I did it. and I'm glad its over!

I pondered the night over and over and over again. Envisioning how it would play out. Playing different scenarios in my mind. Each time I came back to one thought. I had to go. No question. No matter how difficult it would be. No matter if my head agreed with my heart. I knew it was something that was required as part of my journey.
I watched the clock and felt the adrenalin rising in my system. My heart began to beat beat in irregular rhythms. But I still knew I would go. I tried to talk myself down. Trick myself into believing this would be easy I was imagining myself into a frenzy and it would not possibly be as hard as I was imagining. The minute hand ticked closer and closer then finally passed the time when I should have left. Quietly I slipped out the back door and headed to church. alone. Hearing Burrito screaming for me through the closed up doors and windows nearly made me retreat back into the comforts of my living room chair where I could pretend my presence would matter one way or another. But I forced myself forward. My thoughts took me deep within my head as I drove and watched the minutes ticking by. If I timed it just right I would be able to slip in without anyone noticing.  Worship music was flowing into the foyer when I entered, and there was almost no one around. I was so close....when I entered the doors to the sanctuary my eyes met with my friends and I could feel the hot tears fighting for the right to fall. small talk exchanged and she knew. I know she knew my apprehension was evident and my pain visible as I told her I was going to find a corner in which to hide. I made my way across the back of the sanctuary looking for the right place to sit finding nothing down below I headed for the balcony and found myself one of 5 or 6 people sitting up there. Settling into my seat bracing myself for the events of the evening. Feeling a multitude of feelings. Pride. sorrow. joy. pain. loss grief. all these mingled together like a well orchestrated dance. Who knew one person could feel so many emotions all at one time.
I listened and pretended my beautiful daughter was sitting on that front row with all the other beaming graduates. remembering the Sunday evening 2 years ago when it was Dominique standing before us, shy and apprehensive. As they began to call the graduates forth the first name should have been Albers but instead was Berry. the tears began to flow. silently at first then as if a flood gate was released I was consumed with tears that could not be quieted a couple little sobs even escaped. I could feel the heat of my pain welling up inside my chest through my neck and into my head where a steady pound pound pounding began to beat. I nearly slipped out the back door and ran home but I knew I needed to stay. I needed to be a part of this moment. No matter how deeply it hurt. I tried to imagine what color dress she would have chosen, would she have worn her hair curly like Cort or straightened....heels or shiny flats? What would her advice to future grads be? I thought in one moment of clarity....she is not dead. she is in treatment. Its not like I will never see her again. Why is this so painful. It is a pain that actually turned into a physical pain. A pain that was so great I could hold it in my hand and I could even describe it in vivid color if asked to.
I know why. Although Madison is healing and making positive steps towards her future. Something I am proud of and so grateful for....these moments. senior year. senior pictures. prom. missions trips. winter formal. going out with friends. Girls Only Graduate. cap and gown. graduate recognition night. fine arts. All these things I had looked forward to and dreamed of sharing with my daughter since she was small. All these dreams are lost. Faded into the blur of the past 2 years of pain and ugliness that were stolen from her from me from us. Moments that will never be retrieved. Moments that come along once in a life time. As I watched and listened to all the accomplishments of the grads it settled in around my heart that these moments were fleeing from my grasp. I wanted to run after them capture them put them all in my pocket and wait until she is healed and whole then press the play button so she wouldn't miss a thing.
Then the thought occurred to me. I am the only person here who knows she is supposed to be here and is missing. MISSING! a HUGE part of this group is gone and no one noticed but me. this thought was both confirmed and denied several times throughout the rest of the evening. Some people looked through me as if they didn't see me standing there. One young lady was walking in my direction until she saw my and turned 180 degrees to avoid my presence. 2 different people asked why is it so hard for you I dont understand.
Although all those moments increased my pain. It was the one person who asked How is Madison? The couple who offered unconditional love and understanding because they really do know and understand because they too have walked a similar walk as I. The friend who saw me alone in the balcony and took a chance to see if I was OK offered silence and a prayer. The friend who told me she misses Madison too. Cort who knows how much I love her and how very proud I am of the amazing friend she is and continues to be for Madison. For Laura because Laura loves Madison with the heart of a mother and didn't even get upset that I cried for my daughter on her daughters very special day. Even after I promised myself I wouldn't. and for Trudy for praying and knowing I needed a friend.
As I left the celebration I still felt all those crazy different emotions all mixed up together. I was exhausted from the tears and the pain was still heavy within my heart. BUT I am still glad I went. I am proud of this group of kids One in particular more than the rest. But Cort is special to me and always will be.
I am so thankful graduation season is coming to a close. I attended 2 open houses. Cort's and My Nephews. I couldn't bare to attend another. I am so sorry to those I missed. It is not that I don't love and care about you. It is not that I am not proud. It is and always will be because I see my beautiful daughters shadow where her presence should be and honestly I just can't handle that right now.