up in Madison that we missed it or if they are responding in their own way to her absence or a combination of both.
Sam's kindergarten class at school has baby chicks and ducklings hatching this week each day we have a new number. Sam is very excited about this addition to the class.
Dominique had a flat tired on his way to school one day and ended up needing all new tires and an alignment on his car. OUCH!! He did a fine job finding a good tire place and setting up his own appointment.
We had Sunday lunch at Uncle Gene's lodge, food was yummy and it was really nice to chat with Uncle Gene.
Took Elijah to the eye doctor last night after school and it turns out the boy needs glasses so I ordered the ones he picked and they should arrive in about a week.
The Burrito and I went shopping yesterday with Aunt Cindi for Joy's bridal shower this Saturday. We had tons of fun and the Burrito remembered and LOVES Aunt Cindi!! We also discovered that he LOVES Buffalo sauce from Burger King. Crazy Boy!
I had CASA meetings this week and court next week.
We are preparing to take Isaiah up to Minnesota for his check ups. Always a stressful time as we never know if this visit will be the one when they schedule his next round of surgeries.
My brother is getting married May 31. Elijah, Isaiah and I are driving with my brother Philip out to Philadelphia to the wedding. We will leave directly following 6th grade graduation on the 28th. They are both very excited because Dominique will drive up from Baltimore to the wedding too! YAY!!
In between all this craziness we have had ball games and practices and life really does continue onward even if you don't feel like going for the ride!
We arrived home Thursday afternoon around 3 and Elijah had a ball game at 530. It was a beautiful night for a game and the Burrito even enjoyed it!
Isaiah wrote a paper for foundations of faith class at church. I am so proud of him for what he chose to write. He is a quiet, keep to yourself, kind of boy and he stepped way out of his comfort zone on this paper. I hope Mrs. Dee likes it too.
Amaris and Sam have both been having a difficult time this past week. I am not sure if they have always had a difficult time and we were just too wrapped up in Madison that we missed it or if they are responding in their own way to her absence or a combination of both.
Sam's kindergarten class at school has baby chicks and ducklings hatching this week each day we have a new number. Sam is very excited about this addition to the class.
Dominique had a flat tired on his way to school one day and ended up needing all new tires and an alignment on his car. OUCH!! He did a fine job finding a good tire place and setting up his own appointment.
We had Sunday lunch at Uncle Gene's lodge, food was yummy and it was really nice to chat with Uncle Gene.
Took Elijah to the eye doctor last night after school and it turns out the boy needs glasses so I ordered the ones he picked and they should arrive in about a week.
The Burrito and I went shopping yesterday with Aunt Cindi for Joy's bridal shower this Saturday. We had tons of fun and the Burrito remembered and LOVES Aunt Cindi!! We also discovered that he LOVES Buffalo sauce from Burger King. Crazy Boy!
I had CASA meetings this week and court next week.
We are preparing to take Isaiah up to Minnesota for his check ups. Always a stressful time as we never know if this visit will be the one when they schedule his next round of surgeries.
My brother is getting married May 31. Elijah, Isaiah and I are driving with my brother Philip out to Philadelphia to the wedding. We will leave directly following 6th grade graduation on the 28th. They are both very excited because Dominique will drive up from Baltimore to the wedding too! YAY!!
In between all this craziness we have had ball games and practices and life really does continue onward even if you don't feel like going for the ride!
Saturday, April 18, 2009
walking by faith...
WOW! These past few weeks have required much faith. I may not understand in my mind or even within the walls of my heart the events that have unfolded. But I do know that walking in faith allowing myself to be guided by the God who created me has brought a sense of peace to my soul. A peace that could only come from Him.
I am still sad. Sad seems such a small word to describe the pain in my heart. I never thought it was possible to be at peace and still feel the pain of a broken heart at the same time. But. I have learned. It is.
Wednesday Aunt Cindi arrived bright and early to stay with the kiddos while we drove to Decatur. The picture out the rear window of the van as we drove down the road was enough to break the last entact piece of my heart into pieces. Elijah stood at the very end of the driveway. Watching. Moving one step at a time into the street so he wouldn't lose sight of the van until we turned off the street to begin our long journey. He was so sad. In that moment Madison realized the pain she had caused was real. And she was sad. She cried all the way to Newton. Then she slept. And silence filled the van for many miles we rode in silence. Sadness enveloping us and no one spoke.
Madison woke shortly after we crossed the Iowa Illinois border and in that moment she realized we were actually going through with this, we were really taking her and there were no more chances. and um...well.....it was not fun for a few miles.
We arrived in Decatur at almost exactly 3:00 which is when we were scheduled to arrive.
