I am sad to report that a great wonderful man of faith has passed away. My best friend Joslyn lost her beloved Uncle Horace this week. It is a great loss for the family and for anyone who had the privilege of knowing this amazing man. When Joslyn's father was killed 16 years ago her uncle stepped up has taken care of the family ever since. My heart breaks for my friend and her family....they are all like family to me for many years Joslyn's family was the only family I had outside my dad and siblings.
I began this week by spending all day Monday clearing up filling out and sending to various places TONS of paperwork, forms, registration, financial aid, evaluations, applications. It seriously took all day. I am so glad to be done.
Today begins the Great house clean out....I am attacking the clutter and mess of this house and praying that at the end of this 2 week period. (I gave myself a deadline) I will have a much more simplified existance and organization will surround me on all sides....ah...that feels good just imagining it!
PLEASE pray for my frinds little boy! Kyle is 10 years old, he is in the hospital fighting...he is a very ill little boy but I believe in the power of prayer and know that people all over the world are praying for him. The test results should be in sometime today. Kyle is in desperate need of a miracle.
Madison has lost all priveleges again. no calls. no talking. ACK! I wish that girl would wake up and get it!!I am so heart sick over her right now I can not even write about it...just please pray for her.
on a lighter note. I signed Isaiah and Elijah up for Spanish camp at Grand View College next week it looks to be a great fun time!
OK. So, I have been wanting an I-POD ever since last winter when I borrowed one from Dominique's friend Scott. I finally got one and do you think my weary old brain can figure out how to load anything onto it???? nope! so ig there is anyone out there willing to give a lesson...i am a little slow but sure would appreciate the help!
That is about all for now...I am going to go prepare a picnic lunch and spend some time in the sunny park with my monsters!
Tuesday, June 30, 2009
Saturday, June 27, 2009
today was Joy's wedding day! All the hours of preparations and today was such a beautiful day all the hard work was well worth it!! I am sad to say that I missed many amazing photo opportunities today. I keep reaching for my camera when I was struck by a moment I wanted to capture on film and then realized that it was in the KITCHEN of the reception hall. UGH!! I helped Joy's Aunt Dena man the kitchen and the 2 of us along with our recruits pulled it off! Nothing was lost or broken and the only thing missing was my camera for most of the day. Luke is a huge Cubs fan so I made him a Cubs grooms cake! fun! I wish the photo was better of the tiered cake. But...oh well! It was a lovely day. a couple bonuses...Gramma came out for the occasion! YAY!! and my monsters not only were well behaved BUT 3 of them helped ALL day! way to go boys! I appreciated all the help!
Thursday, June 25, 2009
evolution of a heavy heart
I find myself lately with a heavy heart. Sometimes it isn't easy to follow God's call. Sometimes (at least for me) I wonder what in the world He sees in me that He thinks I can do this....am I alone in this? Does anyone else ever feel like that?
I know God called me to serve children. He placed children on my heart many years ago. I have known for years and years that I was to help heal hurting children and their families. So it is no surprise that in every area of my life at the center you will find the children. Some are mine....some I have gathered along the way....some I am trying to help through this journey of healing....
Lately it has been very difficult for me to see the sun shining through on the other side. Lately when I lie down at night my mind is filled with the sweet sad faces of these children and all the horrific details of their small lives. I lie there and wonder....why me Lord....I can't fix this...I am not even making a difference let alone making a change...then my heart leaps a step further...why THEM Lord...I do not understand. I am trying to understand, really I am. But if God tells us in His word that the children should be allowed to come to Him....that we should have faith like that of a child....there are so many places in His word where He stresses the importance of children....why then must they live through such horrific acts?
I had a discussion with a pastor friend earlier this week. That friend tried to get me to see that it is all related to the fall of man in Eden and the choices we make change and profoundly affect the lives of not only those close to us but far reaching . I get that. I do understand all of that. But there should be special provision to protect the children. Don't you agree...
