I have been thinking a lot lately. I always wanted my blog to be an honest representation of who I am and who I am striving to become. I am afraid at times I come across sounding as though my life is a sad pitiful mess and that is definately NOT what I want people to see. The problem is that I am not sure how to tell my story with out the sadness tears and disappointments that are mingled in with the joy happiness and triumphs. It just so happens that there is a lot of pain and sorrow mixed into the fabric of my life.
There is a saying that has been haunting me lately....what goes around comes around....I have spent a good amount of time thinking on this....I can not imagine ever doing saying or hurting anyone enough to deserve to be reaping such heartache. I know that I am not perfect, I have lead a flawed life full of mistakes both large and small. But I can honestly say with the exception of during my teenage years I have never intentionally hurt anyone. Even then I am not so sure it was intentional as much as it was that I was hurting deep in the crevices of my heart and my soul was crying out in pain. I had no one in my life to whom I could turn for help or comfort so I acted out. As many youth do. I made bad choices. Hurt some people. and learned a lot.
I say all of this to explain why sometimes what I have to say may sound dark, may sound sad, may even be downright depressing. But that doesn't mean that I AM all of those things. I am simply experiencing moments of them woven through out the design of my life. Moments that I feel I must share with someone or my heart will burst in two and stop beating.
I have been doing a lot of soul searching lately. so many questions fill my mind. I realize some answers will never come. But that doesn't seem to soothe the aching I feel when they run through my mind during the sleepless hours of the night.
My 3 youngest children just celebrated birthdays this past week. I could not figure out why I kept feeling overwhelmed with sadness. Not the boohoo kind of sadness, but the kind that rises up from somewhere so deep inside of you that you can feel its journey upwords to your heart and you can feel it filling up the spance of your heart to the point that it feels as though it may just possibly burst. Last night as I walked into the room to check on the children, slowly carefully quietly adjusting blankets, stroking a rosey warm cheek and brushing a gentle kiss upon a forehead it occurred to me. I know where this sadness was concieved. You see. all 3 of these precious children of mine are special gifts brought to me through various circumstances. For reasons only God will ever know and understand it came to be that I was blessed to become their forever Mommy. As we celebrate the birthdays all squished into one week...I think of the bio mothers. Because on the birthdays of the other boys I think of the day they were born, I think of the labor and love and delivery I remember every detail every scent every sound every moment even on Dominiques 20th birthday this summer I remembered all these things and I cherrish them. Then I look into the sweet faces of my 3 special gifts and  remember those special moments are not mine to hold nor do they belong to me to share. I can not tell them the stories of their first moments here on earth and in my arms. I realized that as much as I love them, as blessed as I feel to be their mommy, I am grieving for the loss their bio mother must be feeling on this special day, because she has all those precious memories sealed into her heart and woven into the fabric of her life but she has no one to share them with. Then I realized the other part of the sadness comes from the knowlege that I will never know that part of their story and I will never be able to look into their sweet faces and tell them if they cried, or how much they weighed. I have no idea if they were good sleepers or if they were criers...I love all my children and feel so very blessed to have been chosen to be thier mommy. As I said before there are some things I will never understand. Losing your child into a system of care and never having them returned is one of those mysteries.