Walking up the steps to the front doors carrying all she was allowed to take with her for her 13 month stay was the most awful feeling I have ever experienced in my life. Thoughts raced through my mind. Memories flashed just like in a movie. Fear. Sadness. Second thoughts. Hope. and I finally had one of the moments I have hoped for. It wasn't exactly how I had imagined it would be. I didn't hear God speak to me. It was more of a peaceful warm feeling that filled my heart. And in that second I knew we had brought Madison where God planned for her to be. I knew this was the place where God was going to begin His transformation. And as incredibly sad as I was and still am I felt God's presence with me. As if He were walking with me through the halls of Audry's House.
We were met by Ashley at the door. A very pleasant, understanding, kind, young lady. The intake process took less than 45 minutes. Can you even imagine? We put enough change in the parking meter for 5 hours. Who knew?? Ashley took us in the conference room where she asked and answered questions. We signed papers. Met a wonderful woman named Cookie. Then Ashley took us on a tour of the House. An old YMCA building that has been converted into Audry's Home for Girls. Amazing. There are 9 girls at Audry's House. The program is STRICT, structured and has a 97% success rate. Hope was born Wednesday afternoon in the lobby of the house.
After the tour we were told we had to say our goodbyes....how do you in 5 minutes look into the beautiful freckled face of your daughter and make her understand that you are leaving her now BECAUSE you love her. I held her. As we swayed back and forth I whispered over her ear and prayed. Prayed she heard the words and understood my broken heart. I love you. I believe in you. You can do this. Now is your time. A new beginning all the past is gone and today is the first day. I pray those words settled somewhere deep within her heart and one day she will understand.
Watching her Daddy say his goodbyes was more than I could bare to take in....there simply are no words.
We stayed in a hotel and nearly drove straight back to her. The night was long. Filled with second thoughts and grief so unbelievable you could hold it in your hand.
The drive home was long. and quiet. what else is there to say?
I am ever so grateful for all the love. support. prayers. and kind words during this time.
Please understand that although I know with everything that is in me that this was the right thing to do. AND I have peace in my heart. I still have moments and even days when it is difficult to even breathe much less function.
We are home and life has to pick up where we left it on Wednesday morning when we drove out of the driveway. Ball games must be played, school activities, church, FPNO, weddings, showers, soon summer will be upon us and we must walk through each day in faith believing....this is all a part of His great plan!!
I am still sad. Sad seems such a small word to describe the pain in my heart. I never thought it was possible to be at peace and still feel the pain of a broken heart at the same time. But. I have learned. It is.
Wednesday Aunt Cindi arrived bright and early to stay with the kiddos while we drove to Decatur. The picture out the rear window of the van as we drove down the road was enough to break the last entact piece of my heart into pieces. Elijah stood at the very end of the driveway. Watching. Moving one step at a time into the street so he wouldn't lose sight of the van until we turned off the street to begin our long journey. He was so sad. In that moment Madison realized the pain she had caused was real. And she was sad. She cried all the way to Newton. Then she slept. And silence filled the van for many miles we rode in silence. Sadness enveloping us and no one spoke.
Madison woke shortly after we crossed the Iowa Illinois border and in that moment she realized we were actually going through with this, we were really taking her and there were no more chances. and um...well.....it was not fun for a few miles.
We arrived in Decatur at almost exactly 3:00 which is when we were scheduled to arrive.
Walking up the steps to the front doors carrying all she was allowed to take with her for her 13 month stay was the most awful feeling I have ever experienced in my life. Thoughts raced through my mind. Memories flashed just like in a movie. Fear. Sadness. Second thoughts. Hope. and I finally had one of the moments I have hoped for. It wasn't exactly how I had imagined it would be. I didn't hear God speak to me. It was more of a peaceful warm feeling that filled my heart. And in that second I knew we had brought Madison where God planned for her to be. I knew this was the place where God was going to begin His transformation. And as incredibly sad as I was and still am I felt God's presence with me. As if He were walking with me through the halls of Audry's House.
We were met by Ashley at the door. A very pleasant, understanding, kind, young lady. The intake process took less than 45 minutes. Can you even imagine? We put enough change in the parking meter for 5 hours. Who knew?? Ashley took us in the conference room where she asked and answered questions. We signed papers. Met a wonderful woman named Cookie. Then Ashley took us on a tour of the House. An old YMCA building that has been converted into Audry's Home for Girls. Amazing. There are 9 girls at Audry's House. The program is STRICT, structured and has a 97% success rate. Hope was born Wednesday afternoon in the lobby of the house.
After the tour we were told we had to say our goodbyes....how do you in 5 minutes look into the beautiful freckled face of your daughter and make her understand that you are leaving her now BECAUSE you love her. I held her. As we swayed back and forth I whispered over her ear and prayed. Prayed she heard the words and understood my broken heart. I love you. I believe in you. You can do this. Now is your time. A new beginning all the past is gone and today is the first day. I pray those words settled somewhere deep within her heart and one day she will understand.
