A letter to my boys.

Dear Son(s),
To my first born...It is hard to believe you have been with me for 23 years and 7 months. I want you to know some things. It is important for you to hear what has been written on my heart for you.
Even before you were born you had a special purpose. You brought light and hope into one of the darkest times of not only my life but your grandfathers as well. You were born with a certain peace about you, one that lives inside of you even today.
To My Isaiah. You were also born with a special purpose. You see you were the first connections that melted our 2 families into 1. Before you were born we were still 2 families living in one home when you were born you were a part of each of us. When you came into this world God used you to make us into a whole family. God has amazing plans for your life. You are a walking testimony of Gods faithfulness and love for all of us. Living proof that sometimes God's answer to prayer is Yes. You have far exceeded all expectations of the medical world. I am excited to see what He has planned for the future.
To my Elijah. Just thinking of your beginning brings tears to my eyes. hundreds of people all over the world prayed for your healing while you were still in the womb. We were prepared to love you in what ever condition you arrived, the outlook was not good. God had other plans and completed your healing before you were born. He has given you gifts and talents. use them to bring honor to Him.
To my Samuel. What a journey we have had. You amaze me with your talent and courage. God will bring great things to you if you remember to always follow Him.
To my Zephan. The obstacles you have hurdled and overcome in the short 6 years you have spent here on earth are nothing short of miraculous. You bring frustration and the greatest joy to my life. You have taught me much about love and patience. You are a beautiful child. Remember to always follow Jesus and He will direct your steps.
To my Thomas. Rescued for a purpose. When I look back over the journey we have shared. All I see is the amazing loving hand of God that has held you close every step of the way. He saved your life. He has plans for you that will blow away any plan I could dream up for you!
To my Jonah. I don't care what the doctors have said, you are brilliant, you are favored and you are loved. I refuse to place limitations on your life and future. I believe great blessings will come from you and to you in this life.
To my Jingles. I have known you 4 days. You already took up residence in my heart. I know these next few months will be tough. They will feel impossible and dark at times. I want you to know, I will pray over you every moment along the way. There are so many wonderful people praying for you and others fighting for you. I believe God will carry us through this first season together and in the end you will forever be with us, with your brothers.
My prayer for your lives has been and will always be that you will be world changers, peace makers.
Be proud of yourself, even if you’re different, because you were created with a unique purpose that requires you to be like no other. Be confident, be encouraging to others, be a part of  the journey another takes to find their purpose too. Be okay with failure, because it is through failure that you will learn some of life’s greatest lessons. Be kind and compassionate. Forgive. Always. Because holding onto grudges, hurt and pain breeds the same and You my Son were created for much more than these. Nothing good can be gained from being the opposite of these. Be faithful, as a friend and human being. Find a way to believe in something bigger than yourself, because the world is not about you, and just when you begin to think it is, the world will teach you a lesson. Be courageous. You my Son will need courage to walk through this life. I wish for you to not only walk through life but that you will do it with such courage that others will look to you to find their strength. Life is not easy and requires hard and sometimes scary work, I promise it will be worth it. Be thankful, because thankfulness creates joy and with joy comes contentment, life is intended to be enjoyed. Be an honest and loyal friend, who speaks the truth with love and stands firmly through the best and worst of times.

reality check

As I trudged through my week. Trying to muster enough emotional energy to put one foot in front of the other and not run and hide. Feeling a bit swallowed up by circumstances out of my control. Feeling somewhat of a failure as a mom. Feeling the blues and not really wanting to deal with anyone. My bed filled with cozy blankets and mindless made for TV movies a cup of coffee and nothing else seemed more and more appealing to me. It is always times such as these that God sends me an attitude adjustment, a reality check.
I sat in the living room of a gentleman whom I have known for a little more than a year. I visit his home once a week. This week, we were discussing his daughter and her struggle with depression and behavior. We were exploring creative ways to get her engaged and keep her safe. I mentioned that sometimes a person in this situation needs the safety of a hospital to find stability. It is not a long term answer but often helps. He expressed his concerns of her learning new behaviors. This is a valid concern but we must balance and decide what is best. I shared my journey with my mentally ill daughter with him. He quietly listened, taking in the story that has been my life. I did not share to discourage or scare him I shared so he would know he is not the only parent struggling with these issues. I shared about her cutting period and how she had been hospitalized and we over reacted by hiding any sharp object locking everything away. I told him that what I learned was: no matter how safe I make my home no matter how hard I try as a mom to keep my children safe if they are that hurt, that scared, that afraid they will find a way. they will be creative and use just about anything they can in order to carry out the act in which they find peace. whether it be cutting, drugs, drinking etc. We as parents have to give our children safety when they need it but also tools to keep themselves safe.
He sat for a long time. Not speaking but I could tell by the change in his eyes that he was thinking on what I had shared. In a slow quiet but steady voice he said. I understand now. Its just like me. 15 years ago I had a plan to end my life. I had a hard time dealing with my disability, I did not feel like a good provider. I had my gun loaded and ready. For some reason I told someone and they found help for me. What no one has ever known is that every day for the past 15 years I have had a plan. I have well thought out plans and back up plans. It is a daily struggle, a daily choice. Every morning I wake up and face my in ability to take care of my family the way in which I desire to. Every day I wake up feeling more of a burden than a blessing. But a year ago when you started coming here to see us I began to feel hope. Hope that I may not be able to provide physically for my family but I am ale to provide in other ways. The difference now is that I still have a plan. But now I have hope and now I have strength to chose NOT to carry out that plan. I pray, I pray hard every day that I will find strength to fight that demon away from my mind. And it is always the toughest days when I am feeling weak that you show up and you fill my ears with encouragement and you bring hope because I know you understand. and because I know you care. and that is all I needed. so Thank you.
I sat there speechless. After many minutes passed I wiped the tears that had found their way down my cheeks took a deep breath and all I could say was. Thank you for sharing your story. You are important. You have a purpose. And I am honored to know you.
as I drove away that day I was grateful for the 45 minutes of solitude in the van. I had much to ponder.
I am blessed and all these things that have weighed me down are nothing compared to this burden this man has carried for 15 years.
I share this story today NOT to receive praise. I do not need nor do I want praise. What I want is for people to realize what our presence in the lives around us means. We do not know the hidden burdens carried by others. We do not know the pain in their hearts. We need to be careful of the words we choose the actions we use. They are important. They have great power. power to heal and power to destroy. I want my actions attitudes and words to always bring healing.