I find myself surrounded by fragmented lives. Broken, some are shattered. All of them frayed around the edges at the least. Non of them remotely resembling their original state. Most having no direction at all, no ability to focus on the here and now much less the healing possibilities.
My heart aches for these. For these lost and hurting children. For the people they will become if healing never arrives.
Please understand....I do have faith. I believe in God and His grace. But I have also seen first hand the reality that is the system. The system these children are thrown into. The system that sometimes makes decisions that are not in their best interest. People who are in the position of authority over them do not know their circumstance first hand. They have not seen, felt, breathed the life of these hurting children. To them these children are a file...and large over flowing stack of papers that depicts the tragedy from where they have come and dictates the future of their footsteps. Yet how many of these people who make these decisions really know the child's story?
How many can stand and say they have seen the tears, felt the heart break, rocked the sobbing child, soothed their fears...the hurt these children carry with in their hearts is so huge, so profound, you could hold it in your hand and feel that it has created its own heart beat. Who is going to save them? who is going to keep them safe? How are they going to complete this journey and be victoriously whole at the end?
Then...my eyes fell upon this verse...Psalm 147:3- 6He heals the broken hearted and binds up their wounds. He counts the number of the stars; He calls them by name. Great is our Lord, and mighty in power. His understanding is infinite. The Lord lifts up the humble; He casts the wicked down to the ground.
I read these words and the verses surrounding them....and slowly a realization settled within my heart.
I do not have to understand. I do not have to make the difference. I do however have to stay faithful to His calling and pray. Pray for these children and for those in authority over them and their lives. My friend was right. He told me I may never ever know the impact my actions or words have had on the lives of those around me. good or bad....I just have to know that there is always an impact. I can not do or say anything that will not affect someone else's life in some way or another....so....my prayers for this night are for me to remember that I best serve these children by being obedient to God's call on my life....that God would guard my mind, my mouth and my thoughts, that they would only serve to glorify Him...that God would place a special hedge of protection around the children....children I know and those I do not....because not only are the children precious treasures but they are our future....
I know God called me to serve children. He placed children on my heart many years ago. I have known for years and years that I was to help heal hurting children and their families. So it is no surprise that in every area of my life at the center you will find the children. Some are mine....some I have gathered along the way....some I am trying to help through this journey of healing....
Lately it has been very difficult for me to see the sun shining through on the other side. Lately when I lie down at night my mind is filled with the sweet sad faces of these children and all the horrific details of their small lives. I lie there and wonder....why me Lord....I can't fix this...I am not even making a difference let alone making a change...then my heart leaps a step further...why THEM Lord...I do not understand. I am trying to understand, really I am. But if God tells us in His word that the children should be allowed to come to Him....that we should have faith like that of a child....there are so many places in His word where He stresses the importance of children....why then must they live through such horrific acts?
I had a discussion with a pastor friend earlier this week. That friend tried to get me to see that it is all related to the fall of man in Eden and the choices we make change and profoundly affect the lives of not only those close to us but far reaching . I get that. I do understand all of that. But there should be special provision to protect the children. Don't you agree...
I find myself surrounded by fragmented lives. Broken, some are shattered. All of them frayed around the edges at the least. Non of them remotely resembling their original state. Most having no direction at all, no ability to focus on the here and now much less the healing possibilities.
My heart aches for these. For these lost and hurting children. For the people they will become if healing never arrives.
Please understand....I do have faith. I believe in God and His grace. But I have also seen first hand the reality that is the system. The system these children are thrown into. The system that sometimes makes decisions that are not in their best interest. People who are in the position of authority over them do not know their circumstance first hand. They have not seen, felt, breathed the life of these hurting children. To them these children are a file...and large over flowing stack of papers that depicts the tragedy from where they have come and dictates the future of their footsteps. Yet how many of these people who make these decisions really know the child's story?
