I always knew I wanted to foster and adopt one day. Honestly in 1995 when I married Scott I thought I gave those dreams away. He always said he would never do either one, in fact, at the time of our marriage he did not want to have ANY more children. Surprise! we had Isaiah. then later decided to have one more, Elijah. I never gave up my desire to foster and adopt. I never spoke about it to anyone but thought of it often and prayed about it nearly every day. I saw so much pain in the lives of children around me I saw hungry hurting children everywhere and just wanted to be a part of helping them find healing and safety. Then one day Scott came to me out of the blue and said he saw a special on TV and wanted to know more about being a foster family. Things moved quickly and we were in classes then licensed and soon had 2 little ones in our home. In the beginning we were focused on teaching parenting skills and helping the birth family get better so they could be reunited with their children. as time went on it became clear this was not going to happen and we would have the opportunity to adopt them. Adoption became to me a form a rescuing. I felt like I was a part of saving the lives of these sweet children. My job was now to love and protect them every day for the rest of their lives.
In between them and Zephan we were successful in finding healing with families and experience the joy of reunification and through this my faith in the system was restored.
Then along came Zephan his birth story took me on a journey I never expected, but then again I think God keeps choosing these tough journeys for me in order to teach my heart a few lessons. Zephans birth mom loved and still does love him madly completely and truly. So much so that my heart quivers in sorrow for her when I think too long on it. If only love were enough then she would be the perfect parent. Sadly, love does not give all fix all and is not all so.....He eventually became ours forever. my heart remains heavy for her.
Then, along came miss sassy pants.
In the beginning of our time with her my heart screamed to hold her and make things al right again. slowly as time crept by I began to reaize life has never been right for this little girl. It finally occurred to me not long ago that adoption does not always mean going before a judge, signing papers and celebrating. Sometimes. Adoption means loving some one SO much that no matter what you will never leave you will always be there. and love will always fill your heart. Even if she never lets me close enough, even if we never adopt her. Adoption means family and family loves NO MATTER WHAT.
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