an adoption journey

Who knew silver threads of sorrow and golden threads of joy could be sewn lovingly into the same quilt....surely not I.
Bare with me as I pour out my raw feelings and emotions. Please try and remember this is Angela's journey, Angela's heart, Angela's experience. I welcome those who read and keep up with my life as I see it feel it and breathe it daily. But please do not be rude judgmental or mean. that is unnecessary and mean.
My journey with a daughter living with mental illness is not a new topic here. So I will not rehash al those details.
It was October 16, 2012. My birthday. My daughter had been missing again for quite some time. Had no contact with me at all spontaneous contact with her dad 20 months leading up to this text message. Knowing the situations she historically found herself in up to this time made the news she typed feel dark scary and sad. 'I'm pregnant' those are 2 words I had prayed against many times. So many thoughts and emotions swarmed at me all at one time. It was as if something had knocked the wind out of me only I am stull trying to remember how to breathe. even nearly 14 months later I am still reeling from the events that unfolded behind this announcement. I cried many tears, became angry, tried to make deals with My Father in heaven. There were many moments I was sure he was not listening. One skill I have that comes in handy during times such as these is that from the outside it is most difficult for others to see the struggle, battle and pain I carry. I like to keep it this way. I am not good at sharing my pain with others. Its just the way I am.
There was nothing we could do but pray and wait. Pray for the safety of this unborn child. Pray for the safety of our daughter. That payer has been uttered, whispered, screamed and cried millions of times over the past few years. There were moments through out the journey that I felt sorry for myself. This is not how becoming a grandparent for the first time was supposed to be. I felt jipped. ripped off. angry.
I wanted to have the privilege of shouting it out for all the world to hear. I suddenly became painfully aware of others becoming grandparents for the first time. I was jealous. I was angry. I hurt so deeply. and I was terrified.
February my daughter moved back home. we had a contract as we have in the past. She signed and agreed and with in 7 days broke the contract and took off again. Fear mounted upon fear and grew until it nearly consumed my thoughts and stole my sleep. She then became ill and ended up in the hospital in March and returned home for the remainder of the pregnancy. I had no idea what to expect. My mind ran in circles around itself leaving me dizzy with emotions I never thought were possible.
One day mid march her therapist informed s she had made a plan for adoption and had chosen the adoptive parents. Part of me was relieved and part of me experienced a new kind of grief I have no words to describe. I was filled with pride for my daughter who had just made the single most difficult and the bravest decision of her life thus far. I have never before and never since seen her more clear and dedicated to a decision. I respect. honor. love that girl. She knew she could not parent and made the most self LESS decision she ever could. In the process blessing a family with a miracle of a gift.
I continued to pray and take care of my daughter. I prayed that God would reverse all effects of any substances she had used prior to returning home. This was an extremely stressful period. But we had a focus and she had a plan. We had something to work towards which gave me strength.
I love the adoptive parents dearly. I know them well and have been very close to them for many years. What I didn't ever expect was the pain awkwardness and strain that would weave through every moment as things began to progress. I wont write the birth story, it is not mine to share. I will say that hospital personnel need to be better educated in dealing with not only adoption births but also mental illness. I am afraid I will always have to be an advocate for my daughter. Fighting for her.
I will say, the moment I saw that beautiful baby enter this world my heart melted and I felt a love so different than any other I have experienced. In that moment I knew this would be the toughest journey I have traveled with my daughter thus far. In that same moment I knew this adoption was the RIGHT decision for her to make and I would always support her. My prayers shifted a little I will always pray protective prayers over my grand-daughter. But I found myself praying that she would always know how deep the love for her will always be. How we loved her SO MUCH that we knew this decision her birthmom made was the absolute best decision but also was the one that God chose for her life. this one simple revelation brought peace as deep as a river to my heart.
There were moments through out the hospital experience that I longed to hide with that sweet baby in a room and rock her whispering all my hopes and dreams for her life into her ear, praying prayers of hope over her, and showering her face with sweet kisses that would have to last a lifetime. Because the moment she was born I felt a shift happen. My universe tilted ever so slightly to the left. so slightly that I am sure I am the only one in that room who felt it.
I will forever be debt to the kind nurse who chose to stay that day and the social worker who came in on her day off to be there to support my daughter through her goodbye. Scott was unable to be there. Not because he had other places to be but because his heart could not handle a goodbye. So I went that morning and stayed with her until the time came. I wont write about the ugly things that happened because of negligence on the attorneys part. I am not bitter. I am sad at the pain she caused my daughter, my family and the adoptive family.
I charged my camera and photographed my daughter saying goodbye to her daughter. there was more genuine perfect love in that room with just the 3 of us and the social worker than I can ever remember being anywhere. I fought hard to hold my emotions in check. My mind went over and over the previous 3 days and I knew that these precious minutes would be the most important most defining moments of all. I felt the pressure of knowing the adoptive family was down the hall and around the corner excited to receive their blessing. As my heart broke into an infinite number of pieces as I watched my daughter tenderly say her goodbyes. When she was ready I gently took the baby swaddled her tightly kissed her softly and placed her in the rolling bassinet. I am sure I did not breath at all as I made my way out the door. the door closed softly and just as I heard the click of the knob engaging I heard the most horrific mourn-filled cry flow out of my daughters room. the mom part of me wanted to turn around and say just kidding you don't have to do this that mom part of me heard my daughters pain and wanted nothing more than to fix it, make it go. But I knew in that same moment that God chose this beautiful grand-daughter of mine to be someone else's daughter. I slid down to the floor and cried for what seemed like an eternity. gathered my senses stood and began the longest walk of my life. I passed by happy excited people carrying balloons and flowers chattering about the new little ones they were celebrating and I remember thinking how unbelievable it was to feel the silver threads of deep sorrow and the golden threads of joy in the same moment in one heart. I began to cry again as I walked, at first just a tear dripped out of the corner of each eye and then I realized I was sobbing my chest was closing in on me and I could not breathe at all. In that moment God sent an angel to me I the form of my daughters nurse. She placed her warm hand on my shoulder and gently guided me a secret way through the back halls. We stopped in a private room where I said my own good byes and that sweet nurse did an amazing thing. Something that normally I would not have welcomed but in that moment on that day was the absolute most perfect thing. She hugged me. She did not speak for a long time. then gently she whispered when ever you are ready, I will walk with you as long as you want. I have never been more grateful for the companionship of a stranger than I was at that moment. I collected myself, and we began our journey down the back halls to the room filled with my grandbaby's new family. Just as surprised I was at the depth of my emotions during the good bye I was equally surprised at the joy that filled my heart as I watched her new Mommy cradle her and look into her eyes with the love only a mother can express. Standing in that room with intense feelings of sorrow and joy I witnessed the miracle of God's plan coming together. I left the room quickly because my emotions were uncontrollable and unpredictable. I was trying to figure out where to go what to do and how to make myself move from this moment to the next with out dying. I looked up and there waiting for me in the hall was the nurse. I honestly have no idea where we went how long we were gone or how I managed to reappear in my daughters room looking and acting completely normal. I packed my daughters belongings and the social worker walked us out to our van. I drove away from the single most difficult right decision I have ever supported.
Even with all those emotions. I can honestly say I never waivered once on what the right thing to do was. I knew in the deepest corners of my heart all along that this was the journey God chose for my grand-daughter. I just never expected it to hurt so much. Sometimes right is painful. Sometimes right is the absolute most difficult thing you will ever do or support.
more on my journey in a different post yet to be written....