How many can stand and say they have seen the tears, felt the heart break, rocked the sobbing child, soothed their fears...the hurt these children carry with in their hearts is so huge, so profound, you could hold it in your hand and feel that it has created its own heart beat. Who is going to save them? who is going to keep them safe? How are they going to complete this journey and be victoriously whole at the end?
Then...my eyes fell upon this verse...Psalm 147:3- 6He heals the broken hearted and binds up their wounds. He counts the number of the stars; He calls them by name. Great is our Lord, and mighty in power. His understanding is infinite. The Lord lifts up the humble; He casts the wicked down to the ground.
I read these words and the verses surrounding them....and slowly a realization settled within my heart.
I do not have to understand. I do not have to make the difference. I do however have to stay faithful to His calling and pray. Pray for these children and for those in authority over them and their lives. My friend was right. He told me I may never ever know the impact my actions or words have had on the lives of those around me. good or bad....I just have to know that there is always an impact. I can not do or say anything that will not affect someone else's life in some way or another....so....my prayers for this night are for me to remember that I best serve these children by being obedient to God's call on my life....that God would guard my mind, my mouth and my thoughts, that they would only serve to glorify Him...that God would place a special hedge of protection around the children....children I know and those I do not....because not only are the children precious treasures but they are our future....
Saturday, June 20, 2009
The Burrito and his passion for puddles!
I have learned one thing this summer so far....The Burrito LOVES puddles!!! Any kind will do...the splashier the better....and if by chance there is mud involved...well that is an exciting bonus!
base ball picuters
I am so proud of Elijah and his ball team. They kind of had a rough season. When Rally Days Tournaments rolled around they came together and pulled it together to win the first 2 games of the tournament. Not only did they find a way to work together as a team but they also found a way to lose with grace when they lost the 3rd game. Those boys in all their disappointment went out and congratulated the other team even wishing them a win at the final game! Way to go boys! I am so proud of all of you!!
Sunday, June 14, 2009
It has been a busy weekend. Tomorrow I think I will try to post some pix of life as of late....for now you will have to rely on a word picture instead.
Friday night, after months of being invited, I finally made it to a special bible study. I really was worried about going. I am always with children and so I do not know very many adults unless they are attached to children I already know. So going was a bit uncomfortable for me. I am glad I did. The study was on prayer....I have been contemplating much since Friday night. It was fun, we ate dinner, had the study, some very special prayer time, then chatting. I have forgotten how long it has been that I have been able to actually have a conversation, uninterrupted...I am glad I went. Even though I did not leave church until midnight.
Sadly, we received a message from Ashley that Madison is on discipline and will not be allowed phone calls until at least next Friday.
Saturday arrived and I realized I still had the headache I had been fighting for 5 days. nothing seems to touch it. If I am lucky enough to get some relief it is short lived and I am back where I started.
I decided I was not leaving the house. No make up, nothing...and that is what I did. I sorted through all the clothing for FPNO clothing swap. What a chore that was!! Glad that one is over!
Wish I could say I was smart enough to go to bed early...but...I wasn't!
Today we had church followed right away by the Shriners Hospital kids picinic. WHat fun that was...do you think I remembered my camera? Nope! I thought about it while in the shower this morning and then poof...forgot until we arrived at the picinic. ARGH!
We arrived home in time for me to make a cake and pasta salad for Elijah's baseball family picinic. He had practice at 2 followed by a game between parents and the boys. THAT WAS FUN!! then the picinic. The Burrito LOVES being out doors! He loves the park and boy was he ever dirty!!
Amaris had tons of fun playing with her friends she hasnt seen since school let out 2 weeks ago. Miss social butterfly at the ripe old age of 8!
Samuel of course was in trouble and had to let the entire world know that he was unhgappy with his plight in life....lets just say he bought hiomself an early to bed night....NUFF SAID!!
