The darkness began to roll in sometime late Saturday night, I was able to fend it off until sometime Sunday mid morning. When I was consumed, eaten alive by it. funny thing about this darkness is that it disguised itself as illness. I truly felt I was getting sick. I ached clear through to my bones and was tired not just averagely tired I was so tired that I could feel the weight of the exhaustion weighing down my entire body and tugging at my eyelids begging them to close and shut out the entire world. I put up a good fight. but continued to feel the pulling and pushing of darkness. By bed time Sunday I was absolutely convinced I was sick and thought through in my mind how I would fit a doctors visit into my Monday morning routine.
Below zero temperatures and the need to keep the baby safe and warm trumped my need to visit the clinic. I trudged through my morning. As I listened to my children moving about the house getting ready for school I stared blankly out the window. My mind meandering around thoughts completely unrelated one to the other. I pushed back the thoughts of warm blankets and bed and made the choice to just 'do this day'.
As I moved on through the day it became more and more clear to me that I was not suffering from a physical illness I was suffering through grief and the loss I felt so deeply within. I was dancing with depression. Funny how deep sorrow, loss and grief can mimic physical illness playing tricks on the mind.
I began writing this draft a month ago. I have allowed myself to slowly walk through the hallways of sadness and find ways to soothe my pain. I am feeling a lot better today. There are still big moments when the heaviness returns and I find myself fighting through the emotion of the situation to find my way back to the reality of it. The reality is I love this child and I want the very best this world has to offer to her. I simply do not know how to find that for her anymore. I am slowly arriving at the understanding that its alright not to know.
I continue to wage this war within myself, fighting off the feelings of hypocrisy. I am called to help families in these exact situations, I encourage them to stick to it never give up love no matter what. The idea that is forming within my heart is that I can stick to it, I can never give up, I can love no matter what. Its not going to look the same it may never look the same again, that doesn't change my heart, my love, my commitment. At the same time, it changes everything. Finding peace within all of this is tricky.
As always, I am a work in progress.....pray for me.