Bare with me as I pour out my raw feelings and emotions. Please try and remember this is Angela's journey, Angela's heart, Angela's experience. I welcome those who read and keep up with my life as I see it feel it and breathe it daily. But please do not be rude judgmental or mean. that is unnecessary and mean.
My journey with a daughter living with mental illness is not a new topic here. So I will not rehash al those details.
It was October 16, 2012. My birthday. My daughter had been missing again for quite some time. Had no contact with me at all spontaneous contact with her dad 20 months leading up to this text message. Knowing the situations she historically found herself in up to this time made the news she typed feel dark scary and sad. 'I'm pregnant' those are 2 words I had prayed against many times. So many thoughts and emotions swarmed at me all at one time. It was as if something had knocked the wind out of me only I am stull trying to remember how to breathe. even nearly 14 months later I am still reeling from the events that unfolded behind this announcement. I cried many tears, became angry, tried to make deals with My Father in heaven. There were many moments I was sure he was not listening. One skill I have that comes in handy during times such as these is that from the outside it is most difficult for others to see the struggle, battle and pain I carry. I like to keep it this way. I am not good at sharing my pain with others. Its just the way I am.
There was nothing we could do but pray and wait. Pray for the safety of this unborn child. Pray for the safety of our daughter. That payer has been uttered, whispered, screamed and cried millions of times over the past few years. There were moments through out the journey that I felt sorry for myself. This is not how becoming a grandparent for the first time was supposed to be. I felt jipped. ripped off. angry.
I wanted to have the privilege of shouting it out for all the world to hear. I suddenly became painfully aware of others becoming grandparents for the first time. I was jealous. I was angry. I hurt so deeply. and I was terrified.
February my daughter moved back home. we had a contract as we have in the past. She signed and agreed and with in 7 days broke the contract and took off again. Fear mounted upon fear and grew until it nearly consumed my thoughts and stole my sleep. She then became ill and ended up in the hospital in March and returned home for the remainder of the pregnancy. I had no idea what to expect. My mind ran in circles around itself leaving me dizzy with emotions I never thought were possible.
One day mid march her therapist informed s she had made a plan for adoption and had chosen the adoptive parents. Part of me was relieved and part of me experienced a new kind of grief I have no words to describe. I was filled with pride for my daughter who had just made the single most difficult and the bravest decision of her life thus far. I have never before and never since seen her more clear and dedicated to a decision. I respect. honor. love that girl. She knew she could not parent and made the most self LESS decision she ever could. In the process blessing a family with a miracle of a gift.
I continued to pray and take care of my daughter. I prayed that God would reverse all effects of any substances she had used prior to returning home. This was an extremely stressful period. But we had a focus and she had a plan. We had something to work towards which gave me strength.
I love the adoptive parents dearly. I know them well and have been very close to them for many years. What I didn't ever expect was the pain awkwardness and strain that would weave through every moment as things began to progress. I wont write the birth story, it is not mine to share. I will say that hospital personnel need to be better educated in dealing with not only adoption births but also mental illness. I am afraid I will always have to be an advocate for my daughter. Fighting for her.
I will say, the moment I saw that beautiful baby enter this world my heart melted and I felt a love so different than any other I have experienced. In that moment I knew this would be the toughest journey I have traveled with my daughter thus far. In that same moment I knew this adoption was the RIGHT decision for her to make and I would always support her. My prayers shifted a little I will always pray protective prayers over my grand-daughter. But I found myself praying that she would always know how deep the love for her will always be. How we loved her SO MUCH that we knew this decision her birthmom made was the absolute best decision but also was the one that God chose for her life. this one simple revelation brought peace as deep as a river to my heart.
There were moments through out the hospital experience that I longed to hide with that sweet baby in a room and rock her whispering all my hopes and dreams for her life into her ear, praying prayers of hope over her, and showering her face with sweet kisses that would have to last a lifetime. Because the moment she was born I felt a shift happen. My universe tilted ever so slightly to the left. so slightly that I am sure I am the only one in that room who felt it.
I will forever be debt to the kind nurse who chose to stay that day and the social worker who came in on her day off to be there to support my daughter through her goodbye. Scott was unable to be there. Not because he had other places to be but because his heart could not handle a goodbye. So I went that morning and stayed with her until the time came. I wont write about the ugly things that happened because of negligence on the attorneys part. I am not bitter. I am sad at the pain she caused my daughter, my family and the adoptive family.
I charged my camera and photographed my daughter saying goodbye to her daughter. there was more genuine perfect love in that room with just the 3 of us and the social worker than I can ever remember being anywhere. I fought hard to hold my emotions in check. My mind went over and over the previous 3 days and I knew that these precious minutes would be the most important most defining moments of all. I felt the pressure of knowing the adoptive family was down the hall and around the corner excited to receive their blessing. As my heart broke into an infinite number of pieces as I watched my daughter tenderly say her goodbyes. When she was ready I gently took the baby swaddled her tightly kissed her softly and placed her in the rolling bassinet. I am sure I did not breath at all as I made my way out the door. the door closed softly and just as I heard the click of the knob engaging I heard the most horrific mourn-filled cry flow out of my daughters room. the mom part of me wanted to turn around and say just kidding you don't have to do this that mom part of me heard my daughters pain and wanted nothing more than to fix it, make it go. But I knew in that same moment that God chose this beautiful grand-daughter of mine to be someone else's daughter. I slid down to the floor and cried for what seemed like an eternity. gathered my senses stood and began the longest walk of my life. I passed by happy excited people carrying balloons and flowers chattering about the new little ones they were celebrating and I remember thinking how unbelievable it was to feel the silver threads of deep sorrow and the golden threads of joy in the same moment in one heart. I began to cry again as I walked, at first just a tear dripped out of the corner of each eye and then I realized I was sobbing my chest was closing in on me and I could not breathe at all. In that moment God sent an angel to me I the form of my daughters nurse. She placed her warm hand on my shoulder and gently guided me a secret way through the back halls. We stopped in a private room where I said my own good byes and that sweet nurse did an amazing thing. Something that normally I would not have welcomed but in that moment on that day was the absolute most perfect thing. She hugged me. She did not speak for a long time. then gently she whispered when ever you are ready, I will walk with you as long as you want. I have never been more grateful for the companionship of a stranger than I was at that moment. I collected myself, and we began our journey down the back halls to the room filled with my grandbaby's new family. Just as surprised I was at the depth of my emotions during the good bye I was equally surprised at the joy that filled my heart as I watched her new Mommy cradle her and look into her eyes with the love only a mother can express. Standing in that room with intense feelings of sorrow and joy I witnessed the miracle of God's plan coming together. I left the room quickly because my emotions were uncontrollable and unpredictable. I was trying to figure out where to go what to do and how to make myself move from this moment to the next with out dying. I looked up and there waiting for me in the hall was the nurse. I honestly have no idea where we went how long we were gone or how I managed to reappear in my daughters room looking and acting completely normal. I packed my daughters belongings and the social worker walked us out to our van. I drove away from the single most difficult right decision I have ever supported.
Even with all those emotions. I can honestly say I never waivered once on what the right thing to do was. I knew in the deepest corners of my heart all along that this was the journey God chose for my grand-daughter. I just never expected it to hurt so much. Sometimes right is painful. Sometimes right is the absolute most difficult thing you will ever do or support.
more on my journey in a different post yet to be written....
1 comment:
Praying for you guys. You now have empathy for both "sides". Perspectives. God will use this as He continues to use you.
Post a Comment