Isaiah suprised all of us and stayed at the picinic almost the entire time! Mr. I-hate-bugs-so-I-cant-stay-outdoors...It was a beautiful day for a picinic or 2 and some baseball.
This week we are heading into the tournament games. Lij plays Monday night, if he wins they move on, if they lose the season is over. It has been a great season. And as much as I love watching him play ball...it will be nice to not run to the ballpark every other night.
I am taking the Burrito in for evaluations Monday morning...more on that later.
It has been super nice having Dominique home...sigh...I know our summer will fly by and sooner than I would like he will be flying back to MD. :0( I will enjoy him while he is home and try not think about his departure. It has been fun getting to know his friends better. They are a great bunch of kids!!
Tomorrow is the beginning of a long week...so I must get some rest and attempt to sleep away this crazy headache that has taken up residence in my head. pictures tomorrow...I hope!
Friday night, after months of being invited, I finally made it to a special bible study. I really was worried about going. I am always with children and so I do not know very many adults unless they are attached to children I already know. So going was a bit uncomfortable for me. I am glad I did. The study was on prayer....I have been contemplating much since Friday night. It was fun, we ate dinner, had the study, some very special prayer time, then chatting. I have forgotten how long it has been that I have been able to actually have a conversation, uninterrupted...I am glad I went. Even though I did not leave church until midnight.
Sadly, we received a message from Ashley that Madison is on discipline and will not be allowed phone calls until at least next Friday.
Saturday arrived and I realized I still had the headache I had been fighting for 5 days. nothing seems to touch it. If I am lucky enough to get some relief it is short lived and I am back where I started.
I decided I was not leaving the house. No make up, nothing...and that is what I did. I sorted through all the clothing for FPNO clothing swap. What a chore that was!! Glad that one is over!
Wish I could say I was smart enough to go to bed early...but...I wasn't!
Today we had church followed right away by the Shriners Hospital kids picinic. WHat fun that was...do you think I remembered my camera? Nope! I thought about it while in the shower this morning and then poof...forgot until we arrived at the picinic. ARGH!
We arrived home in time for me to make a cake and pasta salad for Elijah's baseball family picinic. He had practice at 2 followed by a game between parents and the boys. THAT WAS FUN!! then the picinic. The Burrito LOVES being out doors! He loves the park and boy was he ever dirty!!
Amaris had tons of fun playing with her friends she hasnt seen since school let out 2 weeks ago. Miss social butterfly at the ripe old age of 8!
Samuel of course was in trouble and had to let the entire world know that he was unhgappy with his plight in life....lets just say he bought hiomself an early to bed night....NUFF SAID!!
Isaiah suprised all of us and stayed at the picinic almost the entire time! Mr. I-hate-bugs-so-I-cant-stay-outdoors...It was a beautiful day for a picinic or 2 and some baseball.
This week we are heading into the tournament games. Lij plays Monday night, if he wins they move on, if they lose the season is over. It has been a great season. And as much as I love watching him play ball...it will be nice to not run to the ballpark every other night.
I am taking the Burrito in for evaluations Monday morning...more on that later.
It has been super nice having Dominique home...sigh...I know our summer will fly by and sooner than I would like he will be flying back to MD. :0( I will enjoy him while he is home and try not think about his departure. It has been fun getting to know his friends better. They are a great bunch of kids!!
Tomorrow is the beginning of a long week...so I must get some rest and attempt to sleep away this crazy headache that has taken up residence in my head. pictures tomorrow...I hope!
Friday, June 12, 2009
This week has been very productive. I am proud of myself, I rose above the heaviness of my sorrow and got things done anyway. Some days, I wish I could just crawl into bed, close the door and shut the world out. Even 24 hours of alone time with no one to disturb my existence could do a world of good for my soul. BUT....since such moments of peace and solitude do not exist in my time and space. I move ahead, placing one weary foot in front of the other and suddenly realize...I did it! I made it through my most dreaded week of the year. I even managed a smile and laugh or two along the way! Yay for me!