what does adoption mean part 3, 4, 5

I always knew I wanted to foster and adopt one day. Honestly in 1995 when I married Scott I thought I gave those dreams away. He always said he would never do either one, in fact, at the time of our marriage he did not want to have ANY more children. Surprise! we had Isaiah. then later decided to have one more, Elijah. I never gave up my desire to foster and adopt. I never spoke about it to anyone but thought of it often and prayed about it nearly every day. I saw so much pain in the lives of children around me I saw hungry hurting children everywhere and just wanted to be a part of helping them find healing and safety. Then one day Scott came to me out of the blue and said he saw a special on TV and wanted to know more about being a foster family. Things moved quickly and we were in classes then licensed and soon had 2 little ones in our home. In the beginning we were focused on teaching parenting skills and helping the birth family get better so they could be reunited with their children. as time went on it became clear this was not going to happen and we would have the opportunity to adopt them. Adoption became to me a form a rescuing. I felt like I was a part of saving the lives of these sweet children. My job was now to love and protect them every day for the rest of their lives.
In between them and Zephan we were successful in finding healing with families and experience the joy of reunification and through this my faith in the system was restored.
Then along came Zephan his birth story took me on a journey I never expected, but then again I think God keeps choosing these tough journeys for me in order to teach my heart a few lessons. Zephans birth mom loved and still does love him madly completely and truly. So much so that my heart quivers in sorrow for her when I think too long on it. If only love were enough then she would be the perfect parent. Sadly, love does not give all fix all and is not all so.....He eventually became ours forever. my heart remains heavy for her.
Then, along came miss sassy pants.
In the beginning of our time with her my heart screamed to hold her and make things al right again. slowly as time crept by I began to reaize life has never been right for this little girl. It finally occurred to me not long ago that adoption does not always mean going before a judge, signing papers and celebrating. Sometimes. Adoption means loving some one SO much that no matter what you will never leave you will always be there. and love will always fill your heart. Even if she never lets me close enough, even if we never adopt her. Adoption means family and family loves NO MATTER WHAT.

what does adoption mean part 2

I had a few rough years as a teen growing up in California. I made some bad choices, got into my share of trouble. Then nearing the end of high school Daddy informed me we were moving. Not down the block or across town but all the way to New Jersey. That move saved my life in so many ways.
One if not THE best thing that came out of it was meeting Joslyn and her family.
It was from Grandmom Mommee and her extended family that I learned the true meaning of adoption. They took this messed up broken and angry teenage white girl into their hearts and homes and loved me. I was treated as one of the family from the second I was introduced. I learned about grace and love in the family room of that house, I learned about forgiveness and respect. I learned unconditional love from daddy I learned Love No Matter What from Mommee. I strive daily to be the kind of woman Mommee was.
No one could say my name and stop me dead in my tracks quite like Mommee could. Even as an adult with children a few years ago Dominique and I were out visiting and I had done something Mommee did not approve of, she said my name in the way that only she could, not only did I freeze but so did every other person in the room. Adotion=love no matter what.

what does adoption mean to you? Part 1

The "question" of the month. I have been asked this question more in the past 3 weeks than I can count. I have poured a lot of thought into this one question. I have so many different replies to this question that I have decided to write a mini series.so bare with me. :)
My very first thought ever that I can remember about adoption was when my father told us we were getting a new brother and he was coming on an airplane from far away.
Even as a small child I remember my daddy carrying the only 3 photos we had of my new brother and showing anyone who would take a moment and look. He was beautiful and I loved him right away.
I have a thousand page novel written on my heart of what adopting my baby brother Nathan means to me. I can't imagine life without him. I remember seeing photos of the orphanage and thinking when I grow up I will save all the orphan children bring them to my home and take care of them. Only then, I believed I had to go across the world to do that. I had no idea at all that there are children in our own communities who need a family just as badly as orphans half a world away.
Looking back over our life and knowing all that I know now about trauma and loss I realize Nathan is a survivor and I am so very proud of him.
I have never been brave enough to ask him what does adoption mean to him. or if he ever wonders about his birth family half way around the world. I think a part of me is afraid his answer would make me sad.
so, as a child adoption was fairytale-ish. I always had this idea that Daddy 'saved' Nathan. like some sort of hero. funny. Daddy always said Nathan was the completion of our family he made us perfectly even. I always liked that thought.

florida 2013

I now understand why people go on sabbaticals. Our vacation recently to Florida was EXACTLY what all of us needed but seemed not quite long enough. In my dreams we would have gone from Disney to the beach and stayed another 10 days in a beach house relaxing connecting and rejuvenating. ah the thought of that makes me dizzy with envy of the people who are able to afford such luxuries.
I had no idea just how much stress I carry around with me day to day until I was away from here. Away from the daily routines that make my life flow. Even in the hustle of the excitement of Disney I felt more relaxed than I have in years. It was good for all of us to go. It was hard of each of us to come back home to reality. I suppose this is true for anyone who experiences an amazing vacation. Seriously, it was amazing. HOT humid crowded and at times the kids were cranky but over all. AMAZING .

I was scanning through all of our pictures from our trip trying to decide which ones I should post when I got to the end of our photos this was the last picture I took. As we were leaving the Disney resort a skywriter was writing a message. we all watched in expectation trying to figure out what each letter would be and eager to see the final message....I think this sums up our trip. The fact that we were able to go, we had no travel emergencies, no horrific stories to tell (other than the one time we lost Burrito in Magic Kingdom.) the fact that we traveled with 11 people in a van from iowa to florida and back and everyone still loves each other in fact everyone is MORE bonded to each other than before....I think this photo says it all. If not for God none of this would have been so amazingly possible. Thanks God. I love you too!

at the end of the day, Im just a white girl.