Watching her Daddy say his goodbyes was more than I could bare to take in....there simply are no words.
We stayed in a hotel and nearly drove straight back to her. The night was long. Filled with second thoughts and grief so unbelievable you could hold it in your hand.
The drive home was long. and quiet. what else is there to say?
I am ever so grateful for all the love. support. prayers. and kind words during this time.
Please understand that although I know with everything that is in me that this was the right thing to do. AND I have peace in my heart. I still have moments and even days when it is difficult to even breathe much less function.
We are home and life has to pick up where we left it on Wednesday morning when we drove out of the driveway. Ball games must be played, school activities, church, FPNO, weddings, showers, soon summer will be upon us and we must walk through each day in faith believing....this is all a part of His great plan!!
Monday, April 13, 2009
Friday, April 10, 2009
a mothers shattered heart...
I have thought and thought about what to say here today. I am still not all together sure of what my words should be. But I do know that I must be true to myself and the words previously written. I have spoken of transparency and truth. As painful as this entry will be for me to write I do believe that maybe, just maybe there is another parent out there in the blog world who lives the same pain as I. Maybe my willingness to bare my heart and its shattered condition will be encouraging to someone else.
Our story is a long one and I will not trace the time line back to the beginning. Madison has had a long hard journey so far. Some of the difficulty is due to genetics. Plain and simple no matter what she can not do anything about how she was created and neither can I. Some of the difficulty is that no matter how hard we try to help the bottom line is Madison does not want to be helped. Right now she wants what she wants when she wants it and in her world adults are only a problem she tries to avoid.
The place I have chosen to begin is about a month ago. Madison began to make some decisions that we felt were destructive to herself and to her well being. Along the way she has had help from others in making the decisions but at the end of the day I hold her responsible for her choices as she does know full well they were poor choices. One of the problems I have in all of this is her lack of remorse. She is seriously not sorry at all about the pain and grief she is bringing to those around her. She is only ticked off that she has been caught and we have had to 'shrink her boarders' in order to keep her safe.
For those of you who have heard rumors. No Madison is not nor has she been pregnant. I realize she is the one who started the rumor. We have taken her to the doctor to make sure.
Last week things escalated out of our control and Madison spent several days in the hospital on suicide watch. You may be reading this and asking yourself why in the world would she tell this???? Believe me. I am asking myself that very question. Please understand. As a mom I need to know I am not the only Mom carrying this kind of heart ache. No one else is speaking of their pain so I must assume either I am truly alone...OR...there are others carrying this burden but they are afraid to speak of it because of what others may think. I am taking that chance and telling our story.
Madison began cutting herself about a year ago in response to a horrible act of violence that she lived through but has been unable to rise above. To make matters worse the person who committed these acts to her has had no consequences. A tough thing for all of us to understand but most especially Madison. You combine this with the Bipolar and you have a young lady who has lost her will to fight and to live. Last week we found she had hurt herself with intentions of ending her life. We made the difficult decision to have her hospitalized in order to keep her safe. Hoping that this might be a small stepping stone towards healing. This has not been the case.
Madison continues to struggle daily with feelings and urges to hurt herself. We are doing everything we can to keep her safe but have been forced to admit and come to terms with the fact that we can not keep her safe nor can we provide for her the help she needs to recieve healing.
We have spent the week consulting with our pastor and her doctors and we have made the most difficult decision ever. With the help of Pastor Paul we found an amazing program in Illinois that specializes in helping teen age girls how struggle with self destructive behaviors. Madison has been accepted and all the professionals involved believe this is the best option for right now. All we want is for her to be able to heal and become healthy. We are taking her to Illinois next week. The program is 13-18 months depending on her choices and compliance.
I must be honest here. I have shared these feelings with just a couple of my dearest friends and they have tried to tell me I am wrong. I don't know how to make you understand unless you have traveled the road my feet travel. I dont think it is possible for you to understand.
I carry in my heart a great amount of grief. I believe in my heart I have failed Madison. For what ever reason God chose me to be her mother. He trusted me to help her grow into a happy, healthy, whole young lady. I have not done my job. I will have to stand before God one day and explain to Him why I could not help her. Why I had to pass her on to complete strangers to do what a mother is supposed to do. The problem is right now....I do not have the answers.
I am a mother, an advocate, I have many hours of training in foster care, I am liscensed to take treatment level kids out of the system, I am a CASA, I study and yet.....I can not save my own daughter.
I have dreamed of shopping for Prom dresses, meeting her first boyfriend, embarrassing her in front of her girlfriends, taking her to get her hair and nails done, senior pictures, graduation, graduation party. I have to give all these dreams up because I failed her. What breaks my heart even more is knowing that SHE has had to give up her dreams as well.