Some things I have accomplished: completed 7 phone calls and an updated report for my CASA case. Rounded up a few new volunteers for Foster Parents Night Out, planned this months FPNO activities and menu. Contacted a gentleman who is helping me complete my non profit status and all the legal/tax exempt stuff. Updated foster/adoption liscense. Took kiddos to the doctor. Set up more appointments for some. Looked for and found a spanish program for the kids to use this summer, (still need to purchase the program). Cleaned out and organized 2 rooms. Took tons of pictures. Arranged a new travel plan for Dominique. Helped him choose next semester classes, changed his phone service provider, and watched ball games! WHEW!!
Now, I am getting very excited because I have the honor of creating my cousin Joy's wedding cake this month. If it turns out half as nice in real life as it looks in my imagination....it will be the best cake I have done so far! Plus 500 mints for the occasion.
Life is moving forward. Funny, it has a way of doing that. moving. even when we would much prefer to have it stand still, or pass on by....or better yet....rewind and provide us the grace of a do-over...BUT, since I have tried many a time to achieve the do-over status and have come to the conclusion that a real life do-over is actually the process of which we learn from our mistakes and not repeat them, then we pass on the wisdom we gained from those mistakes....that is a true life do-over.
SIGH~ so today, I am proud. proud that I made it through this week. and have accomplished things instead of lying in bed with the covers pulled up over my head waiting for the week to come to an end...
Some things I have accomplished: completed 7 phone calls and an updated report for my CASA case. Rounded up a few new volunteers for Foster Parents Night Out, planned this months FPNO activities and menu. Contacted a gentleman who is helping me complete my non profit status and all the legal/tax exempt stuff. Updated foster/adoption liscense. Took kiddos to the doctor. Set up more appointments for some. Looked for and found a spanish program for the kids to use this summer, (still need to purchase the program). Cleaned out and organized 2 rooms. Took tons of pictures. Arranged a new travel plan for Dominique. Helped him choose next semester classes, changed his phone service provider, and watched ball games! WHEW!!
Now, I am getting very excited because I have the honor of creating my cousin Joy's wedding cake this month. If it turns out half as nice in real life as it looks in my imagination....it will be the best cake I have done so far! Plus 500 mints for the occasion.
Life is moving forward. Funny, it has a way of doing that. moving. even when we would much prefer to have it stand still, or pass on by....or better yet....rewind and provide us the grace of a do-over...BUT, since I have tried many a time to achieve the do-over status and have come to the conclusion that a real life do-over is actually the process of which we learn from our mistakes and not repeat them, then we pass on the wisdom we gained from those mistakes....that is a true life do-over.
SIGH~ so today, I am proud. proud that I made it through this week. and have accomplished things instead of lying in bed with the covers pulled up over my head waiting for the week to come to an end...
Wednesday, June 10, 2009
16 years ago...
It is hard to believe that 16 years ago my dad died.
He lived a long time after he was diagnosed. Long beyond all predictions of his doctors. Most say he lived so long because Dominique and Alex gave him a reason to fight. A will to survive beyond all expectation. I believe that is true.
I can still see the look in his face when one of the boys entered the room. Pure joy. Dad loved children. He was an amazing father, the best grandfather any kid could ever hope to have, a teacher, it was always our house all our friends ended up, dad loved them all. Our home was theirs and they knew no matter what they did he would listen and love them anyway.
His diagnosis came while I was still in high school shortly after I recovered from cancer. He first became seriously ill the week Dominique was born. The journey we traveled together was both the most joyous part of my life and the saddest as well.
I see him in the faces of my children, hear him in their laughter and tears. I see him when I look at my older brother. Even after all these years whenever something wonderful or awful happens in my life I long to sit and share it with him. I wish for the days when we would sit on the front porch and swing, chatting in the summer breeze as we watch the kids playing.
