In reflecting over the past year or so I have realized a few things...it has been a year of growth....change....a season of remembering, letting go, reconnecting, adjusting, loving, loss, mourning, joy...and so much more.
I have been reflecting a lot lately. I get that way. You know. reminiscey (is that even a word?) around this time of the year. This week is the 16th anniversary of Daddy's death. I always find my heart rewinding during this time. For such an awful time in my life I had many blessings. Why is it that when in the midst of the storms of life we fail to recognize those blessings? I have so many regrets rooted in those years surrounding Daddy's death and dying process. I lost a lot during those years. I have a great many regrets still living there. In those years stored away in the recesses of my heart where no one is allowed to roam.
I was hurt. I lost so much during that season of my life. After Daddy died I felt so alone. So lost. Abandoned. No two people respond in the same ways in the face of such great loss. I wish I could say I was strong and grew stronger through the months and years that followed. But, instead, I ran. I ran away from all the people who had cared for me. I ran from the unconditional-there for you no matter what- family that I had created. Not only did I run....but I cut all communication too. Over the years I have thought about those angels of peace and mercy who carried us through those dark days....God knows I have a deeply grateful heart....I only wish I had an opportunity to share that gratefulness with the people who extended love to me when loving us was risky.
As the years have passed by, my heart has grown to understand that I may never have the opportunity again to thank those wonderful people. To apologize for my running spirit.
then....a series of events began to unfold. and how oddly appropriate that the changes would revolve around the life of a boy who extended the life of my father by several years.
A year ago, a wedding took me back to the place I had run from. I was nervous, excited and scared all at once. The flight was nerve racking. Upon my arrival I realized something. Unconditional real love never fades. Even when denied exposure. Even when not fed or nurtured. Unconditional love continues to grow through the storms of life and into the sunshine. I was greeted with the open arms and love of a mother whom is not really my mother. But has been in so many ways. Every person I encountered embraced me as if time had stood still.
One would think this kind of loving forgiving reception would make me feel better. Right? It increased my guilt and bad feelings ten fold. Because not only did I run out on people who in many ways were more of a family to me than any biological family could ever be. But, I realized how much I missed out on...how much my children have missed out on. And that knowledge grieves my heart deeply.
I have struggled intensely with these feelings all year. But, am slowly coming to a place where it is beginning to make sense.
I was blessed this week. A very dear friend of my dad's ( throughout dad's illness he became dear to me and Dominique as well.) Brad an amazing support to all of us throughout dad's illness and after. anyway. I know I am rambling a bit....I pushed him away as well. we lost touch 13 years ago. I have looked for him many times with no success. I think of him every time I take Isaiah up to the hospital because he lives in the twin cities. He found me on face book this week. What a wonderful opportunity. We have been catching up on life. He is still the amazing friend he always was. I am so glad he found me. He is preparing to go on a 300 mile bike ride for AIDS in honor of my dad. WOW! I am honored....to know him and to call him friend!
I have to figure out how to find peace with the past decisions and bring healing from here. Regret is a terrible thing to live with...
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