I have thought and thought about what to say here today. I am still not all together sure of what my words should be. But I do know that I must be true to myself and the words previously written. I have spoken of transparency and truth. As painful as this entry will be for me to write I do believe that maybe, just maybe there is another parent out there in the blog world who lives the same pain as I. Maybe my willingness to bare my heart and its shattered condition will be encouraging to someone else.
Our story is a long one and I will not trace the time line back to the beginning. Madison has had a long hard journey so far. Some of the difficulty is due to genetics. Plain and simple no matter what she can not do anything about how she was created and neither can I. Some of the difficulty is that no matter how hard we try to help the bottom line is Madison does not want to be helped. Right now she wants what she wants when she wants it and in her world adults are only a problem she tries to avoid.
The place I have chosen to begin is about a month ago. Madison began to make some decisions that we felt were destructive to herself and to her well being. Along the way she has had help from others in making the decisions but at the end of the day I hold her responsible for her choices as she does know full well they were poor choices. One of the problems I have in all of this is her lack of remorse. She is seriously not sorry at all about the pain and grief she is bringing to those around her. She is only ticked off that she has been caught and we have had to 'shrink her boarders' in order to keep her safe.
For those of you who have heard rumors. No Madison is not nor has she been pregnant. I realize she is the one who started the rumor. We have taken her to the doctor to make sure.
Last week things escalated out of our control and Madison spent several days in the hospital on suicide watch. You may be reading this and asking yourself why in the world would she tell this???? Believe me. I am asking myself that very question. Please understand. As a mom I need to know I am not the only Mom carrying this kind of heart ache. No one else is speaking of their pain so I must assume either I am truly alone...OR...there are others carrying this burden but they are afraid to speak of it because of what others may think. I am taking that chance and telling our story.
Madison began cutting herself about a year ago in response to a horrible act of violence that she lived through but has been unable to rise above. To make matters worse the person who committed these acts to her has had no consequences. A tough thing for all of us to understand but most especially Madison. You combine this with the Bipolar and you have a young lady who has lost her will to fight and to live. Last week we found she had hurt herself with intentions of ending her life. We made the difficult decision to have her hospitalized in order to keep her safe. Hoping that this might be a small stepping stone towards healing. This has not been the case.
Madison continues to struggle daily with feelings and urges to hurt herself. We are doing everything we can to keep her safe but have been forced to admit and come to terms with the fact that we can not keep her safe nor can we provide for her the help she needs to recieve healing.
We have spent the week consulting with our pastor and her doctors and we have made the most difficult decision ever. With the help of Pastor Paul we found an amazing program in Illinois that specializes in helping teen age girls how struggle with self destructive behaviors. Madison has been accepted and all the professionals involved believe this is the best option for right now. All we want is for her to be able to heal and become healthy. We are taking her to Illinois next week. The program is 13-18 months depending on her choices and compliance.
I must be honest here. I have shared these feelings with just a couple of my dearest friends and they have tried to tell me I am wrong. I don't know how to make you understand unless you have traveled the road my feet travel. I dont think it is possible for you to understand.
I carry in my heart a great amount of grief. I believe in my heart I have failed Madison. For what ever reason God chose me to be her mother. He trusted me to help her grow into a happy, healthy, whole young lady. I have not done my job. I will have to stand before God one day and explain to Him why I could not help her. Why I had to pass her on to complete strangers to do what a mother is supposed to do. The problem is right now....I do not have the answers.
I am a mother, an advocate, I have many hours of training in foster care, I am liscensed to take treatment level kids out of the system, I am a CASA, I study and yet.....I can not save my own daughter.
I have dreamed of shopping for Prom dresses, meeting her first boyfriend, embarrassing her in front of her girlfriends, taking her to get her hair and nails done, senior pictures, graduation, graduation party. I have to give all these dreams up because I failed her. What breaks my heart even more is knowing that SHE has had to give up her dreams as well.
I know she has had choices to make along the way. They have not been great choices. But still at the end of the day....I am her mother and should of been able to make a difference.
Please, if you are having a difficult time with your child know....KNOW that you are not a lone. There is at least one other mother out here who knows your heart because it is shattered in the same places as yours...
I will close this entry with another thought....how in the world do you as a parent cheer applaud and show how very proud you are of one child when another is struggling to make it through one hour at a time.....I feel deep rooted guilt when I speak of how very proud I am of my other children. When she is struggling so....
I pray that this journey will someday make sense and be a light and support to another hurting mom....until then I struggle to understand my failure.
