walking by faith...

WOW! These past few weeks have required much faith. I may not understand in my mind or even within the walls of my heart the events that have unfolded. But I do know that walking in faith allowing myself to be guided by the God who created me has brought a sense of peace to my soul. A peace that could only come from Him.
I am still sad. Sad seems such a small word to describe the pain in my heart. I never thought it was possible to be at peace and still feel the pain of a broken heart at the same time. But. I have learned. It is.
Wednesday Aunt Cindi arrived bright and early to stay with the kiddos while we drove to Decatur. The picture out the rear window of the van as we drove down the road was enough to break the last entact piece of my heart into pieces. Elijah stood at the very end of the driveway. Watching. Moving one step at a time into the street so he wouldn't lose sight of the van until we turned off the street to begin our long journey. He was so sad. In that moment Madison realized the pain she had caused was real. And she was sad. She cried all the way to Newton. Then she slept. And silence filled the van for many miles we rode in silence. Sadness enveloping us and no one spoke.
Madison woke shortly after we crossed the Iowa Illinois border and in that moment she realized we were actually going through with this, we were really taking her and there were no more chances. and um...well.....it was not fun for a few miles.
We arrived in Decatur at almost exactly 3:00 which is when we were scheduled to arrive.
Walking up the steps to the front doors carrying all she was allowed to take with her for her 13 month stay was the most awful feeling I have ever experienced in my life. Thoughts raced through my mind. Memories flashed just like in a movie. Fear. Sadness. Second thoughts. Hope. and I finally had one of the moments I have hoped for. It wasn't exactly how I had imagined it would be. I didn't hear God speak to me. It was more of a peaceful warm feeling that filled my heart. And in that second I knew we had brought Madison where God planned for her to be. I knew this was the place where God was going to begin His transformation. And as incredibly sad as I was and still am I felt God's presence with me. As if He were walking with me through the halls of Audry's House.
We were met by Ashley at the door. A very pleasant, understanding, kind, young lady. The intake process took less than 45 minutes. Can you even imagine? We put enough change in the parking meter for 5 hours. Who knew?? Ashley took us in the conference room where she asked and answered questions. We signed papers. Met a wonderful woman named Cookie. Then Ashley took us on a tour of the House. An old YMCA building that has been converted into Audry's Home for Girls. Amazing. There are 9 girls at Audry's House. The program is STRICT, structured and has a 97% success rate. Hope was born Wednesday afternoon in the lobby of the house.
After the tour we were told we had to say our goodbyes....how do you in 5 minutes look into the beautiful freckled face of your daughter and make her understand that you are leaving her now BECAUSE you love her. I held her. As we swayed back and forth I whispered over her ear and prayed. Prayed she heard the words and understood my broken heart. I love you. I believe in you. You can do this. Now is your time. A new beginning all the past is gone and today is the first day. I pray those words settled somewhere deep within her heart and one day she will understand.
Watching her Daddy say his goodbyes was more than I could bare to take in....there simply are no words.
We stayed in a hotel and nearly drove straight back to her. The night was long. Filled with second thoughts and grief so unbelievable you could hold it in your hand.
The drive home was long. and quiet. what else is there to say?
I am ever so grateful for all the love. support. prayers. and kind words during this time.
Please understand that although I know with everything that is in me that this was the right thing to do. AND I have peace in my heart. I still have moments and even days when it is difficult to even breathe much less function.
We are home and life has to pick up where we left it on Wednesday morning when we drove out of the driveway. Ball games must be played, school activities, church, FPNO, weddings, showers, soon summer will be upon us and we must walk through each day in faith believing....this is all a part of His great plan!!