My father was not a perfect man. He made his share of mistakes. As we all do. But he gave me gifts I will treasure and pass on to my children. He taught me to love no matter what. He taught me that no person is any less deserving of unconditional love and acceptance than another. Our home was always open to any one who needed a place. a place to laugh, to love, to cry, to talk to heal from life's wounds....He didn't always make the best choices but he was an amazing man. Filled with amazing gifts that he lovingly passed on to us his children...and we are now passing them on to ours....
I love you dad....I miss you more every day....I am so grateful for all you taught me about life love and treasures...I can not wait for the day we will be reunited. I have so much I want to tell you....love~Angela
He lived a long time after he was diagnosed. Long beyond all predictions of his doctors. Most say he lived so long because Dominique and Alex gave him a reason to fight. A will to survive beyond all expectation. I believe that is true.
I can still see the look in his face when one of the boys entered the room. Pure joy. Dad loved children. He was an amazing father, the best grandfather any kid could ever hope to have, a teacher, it was always our house all our friends ended up, dad loved them all. Our home was theirs and they knew no matter what they did he would listen and love them anyway.
His diagnosis came while I was still in high school shortly after I recovered from cancer. He first became seriously ill the week Dominique was born. The journey we traveled together was both the most joyous part of my life and the saddest as well.
I see him in the faces of my children, hear him in their laughter and tears. I see him when I look at my older brother. Even after all these years whenever something wonderful or awful happens in my life I long to sit and share it with him. I wish for the days when we would sit on the front porch and swing, chatting in the summer breeze as we watch the kids playing.
My father was not a perfect man. He made his share of mistakes. As we all do. But he gave me gifts I will treasure and pass on to my children. He taught me to love no matter what. He taught me that no person is any less deserving of unconditional love and acceptance than another. Our home was always open to any one who needed a place. a place to laugh, to love, to cry, to talk to heal from life's wounds....He didn't always make the best choices but he was an amazing man. Filled with amazing gifts that he lovingly passed on to us his children...and we are now passing them on to ours....
I love you dad....I miss you more every day....I am so grateful for all you taught me about life love and treasures...I can not wait for the day we will be reunited. I have so much I want to tell you....love~Angela
Sunday, June 7, 2009
Synergy!
The pictures are a bit dark...this is me in my character 'Cindy-Lou' FUN !!
We had a great time in church tonight! Synergy services were in the hands of the children's ministry team. We honored the 6th grade graduates.
Trudy and I were supposed to do a character skit with Pastor Kevin.
Trudy and I were in the dressing room changing into our characters. Discussing what we would say and do. When suddenly, Trudy was hit hard with a horrible headache bringing her to her knees then the floor. I prayed for her. And had to do the skit on my own. Poor Pastor Kevin, I could tell he was wondering where Trudy was and if she would be popping out from somewhere any minute. After the skit, I changed and checked on Trudy, found her some medication and prayed some more. By the end of service she was feeling a bit better.
I am praying these headaches do not return.
We had a great time in church tonight! Synergy services were in the hands of the children's ministry team. We honored the 6th grade graduates.
Trudy and I were supposed to do a character skit with Pastor Kevin.
Trudy and I were in the dressing room changing into our characters. Discussing what we would say and do. When suddenly, Trudy was hit hard with a horrible headache bringing her to her knees then the floor. I prayed for her. And had to do the skit on my own. Poor Pastor Kevin, I could tell he was wondering where Trudy was and if she would be popping out from somewhere any minute. After the skit, I changed and checked on Trudy, found her some medication and prayed some more. By the end of service she was feeling a bit better.
I am praying these headaches do not return.
reflections and regret
In reflecting over the past year or so I have realized a few things...it has been a year of growth....change....a season of remembering, letting go, reconnecting, adjusting, loving, loss, mourning, joy...and so much more.