7 comments:
Angela, i just want to let you know that you have not failed her.. I am only the parent to a child in the womb, so i have basically no experience in knowing how you feel. But I do have experience in seeing CRAP parents. You have made a hard decision which sometimes, many times parents have to do. You are loving her.. I have seen so many parents when I worked at the hospital and now here in Mexico who do NOTHING!. Who do not care. You are the complete opposite. And one day Madison will realize this. And to your friends who have told you that it is wrong decision, they are wrong. You have prayed and looked to God and this is a door he has opened. Don't listen to them. Also, thank-you for being so honest. Every family has issues and if more people in the family of God where honest with what they were going through we would all be so much closer.. I love you lots and will be praying that God moves in all lives involved in this. He WILL. Today is Good Friday and it reminds me that on this day Jesus was crucified, it seemed like all Hope was gone..But how eaisly we forget that Sunday was just around the corner. I am praying for HOPE and Sunday to be around the corner for Madison. You are a Great Mom, you have made a sacrificial desicion and just know I am praying.
Love, Chelsea Reed
Chelsea~Thank you for the words of encouragement! I love you too.
The emotions of all of this is something I have to work out. My friends agree (for the most part) with the decision we have had to make. It is my feelings thoughts and emotions that they disagree with. It is going to be a long road and right now I feel il-equipped to travel. I am so very thankful for the prayers!
love~
Angela
I am sorry I am not physically there to hug you, cry with you and just be Jesus with skin on. But I am praying for Madison AND the rest of the family. I think this is a great thing for her and I pray in time you will be able to not beat yourself up. Satan loves to dish out guilt. Chelsea said it well! Call any time day or night! Love you bunches!
i am a mother too. i've had a child go through some of these same things. it is when you realize that this is about the child and not the parent that you can really focus on the healing process. i blamed myself for a very long time until i had a counselor tell me that its not about me and my guilt or my failure but about my child and what can i do to help my child not what i did or how i may have failed. concentrate on what your daughter needs now worry about yourself later.
You.are.an.amazing.mother! And woman! How blessed that Madison has you in her life and you are in a position to be able to do something great like this for her. One day she will see that it was the best decision and she will grow so much because of it.
I cant imagine the heartbreak that you are dealing wiht right now, but please know that God gave you this situation because He knew YOU could handle it. He never gives us more than we can handle and HE presented this opportunity as a way of helping all of you. Don't ever think of it as giving up. YOu have given so much already and you still will be. I am just in awe at you each time I read a post. You are truly remarkable!
Angela,
Although I have not walked the same road of motherhood as you, I have struggled with feeling inadequate as a mother many times. One time I heard a speaker say that the very times we feel we have failed our children could be the very moments that draw them to the cross. After all, if we were perfect, why would our children need a Savior? I do understand your feelings of grief, shame, disappointment, anger, frustration and all of the why's and could we have's. I would be more concerned if you didn't have those feelings because it would mean that your heart was hardened and you, my friend, have the softest heart of anyone I know. All I can say is I'm sorry and that I will be praying for Madison as well as you, Scott and the entire family. My prayer is that Madison will have a "sound mind" and be able to learn to appreciate the young woman God made her to be. I will be praying for you and Scott as you make this very difficult decision and for your entire family to be drawn closer together rather than give the enemy a foothold. Please remember that no matter what well meaning family and friends might say (me included) the only opinion that matters eternally is the Lord's. If He has led you to make this decision, He will bring about the perfect result and it will be for His glory. I appreciate your transparency and honesty and may God use that to help other Moms (and Dads) who might need a voice of encouragement today.
"If your heart is broken, you'll find God right there; if you're kicked in the gut, he'll help you catch your breath." Psalm 34:18 The Message
You are not alone - there are countless others standing with you in prayer at this time.
Love you much,
Debbie Lively
you are amazing mother and not alone, i have lost 3 babies before birth so not a mom to a baby or child on earth, how ever i my self was a teenager full of hurt, i tryed to take my own life so many times when i was a teenager i blamed every one for my problams instead of looking at my self, it wasnt until i found GOD as my savoir i found peace
i knew still had to fight, and over come so much while i stoped trying to take my own life i had to over come grate depression over me, i was raped as a child and never told any one so i was dealing with angery isues from that,
my mom was never there for me but my dad was,
im now 28 and looking back i know that no one was to blam on how i acted and the reasons for me acting out depresion can have a HOLD over a person,
no one is to blam YOU are NOT to blam in any way you are doing your JOB as a mother by loving her, but some times u may need help, i had to go in to a program as a teenager to help me to ,
So i am not coming to u today as a mother who understands but as a young woman who has faced alot of what your daughter is faceing i was on that road its not easy but i did over come it with GOD , i wanted so bad to be praggy as a teenager my self and yet i wanted to kill my self
if u need to talk im here for you i dont share my story with people normley
HUGS APRIL
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