I know this sounds silly to most people. But, I have never considered people in terms of color or class or anything else. People are People. Ever since I can remember I have enjoyed and loved people in general. I was never one to fall into one click or another. I had a friend or 2 in many different groups. If anything defined me at all it would have been that I didn't have many girl friends. I have never had the ability to understand the whole hormonal moody snarky thing. I was raised with mostly boys and raised by a father who would never put up with drama of any kind.
The most formative years of my life were from 16-23 I had not lived a typical life and had many heartaches and losses. In general by the age of 16 I didn't trust anyone outside of my little household.
I remember one day sitting on a grassy hill at the edge of the "Duck Pond" I did that a lot those days, I would walk and inevitably end up at the duck pond thinking over things. I would sit under this huge old weeping willow tree and write endless pages of the things of my heart. This particular day I met Joslyn. At the time I had no clue that God would bond us together more like sisters than friends He would carry us through life's joys and sorrows together. Joslyn's Mom became mine, her grandmom became my grandmom. I became a part of a family so loving and large that a miraculous thing  took place. My heart began to heal and I learned how to trust again.
I am going to be 45 years old in October and have been an 'adopted' member of Joslyn's family since I was 16. Mommee and My Otter Motter took me to church and introduced me to the God who created me. Those 2 women loved me no matter what through so much! Because of them I survived the loss of my Daddy. Because of them everything I do, think, or speak, every attitude I have I first think of them and what their response would be if they were with me.
Over the years it never occurred to me that they were African American and I was not. What did occur to me was that they LOVED me. and I love them. With all I have and all I am I know I am a part of their family. When I travel home to visit or for a funeral or for any reason, a peace flows over me and I know I am in the one place where I will always be loved no matter what.
It is THIS foundation that makes days like today so difficult. Journeys like Saturdays so impossible for me to understand. I have never had to work so hard to prove myself work so hard to earn trust. I have never been told that I am white so the person automatically does not trust me. The joke growing up was that Angela was not white she was gray, and completely color blind. I refuse to join the ranks of the world who sees in color. I refuse to join EITHER side who judges before knowing. I would rather live in my color blind world and love others with the heart God gave me, the heart my father nurtured and my 2 'adoptive mothers' molded.
I was told today by a woman I respect one I am working to help that "at the end of the day, Angela, you are still just a white girl and no one is gonna trust you. You have to walk through the fire hear all their STUFF and IF you are still standing there at the end. then MAYBE you will gain their trust...maybe."
sigh....
Pray for me cuz I am not going anywhere, I was taught better than that and plan to live out this legacy of love that I was so richly blessed with.

Mommee and Joslyn

abnormal

Abnormal is never the word one would like to hear when listening to a voicemail from a doctors office giving you results of recent testing. I don't know about you but I kind of stop listening after those words are uttered.
Its funny I had no anxiety going in for the test. No anxiety waiting for the call or letter with results. I had no reason to believe there would be anything other than an all clear call. Until that afternoon when I listened to my messages and heard the words....your mammogram was abnormal please call as soon as possible to discuss next steps and set an appointment.
I went in for the next round of testing and still didn't really feel any anxiety. I felt familiar. Which is not necessarily a good place to be. But I did.  I was supposed to hear back that same day by 4pm but didn't get the call until the following afternoon.
I didn't realize I was tense and holding my breath until I heard the voice on the other end of the line saying you are clear, what the first test picked up on was scar tissue....
So many thoughts ran through my mind during those 48 hours. I settled on one. For years I have wanted a voluntary double mastectomy. This has nothing but make that desire stronger. So much so that I am looking for a doctor who would be willing to do this for me. I know a lot of women and many men place a great amount of importance on a woman's breasts. I just don't see it that way. I view them as a health hazard waiting to happen and would prefer to have a healthy long life. NOT shadowed over by the cloud of cancer, AGAIN.
I am the caregiver. If I got sic again who in the world would take care of not only me but also all those I take care of....

So Amaris has decided she wants to try curly hair for pictures this week. I bought some curlers at Walmart Yesterday. I rolled her hair after her shower last night, she slept on them and I took them out this morning. I thought it would be wise to practice on a NON Picture day.....

Last night...

Holy Cow those are some curls!!

HAHAHA!!

After some spray and a little messing around I got those crazy curls to behave....

a little....

 

 

special moments...

So the Burrito woke up before the sun on his first day of school. Filled to the top of his little head with excitement that he was finally riding the big bus with Sam. after having been up for 2 hours already he was asking repeatedly how long til the bus comes??? when my reply was at least an hour this is the face I saw:

 

I found this awesome treasure in Burrito's back pack. When I asked him about it he told me he drew a picture of him and Sam in the hall at school. I asked why?? he said welp cuz that was the best part of my day!

Visit to Kindergarten

After Lunch and putting the babies down for naps (don't worry, Isaiah was babysitting) Daddy and Mommy took Burrito to visit his Kindergarten class and meet is awesome teacher!

Mrs. Perry showing Burrito where his Nap-mat is stored.

Burrito found his table spot ALL BY HIMSELF!

Daddy and Burrito taking the tour of the school.

Meeting the very important secretary (whom we love very much!!) Mrs. Miller.

Sneaking a peak into Sam's class....Sam even came to the door and gave Burrito a hug!

Love the new relationship forming between these 2 boys!

Story time. The Kissing Hand is a favorite in this house!

Making a Kissing Hand for mommy and Daddy.

Working on his I am Special paper!

This is the door to his room! He is very proud!

Pointing at his name on the bulletin board in the hall outside his classroom!

Ready or not Kindergarten starts Tuesday!

First Day traditions!

One of our first day traditions (the kids HATE this one) I take their picture Right after I wake them up singing the happy first day song! Lij wakes up very early gets all ready then falls asleep on the couch while he waits for his breakfast so he kind of cheats. :)

Good Morning Amaris!

Nice morning stretch Sam!

 

Burrito woke up WAY early I did not even come close to the chance of waking him up Silly Boy!

 

this tradition is a favorite since Dominique went to kindergarten!

The kids get to pick whatever they want for breakfast. anything. no rules.

Lij: toast and a chocolate milkshake to begin 8th grade

Amaris: a homemade egg mcmuffin and chocolate milkshake to begin 7th grade.

Samuel: Cheese Pizza and Strawberry milkshake WITH sprinkles to begin 5th grade.

Burrito: cookie cereal, crunch and much, a go-gurt and hot chocolate to begin Kindergarten.

I must add here that Dominique is very disappointed that these guys do not take full advantage of the NO RULES part of this tradition, its not quite as fun preparing normal food for this breakfast. So I have to agree with Dominique on this one!

 

A new school year.