I have been reflecting a lot lately. I get that way. You know. reminiscey (is that even a word?) around this time of the year. This week is the 16th anniversary of Daddy's death. I always find my heart rewinding during this time. For such an awful time in my life I had many blessings. Why is it that when in the midst of the storms of life we fail to recognize those blessings? I have so many regrets rooted in those years surrounding Daddy's death and dying process. I lost a lot during those years. I have a great many regrets still living there. In those years stored away in the recesses of my heart where no one is allowed to roam.
I was hurt. I lost so much during that season of my life. After Daddy died I felt so alone. So lost. Abandoned. No two people respond in the same ways in the face of such great loss. I wish I could say I was strong and grew stronger through the months and years that followed. But, instead, I ran. I ran away from all the people who had cared for me. I ran from the unconditional-there for you no matter what- family that I had created. Not only did I run....but I cut all communication too. Over the years I have thought about those angels of peace and mercy who carried us through those dark days....God knows I have a deeply grateful heart....I only wish I had an opportunity to share that gratefulness with the people who extended love to me when loving us was risky.
As the years have passed by, my heart has grown to understand that I may never have the opportunity again to thank those wonderful people. To apologize for my running spirit.
then....a series of events began to unfold. and how oddly appropriate that the changes would revolve around the life of a boy who extended the life of my father by several years.
A year ago, a wedding took me back to the place I had run from. I was nervous, excited and scared all at once. The flight was nerve racking. Upon my arrival I realized something. Unconditional real love never fades. Even when denied exposure. Even when not fed or nurtured. Unconditional love continues to grow through the storms of life and into the sunshine. I was greeted with the open arms and love of a mother whom is not really my mother. But has been in so many ways. Every person I encountered embraced me as if time had stood still.
One would think this kind of loving forgiving reception would make me feel better. Right? It increased my guilt and bad feelings ten fold. Because not only did I run out on people who in many ways were more of a family to me than any biological family could ever be. But, I realized how much I missed out on...how much my children have missed out on. And that knowledge grieves my heart deeply.
I have struggled intensely with these feelings all year. But, am slowly coming to a place where it is beginning to make sense.
I was blessed this week. A very dear friend of my dad's ( throughout dad's illness he became dear to me and Dominique as well.) Brad an amazing support to all of us throughout dad's illness and after. anyway. I know I am rambling a bit....I pushed him away as well. we lost touch 13 years ago. I have looked for him many times with no success. I think of him every time I take Isaiah up to the hospital because he lives in the twin cities. He found me on face book this week. What a wonderful opportunity. We have been catching up on life. He is still the amazing friend he always was. I am so glad he found me. He is preparing to go on a 300 mile bike ride for AIDS in honor of my dad. WOW! I am honored....to know him and to call him friend!
I have to figure out how to find peace with the past decisions and bring healing from here. Regret is a terrible thing to live with...
I have been reflecting a lot lately. I get that way. You know. reminiscey (is that even a word?) around this time of the year. This week is the 16th anniversary of Daddy's death. I always find my heart rewinding during this time. For such an awful time in my life I had many blessings. Why is it that when in the midst of the storms of life we fail to recognize those blessings? I have so many regrets rooted in those years surrounding Daddy's death and dying process. I lost a lot during those years. I have a great many regrets still living there. In those years stored away in the recesses of my heart where no one is allowed to roam.
I was hurt. I lost so much during that season of my life. After Daddy died I felt so alone. So lost. Abandoned. No two people respond in the same ways in the face of such great loss. I wish I could say I was strong and grew stronger through the months and years that followed. But, instead, I ran. I ran away from all the people who had cared for me. I ran from the unconditional-there for you no matter what- family that I had created. Not only did I run....but I cut all communication too. Over the years I have thought about those angels of peace and mercy who carried us through those dark days....God knows I have a deeply grateful heart....I only wish I had an opportunity to share that gratefulness with the people who extended love to me when loving us was risky.
