abnormal

Abnormal is never the word one would like to hear when listening to a voicemail from a doctors office giving you results of recent testing. I don't know about you but I kind of stop listening after those words are uttered.
Its funny I had no anxiety going in for the test. No anxiety waiting for the call or letter with results. I had no reason to believe there would be anything other than an all clear call. Until that afternoon when I listened to my messages and heard the words....your mammogram was abnormal please call as soon as possible to discuss next steps and set an appointment.
I went in for the next round of testing and still didn't really feel any anxiety. I felt familiar. Which is not necessarily a good place to be. But I did.  I was supposed to hear back that same day by 4pm but didn't get the call until the following afternoon.
I didn't realize I was tense and holding my breath until I heard the voice on the other end of the line saying you are clear, what the first test picked up on was scar tissue....
So many thoughts ran through my mind during those 48 hours. I settled on one. For years I have wanted a voluntary double mastectomy. This has nothing but make that desire stronger. So much so that I am looking for a doctor who would be willing to do this for me. I know a lot of women and many men place a great amount of importance on a woman's breasts. I just don't see it that way. I view them as a health hazard waiting to happen and would prefer to have a healthy long life. NOT shadowed over by the cloud of cancer, AGAIN.
I am the caregiver. If I got sic again who in the world would take care of not only me but also all those I take care of....