I know she has had choices to make along the way. They have not been great choices. But still at the end of the day....I am her mother and should of been able to make a difference.
Please, if you are having a difficult time with your child know....KNOW that you are not a lone. There is at least one other mother out here who knows your heart because it is shattered in the same places as yours...
I will close this entry with another thought....how in the world do you as a parent cheer applaud and show how very proud you are of one child when another is struggling to make it through one hour at a time.....I feel deep rooted guilt when I speak of how very proud I am of my other children. When she is struggling so....
I pray that this journey will someday make sense and be a light and support to another hurting mom....until then I struggle to understand my failure.
Our story is a long one and I will not trace the time line back to the beginning. Madison has had a long hard journey so far. Some of the difficulty is due to genetics. Plain and simple no matter what she can not do anything about how she was created and neither can I. Some of the difficulty is that no matter how hard we try to help the bottom line is Madison does not want to be helped. Right now she wants what she wants when she wants it and in her world adults are only a problem she tries to avoid.
The place I have chosen to begin is about a month ago. Madison began to make some decisions that we felt were destructive to herself and to her well being. Along the way she has had help from others in making the decisions but at the end of the day I hold her responsible for her choices as she does know full well they were poor choices. One of the problems I have in all of this is her lack of remorse. She is seriously not sorry at all about the pain and grief she is bringing to those around her. She is only ticked off that she has been caught and we have had to 'shrink her boarders' in order to keep her safe.
For those of you who have heard rumors. No Madison is not nor has she been pregnant. I realize she is the one who started the rumor. We have taken her to the doctor to make sure.
Last week things escalated out of our control and Madison spent several days in the hospital on suicide watch. You may be reading this and asking yourself why in the world would she tell this???? Believe me. I am asking myself that very question. Please understand. As a mom I need to know I am not the only Mom carrying this kind of heart ache. No one else is speaking of their pain so I must assume either I am truly alone...OR...there are others carrying this burden but they are afraid to speak of it because of what others may think. I am taking that chance and telling our story.
Madison began cutting herself about a year ago in response to a horrible act of violence that she lived through but has been unable to rise above. To make matters worse the person who committed these acts to her has had no consequences. A tough thing for all of us to understand but most especially Madison. You combine this with the Bipolar and you have a young lady who has lost her will to fight and to live. Last week we found she had hurt herself with intentions of ending her life. We made the difficult decision to have her hospitalized in order to keep her safe. Hoping that this might be a small stepping stone towards healing. This has not been the case.
Madison continues to struggle daily with feelings and urges to hurt herself. We are doing everything we can to keep her safe but have been forced to admit and come to terms with the fact that we can not keep her safe nor can we provide for her the help she needs to recieve healing.
We have spent the week consulting with our pastor and her doctors and we have made the most difficult decision ever. With the help of Pastor Paul we found an amazing program in Illinois that specializes in helping teen age girls how struggle with self destructive behaviors. Madison has been accepted and all the professionals involved believe this is the best option for right now. All we want is for her to be able to heal and become healthy. We are taking her to Illinois next week. The program is 13-18 months depending on her choices and compliance.
I must be honest here. I have shared these feelings with just a couple of my dearest friends and they have tried to tell me I am wrong. I don't know how to make you understand unless you have traveled the road my feet travel. I dont think it is possible for you to understand.
I carry in my heart a great amount of grief. I believe in my heart I have failed Madison. For what ever reason God chose me to be her mother. He trusted me to help her grow into a happy, healthy, whole young lady. I have not done my job. I will have to stand before God one day and explain to Him why I could not help her. Why I had to pass her on to complete strangers to do what a mother is supposed to do. The problem is right now....I do not have the answers.
I am a mother, an advocate, I have many hours of training in foster care, I am liscensed to take treatment level kids out of the system, I am a CASA, I study and yet.....I can not save my own daughter.
I have dreamed of shopping for Prom dresses, meeting her first boyfriend, embarrassing her in front of her girlfriends, taking her to get her hair and nails done, senior pictures, graduation, graduation party. I have to give all these dreams up because I failed her. What breaks my heart even more is knowing that SHE has had to give up her dreams as well.
I know she has had choices to make along the way. They have not been great choices. But still at the end of the day....I am her mother and should of been able to make a difference.
Please, if you are having a difficult time with your child know....KNOW that you are not a lone. There is at least one other mother out here who knows your heart because it is shattered in the same places as yours...
I will close this entry with another thought....how in the world do you as a parent cheer applaud and show how very proud you are of one child when another is struggling to make it through one hour at a time.....I feel deep rooted guilt when I speak of how very proud I am of my other children. When she is struggling so....
I pray that this journey will someday make sense and be a light and support to another hurting mom....until then I struggle to understand my failure.
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