Saying goodbye.
saying out loud the thoughts that flutter about within the walls of my heart.
Acknowledging the hurt and pain.
Admitting this time love was not enough.
This is one of the most difficult posts I have written in a very long time.
You have to have a glimpse of my heart, a window into my soul to be able to fully understand the depth of pain and grief saturating each word written here.
I am not a mother of many for accolades. I am not a foster mother for the money. I am not an adoptive mother to gain applause and ovations. I am not a social worker to save the world. I do not operate Dropz of Hope for fame and recognition.
I was created to give. I was created to connect. As I truly believe all humans were. I was taught at a very early age by a grandmother and a father who loved the world with pure hearts that when a person is in need you help. When a person is lonely you hold their hand. When a person is in the depths of sorrow you wipe their tears. And if they push you away you quietly sit and wait reminding them of your quiet presence because one day they will look up and realize you are still there. YOU were the ONE who did not leave. You were the ONE who stayed no matter what. this very foundation is the base of my life motto: Love no matter what: the tattoo I chose represents all of this and my motto was shortened to: unconditional love.
considering my foundation, the way I was created even without the great influence of such amazing individuals, you might begin to understand why this particular situation has so deeply and profoundly damaged my heart.
I am beginning to work it out. I am beginning to be able to reconcile who I am with what I have no control over and how those 2 things do not always meld together sweetly creating a beautiful tapestry. No. sometimes who I am and circumstances I am forced to walk out do not get along well. sometimes they bring clouds of darkness and tears.
I am beginning to see that it is not about me. It is not what I did or did not do. it is not that I did not love well. I know that I have. I loved her well. I have loved her completely and no matter what. At the end of the story this has to count for something. there are still so many variables outside of my control.
It feels so unnatural to give up. walk away. speak the words: good bye. when my heart is screaming WAIT one more chance. Lets try this parenting thing one more time.
Sometimes the children that walk into the door of my heart and home are hurting. sometimes they have experienced such deep trauma that only a miracle will change them. Only the loving hand of God reaching down and holding them close to HIM will heal their wounds.
And sometimes there are policies and procedures that dictate whether or not we are able to continue our pursuit of the miraculous healing they so deserve.
when these things take place simultaneously we must step back. we must reframe our thoughts. We must put a container around our hearts and think.
it is not about me.
in this situation what is best for this child?
and it is then that we have to be willing to take our heart place it in their hands and let them go. Being a foster adoptive parent is the only calling in life that I know of that we willingly daily offer our hearts fully and expect them to be broken into a million pieces knowing full well we will pick those pieces up again and place them in the hands of strangers over and over expecting that tattered heart to be broken again and again. Hoping that one time just one time out of a million love will be enough and the recipient of our heart will feel the warmth of the unconditional love it offers. Praying that somehow through HIS grace love will ultimately be enough.
But today. Right now. I am standing in the midst of the pieces of my broken heart. Knowing there is a little girl I call my own who is too hurt and too wounded to believe in love and too distant to allow me to give her what she deserves. A mothers unfailing everyday unconditional love. no matter what.
Today my dear girl, I am letting you go. As the tears burn trails upon my face. I am letting you go. may you always know the love I have given to you freely will stand waiting. maybe the future will bring you healing and then you will see and know the gift that is waiting for you.
I am not walking away. I am not giving up. I am not quitting.
I am letting go so you are free to find healing. so you are free to fly. I am believing one day when healing settles in around your broken heart that God will whisper my name across your soul and you
always know there is Grace in every day, there is hope in all things, and you are loved. so very dearly loved not only by me but also your Father in Heaven who created you to do great things.
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