Where has the summer gone? I swear I blinked my eyes and we went from Memorial Day to the first day of school while my eyes were still closed! Beginning a new school year is always a little bitter sweet for me. I am always excited to see my children blossom a little more with each new year. Form relationships, grow, gain academic strength and make friends. This year was a little more bitter than sweet for me.
Sassy Pants is still not back home where she belongs yet, so as the children were all very excited and nervous for this new year Sassy is still away and struggling. We are working hard to change this but it will be a long slow process.
I worked part time all summer and felt like I missed everything, even wen I wasn't working we were catching up on house stuff so it never really felt like a summer vacation to me. (sadface)
I am becoming more and more of a fan of the year round schooling plan for so many reasons more/shorter breaks through out the year would be good, at least for me and my children.
It always makes me sad to see my children struggle. Transitions are difficult for some of my children so the week leading into the beginning of a new school year is rough in this house. Anxiety levels rise. therefore behaviors and attitudes do as well. I try to be understanding but in the heat of the moment when an irrational upset ranting preteen is crying and unable to focus or listen it is extremely difficult to look in that sweet face I love so much and reflect love and understanding back. I am working on it, and hope I am better today than in the past.
Thankfully, the older kiddos who were stressed out experienced few bumps in the road of the first 2 days and have found the transition was not so bad after all. WHEW! happy to dodge that bullet!
I have been stressed out over Burrito starting kindergarten. He had a better transition into childrens ministries at church tan any of expected which gave me a glimmer of hope that he just might be able to pull it off. But lets face it, childrens ministries is very different than a full day of school away from home and surrounded by people he doesn't know or trust yet. All my worries float through my mind as I lay in bed trying to sleep at night.
Tuesday was his first full day of Kindergarten. He has an awesome teacher. I am not worried at tall that she will protect him and keep him safe and love on him.
he was up bright and early before 6am which made waiting for an 835am bus a little challenging. We did our special routine, first day of school breakfast whateveryouwantnomatterwhatitis got dressed in his brand new outfit that was hanging in the closet back pack on prayed up and ready to go. All before 7am. Trying to keep him contained for an hour and half was difficult to say the least! (today he was up BEFORE 5am!!! What?!?!
We talked about the book his teacher read about the Racoon and his mother and their Kissing Hand. We exchanged Kissing Hands (not like Isaiah and Elijah did when they were in Kindergarten, ours are INVISIBLE!) We made our way outdoors to wait for the bus (and take a couple pictures) HA! He was NOT having a photo shoot I barely got 3 pictures taken. The bus arrived and he lined up with all the big kids and off he went.
As I walked in the house I whispered a prayer over my Burrito. So hard sometimes for a Momma to let her babies go. This was one of those times for sure.
I was sitting outdoors waiting for him after school (no I did not sit there all day waiting HA! I actually went to the doctor and to work)
He had a god day from what we can gather what he was really interested in more than anything was getting his cleats and ball glove and playing baseball in the back yard! Poor little guy missed his freedom. He did declare that he has no friends when asked why he said the boys don't like him but all the girls do.....OH DEAR! I hope this is not an indication of things to come! He is way too young for this business!
The evening went down hill faster than a locomotive barreling own the tracks! HOLY COW! We had a tantrum that went strong for nearly 2 hours, we had several mini meltdowns and he was CRASHED on the couch by 8. Poor guy. It is a lot of work holding it together all day long at school, he just could NOT do it one minute longer. TRANSITIONS STINK! I hate them!
Heres to a better day today!

Elijah 8th Grade/Amaris 7th Grade

Samuel 5th Grade

Burrito's visit to Kindergarten

Burrito Kindergarten

still small voice

I write this with a heavy but oddly grateful  heart.
I am not able to go into detail here because I love and respect many people whose lives have been affected by a tragic situation. A situation where another individual decided they had the power to take innocence and power away from others who had placed their trust in them. I have been physically ill since learning of this horrible event.
Gratefulness comes in when I realized this was the very same individual I had trusted with some of my own children. Grateful tat I listened to that voice inside of me that screamed this individual is not OK. And even though I had no valid reason besides the feeling rooted deeply within my soul I severed all connection between them and anything and anyone connected to us.
Grace.
protection.
It is by grace that I listened that time. there have been many times in my life when I have heard similar voices inside telling me no or stop or something else and I have not listened.
I have lost much sleep over the thought of what would have potentially have happened had I not listened. the lives connected to mine that would or could have been directly affected is devastating.
moral of the story....when you get the feeling in the pit of your stomach or the depths of your soul. stop and listen. pay attention. Even if others think you are crazy. Even if you FEEL like it means you are losing everything or losing important things. LISTEN. because listening could make all the difference in the world. It truly could mean the difference between life and death.

grow where you are planted.

It is interesting how the seasons in my life change and return much like fall to winter into spring and then summer. I drift in and out of certain seasons more than others. I have been wrestling with a lot of internal things lately. Questioning my place in this world, questioning if I even make a difference. I don't necessarily have what if syndrome because I truly have few regrets. there are just a couple things I would do over if given the chance but then I think I would not be the woman I am today had things gone a different direction. I think of a movie when the main characters somehow find themselves back in time then one of them inevitably does something that alters the future. I can not imagine my now or my future being with out the people I dearly love so I know going back and changing a regret would alter that I am not interested thank you very much. But it does lead me to question a lot of things. I have found myself since my birthday in this season. I have suffered great loss. The woman I call Mommee who taught more than I could express in words how to be a LADY how to be a mommee. That loss cut deeply into my soul. I have yet to get on strong footing from that loss. Her loss has left me feeling more home sick than ever before. It amazed me walking into her house after all these years and still feeling the warmth of her love lingering there. Being embraced and welcomed and loved by so many people I have called family for much of my life but in reality they are not my family. I miss that, I realize had I raised this family there my children would want or need for nothing. They would have a huge village wrapped around them loving them through life. There have been other stresses in my life since my birthday. So I found myself wondering about why I am here now not here on earth but here in position. Dropz of Hope has been changing and that causes deep sadness in my heart. I have a vision that I believe is a God-given vision for Dropz of hope and I can not figure out what is going on and why we are at this cross road. There are so many needs we should be filling and yet change interferes with action and nothing is done.

I found myself about a week ago or so crying out to God asking, no, begging for direction confirmation anything that would give me an idea of what I am supposed to do.

I was filing through old papers and out slipped some notes I had taken at a womens tea. the title was GROW WHERE YOU ARE PLANTED. I slowly picked it up and read through the notes. I knew my answer was thread through the words on that page. God plants us where He needs us not necessarily where we want to be. or where we think we should be. He plants us where He sees fit. Sometimes we have to learn to adapt to surroundings that are foreign to us. In this time and season in life I feel I have been planted in a place that looks exactly like the photo above. I hope when people look at me they see something even a little similar to the beauty of the flower blooming in that photo. Because no matter the season no matter the circumstance no matter my thoughts and desires I want more than anything to BLOOM in beauty and grow strongly for Him where He choses for me to be planted. and that was enough. I don't need to know why. I just need to know it was intentional by Him and now I will work to that end. Blooming is slow and hard work but I am getting there.

I have a problem. A serious problem. One I have wrestled with for 20 years. There have been seasons when I have struggled lots less and some even when I felt I had accomplished victory over this problem. Then I read a FB post or See a family or hear a story and I am taken right back to that place. I hate it. I hate feeling this feeling. It is not typically a character trait of mine it doesn't feel right doent fit. but here I am wearing it....again.

Jealousy is an emotion and typically refers to the negative thoughts and feelings of insecurity, fear, and anxiety over an anticipated loss of something that the person values, particularly in reference to a human connection. Jealousy often consists of a combination of presenting emotions such as anger, resentment, inadequacy, helplessness and disgust.