As the years have passed by, my heart has grown to understand that I may never have the opportunity again to thank those wonderful people. To apologize for my running spirit.
then....a series of events began to unfold. and how oddly appropriate that the changes would revolve around the life of a boy who extended the life of my father by several years.
A year ago, a wedding took me back to the place I had run from. I was nervous, excited and scared all at once. The flight was nerve racking. Upon my arrival I realized something. Unconditional real love never fades. Even when denied exposure. Even when not fed or nurtured. Unconditional love continues to grow through the storms of life and into the sunshine. I was greeted with the open arms and love of a mother whom is not really my mother. But has been in so many ways. Every person I encountered embraced me as if time had stood still.
One would think this kind of loving forgiving reception would make me feel better. Right? It increased my guilt and bad feelings ten fold. Because not only did I run out on people who in many ways were more of a family to me than any biological family could ever be. But, I realized how much I missed out on...how much my children have missed out on. And that knowledge grieves my heart deeply.
I have struggled intensely with these feelings all year. But, am slowly coming to a place where it is beginning to make sense.
I was blessed this week. A very dear friend of my dad's ( throughout dad's illness he became dear to me and Dominique as well.) Brad an amazing support to all of us throughout dad's illness and after. anyway. I know I am rambling a bit....I pushed him away as well. we lost touch 13 years ago. I have looked for him many times with no success. I think of him every time I take Isaiah up to the hospital because he lives in the twin cities. He found me on face book this week. What a wonderful opportunity. We have been catching up on life. He is still the amazing friend he always was. I am so glad he found me. He is preparing to go on a 300 mile bike ride for AIDS in honor of my dad. WOW! I am honored....to know him and to call him friend!
I have to figure out how to find peace with the past decisions and bring healing from here. Regret is a terrible thing to live with...
Foundations For Faith Graduation
Tonight was Synergy service at church. We celebrated the 6th grade class graduating foundations for faith. They all did a great job. Isaiah would have become a junior member, however, he was in PA on baptism Sunday. So, he will do it the next time. Marty made a video of the kids reading parts of their papers at the end of the video Isaiah read his entire paper. The whole video was very moving and I am proud of all the kids, especially Isaiah!
a black eye
Yesterday while unloading bags from the back of the van. I did not realize someone was closing the van door. Until I was nearly knocked off my feet. The door hit me before I knew what was happening, I didn't even realize I lost my glasses until Elijah handed them to me.
It hurt so much I was shaking all over and tears were just popping out of my eyes. It was the craziest thing! All afternoon it throbbed and swelled and slowly by bedtime it was bruising.
Saturday, June 6, 2009
the wedding
Mr. and Mrs!
Nathan and Sun's wedding was beautiful. Being exposed to a new culture was amazing in so many ways. I admire Sun and her family for their deep tradition. What an honor it was for me to have been a part of such a wonderful day in their lives.
I have many more special photos to share. Will put them up soon.
Sun and Nathan are an amazing young couple with a love so real and pure I am not sure I have ever been in the presence of such beauty. They live the definition of love...honor...cherish.
I wish I could find words to express all we experienced while there sharing in the special day.
Nathan taught us the proper ways to show respect to Sun and her family. We participated in traditional Korean ceremonies. Nathan also taught all of us the proper greeting in Korean. The boys were so cute practicing the greeting all day, then when it was time to greet Sun's family they bowed appropriately but said...nothing....teehee!
The traditional American ceremony was followed by the Korean Peah Bek ceremony, then the reception with dinner and dancing.
Nathan and Sun's wedding
Alex fell asleep waiting shortly after.....
Dominique fell asleep waiting for the wedding to begin.
Mother in her traditional Han Bok.
Sun's adorable nephew!
The couple and their bridal party.
Sun's cutie niece.
The lovely bride!
My handsome brother and his bride. (and mother's head)
Sun's parents, Sun, Nathan, Mother and Philip (standing in for Dad)
The wedding was absolutely beautiful!
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