reality check

As I trudged through my week. Trying to muster enough emotional energy to put one foot in front of the other and not run and hide. Feeling a bit swallowed up by circumstances out of my control. Feeling somewhat of a failure as a mom. Feeling the blues and not really wanting to deal with anyone. My bed filled with cozy blankets and mindless made for TV movies a cup of coffee and nothing else seemed more and more appealing to me. It is always times such as these that God sends me an attitude adjustment, a reality check.
I sat in the living room of a gentleman whom I have known for a little more than a year. I visit his home once a week. This week, we were discussing his daughter and her struggle with depression and behavior. We were exploring creative ways to get her engaged and keep her safe. I mentioned that sometimes a person in this situation needs the safety of a hospital to find stability. It is not a long term answer but often helps. He expressed his concerns of her learning new behaviors. This is a valid concern but we must balance and decide what is best. I shared my journey with my mentally ill daughter with him. He quietly listened, taking in the story that has been my life. I did not share to discourage or scare him I shared so he would know he is not the only parent struggling with these issues. I shared about her cutting period and how she had been hospitalized and we over reacted by hiding any sharp object locking everything away. I told him that what I learned was: no matter how safe I make my home no matter how hard I try as a mom to keep my children safe if they are that hurt, that scared, that afraid they will find a way. they will be creative and use just about anything they can in order to carry out the act in which they find peace. whether it be cutting, drugs, drinking etc. We as parents have to give our children safety when they need it but also tools to keep themselves safe.
He sat for a long time. Not speaking but I could tell by the change in his eyes that he was thinking on what I had shared. In a slow quiet but steady voice he said. I understand now. Its just like me. 15 years ago I had a plan to end my life. I had a hard time dealing with my disability, I did not feel like a good provider. I had my gun loaded and ready. For some reason I told someone and they found help for me. What no one has ever known is that every day for the past 15 years I have had a plan. I have well thought out plans and back up plans. It is a daily struggle, a daily choice. Every morning I wake up and face my in ability to take care of my family the way in which I desire to. Every day I wake up feeling more of a burden than a blessing. But a year ago when you started coming here to see us I began to feel hope. Hope that I may not be able to provide physically for my family but I am ale to provide in other ways. The difference now is that I still have a plan. But now I have hope and now I have strength to chose NOT to carry out that plan. I pray, I pray hard every day that I will find strength to fight that demon away from my mind. And it is always the toughest days when I am feeling weak that you show up and you fill my ears with encouragement and you bring hope because I know you understand. and because I know you care. and that is all I needed. so Thank you.
I sat there speechless. After many minutes passed I wiped the tears that had found their way down my cheeks took a deep breath and all I could say was. Thank you for sharing your story. You are important. You have a purpose. And I am honored to know you.
as I drove away that day I was grateful for the 45 minutes of solitude in the van. I had much to ponder.
I am blessed and all these things that have weighed me down are nothing compared to this burden this man has carried for 15 years.
I share this story today NOT to receive praise. I do not need nor do I want praise. What I want is for people to realize what our presence in the lives around us means. We do not know the hidden burdens carried by others. We do not know the pain in their hearts. We need to be careful of the words we choose the actions we use. They are important. They have great power. power to heal and power to destroy. I want my actions attitudes and words to always bring healing.