I am not jealous of everything and everyone. Just one area in life. One big fat huge area.
I am jealous of families who are close and have grandparents who love adore and spend time with the grandchildren I am jealous of families whose children enjoy cousin time when their first best friends are their cousins.
This is what I grew up expecting family would be like. I grew up believing my future children would be very close to their grandparents and extended family. I grew up believing Family dinners on Sundays and family game nights would be a natural part of life. It never occurred to me that it would not be like that. I remember the love and adoration I witnessed between Daddy and his grandsons I remember watching him interact with Dominique and Alex. I remember feeling like THAT was true love. real. the kind you can feel just walking in a room. Then just after Dominique's 3rd birthday daddy died.
I see grandchildren running to their grandparents, I see grandparents taking grandkids places and having sleepovers and baking cookies and attending sporting events.
I find myself sad and grieving the loss of those types of family connections for my children.
I want to hear someone say how proud they are of my children, I want to hear them cheering at an event or clapping at a music concert. I want them to proudly display the art my children create, I want them to show off photos. 
I am not proud of this problem. I am in fact a little ashamed that I would have such thoughts and feelings
 I just cant seem to get passed it permanently.

mental illness is hard.

mental illness is hard.
loving someone who is battling mental illness is hard.
getting outsiders to understand your struggles with mental illness is hard.
being a person others look to for support while they face mental illness is hard.
being judged blamed accused unsupported rejected all because of mental illness is hard.

Recently I had the opportunity to sit in a room filled with people. People who all had a couple things in common. 1. they love someone or care for someone with mental illness. 2. they all have the 'deer in the headlights' look about them. All of them struggling, grieving, hearts aching and some broken. All looking to me for comfort, advice, regulation, mentoring. Somehow I switched into leadership advocate mode and was able to pull it off. I stood there looking in the eyes of desperate people and for a brief moment thought, "Lord, how in the world am I going to bring hope and healing to these people when I stand before them with the remnants of a broken heart myself?" I stopped myself just short of righteous anger and self pity and slowed my thoughts long enough to hear Him whisper. Open your hand and show them your broken heart. I will mend it along with theirs.
I argued I did not want to share my brokenness with anyone much less a room filled with desperate people, afterall they came for me to help them and give them hope not for me to scare them and steal all hope from their grasp. Gathering all my courage I slowly stood introduced myself, opened my hand and gradually poured out the story of my journey. The more that poured out the stronger I felt. I gathered strength with each word spoken and each tear shed. Yes, I even allowed these people to see my tears. By the end of the time we shared together I saw hope filter into the room. I saw darkness lifting.
I do not believe I made a miraculous difference in these good lives. I do not believe they were all magically happy and filled with joy and hope as they walked to their cars. But I do believe HE used me my experience my journey and my love for my child to show grace and hope and light where it had been missing. I am grateful. I am humbled. For the opportunity to share my story.
Maybe, just maybe slowly as I share my story of mental illness and how it affects my life and breaks my heart daily MAYBE others will walk away feeling more hope more power more compassion more empathy for those on this journey and more sympathy for all touched by mental illness If nothing else I still have grace hope and love.

anticipation

It is nearly 1115pm I have to be up at 5am in order to get this brood sparkly shiny and ready for our big day. Tomorrow at 815am we will stand in courtroom 202B before the judge who has resided over out sweet boys case since before he was born and we will promise to be his forever family. we will vow to love him and care for him as if he were born to us...
This time is unlike any other. Every other adoption I have done has been very bitter sweet for me. I have grieved right along side the birth family for their loss for the children's loss of family connections. This time is different. There IS a part of me that grieves. A part that is sad for the loss. But not as a momma to a momma as before. This time I am sad for my son. I grieve for HIS loss. I am sad for his loss of connection with people who never really connected with him. I am sad that I do not have the same story to share with him one day. I don't have a story of fight and strength and deep love. His first chapter is sad. and for that reason I grieve.
Tomorrow will feel more celebratory to me, I will rejoice in answered prayers and miracles that only come from God. I will THANK HIM for the grace He gave to each of the special people who were placed in our sons life to fight FOR him. They remained faithful through to the end. I will celebrate the 'family' who has prayed faithfully diligently and without ceasing for our boy. The people who have been most important in his life thus far will be present in that courtroom with us tomorrow. I am very sad that Dominique will not be there. But I know he loves his newest brother and wishes he could be there with us.
I plan to write more about our journey and how it has changed my life in a dramatic way.
until then....good night.

I chose this one since Dom wont be there....

 

 

2 years in the making

2 years ago I decided I wanted a tattoo. I know. some of you reading this have very strong opinions about this. Its personal. It is a choice. One I took seriously and gave much thought to. Deciding I wanted one was a huge deal, I remember where Dominique was standing when I told him and I can still see the expression on his face. Priceless really. He was stunned. I know he didn't believe me. When I first told Scott I am sure he thought I was crazy then he did not believe me at all.... As the days turned into months I could not decide HOW I wanted it to represent WHAT I wanted it to mean. I wanted a mother lion protecting her babies then I decided I cant do that I would have to have 10 babies...that was NOT happening. I thought of a lotus flower. Too common. I looked at pictures on line, magazines and I began to notice other people's tattoos. Gradually my decision evolved and I knew EXACTLY what it needed to look like and what it needed to say. It was important to me that it look classy and not trashy or cheap. I had NO idea WHERE I wanted it....I knew I wanted to be able to see it. I did not want to go through this experience and then never see what I did. I narrowed it down to either my ankle or arm. I bounced back and forth and finally decided on my arm. I spoke with Dominique and told him what my decision was and asked him to choose the best artist to do my work. I would have to wait a couple weeks but the appointment was set and money set aside. I had decided not to tell anyone I was doing it. It is such a personal decision. I am not one to follow a fad or do what the crowd is doing. I am a person of strong beliefs and I know who I am and what I want most of the time. I did not want to hear others opinions or criticisms. I know there are friends and family whom I dearly love that will not agree or approve. I don't always agree or approve of their choices either but I also do my best to never judge them for their choices.
The day arrived and surprisingly I was not nervous at all. I had work to do in the morning and planned to meet Dominique at the shop, we were a little early and treated ourselves to a juice smoothie while we waited. When the doors unlocked we entered, music playing loudly but not offensive to my old ears. At first I felt a little out of place....ok maybe a lot out of place. The guys working

 

were my sons age and they were clearly operating in their element. Every single one of them was genuine, nice, supportive and wonderful while I was there. The artist who was to do my work took extra time to draw details and make sure what I explained to him came to life on paper. The longer it took him to perfect his work the more my heart began to beat erratically. I started to feel my nerves as I sat there listening to the buzzing as a young man was sitting in a chair getting his latest tattoo, a lady and her boyfriend came in she was tattoo'd and he was half done by the time it was my turn to sit. I watched as he meticulously prepared for his job at hand. He carefully chose each tool each instrument each color. He carefully laid the stencil he had drawn making sure its position was perfect.
I am not gonna lie, there were moments during the time I sat there that the pain rose me up out of the stool I was sitting on. But mostly I was comfortable. I was relieved that I did not cry and embarrass Dominique in front of his friends. I casually chatted off and on but mostly I thought of all the reasons this was the ONE. all the reasons in my life thus far that poured into the meaning behind this tattoo. When he was done I had to hold back tears. Tears because never have I experienced anything like this, I answered a few small questions and he got it, he nailed it. He took my words and turned them into a beautifully perfect representation of exactly what my heart was trying to explain. I love it.
I know tattoos are not for everyone. there was a time in my life when I did not believe they had a place in my life either. People change, they grow and life happens to them. Life experiences change everything.
 

man hairs.

