panic attack

Have you ever had a panic attack? Not me. Never. I have known people who have had them. I have witnessed one or two. But actually had one explode within the walls of my chest? Nope. Well until Saturday night that is.
I was driving. alone. and the enormity of our situation began to dance about in my mind. I began to play with it. flip it around in a dance of what if this or thats. I was driving west on army post road. watching the clouds mingle with the darkening night sky. no thought provoked the events that were soon to unfold. I am still not sure what happened. the hows or whys. I just know that it did. I was scared. and alone.
suddenly i felt my heart begin to race this crazy beat that beat irradically and way too fast. I became hot and flushed and sweaty on the brow. I felt like I could not catch my breath yet I could not tell if it was from the asthma or what ever was happening to my body. I slowed the van and pulled to shoulder of the road. Where I became completely convinced I was having a heart attack. I knew this idea was silly but could not shake these feelings and odd things my body was doing to me.
I held my phone and flipped through the contacts wanting to reach out to someone but put the phone away instead. eventually the symptoms passed and I was super thankful I had not called 911 or anything crazy like that. I pulled back onto the road and headed on my way. As I drove I thought alot about what had just happened and I knew what it was. panic attack.
The stress of all this Madison business is getting to me. If it wasnt bad enough that Teen Challenge decided unexpectedly to discharge her due to her age, they sent us an email last week informing us that the entire center will be closing due to financial difficulties ALL girls will need to be picked up no later than 4pm on Saturday July 3. This comes after a promise to allow Madison to stay until August 1. I understand financial difficulties. What I do not understand is disguising the truth with excuses. Why could they not have been more forthcoming throughout all of this? If they had been honest with us in December about age and money we would of had the opportunity to step in and move Madison to a more appropriate setting where she could have continued her treatment and not had too many disruptions. If they had been honest with us all along we would have made different decisions all the way around. I do not regret sending her. I still believe it was the right thing to do at that time. I believe in Teen Challenge as a whole program I really do I am just disappointed in the way this program has chosen to operate. Now my daughters life literally hangs in the balance.
Madison is still too fragile to be home. to be exposed to certain people and situations will most assuredly cause her to regress. I am traveling on Thursday to pick her up and bring her home. I spoke with her last night. I am more and more convinced she is NOT ready. She has decided she no longer wants to go to Freedom for youth. She has already fallen back into the old manipulations of if you wont, if you don't, if you say no then I will ask Papa. I am no longer strong enough to do this. I can not be over ridden one more time. I DO pray over my daughter. I DO love her. WE make decisions we believe are in her BEST interest. We do NOT make flippant off the cuff choices for her. This journey is agony. AGONY. that is a harsh word but truly fits. I do not sleep. I have panic attacks. All because I am afraid of making the wrong decision for her life. The last thing I need right now in my own fragile state is to be judged or over ridden because they do not agree.
I am scared to bring her home. I am afraid I will not be able to keep her safe from herself. I am afraid of what this will do to all of us. I want more than anything for Madison to be healthy happy and live life just like her peers....the fact is she can't and that hurts but it is true.
Please pray for me. I really need prayer.