and so it goes....

I have refrained from writing about Madison for several months now. Not a very good testament to my blog title but necessary to life flowing in a smoother fashion. Who am I kidding? smooth does not exist in the life of a parent trying to parent a child who is now an adult before her time and has mental illness to boot. Smooth? we learn to navigate rocky roads better but smooth roads are foreign to me.
It is true that she is good at putting on her social suit and show the world around her that she is fabulous. It is also true that things are not fabulous. It gets increasingly more difficult to stand and watch the facade. To see the different people she can become in different settings and places.
In the past couple days I have moved through many emotions and thoughts. I have been frustrated, worried, concerned and even angry for a while now. Then I was asked to sit in on an eval yesterday. Eye Opening. WOW! Then sadness filled the spaces where frustration had lived. And the thought occurred to me. This is as good as it gets. She is fully capable of putting on a mask for each situation and getting by for a time. Then when the mask begins to slip so does she. And then she cuts loose and moves on, leaving confusion in her dust. I feel sorry for the friends who do not know or understand. I feel sorry for the great amazing people who try to come along side and help but out of great misunderstanding they do not understand nor do the have the ability to grasp the magnitude of who she is.
More than anything I want her to be successful, happy and healthy. But I was forced yesterday into a situation where I had look her future straight in the eye. Words form the past came flowing through my mind. A wonderful doctor who was by far the very best I have ever worked with said to me her success will be just that, success. It may not ever be the success I dream of for her as my beautiful daughter. So I need to allow myself the opportunity to mourn the loss of my dreams and accept the reality and celebrate in her success. I was grateful for that memory.
Yesterday our road became rocky again. The voices are back. I have suspected for some time now but the confirmation came last night when they became angry and so commanding that they were no longer background voices but loud and demanding. I tried with everything I have with all the training I have received and all the practice from years past to talk her through to help her quiet them. I sent her to paint while I cleaned up dinner dishes. Then she began to cry out. "MOMMY HELP ME!!! I cant stop."
and in that one moment I knew.
I went to her room and found her rocking in her bed screaming crying....razor dismantled in one hand blood covering her wrist on the other. and so we begin again. I sat. she cried. I held. she cried. I was silent. she cried. I PRAYED and I cried.
1:1 is the prescription for now. She may not be alone. I sat on the couch next to her all night and watched her sleep. So peaceful. So unfair that in her sleep last night peace could fill her yet in her waking hours such torment could control her. I dozed off and on and woke in fits of fear that I had fallen asleep and possibly missed keeping her safe. I was never more grateful for day break and a cup of coffee as I was today.
Today the mania is setting in. I wonder how long this will last. Will we have many nights now with no sleep? I have talked to school and will again, Sara made a special appointment for this afternoon. I continue to pray. This time around seems different on my side. Maybe because of yesterdays newly revealed truths....maybe because I am at peace. Maybe both. I don't know.
I was reading this morning from a blog of a mother whom I consider a mentor even though we have never met. never even spoken. Her daughter is bipolar as well. her daughter is older than mine and they have been through many of the same things as we have. She is a wise woman. Her words were right on for me today. she said: the following is copied from her blog~
Remember, during a crisis act like a thermostat, not like a thermometer.
This is one of the many things I try to share with my graduate students during the class I teach on emotional, behavioral and mental health conditions. Many of the graduate students are also parents and have told me that the suggestion of acting like a thermostat rather than a thermometer is also helpful to them in their homes. This analogy means staying level when your child’s emotions are running wild. Instead, we often act like a thermometer, responding to the distress by heightening our own emotions in response.

This response is called “mirroring”. We have a neural “wi-fi” in our brains that is deeply affected by the actions and behaviors of others. Have you ever noticed that when a discussion gets loud or heated you can change the volume of another person by merely lowering your voice and slowing your speech? The frontal lobe of our brain is the “high road”, working with logic and impulse control and it doesn’t fully develop until the MID-TWENTIES!! The “low road” is, in fact, located down low in our brain and it is the “fight, flight or freeze” part of the brain as well as the master of mirroring. When kids are in stress and their behaviors are strong and negative, adults will mirror those behaviors unless the brain is trained to do otherwise.

Example of mirroring:

1. Stressful event occurs (frustration, failure) which activates the child’s (or adolescent’s) irrational beliefs (adults are unfair, nothing good ever happens to me).
2. These negative thoughts trigger the child’s feelings.
3. Feelings rather than rational thinking drive the child’s inappropriate behavior.
4. Inappropriate behavior (yelling, threatening, refusing to speak) provoke adults.
5. Adults don’t only pick up on this behavior but mirror the behaviors (yell back, threaten, etc.).
6. This negative reaction increases the child’s stress, escalating the conflict into a self-defeating power struggle.
7. Although the child may well lose the battle there is no winner. The irrational beliefs the child had in the first place (nothing good ever happens to me) are reinforced and she or he has no motivation to change or alter beliefs or behaviors.
Children and adolescents must be taught to take the high road. Adults must remember to take the high road.
Stay a "thermostat" even though it is hard. Don’t be a "thermometer" and fluctuate with the temperature around you. Try to:

1. Use “I” messages (less threatening, less likely to promote aggression, good modeling of an honest exchange, interrupts power struggles and releases stress in a healthy way).
2. Step out of the conflict if you feel yourself mirroring. Tell the child you do want to talk to them and can when you are both calmer.
3. Encourage the child to take a break and practice self-calming techniques.
4. Listen carefully for what is not being said (decoding) and try to respond to underlying concern with I messages.

I personally know how difficult this can be, particularly when you are exhausted and it doesn’t seem to get any better. Hopefully these suggestions are helpful or a reminder of things you already know. Find time to take care of yourself. Take a walk, join a book club, do yoga, meditate, stay close to friends, find a group or organization that can support your spiritual side, find time to talk to you partner about something other than your child or adolescent, garden or go to a park or conservatory, pet an animal, write in your journal, and enjoy a small pocket of peace wherever you find it. Remember to breathe.

Thank you Cinda! Your words and wisdom were needed today!!