Some of you may find this funny, some offensive, some unbelievable...
I have a problem.
I have MAN hairs. I feel this is totally unfair, uncalled for, and downright mean for a woman to have to deal with MANLY hairs growing in places where a woman is supposed to look smooth and lovely. This is getting ridiculous! I have always struggled with this issue on a smaller scale but as I get older it gets worse. OH MY WORD!
I have tried everything I can think of.
waxing....ummmm IF I ever try this one again I most definitely will seek professional help. I was a mess of cold wax stuck EVERYWHERE I had to use crazy things to get the stuff off and even then I STILL had man hairs...
I have tried TV specials creams lotions plucking you name it I have tried it. I have lost the first layer of skin had burns and even temporarily lost feeling in my face.
I spent an hour tonight attempting to remove these stubborn man hairs and guess what??? yep you guessed it....I still have stubborn hairs sticking out everywhere. I cant where my hair up in cute styles because I don't want people to see my man hairs! ugh! I refuse to shave I will not be a woman with 5 o'clock shadow. I guess it is back to plucking....
it makes me mad.
ok I am done whining....

God knew exactly what  needed today. I know, He knows exactly what I need EVERY day. But today was one of those days He allowed me to see His hand. I am grateful for that.
I have been dealing with some serious things lately. Grief of various states, loss, stress of parenting children from hard places. questioning my own parenting abilities. work stress. I am working with a couple families whose stories are keeping me awake at night.
As I prepared for my day all these things and many more were weighing on my heart and I felt the strain in my shoulders as I moved through the early morning.
I was a little grumpy at myself for setting such a long day for work. I was to travel over an hour for my first appointment then another 40 minutes for the second...this girl was a little grumpy. I made good time and arrived 4 miles away from the first visit 20 minutes early so I found a small quaint country church not far from the house I was to visit and I pulled into the gravel parking area and sat in the van listening to worship music thinking and praying. watching the sky dance around stormy looking clouds as if they were taunting each other about who was going to rule the day. blue sky or stormy skies.
Slowly as I sat there in the van allowing my mind to wander here and there. I realized peace was beginning to trickle in. The drive between appointments was absolutely gorgeous, winding old country roads. farm land rich soil. I felt peace approaching and am so grateful now that God sent me that way today. It was exactly what I needed.

According to the urban dictionary the definition of Best Friend is:
Best Friends are very special people in your life. They are the first people you think about when you make plans. They are the first people you go to when you need someone to talk to. You will phone them up just to talk about nothing, or the most important things in your life. When you’re sad they will try their hardest to cheer you up. They give the best hugs in the world! They are the shoulder to cry on, because you know that they truly care about you.

Today is My Best Friend Joslyn's birthday.
It is impossible to put into words what she means to me and the joy she has brought into my life. I can still vividly see the day we became friends play out in my mind. I can hear the sounds, smell the smells and feel all the feeling of that day. Funny the things we remember that are important to us or the things that have a lasting impact on out lives.
I was a miserable young teenaged kid who was walking around with a whole lot of hurt inside and no idea what to do with it. Joslyn and I became friends quickly. My life has been enhanced by her presence in it. We have been through a life time of joys and sorrows together. We have laughed hysterically and cried uncontrollably we have encouraged and reprimanded one another.
teen years. moving. losing our fathers within months of each other. college. moving. marriages children (me) Godmother to mine. sickness. cancer. we have loved no matter what encouraged always and supported each other through what ever life throws at us.
I could write a novel of all the reasons I am blessed to have Joslyn in my life. I could but I wont. I will just say. I am blessed beyond measure to be able to call her my sister/friend and I can not imagine what my life would be like with out her.
So happy birthday Gizmo. I love ya BUNCHES

something to ponder....

Word on the street is that one of our bio-mothers is expecting again. ugh. seriously? this pushes us to the brink of self reflection and family meetings. What to do...What to DO??
If this proves to be truth and not some rumor or attention seeking ploy we will most definitely have some talking to do. It seems odd to me that as soon as we make statements such as : we would do what ever it takes to keep siblings together.....we are promptly put to the test to see exactly how far we would go. For instance....Saturday has older siblings who are currently in need of a forever family. Would we take them in? Sassy Pants has 2 siblings already adopted into families. But what if...exactly how far are we willing to go? The answer in my heart is simplisticly complex. What I mean by that is it makes perfect simple sense to me but to the world outside of me may never understand.
I get questions and comments al the time: don't you think you have ENOUGH children? EXACTLY HOW MANY DO YOU THINK YOU WILL TAKE?? and my favorite statement (not really) you know Angela You can't save them ALL.
Each of us were placed here on earth for a purpose. During this season of my life my purpose is THIS. to be a mother to the children who waltz through my door. Some may come and go quickly, some may come ,stay for a time and leave to various places, some may come and stay forever. I rarely know when or for how long but I always know there will be more. You see it is this simple...God called me to this journey. He created me to dance this dance of healing hearts and lives. He asked me to sacrifice in order to be used by Him to help save these lives. It is what I am created to do. Would you ask a painter why he paints so many tapestries? Would you ask a plumber why she fixes toilets? Each of us is called to do different things in life. some are called to build, fix, or mend things. Some are called to be doctors and lawyers. Some are called to teach. I am called to love. unconditionally. So I humbly try, to answer His calling. I try to be obedient to His voice. Do I always answer? no. I have an argumentative spirit at times. And yes I argue, bargain and whine....Am I always cheerful? no. sadly I am not. because quite frankly, I am not always a cheerful participant of HIS plan. I know....I KNOW!!! Shame on me. I am a work in progress and have lots of progress left to make!
So, I suppose if and when that call comes, I am sure we will pray as we always do. I am sure we will seek His direction and guidance. And even if it is difficult, even if it is hard to be cheerful, even if it scares the living daylights out of us. I know we will be obedient to His calling and His guidance and HIS voice. One thing I have learned along the way is that arguing and not following His voice and not living in His will is a painful place to be with consequences I am not prepared to deal with.
please remember though. When you see a family like mine. When you see a momma who has a rainbow of children. And at times you see her face has the wear of time and fragmented patience....remember it is not always easy following God's plan. So don't judge. Offer help. A smile. Some encouragement goes a long way.
Speaking for my own heart...I know I am living out the love God planned for me in this season of my life. I know what it is like to miss His first plan and live out His back up plan and I choose not to go back to that kind of living. Just because I am not always sunshine and smiles does not mean I have regret or wish I made easier choices. It means sometimes right choices are not easy choices. Sometimes following God's plan is a hard difficult journey that takes years to see and hold the sunshine and smiles. Sometimes we all need unconditional love along our journey. If you happen to see me with another new child. Stop, give me a hug or ask me how its going. Remind me that you love me and so does God and THAT is why He has called me to live this out every day. He asked me because He loves me.
In the mean time I am going to continue to love these 10 treasures He has trusted me with to the best of my ability even when it is hard. Love No Matter What....

