I find myself lately with a heavy heart. Sometimes it isn't easy to follow God's call. Sometimes (at least for me) I wonder what in the world He sees in me that He thinks I can do this....am I alone in this? Does anyone else ever feel like that?
I know God called me to serve children. He placed children on my heart many years ago. I have known for years and years that I was to help heal hurting children and their families. So it is no surprise that in every area of my life at the center you will find the children. Some are mine....some I have gathered along the way....some I am trying to help through this journey of healing....
Lately it has been very difficult for me to see the sun shining through on the other side. Lately when I lie down at night my mind is filled with the sweet sad faces of these children and all the horrific details of their small lives. I lie there and wonder....why me Lord....I can't fix this...I am not even making a difference let alone making a change...then my heart leaps a step further...why THEM Lord...I do not understand. I am trying to understand, really I am. But if God tells us in His word that the children should be allowed to come to Him....that we should have faith like that of a child....there are so many places in His word where He stresses the importance of children....why then must they live through such horrific acts?
I had a discussion with a pastor friend earlier this week. That friend tried to get me to see that it is all related to the fall of man in Eden and the choices we make change and profoundly affect the lives of not only those close to us but far reaching . I get that. I do understand all of that. But there should be special provision to protect the children. Don't you agree...
I find myself surrounded by fragmented lives. Broken, some are shattered. All of them frayed around the edges at the least. Non of them remotely resembling their original state. Most having no direction at all, no ability to focus on the here and now much less the healing possibilities.
My heart aches for these. For these lost and hurting children. For the people they will become if healing never arrives.
Please understand....I do have faith. I believe in God and His grace. But I have also seen first hand the reality that is the system. The system these children are thrown into. The system that sometimes makes decisions that are not in their best interest. People who are in the position of authority over them do not know their circumstance first hand. They have not seen, felt, breathed the life of these hurting children. To them these children are a file...and large over flowing stack of papers that depicts the tragedy from where they have come and dictates the future of their footsteps. Yet how many of these people who make these decisions really know the child's story?
How many can stand and say they have seen the tears, felt the heart break, rocked the sobbing child, soothed their fears...the hurt these children carry with in their hearts is so huge, so profound, you could hold it in your hand and feel that it has created its own heart beat. Who is going to save them? who is going to keep them safe? How are they going to complete this journey and be victoriously whole at the end?
Then...my eyes fell upon this verse...Psalm 147:3- 6He heals the broken hearted and binds up their wounds. He counts the number of the stars; He calls them by name. Great is our Lord, and mighty in power. His understanding is infinite. The Lord lifts up the humble; He casts the wicked down to the ground.
I read these words and the verses surrounding them....and slowly a realization settled within my heart.
I do not have to understand. I do not have to make the difference. I do however have to stay faithful to His calling and pray. Pray for these children and for those in authority over them and their lives. My friend was right. He told me I may never ever know the impact my actions or words have had on the lives of those around me. good or bad....I just have to know that there is always an impact. I can not do or say anything that will not affect someone else's life in some way or another....so....my prayers for this night are for me to remember that I best serve these children by being obedient to God's call on my life....that God would guard my mind, my mouth and my thoughts, that they would only serve to glorify Him...that God would place a special hedge of protection around the children....children I know and those I do not....because not only are the children precious treasures but they are our future....
2 comments:
Angela, you are making a huge difference in the lives of children and also in many adults by your obedience to what God has asked you to do. People see your heart and are inspired whether they tell you or not. As a child who grew up in a pretty stinky situation, I can say with no hesitation that I KNOW God used all that I went through as a child to make me the person and children's pastor that I am today. I don't dwell on the coulda, woulda, shoulda of my childhood but rejoice that what satan intended for evil and my distruction, God has taken and redeemed for His Kingdon. There will always be suffering around us because of the fall of man and it's soooo hard to accept and understand but be assured that God is still in control. Keep doin' that thing you do...God sees and knows you are changing the world around you! I love you...you always inspire me to do better.
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