I am sitting in Larkspur at my cousins. This is my last evening here in California. You may find this funny and a bit fitting ~ it has not rained here in over 3 months. It began raining approximately 20 minutes after my plane landed and has not stopped since. We still went places and saw beautiful things, had amazing moments of discussion and silence. It has been a good trip. I am grateful for the opportunity to fly out here and wish that I could say I will be returning refreshed and ready to take on the world. Although that was the goal sadly I find that once again I am forced into a position of defense. Just a few short hours before I am to board a plane for home I find that my place. This place. My safe place where I have found peace in the storms of my life, where I pour out my feelings and slowly figure out this crazy life. This place where I have chosen to be transparent and open, honest and real. I find there are people reading who feel the need not only to judge me but also, of all things, to PRINT out portions of my blog and take it to Scott. As if I would ever write things on here to bring shame or dishonor to my family. I am angry and deeply hurt.
Here is the deal. This is my place. A place I have chosen to be transparent and honest about MY LIFE. I have invited the world to visit and read. And I pray over every post that somehow my experience, my life, my thoughts may touch someone else on a day they need to be touched. If you do not like what I have to say please do us both a favor and delete your link to my blog. If you read my postings in order that you may judge me and all the mistakes I have made please make today the last day you read this. Believe me, I am hard enough on myself for the challenges of my children. I judge my mistakes far more harshly than you ever could. The guilt I impose on myself goes deeper than any guilt you could ever try to impose on me.
I will continue to write. I will continue to be honest open and transparent. Please, do me a favor, you made choices long ago to not have me be a part of your life and I over the years have come to accept that I will never belong in your world. I am asking that you please stop reading my blog, if you can not stop reading then please stop judging. Also, Scott is fully aware that I have this blog, he knows what I say here, so there is no need to inform him of my writings. But thank you for being so concerned about my inner thoughts and feelings.
just a foot note: it is absolutely positively Impossible to understand, cure or reverse mental illness in 30 days or less. in 30 days or less what you will see is a honey moon phase that will confirm all your suspicions of neglect, bad parenting and any other horrible thought you have ever had toward the parent. I know this because no matter where Madison has been she has always without fail had lovely honey moon phases. in that 30 days you will also see, if you pay attention lying manipulating and sneaky behavior. If those behaviors are not noticed and dealt with then they will quickly grow as they did with my Madison in TC and also at FFY. By holding the hand of the person who is supposed to be proving they can do it on their own, by counting pills and making sure that person makes it to all the appointments and babysitting you are not helping that person get closer to success. what you are doing is setting yourself and them up for failure because when the bottom falls out and the mental illness exits the honeymoon and the behaviors and manipulations take front seat again that person will have no services and no safety net to catch them. and at some point you will be too exhausted to babysit drive count and double check every move. mental illness is not caused by a step mother not caring. it is not caused by parents being too strict. it is a biological and sometimes inherited illness that is the fault of NO ONE!! the. end.
5 comments:
I am sorry you had to deal with all this while even away on a much needed rest. I continue to pray for you and will pray for those that want to bring discord amongst you and Scott and the family. Love you much!
Well, Angela I guess I will first start off by saying I love you, A)because Christ commands it, and B) you are a part of my family. For whatever reason you made if very clear that you did not want me or the rest of my family to be a part of yours. I will admit that I could have tried harder, I am sure I have made some mistakes, but you made it abundantly clear years ago that no matter how hard I tried you were not going to accept my hand extended. That was your choice not mine. As for you being "hurt and angry" those again are your choices! We all make choices in this life and we can choose how we react to every situation. You have made the choice to personaly attack me and my family. Thats fine. My choice is to not let bitterness take root.
Madison lives with me and my family now..maybe we are going thru the "honeymoon" phase as you call it. However we are not blind, nor are we stupid!! We can see all the manipulation and the sneakiness and we will deal with it as it comes up and we will deal with how we see fit! You may not know this but Kevin was this way as a young teen-ager. He may not have been diagnosed with bipolar but he was a threat to himself and others. we was severely depressed and attempted suicided on several occasions, he lied, he stole and he manipulated his parents and others in his family. Through the LOVE of Christ and others he is a wonderful man. Kevin and Madison can relate to each other and kevin can also see right through all of Madisons games. What better placce for her to be right now than with someone who has been through these things and have it be afamily member that loves her.
I have never EVER said that madison's illness was caussed by her step-mother.
I printed off thet portion of your blog out of concern for Madison and Madison only, not because I am judging you as you seem to think.
I am not your judge, Christ alone is your judge and mine too and we will both stand before Him someday and be held accountable for our actions.
Your blog was brought to my attention because of what was said in it and because Madison lives with me, I wanted to know where that information was coming from. I needed to know why this un-truth was being written about her. After talking with Scott it turns out that you were given a "heads up" by Madison's Dr But you miss spoke just a little bit....Madison wasnt taking her meds for about 1 week or less because she was worried that she may have been pregnant. She is following her Dr.s orders and is now taking her meds as directed.
As far as getting her to her Dr appt yes I do that and will continue to do that for her. She is the one that reminds me of her appts and she will ask me if I can take her and if I cannot SHE calls her papa or her aunt wendi to take her. What else do you want her to do she doesnt drive. Madison will always have a home here with us and if the "honeymoon" phase comes to an end so be it...she still has a home here with us.
Again, Angela this is not about you or how you think I feel about you. This is about Madison. I hope that from now on when you pour out your heart here in your place that you will only say positive things reagarding Madison, and stop expecting failure from her.
and one other thing....I was just wondering what your struggles on a daily basis have been pover these last five weeks....you love "your beautiful daughter" but have you made any attempt to contact her, just talk to her on the phone to see how she is doing, maybe offer her a ride to a Dr. appt. You have made know such attempt! Madison did call you on your birthday to talk to you and all you wanted to know is whose phone she was using.....seriously?! I was standing right there with her--this isnt some "lie" she told me.
If you are truly concerned her well being it really is ok to call her from to time
it was you that told my wife that you did not want her in the family because she was trying to replace you in the family. it was you that said you could not handle it, as far as expecting failure, that is completely false, no one does more than Angela to help Madison succeed, as far as everything else, we have been told by Dr.'s, lawyers, etc. on things to do , not to do, or to say, and what not to say, so you really have no room to say those things since you do not know the whole story
I fail to understand why I have to defend and explain myself here on my blog. IF you have such concerns and problems with me why do you chose to leave such accusations here? You have no idea how many times I do or do not talk to Madison you have no idea what is said between us. You apparently have forgotten that we are Not Allowed to provide her transportation etc during this 30 day period these are the key points you are missing. as far as birthday calls you have no idea what I said to her on that day. If more time was spent over the years trying to work as a family team to help madison maybe things would be different. You must have forgotten the day you and I sat at the grille in Pleasant Hill and all the reasons you listed that defined the problems between us. I have not forgotten that day. But I have forgiven. The thing is that you know as well as I do I am not welcome. Over the years I have resigned myself to that fact. Why would I continually subject myself to such hurtful situations? Do not preach to me about love and how things are supposed to be. Madison is not your daughter, she is our daughter, you have not been there all these years. where were you guys when we struggled through all the things we have?? where were you when we had to make such painful decisions to keep her safe? do not preach to me about Madison. She is beautiful, she is ill, she is a mess right now and no amount of covering things up counting pills or pointing fingers at me will change that. It saddens me that you can not see what is really happening.
Both of you, please stop commenting on my blog.
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