Whose baby is A ROCKSTAR???

Mine. That's who!!
Jonah Daniel. "Spuds" My little man. Isaiah's favorite. Daddy's little boy.
Wednesday of this week Jonah and I made our way to the University of Iowa Hospitals for his check up. This was to be the day we found out if we needed a feeding tube or not.
Many prayer went into the preparations for this day. I prayed that God would give me the wisdom I needed to effectively advocate for my boy. I prayed for the strength to follow through with whatever the recommendations might be and the Grace to accept His will.
I will never understand what it is about walking from doctor to doctor and test to test that sucks the energy right out of you but seriously by noon I was completely exhausted and still had several hours left of our day. We had an hour break at noon so I decided to take a walk outdoors. BEST decision of the day. Soaking up the warmth of the sun and enjoying a gentle breeze was exactly what we both needed.
Neurology report: Our sweet boy has no disease or syndrome that would explain his difficulty gaining developmental milestones. It is likely genetic. He is delayed significantly but is expected to develop at a steady pace. We need to adjust our expectation and celebrate every milestone no matter when it is achieved. He may require help longer in life that our typical children. But his quality of life will be good.  They recommended further testing but I declined based on the fact that the results would merely place a label over his head and not change the outcome. So What is the point?? I find that when I have allowed my children to be labeled then outsiders change the way they interact with them even before giving them a chance to grow. Not always but enough to feel the need to protect Spuds from having the same experience.
Gastroenterology no changes. Keep meds as is and on board they have allowed him to continue to grow and gain weight which is very exciting just 6 months ago he was in the 17% for his age/size he is now in the 26th% YIPPEE!!! 15% for height but hey you can't have EVERYTHING!.
Best report of the day came from Pulmonology. His asthma is finally under control with our treatment plan of inhaler, prednisone and Augmentin as needed for flare ups. Testing showed no new lung tissue damage. Tests also showed that he is still aspirating and has flash penetration of liquids BUT the thicker the liquid is the easier it is for him to safely swallow. We have done great in keeping his fluids and foods thick minimizing the damage and potential damage to his lungs! YAY!! all this means that we have a plan in place that is working for him to continue to grow and make progress without surgical intervention! No feeding Tube!! This is one happy thankful momma!
We will continue working with him on these plans. And celebrate all the wonderful miracles God has been doing in his little life!! Praise The Lord for His guidance love and protection. No matter what, Spuds will always be a rock star to me!  

Sunday June 16, 2013

Hi Daddy,
I spent the afternoon with Gramma today. Well, not just me and Gramma....the family and some friends celebrated her 93rd birthday. 93!! But then again, you know that. I still cant get over the fact that every time I look into her eyes I see a reflection of you. The depths of love, compassion and care that flows out of her eyes is the same I remember seeing reflected in yours. One day I hope people are able to say that of me. That the love compassion and care of Gramma's eyes and Daddy's eyes are reflected in mine. What an honor that would be one day to stand in the ranks of you and Gramma...
Oh Daddy It seems so hard to believe that it has been 20 years. June is such a difficult month for me. I miss you more, feel it stronger and deeper during this month. Being with Gramma today made those feelings stronger, they grew in intensity the longer I was there. Holding Gramma's hand I thought :I can't believe it has been 20 years since I have held Daddy's hand in mine." So I squeezed a little harder and held a little longer. Some how, Gramma makes me feel closer to you. Maybe because she is your mother. I don't know. Maybe because even at 93 years old, I can see you in her so intensely. Days like today I feel the depths of loss and grief as if it were just today we said our last goodbyes. Days like today the tears hover right behind my eyes burning to be released. A thick lump forms in my throat making it difficult to swallow or speak. Every thought I think is woven with memories of you. of us. of our family.
Then I stop and think and look around me and I see the pain and loss of others who are suffering from recent loss that I feel selfish. Selfish tat I grieve so deeply even 20 years later. Selfish that I weep tears of sorrow today. I will never understand this journey through grief. My mind swirls with thoughts of how unfair it is to be missing you. How Unreal life seems when I am looking at the joys and pain of my children and turn around to be reminded that you are not here with us to celebrate and soothe these life moments.
Then my heart and mind turn to those around me who have suffered the loss of dear ones even today, within weeks of today.
I find myself wondering what would have been an easier way to grieve....a sudden unexpected loss or the long seamlessly endless illness that ended in the ultimate disappointment a daughter could give to a father. Maybe part of the reason I grieve so deeply is because I know I failed. I failed you. I failed me. I failed Gramma. I remember the planning. You so proudly mapped out your last days. Confidently declaring who was to be where, what you were to be wearing when you were moved from our home. Even planed every detail of your services. One of the things that was so important to you, to Gramma and especially to me was that I be there with you. by your side, holding your hand whispering love and assurance as you gently slipped from our world into heaven.
I have relived that day hundreds of times. I can recite every word, retrace every step and rehash every conversation from sunup until you were... gone. I will not write those details here today. Maybe one day I will have the courage to put those events into words for others to read. But today. I just want to say to you.
Daddy, I am so sorry that I was not with you in your greatest moment of need. In the ONE moment you needed me. I was not there holding your hand, I wasn't not whispering love across you ear. No encouraging words were uttered. No peaceful Hymns were sung. No earnest prayers of peace were sung for your exit from this world and entrance into heaven. I am so sorry Daddy. I wish I would have gone back in to check on you one more time. Then I would have known you needed me.
Thank you for all the amazing lessons of life and love you taught me. Thank you for your firm hand and loving guidance. Thank you for teaching me to love others no matter what. This lesson in and of itself has allowed me to openly love and care for many people I may not have had the opportunity to know. Thank you for the nuggets of wisdom and the treasure of a legacy of unconditional love that I promise will passed on to each and every one of your grandchildren. Can you believe I have 10?? me either. God is good even to those of us who do not deserve His goodness. But you know that too, because THAT is another lesson I learned form you.  I am the woman I am today because of you...
Daddy, I Love you always....Angela