the condition of my heart

I have a confession to make. The last few months the condition of my heart has been dark and small. I know people on the outside don't always see but it is true. I have been fighting a battle of depression sadness, grief and loss. My heart has had a constant ache that never seems to be soothed. See when you chose a life path such as mine your heart is never your own, it always lies in someone elses hands. I freely give it over it is my choice. It is not always treated kindly and sometimes gets bumped and bruised along the way.
As a mom first, then a foster mom. I have committed my life to loving fully, with my whole heart, no- matter -what.  There are bound to be times when that love is not reciprocated. Or is abused. Don't get me wrong. I do not feel that anyone owes me, I give and do not expect to take. Truth be known I am blessed far more than I bless most of the time.
I realized the other day while sitting in  my prayer closet, that I have been living in my own thoughts and not HIS. I have been leaning on myself and not HIM. What I realized is that I have allowed myself to become consumed and sucked in like a vacuum by the details of each situation. I have tied the Hands of the ONE who can heal the wounds of my heart. And in that moment I cried out. In that moment I released it all. I released Madison and her situation, I released Spuds and his situation, I released Amaris and Sam's situation, I released Sassy's situation, I released Pumpkin's situation. I cried and prayed. and I asked God not only to forgive me but to help me to remember that all of this is in His hands. He wrote the stories of all our lives millions of years before I was even born. So why do I think I can change the story line part way through the book. Why do I think I have the right to flip to the ending and read ahead.
His story is perfect. I spent some time with him. correcting my attitude and asking for His presence to fill me and surround me as I prepare to move into the next chapter of His great book called "Ang" for the first time I was able to think of it as an amazing book written by the best author of all time. Yes, this book may cause pain sorrow and tears at times but it also will bring joy, peace and celebration. I was blessed by this change in attitude.
Later that day I sat in the window feeling the warmth of the afternoon sun on my face thinking back on my time in the prayer closet. Thinking of each of the special children He has brought into my life. Some to pass through quickly, some to stay for a time and some to stay forever. I can see each beautiful face. I feel so blessed to be chosen as a part of each story. whether it be a line on a page or a chapter or the whole book. It is an honor and I am grateful.